How to Choose Joy in Hard Seasons (Even When Life Feels Impossible) with Amberly Lago

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When we accept where we are, who we are, and what our circumstances are, then we can choose to be in the driver's seat of our life. We can choose to take action steps with grit, give ourselves some grace, and we can choose joy.

Making sure that you acknowledge the joy every day, whether it was the shittiest day that you can possibly remember or whether it was a great day. You know, I don't even know if I experienced joy through any of it because I didn't understand how to do this.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Earn Your Happy podcast.

Today's episode is another throwback, one of my favorite conversations.

And you guys know that I've had this podcast for 8 years, so if you're newer to the podcast, I have literally recorded over 1,400 episodes, you guys.

So I want to make sure that you don't miss any of these super amazing juicy conversations that I have chosen just for you because I can't tell you about the wealth of knowledge that is in this freaking catalog of throwbacks. I don't want you to miss it.

It's truly what has changed my life and helped me on my journey of growth in entrepreneurship, in relationships, in personal development. And I know that these messages are going to hit you in the same kind of powerful way that they hit me. So I hope that you love this one as much as I do, and let's get started.

On the podcast today, I have someone I've wanted to have on the podcast for quite a while. It's the amazing Amber Lee Lago. She's a bestselling author, speaker, and transformational coach. Get ready for a dose of inspiration and tools to choose joy no matter what challenges you're navigating. She's living with chronic pain herself after a life-changing motorcycle accident, and the 34 surgeries that followed. Imagine trying to stay positive during that. And Amberly personally had to learn how to spark joy in moments when it felt impossible. Hearing what Amberly has overcome through chronic pain, getting sober, and even writing her book without being computer savvy, this episode is proof that you can be happy and successful regardless of your current circumstances. You're going to gain tangible tools to embrace life's toughest moments and not only feel better as you're going through it, but also come out the other side stronger, more resilient, and know what opportunities to say yes to that will help you make progress towards your biggest goals. I can't wait for you to hear this conversation about the powerful ways to change your life and bring more joy into your life. Let me tell you, I need this every single day. I need that complete mental reset, and she's gonna give it to you. So let's get started. Amberly, welcome to the Earn Your Happy podcast.

Lori, can I just tell you something? How happy I am to be here. Do you know, I just saw Lindsay Schwartz last week. I was speaking at an event in Scottsdale and I said, guess who I get to talk with? I said, I get to talk to Lori. And I was telling her your podcast was the very first podcast that I ever listened to. Oh my. Yeah, the very first. And when you were a big inspiration for me to start my own podcast and my podcast actually started as a radio show in Santa Monica and you were the first person I asked to be on the radio show and then our schedules kept conflicting and now I finally get to have you on my podcast, but You have been just such an inspiration to me with all the things that you've done. And this is a real dream come true to get to be on your show. So thank you for having me.

Oh my gosh, this is the— that is the coolest. I did not know that. That's way back.

Oh, that is way— that's— this is years ago. And I remember being so nervous to reach out to you and send you a DM because at this point we hadn't shared— I don't think we had shared the stage together at this point. Maybe we had, but I was like, I— out of all the people that I would want on my show, I want Lori Harder. And I sent you a DM and you answered me. And I was like, oh, I remember exactly where I was. I was sitting in the parking lot at my daughter's school and I was just like, I'm going to message her. And you were just so kind. And so this is like so awesome to get to— well, I love getting to see you, but this is just really a dream come true. So thank you.

Oh my God, well, it's my dream come true too. So we're just like merging dreams coming true today. This is, this is amazing. You have been somebody who is, I feel like, literally always mentioned whenever I go to an event or whenever I go get together with a bunch of girlfriends. Your name is always swirling in the atmosphere, just so you know. And it's always the most beautiful things are said about you. So your reputation is just It's because of who you are and how you are. And if anybody listening gets to meet Amberly in person, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. You're just larger than life, but it's truly like your spirit is so incredibly beautiful. So I'm so excited that I get to share you on this podcast today at the perfect timing because also you've written a second book, which I'm really excited about. I'm excited to talk about the title. I feel like it goes perfectly with Earn Your Happy, Joy Through the Journey. It's a pretty amazing title because I feel like it is, it's so much of what I have learned in my life, like especially really grasped the last few years. But the first thing that I always love to ask my authors, because I believe the journey of the book is one that like, you know, we think we have this topic that we're gonna talk about and all of a sudden we start writing the book and it becomes like this, insane therapy that starts happening during the book journey. So I would love to know, when you set out, you know, kind of like, what was the goal? What was the intention for the book? What first excited you? But then what were some of the top, like, two things that you learned about yourself throughout the book?

