Drop the “Good Girl” Mask, Uncover Your Authentic Voice and Embody Who You’re Meant to Be with Allie Casazza

I had this massive weight on me, and it was all riding on who I was being. So if I change, what's going to happen now? I have a very close circle of female friends, and they all came after. So it was like I attracted authentic women when I was my authentic self.

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so grateful for you and I'm just checking in on your wellness routines right now because as my friend Brooke Graves, who owns Kaleidoscope Juicery, which is in Arizona, one of my favorite juiceries, what she always says and has printed on T shirts is, you're not a. You're just dehydrated. And I love that because it's so true that so much of our mood and so many different things, so many different functions in our body is dependent upon water. But if you're like me, truly, I am a toddler. I need flavored water. And glossy is a great way to flavor that water. And as the kids are calling it on TikTok, make it sexy water. So make your water work for you with probiotics and magnesium and minerals. And we have hyaluronic acid in there for your skin. We are packed with things for your skin and gut. So, you guys, this is a big part of your wellness routine that we can make so incredibly easy simply by adding a stick of glossy into your. There's also a coupon code for you because you are my favorite people. My loyal listeners on Earn your Happy. I'm so grateful for you. If you go to getglosi.com, you can use code happy for 25% off. That's the important part. And I almost forgot it. All right, guys, let's get into the show. So today we have Ali Casaza. She helps women make self transformation simple with tools like EFT and psycho cybernetics, which is simply just rewiring your brain. Trust me, I need a whole lot of that. I work on it every single day. We have so much in common. She was raised in a restrictive religion, and I relate to that part so much. Her story growing up is same as mine, really. The good girl mask and feeling like you're never good enough. We both share a peek into our rebellious phases after walking away from living the life that others wanted for us and testing the boundaries of who we wanted to be and what that looked like. Ellie helps women navigate transformation, and she also shares a handful of her own stories. Going from feeling like it's not safe to be seen in became such a big part of her career, and she Shares some really difficult things in this episode, from a traumatic sexual assault to navigating the loss of a relationship as she basically burned her whole life down and rebuilt it from scratch. So my hope is that when you listen to this episode, it's that you know that there is so much good that comes out of massive growth. You don't necessarily have to burn it all down to get there. We talk about different healing modalities, ways to rewire your mindset, and so you don't self sabotage. There's freedom and joy that comes with showing up as you become yourself unapologetically. So, you guys. She also shares some great bonus content. She shares the daily journal prompt to step into your highest self. So let's get started. Allie, welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm so excited to have you on.

Thank you so much. I have to say, I was thinking this morning on the way over here about, like, five years ago, I was listening to your podcast for the first time, and I was just like, this woman is amazing. And I was very new to, like, manifestation, and I was, you know, kind of just barely getting into it. And you helped me so much. I listened to your podcast. It's the only podcast that I've ever really listened to. Oh, my God. So I was like, I'm going to be on this show one day.

That is so.

Yeah.

And here we are. Oh, my God. I have chills. So the topic that I'm so excited to talk to you about today is something that's also something that I'm always dealing with in my life, and that is dropping the good girl act. Dropping the good girl bs. And we share a lot of the same background. Different, but semi the same. Can you share a little bit about where you come from, all of that?

Yeah. So, yes, I grew up in a very Christian, kind of, like, fundamentalist house. But more than that, it wasn't really my family as much as it was the school I went to. It was like a very private school. Was very oppressively religious, specifically around being a girl. I. I mean, I have done a lot of, like, body and energy work. And I mean, that has just been trapped in my body for years. Like, the fear of it's just not safe to be a woman. It's not safe to be a girl. It's not. Okay, I'm unacceptable. I have to cover. Everything is my fault. Like, there were sexual assaults at my school all the time. And it was always like, what were you wearing? What was like, it was just really. It was really up Am I allowed to say, yeah. Okay. Quick side note. You're like.

Because I'm about to say it a lot.

I'm gonna say it a lot. So, you know, think that whole. I mean, I feel like people can put the pieces together, but that was the vibe. So it very much felt scary to be. I just felt like I wasn't acceptable to be. To be a girl. And I'm not just a girl. Like, I'm a strong girl, and I'm an entrepreneur. And I had no idea. No one was pulling things out of me and showing me how to be. It was like, be less. You're too much. Suppress that. Good girls don't do that. They don't talk like that. They don't act like that. And so. And I never, like, rebelled. I just was good. And everything in my life was based on being good and being perceived as good. And what good was defined as around me, which was really just following all kinds of rules.

So you were raised in a more restrictive religion. Was there something that you can remember, a couple occurrences that happened that said, oh, this is how I need to be or I won't be accepted?

Yes. Really specific things, like the way that you dress was a big thing. I remember, like, five years ago, four years ago, maybe, because this is all fairly new. I mean, in terms of life, like, that's very new. Putting on a bikini that I just thought was so. So cute and wearing it and feeling so good, so proud. And somebody coming in my comments and saying, like, I'm unfollowing you because you're so, like, I was literally just, like, almost like, attracting my fears, attracting my. We do from. Yeah, it's so fun. So things like that being. You know, I remember winning awards in school and youth group for being the most modest. Like, it was just very objectifying of young girls. It's very weird that religion has this obsession with sex and sexuality, but it's like. But for someone that's trying to, like, don't do this. Don't be this. They talk about it a lot, and it's all in shame. So very much like physical sexual shame. There are a lot of things of. Don't be fire, don't be fiery. Don't be. And then years later, I got this is. There's this beautiful woman that takes your astrology chart and paints it. And she was like, I've never seen someone with so much fire in the chart. My chart was all pink, orange, and red. And I was crying about it because it was like, how sad. Like, just don't be the thing you are. Yeah, so it was a lot of suppression, just a lot of hiding, a lot of vanilla, like putting this mask on. And I was fake. And then because of that, I never actually knew who I really was. And that's another part of the whole thing is just this disconnection to self. Don't listen to your heart. Don't trust your gut. Don't trust your intuition. Like there's some. There's someone outside of you you need to go to and listen to. And that's a very dangerous thing to teach girls is not to listen to their intuition.

You and I have chatted before, and you bring up so much for me, memories around what where I got smaller in my life. And you just made me think about the modesty thing. It was preached so much. And let me just tell you how very modest I was. I mean, things had collars and ruffles and bibs like that. Not bibs like you think guys. Not overalls, like actual, like, lacy bibs that cover up everything, another layer, Anything.

Yeah.

And I remember wearing something like that. And a woman came up to me who was very prominent in our religion, and she said, are you trying to entice my husband? I was 14 and her husband was old. And I was like, oh, my God, I am gonna wear a quilt. Like, I didn't know how to put more clothes on. I remember thinking this. First of all, I was angry. Second of all, I was like, this is my fault. I must be enticing everyone. How you don't feel. I didn't feel enticing at 14 whatsoever. And I just remember thinking, you have to get smaller. You have to be smaller when you're in this room. Right down to the point where we're supposed to participate and raise our hands and answer questions and anything that would attract attention, I would have a panic attack because it would recreate that feeling of, if they see me, I'm going to get this horrible interaction that's going to come from it.

It's not safe to be seen. It's not okay to take up space. And now look, here we are, and our jobs are to be seen.

Oh, God.

And to get more seen.

Very conflicting, everyone.

And it's. It's so ironic and perfectly designed to bring us out of that. But yes, you said it exactly right. Be smaller. And I'm like this curvaceous, like, Cuban girl at this school trying to cover. Trying getting written up because I could have cleavage and a turtleneck. Like, I. It was like I Just couldn't win. It just was not okay to exist.

You're like, I am fire. I must be fire.

Okay. I don't know. It's. Figure it out. Change the dress code. I can.

All right, so tell me more about how this, the hiding came about, but how that has transferred, like, or played into your whole life. Like, even up until now.

Yes. I mean, this is an everyday thing that I am.

So you're still experiencing it even though you work.

I notice it. I know. And so my favorite thing is now I'll be like, isn't that interesting? Look at, look how I'm trying to make myself smaller here. Wow. And I will notice it and then just get super fucking big on purpose. Like the opposite. Just take up all the space. But, yes, hiding. So it was not talking the way I really talk on my podcast, in my business, on my platform, first of all, even getting okay with being seen, I loved it. Like, I loved it, but I was scared of it, right? So I'd like love it and scare. And so I would manifest, like big surges of growth and I would, I love to run challenges in my business. So I would run these big challenges with thousands and thousands of people without even trying and be like, oh my God, look at how fun this is. But then I would like sabotage the, either the income from that or, you know, I would just hide and stop creating content so everyone will kind of forget about me. And I mean, it was just this pattern of fear and hiding and vanilla izing myself, like, just putting on this mask of like, hey, guys. Um, so today I like, just, I wasn't talking like myself. I wasn't being myself. I did not like that girl. I, I, it was no version of me. It was so sad and I didn't even know I was doing it because it was so innate.

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It felt like the worst thing in the world was to be. To disappoint, to be viewed as bad. So even now, when somebody will leave a comment on my podcast or something, and they're like, I just. Just can't get. I just can't get behind. She's changed so much. Like, I. It's. It puts anxiety in me, and I have to like, well, no, I'm. I have become myself, and I have to, like, reframe it. But I think. I think at the root, it was. You're. You're right. Fear of criticism, fear of being bad. That was the worst thing. Like, just be good. Just be good. I was also raised in an environment where my brother was. He was just. There was a lot going on with him, and so I felt like I need to be good to make things.

Easier, to not be one more problem in the family.

Yes. So just very much, like, don't make noise. Don't. Oh. Like, we just don't need this right now. And my parents never did that on purpose. I mean, it just was. That was what I picked up. That's how you perceived it. Yeah. Yes. So now it's. It's the same thing, making a noise, being a lot. And that's a comment that I see regularly to trigger me is, she's just a lot. And so it's. It's interesting.