Oh, that is such a great question. And you know what, it is very cathartic to write a book. I mean, it took me two years to write my first book. With this one, I had some deadlines. The publisher was like, we need it by this date, we need this many chapters, we need— so, um, I wrote this book a little bit faster. I was getting up at like 4 in the morning to start writing, that creative window of when I knew I wouldn't be interrupted. Um, and I, I had joy through the journey on a sticky note. Actually, I still have it on a sticky note right here. I was talking with my friend, um, John Gordon, who's really good at titles for books. He's written like 31 books, and he was like, Amberly, I have, I have an idea, I have a title for your next book. You talk so much about joy. It should be Joy Through the Journey. And I literally had that on my computer and it was just kind of like in the background. And then I got this publishing deal and I pitched— when I pitched the book and they said yes, I kind of was like, oh gosh, what have I done? Yep. And I started writing and I get really raw vulnerable and I talk about things that I've never shared and I share like authentically on social media and, and through my newsletter. But I share some things in this book that there might be people that are going to go, oh wow, I didn't know that she was that dark or that happened or, oh, that's some shame, you know what I mean? And I thought, oh, the PTA moms are going to know that. Darkest secrets. But the reason I shared it is because I want people to know that, like, I know these things work to spark more joy in your life because I've actually applied them to times when I had deep shame or a lot of pain or was going through a real struggle or had hit rock bottom, or I was on the brink of burnout. And so as much as I was like, okay, this is raw and real, I think back to who I'm serving, and the reason I'm writing is because I want people to know that they can have more joy through their journey of entrepreneurship, through their marriage, through any challenge, through life's ups and downs, that, you know, you can embrace the moment, be in that present moment, and be more resilient and really feel better about your situation. But in this book, I share a lot about my sobriety journey, and, um, you know, I've had a lot of people go, oh, I didn't know you Sober? Well, I got sober in 2016 after struggling with this chronic nerve condition called complex regional pain syndrome. And I, you know, I, I just was talking to a friend yesterday and he goes, oh, well, so when do you feel the pain? I'm like, no, I'm in pain. I have this pain all the time. There's no known cure. And I had another friend that I've shared the stage with him several times, or, and Anthony Trucks, and he was like Oh, wait a minute, I didn't know you still had pain. And I'm like, well, it's because I feel like pain and joy can coexist, and I choose to build upon the joy and not focus on the pain. It's not that I'm trying to stuff it down or not acknowledge the feelings. I just choose to build upon the joy. And so I think that this book is going to be raw and real so others can shine a light on any shame that they might have or know that they can get through any addiction, whether that's to alcohol or drugs or overshopping or speed dating or whatever it may be, but that we can spark more joy throughout our journey.

For you, when you were writing the book, you know, because you go and that's, that's the intention, that's, that's the beautiful like theme of the book. These are the lessons that you've taught within the book. What was happening for you as you were really putting these lessons down and having to meet these deadlines and the pressure of everything you have going on? You just let I know that you, you know, you're doing your Unstoppable Summit, right, during the launch of the book, essentially, or the planning for it during the launch of this book. So what are all of the things that are going on for you? Like, what are those lessons that came out of it for you in the midst of being the person who's doing it?

I mean, I know you have created so many successful businesses and you've done so much with Glossier and all that you've done. And I feel like when you're going to do— when you're getting ready to do something big, resistance shows up. And I tell you, this last year was probably one of the hardest years since my motorcycle accident. So I had this motorcycle accident and went through 34 surgeries to save my leg from amputation, and A little over a year ago, I traveled out of the country to try a treat— another treatment for complex regional pain syndrome. And I was hoping to be like superhuman and feel awesome and hoping for a cure. And even though the doctors were like, there's no cure, I was like, I'm going to be superhuman. And I ended up back in a wheelchair. And what that does to your mind, your body, your soul, it was crushing. And I was in a foreign country by myself. My husband wasn't crazy about me. My family wasn't crazy about me going to a different country by myself to try this treatment. But when you're in so much pain, like, there is a desperation that you're like, I am willing to try. Okay, I'll be your guinea pig. Like, let's do it. And I was in this foreign country, didn't speak the same, didn't speak the language, and I was in a wheelchair, couldn't walk. As much as I wanted to and as much as I tried. And to go from being in a wheelchair, getting out of a wheelchair, dancing, back in a wheelchair, and now I'm going through, you know, this airport and I just started crying. I just felt so defeated. And I instantly shifted that to, you know what, I'm grateful I'm alive. And I have this guy who doesn't even speak English, but he's helping me get through this airport and taking me all the way up to the gate in a wheelchair and helping me with my luggage and I was able to kind of shift my mindset. Well, the rest of the year during writing the book, I was still really struggling with my health. And in fact, I've been having a nurse come over to the house and she— I regularly get IV treatments and I'm drinking my Glow C just so—

Good. I hope it's helping.

And so I am obsessed with it, but I was really kind of in the middle of the— I started writing the book and I was like, oh my gosh, how am I going to write a book about joy when I have so much resistance? When I— my health, I was struggling so much with my health. I would literally get on Zoom and do a recording or an interview or coach a client and have to go lay down and my husband hadn't seen me that way in years. And I thought, if I'm going to be writing a book about joy, well, I better spark some. And I really had to get back to basics because business was good. I would, you know, my mastermind was great. I was getting booked to speak at more events and it was just go, go, go. And I started letting some of my non-negotiables slide. Meaning like I wasn't getting up and doing my prayer or my daily reading or self-care habits, which really meaning that yoga is great, meditation is great, morning rituals are great. But like, I think that it's self-care is more about creating a life that you don't want to escape from. And I was getting to a place where I was like, I just want to escape. I want to check out, like, which is not good for a recovering alcoholic to feel that way. Yeah, no. And I had to get back to basics. And I always say HALT, never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And you know, I was like, there were days I'm like, why do I feel so crappy? And I'm like, oh, because I haven't eaten. I had to get back to the good old days when I was in the fitness industry. And I know you know this of food prepping and making time. No matter what, I'm not starting my day picking up my phone. I'm gonna start by getting on my knees and praying, by writing out my gratitude list, by drinking my gut health supplement, by moving my body no matter what. And in fact, I even have right here, I've got these little mini weights. So if I'm waiting before a Zoom, I'm like, okay, move, move, get up, jump around. Like, and so I started getting back to basics, started setting healthy boundaries, you know, getting back to my 12-step recovery meetings, just taking care of myself, mind, body, and spirit so I could spark joy. And I intentionally set out every day to do joy spotting. And, and I highly suggest this. Like, our dog passed away and it was very unexpected. And this was my therapy dog and it was crushing. Like, I did not realize just how much a fur baby is a part of your family and how much joy and unconditional love that are gone.

They are a child. They are a child for sure.

Yes. Oh, for sure. And I know you get that. And when she passed away, I couldn't stop crying and I just wanted to be able to stop crying. And so it wasn't that I was trying to not acknowledge those feelings, but I just thought, you know what, I just want to stop crying for a little bit. I need to spark some joy. And so I was like, well, it makes me happy to put up Christmas decorations in the tree. And I think we put up our Christmas tree earlier than we ever have before. And I decorated the whole house. And then I was like, you know what? I still— I can't stop crying. I was like, you know what? I'm going to go joy spotting. I'm going to go to HomeGoods and I'm going to find some joy. I just need to see people and have— smile at them and have them smile back at me. And what we seek, we find. When I walked in the store, the first thing I saw was a sign, this wooden sign that said Joy. And I was like, okay, that's a God wink. And I just smiled at everybody I saw and said hi, and I felt better. So just by changing your environment, moving your body, going out and spreading love and kindness and being a joy sparker in the world, I always say, if you're having a hard time, go help somebody. Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh God, that's so true. It's— and, you know, thinking of you throughout this whole thing, like you're going through everything with an extra layer that we are not, like that constant chronic pain. And I think of different people who I know in my life who have chronic pain. It's really easy to hear that word and just be like, oh, okay. But that puts a layer over everything that you do. Can you explain that a little bit? Like how, how have you managed that this with your brain to continue to focus on joy.

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Well, thank you for asking that. And, you know, my husband, he has said to me before, he's, he's like, because, you know, it's easy sometimes to look at social media and compare like, oh my gosh, look at what they're doing. Oh, I need to be doing more. You know, and I'll come home sometimes from a speaking event, especially if it's like a 3-day event where I'm on a panel and I'm doing a keynote and I'm doing a meet and greet and a book signing and all the things, and it's high, high energy. And the only time I don't feel pain, like there's no pain, is when I'm on stage.

Wow.