So we create these lives by who we are pretending to be, and it does not serve where you want to go, because when you start to change, you now have people that you've attracted who are probably playing that same role of being inauthentic to themselves. So all of a sudden, when you start to change, ruffles everything. It's like a shitstorm. Boils up when you're trying to become yourself, because everything's about to change. So tell me a little bit about who you had around you, like what types of relationships, when you were being inauthentic, how those. How were those interactions with those people? What did it feel like when you would be friends with those people around that environment? And then a little bit about kind of the change that happened. I know that you have been through a lot in the last couple years, so we'll get to that too.

So it started to feel, like, very strange because a lot of my circle was they were people that I've had in my life almost my whole life. Right.

So they know you as one ally?

Yes.

Yeah.

And it was really hard because I was getting uncomfortable in my own skin just being in. I mean, at the time, like, we still went to church and so, like, going to church, being around these people that I had, like, grown up with and been around and just living in the same town that I didn't want to live in. And I could. I now have the verbiage just to, like, name it what it was. I was outgrowing everything. I didn't want to be in that city. I didn't want to be around these people. And it wasn't anything to do with them. It was everything to do with me. So I would notice, like, I would get exhausted so easy. And I'm a projector in human design, so that happens a lot to me. But it was like, a lot, like, every interaction just. And I was just like, what is wrong with me? I even went to this, like, homeopathic doctor person to try to figure it out because I was like, I'm just tired all the time. And there was nothing wrong. It was energy. I was draining myself, trying to continue to be this version of myself. And I did not realize that I was acting like I literally had no idea. And so that went on for years, just me being in that place. So the kinds of people were that kind of person. They were in this religion, in this belief system. Like, you do these certain things. You don't ever not stay married, especially if everything is fine. You don't ever like the idea of, like, leaving good for, you know, whatever is next because you feel led. Unheard of. I ended up doing that. I ended up getting divorced. And I lost my entire circle. Circle. I lost people that I. I wanted to step away. I wanted to step back. I wanted to change. But I didn't want them to abandon me. And they did. No one has checked in. No one. I see them lurking, you know, the Lurkers on social media, but no one ever came and checked and asked if I was good or cared at all.

What part of you knew that you had to leave? Like, what was it that made you literally give up? Survival, quote, unquote. Because that's how it feels. Like that. That is the only way to survive is to stay in these groups. You don't have anything outside of it.

Right?

This is the thing that people don't understand with, like, leaving a religion. But what I want to tie it back to is it does feel this way. Even if they're leaving a job, that's their identity. If they're leaving a marriage, that's their identity. If they're leaving a friend group that doesn't fit anymore that just feel their identity, but you're not getting what you need. So at what point did you know, when did the pain become so much more of that that it outweighed the pain of leaving?

That's a good question. I actually remember where I was, and I was traveling, visiting California. Brian and I had the kids, and we were doing. I was doing a book tour, and we just made a whole trip out of it. And I was sitting on the porch of our Airbnb, and I just. I was so calm. Like, I think I was cried out, frustrated out. Like, I just. I literally. A lot of stories do not have, like, a moment. This was a moment. And I said to him, because he. Our relationship is very close and I can say whatever I need to say to him. I literally just said, I think that it's finally time we've been talking about this. I think that I am officially done pretending. I don't deserve this. You don't deserve this. We don't deserve this. We have really outgrown this. And I am hurting so bad trying to play this game. And he just looked at me with such a knowing and an understanding was like, I completely understand what you mean. Same. And so that, like, I just. I was sitting, like, sitting out there on the porch looking at the beach, this. This perfect life. And I just knew, like, I'm pretending. This is an old manifestation left over of me pretending, and I'm done. I don't even know if that makes sense, but that was my moment tracking to you. It definitely makes sense. Yeah, I just. I just knew I'm done. And Brian and Mind's marriage was very symbolic of the official walking away because that was such a construct of the rules. We got married when we were barely 20. It was a whole religious thing. It was all that. That was woven into our entire foundation. And we came out of it together. And then it didn't fit anymore, but we were still in the. In the thing. So it was just very. That was a very symbolic. Like, we both just kind of took the torch and burned the. The biggest symbol of what we were walking away from.

What are the side effects that were happening to you before you walked away? Like, were there physical things? Was it mental? I know for Me, I was waking up in the middle of the night consistently with just, like, anxiety of needing to do something but being afraid. Did you have, like, symptoms of what was happening in your life that you. These were clear?

Yes. I had generalized anxiety disorder. I had to take. I had to take a pill every day. Couldn't get my nervous system regulated. I didn't know that's what it was, but that's what was happening. I have had a hormone disorder since I was, like, 14 called PCOS. And it was raging. It just started raging. And I was having, like, ovarian cysts, like, so painful, awful periods. Everything in my feminine was inflamed and miserable. And more than that, Lori, like, I was very unhappy. I did not like who I was. I was fake or really mean. When I was safe, like with Brian and the kids and stuff, I would just be unhappy.