It's so mind-blowing to me, but it gives me hope that it's possible to be relieved of this pain. But my husband, I'll come home and he sees that I'm, I'm pretty beat up and the adrenaline has left. I always say the adrenaline has left the building. The dopamine's gone. Like the pain is rising up and it can affect your brain. It can cause severe brain fog. But my husband says, Amberly, You're not like your other friends that are entrepreneurs. They don't deal with this disease dubbed the suicide disease. It's ranked highest on the pain scale. They don't deal with that day in and day out like you. And I always think, gosh, imagine what I could do if I didn't have this pain. And you know what? I think that there's a gift in pain. I think pain pushes you until your purpose pulls you. And it's definitely pushed me. And but my husband will say, you don't have to do so much. And I'm like, you know what? I could sit here and just stare down at my leg and focus on the pain, or I can turn pain to purpose and go serve others. And I think that when you are of service to others and their success, that's where fulfillment really is. But this pain that I've tried everything to get rid of it, that's what pushed me into, you know, I remember trying all these radical treatments and nothing worked. And the day that I drank a glass of wine and I was like, wow, why didn't my doctor just tell me to knock back a glass of wine? Because that kind of helps with the pain and helps me stuff down the feelings of shame and, and just the way that I used to look down at my leg in disgust. And, and that worked until it didn't. And so how I've really managed to have joy through the journey, even through this, is by acknowledging the pain. I'm like, okay, it is what it is. Being in complete acceptance for it and acknowledgment of it, because I used to try to hide it, or I was in denial. I wanted to pretend that it didn't exist. But when we accept where we are, who we are, and what our circumstances are, then we can choose to be in the driver's seat of our life. We can choose to take action steps with grit, give ourselves some grace, and we can choose joy. And it's like, yeah, it is what it is. You know, I was just in Minneapolis and for some reason I don't know if it was because it was so cold there. I don't know if this, you know, being on a plane flares the nerve disease up. It's something— it sometimes has felt like like my leg was going to explode, that much pain. But I got to the hotel and I'm getting ready for bed and I've got this big key— I was the keynote speaker for this, uh, big company. And I looked down at my leg and it was really flared up. My, my leg was purple, it was swollen. And I had just this sense of peace and trust because I'm like, well, there's nothing I can really do to change what's going on right now, but I know what I can do to feel better. I can get a good night's sleep. I can make sure that I'm taking care of myself. I travel with all my supplements and make sure that I'm taking care of my health. And, you know, both of us, former lives being in the fitness industry, I always took really good care of my health, but now I am super conscious of it, like eating anti-inflammatory, like wearing a monitor that monitors how much sleep I get. And so I take care of myself, mind, body, and spirit. And I talk a lot about that in the book because it's not just one quick fix or one thing. I think it's your whole, you know, mind, body, and spirit. It's everything. And when we take care of all those things, we're able to live a more fulfilling, joy-filled life.

Tell me about the decision point from accident and where you were before that, and the decision point of, I think I have to make this like the platform that I stand on and share this with people.

Well, you know, I really thought resilience meant like to bounce back, to go back. And all I was focused on was I got to get back to my business. I mean, I had built, built this successful business in the fitness industry. I employed several trainers. I had a trainer certification preparation course and business that I did, and I regularly contributed magazine articles to health and shape and fit pregnancy. And I thought, I just got to get back to that. And I kept trying to get back to that. And sometimes we don't need to fix what's broken. We need to look ahead and see what other opportunities are right there in front of us that maybe we don't even see. And I thought, you know, I could not have gone through this horrible accident now scarred from the hip down You know, my nickname in the gym used to be Legs. I used to lift with the bodybuilders. I used to train guys for fitness competitions, and I had some strong legs. And now my nickname in the gym is Boots because my ankle's fused. I can't bend it at all. So I wear boots to work out in. It's not that I'm trying to set some fashion trend. It's the only thing that I can wear.. And I kept having people say, hey, can you talk to— can you call my aunt? She is really down and depressed and won't get off the couch. Then I had somebody say, hey, could you come speak to our networking group? And I was like, well, I've never done a talk before. I don't even know where I would start. Then I had a lady go, hey, I have a group of women. Can you speak to Dress for Success? And I started speaking. And then I thought, you know what, if I wrote a book, I could just change one person's life, I can turn this pain to purpose. And this would have happened for not just any reason, but it happened because I helped that one person. And so I had this idea to write a book. Now, Lori, I didn't even own a computer.

Really? I didn't. Really?

This is like 7 years ago.

I didn't own a computer.

And I had this idea to write a book and everybody was like, yeah, girl, you need to stick to the fitness. Like, you don't have a college education, you don't even own a computer. Like, really? So I was like, well, then I'm definitely going to write a book.

Exactly.

I'm going to do this. I don't know what it is and I don't know about you, but when somebody tells me I can't do something, that's the first thing I want to do. I'm like, really? Let me go do that then. And so I, I handwrote like 90% of the book. Stop it.

This is amazing.

Like 90%. And then I went and bought a laptop and I called my editor. I'm like, what kind of laptop do I need? And then I went, you know, Apple has these free classes and I signed. I didn't know how to use it. I mean, my whole business was all word of mouth. And I was old school. I did stuff by hand, wrote out exercise programs by hand for people. And I bought this laptop and I signed up for a class at Apple. And the guy— I'm taking the class and the guy stops the class and he says, I just have to stop a minute. I just have to say, I have never had anyone like you in class before who wasn't embarrassed to raise their hand and ask questions for some of the simplest questions like, like, you really don't know how to— I'm like, I'm not embarrassed. I don't know how to do this, and I need to figure it out because I'm on a mission. So I had— there was no shame in my game. I'm like, yeah, you can— I've just never owned a computer.

Yeah.

And I need to figure this out. And I mean, I did not even know how to attach a picture to an email. That's how— like, I really didn't know how to do stuff. And I wrote this book, and lo and behold, I had a publisher that wanted it. And then I got a publicist because my publisher was a small publisher. So I knew— luckily I had a client of mine who was an editor, and she told me, she said, Amberly, you don't have a big publisher. If you want this book to get in the hands of the right people, you need to hire a publicist to help you. And so I had another client that happened to be roommates with a publicist that was Muhammad Ali's publicist. So I got to get on a phone call with her and she's like, look, I don't usually work with people who aren't with a big publisher or, or who aren't a New York Times bestselling author. She goes, I've got this system you can just pay for and do it yourself. And I said, well, no, I really want you. She goes, well, I'll read your book. I'll think about working with you, but only if I like your book. So she comes back and she read my book and she said, wow, She goes, wow, your, your book was actually really good. And I said, well, thanks. She goes, but again, you aren't with a big name publisher. And so, you know what? I don't think it's a good idea. I can't make any guarantees. And I looked at her and I said, you know what? You're a badass and I want to work with you. And she goes, oh, I don't think she was expecting me to say that. Yeah. And so she hired, like, she was like, okay, you can hire me.

I'm—

and we work together. And she said, Amberly, you say yes to everything. You just say yes. So she would message me, say, I need you to write a blog. I need you to go on this podcast. I need you to do that. I was just like, yes, yes, yes. And then she goes, Amberly, are you sitting down? She goes, I don't believe this. And I said, yeah, I'm sitting down. What do you need? Anything you need. Yes. She goes, I can't believe it, but Meghan Kelly actually wants to interview you. They want to have you on the Today Show. Like, she was in disbelief.

So hard to get on the Today Show.

And I was like, really? And she goes, and not only that, they're willing to fly you out to be on the show. They never do that, but they're going to fly you and your husband and your daughter out to New York.

Wow.

So So I call my husband and I'm like, honey, you won't believe this. I was like, first of all, he was shocked that I got a publisher and he was like sick of the whole, like, stress of trying to figure this out. And I tell him, hey, honey, they want me on The Today Show. And he goes, you know what? You are on your own. You go to New York on your own. And I was like, okay, click. I was like, I'm on my own. And then he calls me 10 minutes later and he goes, hey, I'm really sorry, but that's really cool and I'll go with you. And I'm like, well, that's good because they're getting you a ticket too. And so despite people saying you'll never do it, not owning a computer, not knowing what I'm doing, I so intensely and so passionately was like, I am determined. I'm going to do whatever it takes. And I didn't have social media. Lori, you were one of the first people that I followed and I was like, wow, this lady's amazing. She's doing it all. Like, she's speaking, she's got a book that's successful, she's got a woman tribe, and she's like all over and she's look at her podcast and you have inspired me so much. And I'll never forget when I got to share the stage with you and I think it was at Powerful You was the event. Yeah. And I walked over to you, we were in the green room and I said, Lori, you know what? I saw that post you did about self-tanner and how much it helps. I tried it and I made the mistake of trying to do it by myself and it did not turn out good. And you're like, yeah, don't do it yourself. You need to get like a spray tan.

That was like my first conversation with you. That's the best first conversation with me, though. Like, I wouldn't have wanted to say anything else to you first.

That was perfect. I was like, hey, girl, I really tried that, that whole— and I learned a lesson. Don't try to do it myself. I am— didn't work out for me.

Let me tell you all the spray tan lessons.

This is probably my best.

Oh my gosh, that is— this is so incredible. And I think, you know, what's, what's so awesome about being able to, like, sit and do podcasts with each other is me getting to learn all of these details where I'm like, She probably has no idea that I literally struggled so much with my computer and was probably still struggling with my computer, like even learning it, period, because I didn't graduate high school. And then I didn't, even though I had a computer, I was so bad with it that I remember like simple things where people would tell me, you know, I'm like, "What do I do with this?" Or, "How do I upload this, my document, because I'm trying to share this workout with someone?" Like, what would, be like for them 30 seconds, I'd sit on my couch for 4 hours and cry because I'd be trying to figure it out. And it was years and years of frustration with like technology and thinking I, I was so dumb and having all of these crazy struggles that like you don't realize this is what everyone's dealing with where we have these skill sets that we don't know because we've spent our lives in other areas doing different things. And so when you go to apply yourself somewhere else, it's like you're like, God, I feel like I'm a smart person and I can do this. But it just— it can completely just make you feel like you're such a failure every single day trying to do the most simple things.

Well, yeah. And I remember having a conversation. There's, you know, my husband had a computer, he had a PC. And I remember, do you know that the fitness brand Lorna Jane?

Yes.