Oh, yeah, that was me.

Yeah. But then when I was out, I was like, so, like, oh, my gosh, she's so great. Like, it was so awful. Like, I did not like that. That version of myself.

I remember a certain point with. With Chris, it was like, so much left over of leaving the religion and being unhappy and thinking I can't do things because of rules or things in my head or the way that I was raised or how college was frowned upon. And I just carried all of that with me. And I wanted to blame it, and I. Or blame everyone else. And I remember really specific moments of Chris and I first getting married. And it would be. You know, we'd go out because we were young and we were drinking. And I just remember it was always after that I would get so nasty to him because I'd want to blame him. Like, he doesn't understand how hard this is. He doesn't know what I came from. He doesn't know that I'm not supposed to do this. He doesn't know what I'm about to lose if I go step out and do what I want to do. And, yeah, it was either, like, extreme, put on the front, put on the good girl, or it was like extreme evil rage. Evil rage. Rage. Like true rage of feeling so trapped because you can't.

You can't just hide that and suppress it. It has to come out somewhere. Yeah. And that's where it came out for me. So the people that I loved the most were getting the worst of me. And I. I honestly, like, I hate is such a strong word, but I did really hate myself.

Same. Yeah. I loathed myself. There were days that I just. Yeah, that I felt like the biggest loser who would never be capable of anything because I was letting this fear control me.

Yes.

And it's very real.

And everything that I had built, like my business was doing well. Like it was making. I was making so much money at that time. Like multiple six figures a month. And all of this was hinging on who I was being. Oh God. So I was terrified. Also, I come from poverty. Like Brian and I, we had extreme poverty. Like, I mean really, really bad, humiliating history around money. So I also had these money fears. Like I don't want to with my money. Yeah. So I will keep being fake.

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Yes.

So you're making. Which is so crazy that when I really first started talking to you, you know, I noticed you, I noticed your business and I felt like you were, you were starting to be very well. What I experienced of you felt very authentic. And I think you and I had a lot of off camera conversation too before that about your life. But tell me about what that looked like when all of your money is also hinging on it because that's next level. Especially if you came from, if you didn't come from anything. Okay, let's go there.

Yes. It was terrifying. And that is the reason I kept going for longer than I, than I physically could have. Like, I, my body was breaking. The day that I spoke at your and Chris's mastermind was two days after that conversation with Brian.

Oh my God.

So I was feeling really well. I was feeling good. Like I was feeling free. I was burning, burning to the ground.

Yeah.

But yeah, it took so long because I was terrified. Also, as a people pleaser and a good girl, I, I didn't want to let down my team. I had a really big team at the time. It was far too big. I didn't need that big of a team and I was making that business mistake that I think a lot of entrepreneurs have to go through. Like the. Too much, too much. I needed to simplify, but I didn't want to let anyone go. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I carried the weight of all of them and all their families on my back because that's what a good girl does. Takes care of everyone else but herself. So, I mean, I just literally I had this massive weight on me, and it was all riding on who I was being. So if I change, what's gonna happen? So I had started almost, like, unconsciously letting little pieces of what I thought was, like, the real me, but really, it was rage. It was. I was not okay out. And then, like, people on my team, especially, because they were with me for so long, so they were very much a picture of what I was coming from. They were all religious. They were all in the past. Like, they'd been with me for years.

Years.

And so they were. They were like the. Like. Like, I don't like that.

Yeah.

And. And then I. So I would. Okay, keep hiding. I can't really be my real self. Yeah, it's not my real self. It's rage. Yeah, you're not. Okay. Yeah.

This isn't actually who you are. You do need to go and process.

You need help. Like, you need therapy. Just go. And I just wasn't. Didn't want to open the door because I didn't know what would come out. So, yeah, everything was hinging on that. And my family fear around money drove me to go. Probably another two years of keeping this going because I was afraid. I was afraid to let it go on my book. My book came out. Like, I finally got it in Target, which was my dream. Like, I was. All the things were happening, and they were all writing on who I was being.

So when did you start allowing yourself to really listen in? What did that look like?

It wasn't a choice. I manifested the breakdown of everything.

How did you manifest that?