So they were doing— this was one of the first events I ever got asked to speak at. So I guess it was the event planner had found out about— they found out about my story and they reached out to me and they said, we want you to speak on a panel. We're doing a women's event and each night you will do like— you'll be featured and you'll all come together and Lori, it was like Daniel Laporte and these, like, crazy famous fitness people who had back then— this is like 6, 7 years ago, 7 years ago. And they have— they had massive followings back then. I literally had maybe 1,000 followers on Instagram at this point. At this point. And I didn't even— I wasn't even familiar with how to do social media., but I knew that if I wanted to get my message out there, I was going to have to figure out how to do it. And so when I remember they asked me to do this and just trying to attach a headshot so they could put it on their website, and I was struggling with it and I asked my husband and he was like, oh, what do you want? What, what do you, what do you want now with a computer? And I was like, well, I just don't know how to attach this picture to an email and they need it right now. And he was getting frustrated with me, and I just burst into tears. And I was like, it can't be that hard. I just don't know how to do it. I just need to be taught. And it's one of the main reasons why I started my own mastermind, because I struggled so much and felt so alone in trying to figure things out and trying to figure social media out and trying to share my message and and how things work that I was like, I don't want other women to feel that way. I want to show them. I will tell them all the mistakes I made, all the money that I wasted, the times I got ripped off. Like, we need to come together and help each other out, you know what I mean? And so when I have people that are like, well, social media is just not my thing, it's before my time, I'm like, Girl, do you know how old I am? I've got a 30-year-old daughter. Like, I'm 53. I didn't know how to use social media. If it's important to you, you will figure it out. You will find the time to commit to it and you will figure it out. And I don't know about you, Lori, but like, social media can be a love-hate relationship, but I view it as like it's a business strategy for me.

For sure.

Same.

And I think anybody listening to this, whether it's something like we went through or something that you're learning that's new for your business. I feel like there's always something like this that is such a frustration point that it almost makes you wanna throw in the towel every single day. And I do believe that there are those periods in your business where you're dealing with stuff like that frequently, and then it's like things can start coming together. You start, maybe you make your first hire and you notice that you can start delegating some different things. You can get different team members and things like that. Anyone who's in those points, what would you say to them to like get through? What are some— what are— what's some advice for those people who are in the point where everything's frustrating because it's the beginning and they don't know what to do?

Oh, I would say learn to delegate, learn to dump, and work on your strengths and hire your weaknesses. And now look, I was a one-woman show for a long time, and I still run my social media on my main page. I now have an incredible— you know, I've worked with a graphic graphics team now for a long time who does my podcast page graphics. I have a producer who edits my podcast. I tried to do that on my own. I don't like it. And if you don't like something, it's not good. You're not going to be successful at it. More than likely you're going to want to quit it. You're going to, you know. And so if you're sitting there going, well, good for you that you can hire somebody to do this or that. I loved that. I did start out figuring out how to do everything because guess what? If somebody on your team, you know, I just drops the ball or they disappear or they're on vacation, you know, it's very helpful if you have a backup plan or you know how to do things. So, you know, God forbid you have to step in and do that on your own. Um, that's definitely happened to me. But also what has helped me is like I have a scholarship for my mastermind, and what that entails is, yeah, you get to be in the mastermind, But guess what? I'm going to put you to work and I'm going to need you to help me with the recap email, or I'm going to need you to help me with posting on the Mastermind page, or, you know, so you can do things like that. But it takes a special person who is like that, you trust, that has the same values, that you can give that. So there are different ways of bringing somebody in and delegating things. And then, you know, for me, I wrote my book and really focused on that. And then I started speaking and really focused on that. Then I started my podcast and really focused on that. For me, I'm the kind of person that I have to really— I've got like ADHD and I can have a monkey mind, like so scattered, and I have to get focused. And if I could just focus on getting something done one thing at a time, then I'm better and I'm not scattered. But so I'm big on making lists and checking that list off and really asking for help.

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You, you know, you're talking about focus, and for me that was one of the hardest things. I mean, honestly, I don't even think it was until this last year that I really started to understand how to get my life very focused. Actually, my word for the year is organized, and I'm already like, it is paying off so much to actually put focus on organization, it's life-changing. But with that, what have you had— did you have a year of yes where you've— or like years of yes where you've had to say yes to everything? It sounds kind of like you did maybe with the book as well. When do you know to start saying no, and what do you say— like, what are you saying no to now?

You know what, I had a client of mine share this with me a long time ago. She goes, You know, Amberly, when you say yes to something, you're saying no to yourself or your family or something else. And so I really think about even like as far as speaking, I got to the point where, you know, I thought, well, I want to be speaking all the time. And guess what? It happened. And I was traveling and I was away from my family and I thought, okay, no, I'm going to get really intentional about how much I'm traveling. And even, you know, I this past year for my annual event, I was like, I'm not going to be traveling for any other events like the month before my event. And then Google reached out to me and I was like, you know what, I'm not flying to Chicago to go speak for Google unless they pay me this much money. And they paid me that much money. I was like, oh well, I guess I'm going to Chicago. You know, it feels good now, but I have gotten— I've gotten really discerning on who I want to work with, who I collaborate with, that we're in alignment, that we have the same or similar— not exact same, but similar values. And I think energy is everything and everything is energy. And our friend Erin King talks about that a lot.