So I basically couldn't suppress anymore. I made the decision about Brian and I, and that happened. And even though it was amicable and we were okay, it was the unraveling of my entire life. Everything I knew, like, what is this going to do to my kids? Holy. What will my parents say? And that was. Oh, my God. That was a whole other. Whole other episode. Like, what is everyone gonna think of me? And, oh, my God, that was huge. Then I left Brian and the kids that BnB and I went up the coast a bit to do some pr, and I experienced a sexual assault. Like, a very violent sexual assault. And the story in my head was like, see, look what happens. Look what God's doing to you because of what you. Yeah. And that is like. First of all, I was already so far from that belief, but that narrative came up during the act. I was like, see? Look what you did. Look what you get. It was awful. So that happened. And then I had a team retreat I needed to go to that we had been planning for months, and it was days after the assault. Nobody knew about Brian and I. Nobody knew about the assault. I didn't want to tell anyone. I had bruising all over my chest, like, massive purple bruising from what had happened. Covered it up with concealer, Wore sweaters, like, went to the retreat and was being good. And we went out drinking. I got drunk and everything came out. Oh, God, I ruined so much. Nobody wanted to work with me anymore. Nobody. I same, like, same it, Lori. Like, it all finally came out. Because I was gonna keep. Keep going. I was going to keep holding all that weight. I was going to keep being good. I was going to keep fake, fake, fake, fake, fake for everybody else because my heart was in the right place. I wanted to not let anyone down, and I did. I let everyone down in the worst way. Like, I hurt people's feelings. I offended people. I was awful. And everything crumbled from there. Some of the team members made their own decisions. I finally was like, I can't do this for some of them. I was like, I just. I need a break. Like, I need to take time off. So I did. I disappeared from the Internet because at the same time as that, people started going on Reddit and sharing some things and making up other things, and there was a witch hunt.

This is what people. So people listening right now, this is the exact reason why they're not doing what they want to do, is they're afraid of these moments. But I know you're on the other side. And so I want to go to the version of you now, and I want you to tell me about that experience. Like, why was that the most powerful thing to happen to you?

Yes, it was the worst thing and the best thing. And it is crazy to even say it that way now, because it was because of how scary.

Yeah, you want to die, girl.

Like, my. All my fears, the. My issues. I mean, I grew up with issues towards women because we were pitted against each other. That's the. The. That's the patriarchy. That's what they do. And I was literally raised in the hotbed of the patriarchy. And so all my issues with women were coming up that, like, I was perceiving it as betrayal. Like, I betrayed myself. Nobody betrayed me. I was dealing with issues of abandonment. Like, oh, look, they're leaving again. That. Because I had just lost my entire circle. Now here goes the other one. The women that supported me and helped to get me where I am. Like, I ruined everything. So if you don't deal with your shit. It will deal with it for you, and it's going to do it in the worst way. And it was humiliated. It was humiliating. It was awful. So witch hunt is going on. I'm still healing from an assault. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm not married anymore. I just disappeared from the Internet for, like, four months, which was really good. It was powerful because it was the crumbling that I needed to happen to rebuild something real. So the money, fears, everything just was. I was facing it. It was there. Yeah.

You're like, there's that. That whole not working is now gone.

So it's all gone. Yeah.

So did you have a savings? Did you?

I had a little savings. That's another thing I learned is like, okay, I'm apparently not a saver. I should probably become one. Like, I was like, I'm good, but, like, I should have been way more good for how much money I was making. So then I. I learned during that four months so much that four months felt like my entire life. Like, I can't believe I went so long without experiencing what I learned about myself in that four months. Wow. But I. I learned how much I sabotage money. I'm not comfortable with it. I don't know how to sit with it. I know how to make it. I'm affluent, but not wealthy, and I want to become wealthy. I want to learn to get comfortable. And then it was like, why am I not comfortable with money? Well, because I'm not comfortable receiving anything good. Because I was taught that I'm not worthy. So it's. I mean, I had to dig in. I started going to therapy and just unpacking all of it. But that. That. All of that happened within two weeks. The divorce, the assault, and the crumbling all happened in. I think it was less than two weeks total. So. Yeah. And then I moved here. I was like, you know what would just like everything up even more? Let's just move across the country. Like, it's fine. Because we were on the east coast at the time.

Yeah.

So anyway, it. It was. It gave me space. It made me take a break. I had not taken a vacation my entire career. I had not taken a break because I was not believing myself to be worthy of doing that. Every time I would plan a vacation, something would come up that would cancel it or how I wouldn't be able to go. Something with the business or someone getting sick or something.

Looking back, do you think that that was true or do you think you Just made it an emergency.

I made it for sure. I was like, oh, I guess we can't go.

Yeah, so you're sabotaging yourself.

Yeah.

So tell me about those. The time that you took off. Because some people are like, oh, it'd be so great to take that time off. But you're during. This is happening during, like, the breakdown of your whole life.

So that's not fun.

Time off, you guys.

It was forced.

So what were the things that you were doing? Because at first, it's not like you're like, oh, well, I'll get therapy on the calendar. Oh, well, I'll get these things. What did you do to go. Where do I start?

I first reached out to an energy healer that I had worked with on my eating disorder and some other deep stuff over the previous years. And I just was like. I cried to her on the phone. I told her everything, and I just. I was like, I need help. So I started there.

So you reached out to someone who could, like, truly hold space and not judge, touch.