I love the best.

She is the best. I love her. And I think it's so true. I started really paying attention to energy and when I'm with that I feel good? Do I feel energized? Do I have more joy? Do I want to just bust out into a dance? You know what I mean? And so that really helps me. I think that listening to your gut and your intuition, like, our heads can say something, our hearts can, but our guts never lie. And so I did have to get a little bit more discerning to what was working. And actually what helped me with that, and I love that your word is organization, because That is something I really struggle with. And I was telling you before we started recording that I just got a new assistant who, man, she's a bulldog. She means business. And she always says, I'm the black to your pink, Amberly, because she's like hardcore, like tatted up, black nails, like she's ready to like go after, like, and I'm like, well, let's be a little kinder when you're reaching out to that person.

Okay.

Oh, come on now. But she's helped me get more organized and she's also helped me just with making decisions and say, wait a minute. Nope, nope. You said you weren't going to do that unless it was this or that, you know. Oh, good. It's helped a lot.

Yeah. You're like, oh, you're holding me to it. Isn't that so interesting? Talking about how sometimes we can be so— obviously we're so attracted to people who we feel great around. And I do believe— okay, this is a good question for you because the gut doesn't lie. But sometimes you have to learn how to translate the gut because sometimes it— the feeling of what you think is a red flag is actually fear because you're not familiar with it. So talking about out your, your tatted, new, amazing bulldog. We love these descriptions for the people that help us. Um, I love, love, love, because we're like, yes, I need that. Because you need somebody who can go out and be that person for you sometimes in the world. But once in a while, with either different friendships or maybe even like people that I need as an advisor, or someone who has a skill set that I don't have, sometimes they can be such a different energy than I'm used to, than I love hanging out with. Like, obviously I'm drawn you, I'm drawn to an Erin King, I'm drawn to a Lindsay Schwartz, I'm drawn to a Patrice Washington, who when I'm around them, my gut is just like, yes, this is amazing. We can talk for hours. It's very chatty. It feels good. It feels good right away for the most part. But then sometimes I have these friends who actually are some of my best friends now. But at first, my gut didn't feel great. It was a little off. I was a little intimidated. I was like, ooh, they're a lot. They're they're kind of like, maybe they're a little hard, maybe they're like very, you know, their boundaries are very firm, and maybe some of those boundaries were used on me and I didn't know how I felt about it. And, you know, it just made me question everything. I was like, ooh, I don't know if I like you. Can you tell me a little bit about how you've gone through that experience of sometimes that feeling can actually just be a fear and we might need to explore it more?

Yeah, that's such a great question. And then I think that a lot of times when I feel that way, I think, well, What am I learning from them? Like, what is it that I need to learn? And, you know, I've, I've, I remember I've been on the phone with, you know, I think coaches, mentors, masterminds are so important and can really move the needle on your business, on your life.

Hands down. I think it's everything.

It's, it's life-changing. And I always have a coach coach, always have a mentor for any new thing I'm doing, and get in the middle of a mastermind. I think it's super, super important. But there have been times when I have talked to a coach and it was hard because I did feel that, that fear kind of, and that uncomfortable, and I was very emotional and I was very scared. And they were very intimidating, but I ran towards it in one particular instance and it didn't end up being good. So I've made some mistakes. And what I've learned from that is— and I actually just gave somebody this advice yesterday. I had a call with somebody who was interested in the masterminds. And I said, I said, can I tell you? I said, can I offer a suggestion, something that I've learned from? She goes, oh yeah, yeah, sure. And I said, whether you decide to join my mastermind or this person's mastermind or that person's mastermind, I said, I really highly suggest that you reach out to people who have been a part of their coaching program or their mastermind and you talk to somebody and ask them, what was your experience with it? Because I learned some I made some big mistakes. Well, I learned a lot from them and it was because I was like, oh, okay, I'm scared of this, but they must know they got a lot of success. I'm going to go sign up for their $50,000 program here. Let me wire you the money. And it was a big mistake. So if your gut is kind of, oh, kind of scared, go, go kind of ask more questions. I tend to just like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to jump into that. Yes. I'm going to do it and figure it out along the way. And I've had to kind of go, wait a minute, well, let me reel it in a little bit. I actually got in trouble by my team. They got upset with me and they were like, Amberly, stop sending us all these things. I need this, I need that. I need, you know, I'd take a screenshot of I need this, I need an ad like this, I need a landing page like that, you know, and they're like, stop. Top. And I'm like, oh, sorry, okay, I'll get organized. Because yeah, that's hard.