Yes. And, you know, she doing things like eft, things like that to just kind of move emotion and work through it. And then from there, I. She mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy for, like, system regulation. And, you know, she mentioned things so I would Google it. And then I started working with someone that did that, and I just dove in. I dove all the way in. And then about a month in, I got really excited because I was realizing this was like a rebirth. And, I mean, I was still. I didn't eat a single bite of anything for four weeks. I could not eat. I had no appetite. I was not doing great. But I was starting to start to see, like, okay, there's a light. I think this is gonna be my new life. So I don't want to be fake. I've gotta. I want to really be myself. I don't want to carry that way. And I started to realize through working with her and, you know, journaling, having time by myself, not working. All I did was walk. I walked like, nine miles a day, just me and my dog, like, thinking. And that's what I was realizing. Like, I actually don't know who I am. So that's really fucking scary and doesn't feel good. And so how do you. How do you start to figure out who you are when you have four kids, an entire business full of women who look up to you and everything is crumbling and, you know, side note, all the money fears, and everything's still there, still present, still hearing about what's going on. About me online.

So how do you do that? How does somebody who's listening to this right now, and I know that you just gave a lot of different things that you did, which you know, you can. They can also Google and find people in their area or online. It's very prevalent out there. But how do you start becoming yourself? What is the advice that you give to other people?

So I started this thing with myself that I called Becoming her. And I wrote it in my phone. I still have the notes, like, the original note saved. And I just wrote, like, well, I don't know who I am, but who do I want to be? Because I do. I did know at that point that your desires are to be trusted. It's the opposite of how I was raised, but your desires are to be trusted. So who do I want to be? How do I want to be? Must be a piece of me. And that is all I had to go off of. So I wrote, like, how does she eat? How does she lemon. Like, details. Like, how does she hydrate? What is her. What are her favorite things? How. What does her morning look like? How is she in conflict? How is she at the gym? How is she in her private time? Like, what is she doing? And I wrote a list. I'm happy to send it to you so you can put it in show notes if anyone wants to see it, but yes, please. I wrote a list of this woman, and I just started to fall in love with her. I really was just like this.

Just.

She's so herself. She's fire, and she's just being. And she's taking up all the space and helping people because she's being authentic. And I started working every day to just become her. Like, I aligned my little daily habits, began to heal myself, and became her. And I became. She was me. I became myself. And also becoming the highest version of yourself. Not just like, well, that's just who I am. Like, sorry, deal with it.

Right? Like, making excuses for bad behavior. Yeah, yeah.

It was like. Like. But, like, who's the highest version of myself? And then, I mean, that ended up coming into everything. When I did come back online, I talked about that. And I ended up continuing to burn shit to the ground. I burned my entire business model. I launched a membership called Becoming Her Collective. Everything changed from there. So that four months was really big for my life.

So tell me about that transition. I want to. I want to first know what are some things that you practiced when you were with people, to be yourself? Because I do think that that is one of the biggest challenges is like, yeah, we can start becoming her at home. We can hydrate like her. We can start eating like her. Like, these things obviously take time and effort. But I found it so challenging around people because my people pleaser, I was like, oh, my God, this could go terrible if they don't like me or if this. I was so afraid of offending people. People offending people all the time.

Me too.

What were the things that you did to really practice letting it be okay to be you?

Self awareness. So again, like, noticing. Okay. Isn't that interesting? So first of all, not judging self, because I would do that so much. I started to get into meditating during that four months and I would just. It was full of self judgment. Like, oh, you can't even sit still for two seconds. Like, everything. I was judging myself. So self awareness, being aware of what's going on inside my body when this person is talking to me and how I'm going back to the fake, how I'm shifting to the old way and just noticing it and like, it makes sense. Baby girl, this is. This was your survival tactic. It's okay. And then, like, letting it go and then like coming back to center and like, what do I really want to say? It was hardest around people that I knew before.

Yes.

So family and friends that, you know, I did still see, I did still have in my life. That was when it was hardest. So I dealt with a lot of, hey, are you okay? Like, you just seem different in a negative way. Yeah. Or oh, wow, Okay. I guess it was rude, but I'm just literally voicing an opinion like you were just doing. But people were used to me, like, you know what I mean? Just nodding and smiling. And I wasn't doing that anymore. But yes, it was very much like having to be self aware and notice, like, that fear is coming. It's bubbling up. Like, I'm so afraid of, like, what if I say something that is what I feel about this situation? Or what if I. What if I upset them? It's just the worst thing that could ever happen, right?

Yeah.

And it's not.

How did you start making. This was a struggle for me, and it still is to this day. So please help weigh in for me.

Yeah.

Around family or old friends who, you know, some things aren't even necessarily worth saying because it doesn't matter. So deciding when to be fully me and when to just let things be because it's. It's exhausting energy that I don't want to be in because people. It's never going to change an opinion or, yes, it's going to offend people, and you just don't feel like dealing with what's on the other side. When do we know where to, like. Like, draw those lines and be us and when not to be us? Because I still feel like I go and not be me even 50% when it's unsafe.

Like, when I need to speak up for myself, when that inner child in me is not okay and I need to say something. Otherwise I'm not. Not being myself by letting things roll off my back. Also, as someone that does have kids, if I don't want them to hear that without hearing what I believe is the truth. So it's the situation. There's specific family members where I'm just like, oh, wow, okay, like, we're leaving. That makes a lot of sense why I have all this to do it. But, yeah, it's a safety thing for me. Like, in my body, I feel like I'm like, that it's your inner child. It's so cliche to talk about that. But she's real. She's in there. And it's. She. It. It's a reaction, like, ooh, I need to say. I need to say something. And with my work, with my energy healer girl, she did a lot of that with me, like, reparenting and going back into myself and going into moments as my current self to my younger self and being present with her. So when it. When it hits that, if it's just like an annoying opinion or some, like, that's not worth my energy, and it's my new self to preserve my energy. But if it's unsafe for her, I'm gonna say something.

Yeah, that's a really good way to look at it. That's kind of what I've. Where I've landed as well is, is this worth my energy? Because is it changing anything? And also, does this person have the tools for what I'm about to tell them?

Right.

That's one too, where it's like, if I know it's actually too much for them to understand or handle and they can't process through whatever happened, then I just choose to process through with someone else. All right, so let's talk about when you really started dropping the good girl mask. What exactly did that look like?

So at first, it's like the stages of grief. Like, I. But, I mean, maybe not the exact stages, but there's definitely several phases you go through. And for me, the first one was Rebel. I never rebelled. I Never did anything. I never snuck out at night or kissed a boy. Like, I never did anything. Yeah, I rebelled. Like, crazy same.

I was my first level.

That. Yeah, I. And that was. I was angry and I let it out. And so I would just say I'd just be like, well, that's how I feel. Like, I was just unhinged, and it was needed. It was healing. I rebelled in every way possible. I was also single for the first time in my life. So, like, I was like, it's a great. I'm gonna date so hard. Yeah. I was so excited and then had to, like, realize, okay, like, oh, God. It's actually not helpful for me right now. Just, like, real back and take care of myself. But yeah, like, I. Every area of my life was fire and rebellion. And I needed. Also gave me such a perspective on, like. Like, being young. And, like, for my kids. Like, you need to have phases.

Yes.

It's good to have seasons, not to just keep yourself in one season from discipline and suppression. So I was going through seasons that I, you know, you're supposed to have when you're a teenager, when you're in your 20s. And I mid, mid-30s with kids, like, just feeling, like, all this anger coming out and all this expression and. And sexuality and personality and emotion. Like, it was a lot.

You have to learn why boundaries are good. Rather than just hating them. I just hated them instead. These are actually important.

Yeah. I didn't want any rules. I never want to be stuck again. Like, I just was anti everything. So that lasted for a year. Almost a year.

It's a short time. Good job. Yeah, you're, like, a little longer.

You're like, same.

Mine took a little longer, but that's good.

But, yeah, it's like, whatever you need. And in ways, like, I'm still in it, but it's just. I recognize it. I know what it's coming from, and I can do it healthfully. So, yeah, it was. That was a lot. And then I think after that came the, like, oh, I. I should have boundaries, but I get to choose them. They're not forced on me. And I. And how cool that I'm in charge. I'm actually in charge of everything I created. I manifested all the bullshit I went through. I manifested all the good things that have happened. I'm in charge, and I get to be in charge of what I do, who I'm with, my boundaries. Like, I'm in charge. It's not rules. It's my power. So then I was like, okay, I'm Okay. With, like, being normal, like a little, like, healthier as a person. And then that was fun, like, figuring out, okay, like, what do I. Like, do I ever want to get married again? What does marriage mean to me now? How do I want to live? How do I want to be? Like, what does dating look like? And learning about myself. And through dating for the first time ever, I didn't know that was going to happen. You learned so much about yourself sitting across from another person. So just. It was a lot of self learning, self acceptance, and you just have to go with the flow. Like, there's no formula.

Yeah. What did the. What did that look like in the rebuilding of friendships, relationships, and business? So tell me about what happened after that.

So there were a couple people that I had met kind of right before everything went down, and they stuck with me. They were there with me. They helped me. But I never had a close circle of girlfriends. I resisted it. I was scared of women. I didn't trust them. It was very catty and clicky at the school I went to. So I just learned that they're not safe. Now I have a very close circle of female friends that are all over the world. Like, I can go and travel and see them. And they all came after. So it was like I attracted authentic women when I was my authentic self.

That's when it's not scary anymore. And for anybody who's still afraid of female relationships or relationships in general, what happens before you're yourself is you attract a whole lot of people who don't actually know who you are. So if you do anything outside of that character you've created, it's not acceptable. And they're all characters as well, so they don't accept themselves. So everything is unsafe. Safe, actually. Everything in both of your lives is unsafe.

Yes.

What happens when you start, even when you're first committed? Because even the commitment, I think, like, is just a sign to the universe that you're committed to creating these relationships. It doesn't mean they won't test you, because they. Even the greatest relationships still test you. But when you show up authentic, it's like no one can use anything against you because you've already put it out there.

Yeah. And that's the same with the business side of things. And showing up as a public figure or whatever is. I'm uncancellable. I don't. I'm. This is. I'm being me. When everyone was coming for me. I. I think I said this to you on the phone the other day. I Was like, I also want to burn her. I also want to witch hunt her. She sucks. I'm done with her. I mean, I actually, before I moved here, I had a burial for my old self and my old life. Like, I literally went into. I owned, like, property on a mountain, and I went into the forest and literally, like, wrote names on a piece of paper, and my name was one of them. And I literally had a very symbolic funeral for who I was for my old life. I felt it all burning. I was about to move out here, back to the sunshine where I belong, and I was just like, I'm not taking this in the sun with me. It's gotta be new.

I love that so much. All right, so how. How does everything look for you now?

Now it's still in a rebuild. Like, it's to. To burn everything down. I mean, literally, like, on the business side, getting rid of how everything looked and starting over with a different business model that serves my ultimate goal better. Less hustle, less constant pushing, and more just ease and money coming in every month. Like, that relationship with money being healed. I mean, my life is so different. Brian and I have shifted from marriage to friendship and parenting the kids together. And it's like, click. This is how it's supposed to be. It's very. Oh, my God, I feel so free. I'm in a new relationship. Like, everything is good, but how good can I hold? How much good can I hold? So I'm learning that right now, like, getting comfortable with holding space for, like, it's safe for everything to be good, and noticing my tendency to, like, create chaos, create drama, because I'm so comfortable with stress and holding a lot of weight, and I'm just not. I've made decisions that don't put weight on me anymore. So am I. Can I be comfortable sitting in the lightness? Yeah.

It's a whole other level that never learned to do that. You kind of. You feel like I. I go back to, like, oh, should I stir the pot? Because I'm just used to, you know, chaos.

So walking into the room like a cat, like, is there anything I could up in here? No. Yeah.

Knock everything over in front of people.

I feel it, like, every day. I feel like I feel it there. And I'm just like, no, like, you don't have to do that. Okay. It's safe to be good.

You know, something I just want to point out to anyone listening is that you talked about the parenting thing, and I think there's probably some women listening who are very afraid of what this could look like for their kids. But I've personally had you sit in this chair. I've had other friends sit and tell me that they, the version of parenting that they do now apart is like a hundred percent better, more nurturing. It actually works out even better. The kids are getting different, like unique parts of the parent that they could never get before. They're really getting like one on one date day with dad or with mom and it's, it's really mind blowing to hear about how people have sit and said and even the, the kids are thriving. So if someone's afraid of that right now, what do you want to tell them?

The other day my 9 year old said, do you remember when we were doing this? And I was like, I don't remember what you're talking about. And he's like, you know, it was a long time ago, like before, before happy times. Like he perceived he. They can tell, yeah, I was so fake for my kids, such a good mom, but like so unhappy inside. They can tell I was like offended and then also like, yeah, I wasn't happy.

Yeah, it's like B.C. yeah, PhD, yeah. Bible, Bible humor, everyone, they can tell.

They can feel your energy. Like it. When you are free and you are doing what is good for you, like being enter your selfish era and dare to be a little selfish and do what it feels good and right for you and you are, are automatically better for them. It's not good for your kids for you to carry something you're not meant to carry and keep pushing. And I left a marriage that there was nothing wrong, it was just not served its purpose and it was time for us to shift our relationship. And that is so anti what I come from. So bad. Oh my God. No one's abusing anyone. Well then why would you, you know, But I am such a better person. Brian is a better dad, I'm a better mom. Like everything is smoother. You have to take care of yourself, number one. Truly, it's, it's out there. But no one's following the advice. Moms are not following the advice. So being selfish, leaning into what you know and you are automatically freer, happier, lighter. And they can, they can smell it so good.

All right, so what do you have? If we want to become her, what do you. What can we be a part of?

Oh my gosh, the collective is so fun. I launched it in August last year and it is such a vibe. It is like, it is a circle of women all literally working every day at the same time. On becoming the next level version of themselves. So we, we have like a focus area. We're about to do body. We just finished home and we're literally just aligning little areas of our lives with the version of ourselves.

I love that desire to be so pieces. Yeah. You can work in phases.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Thank the Lord.

We don't have to do it all at once.

No. My God. Yeah. No. Like you can embody it immediately. It's a choice. But taking the remnants of your. Of the reality of like what you had manifested. Okay. And then like let's refresh that and make that align with her before you have to burn.

Well, you still will burn down, but before it has to. Doesn't have to exactly happen. Yeah. Let's start it now. Okay. So you guys can go to the show notes and check that out. I will link that up. If you are interested in the becoming her collective. And where can we follow you?

I'm on Instagram. I'm on TikTok. Instagram is still my favorite. I'm trying same.

I know. But I can't get out.

I'm there every day, all day. I love it. It's where DM me. Like I will see it. It's my favorite.

Amazing. Okay. And you're also. You held back on us. You held back some of your best stuff for the bonus content. So you have a becoming her morning prompt that we are going to give away in the bonus content. So you guys go check that out. If you go down to the show notes, you can click on the bonus content and we are going to send it to you. So thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm so grateful for you.

Thank you so much.

Yes. This was so fun. And we will see you in the next episode.

It.