They'll be on a— trust me, I've done that. Like, that is like one of the biggest things that I've done to my team. And you know, they'll be on a project that you are already doing, and it's taking focus from them because our disorganization makes them disorganized. Because they're like, what, what, how do you want me to prioritize this? Do I take my attention away from the other thing that you sent me, or the other thing that working on? Like, what's important? What's my role? What's— that's been so powerful for me to realize that I have had, you know, you and I were kind of talking about this before we got on, talking about, you know, get help having our amazing assistants help us get more organized. And I was saying how some of the bad experiences with my assistants were because I didn't know how to lead them very much, because I was like just giving them such scattered direction and asks that it was like they had no opportunity to even be the incredible employee that they could be because I wasn't giving them enough just direction, clarity, taking time to ask what their skill sets were, what brought them joy. Speaking of your book, like, all of that is so factored in to, you know, having someone be great for you. And man, it is such a learning lesson. What's been one of your biggest, like, learning lessons as becoming a leader and having people work for you?

Oh, that's so good. Well, you know, I used to interview people and I've hired from all kinds of companies like Belay and they match you up with people and interviewed people and thought I knew all the right questions to ask. And boy, was I wrong. And, you know, I had people a lot of times go, oh yeah, yeah, I'm super smart. Oh, I— yes, I know how to work Kajabi and MailChimp and Dropbox. And they told me all the things that I really wanted to hear. But when it came time to do it, they're like, oh, I don't know how to figure— I don't know how to do that. And I'm like, oh gosh. Well, in my mind I'm like, well, let me be a good leader. Let me be patient. Let me teach them and What I learned, a valuable, valuable lesson I learned is you can't change somebody's attitude, but you can teach them skills. I would much rather hire somebody with a great attitude and teach them some skills that maybe they don't know than somebody with skills, but they've got a bad attitude. They don't match my energy because when you're hiring somebody, they're representing you. You know, they're reaching out to the event planner and I love my new assistant. And but when I first started with her, she, like I said, she's a bulldog and she had done reached out to the team, the, you know, my event planner, the graphics designer and my web guy and sent out an email. And the way she worded it, she threw in some F-bombs in there. And when we got on the call, my team was like, Amberly does not talk to us that way. I don't— we don't like that kind of energy. So I loved that she was receptive and apologized and said, I will work on that and please call me out when I do anything like that. I don't want, you know, so it was a good team meeting, but they were all like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is not how Amberly talks to us. She leads with kindness. And gratitude. And I do, because I am so grateful for this team. I'm so grateful that, you know, it takes a while to find somebody that you trust, and that's big. But I really believe that hiring somebody based on their attitude and their personality and how they are as a person and then teaching them the skills— because if you've got somebody that they're a good person, they're a hard worker, they want to do good in the world, they want to do good for you and they're nice and they're kind and they're going to figure it out.

Yeah, definitely. And just the fact that, you know, I think some people could have been like, whoa, maybe this is like off-putting, maybe this is the wrong person. There's so many things that you can go through with like teaching and taking a minute to chat with them and get them back on track or whatever that looks like. And the fact that she was receptive, I think that's huge as well, like receptivity to, to trying something new and being like, like, oh, I'm sorry about that, let's try again. Because when people aren't used to working with people, I know for me it was like sometimes if I didn't like a few things like in a row that someone did, I'd be like, oh, they're the wrong person. Like, it'd be so easy to write that off. And it's like, we have to remember people have worked with other teams, they come from other places, like they're getting rid of different habits that they've had. And, and being patient with people and seeing if they're receptive and, and quickly receptive like that. I love that. All right, so I want to circle back to your book because I want to know what your favorite things that you have in there, like biggest, most impactful that you feel for you, even though we know the book is going to hit people all different. What were some of the things that you wrote about in the book that you really want people to get?

I think what I really think is going to be impactful for people is that actually at the end of each chapter, I give actionable, like, here is your guide. So here is your roadmap. And I talk about like setting healthy boundaries, protecting your energy, the power of forgiveness, when to give yourself grace. I talk about ways to really bring joy into your life, mind, body, and spirit. And I also go through my PACER methodology, which which is like a 5-step process to help you be more resilient. So shifting your mindset, being more resilient and stronger, and then really embracing the present moment and creating this life of joy. I remember years ago, I was so excited. I had, you know, been on the Today Show, then I was about to be on The Doctors, and my dad called and I was like, Dad, you know, I'm going to be on The Doctors. Can you believe they want me on the doctor's TV? And I said, then I'm scheduled to go on Hallmark. Like, this is why I'm so excited. And he goes, well, Amberly, and, you know, he didn't say congratulations or, oh, that's cool. He said, well, Amberly, just don't forget to enjoy the journey. And that really stuck with me. And I thought, you know what? That's what life is all about. And there was one interview I heard with you, Lori, It was a long time, it was a while ago. And I think the question was something about, do you think money can buy you happiness? Happiness. And you had answered like, it's not about the final destination. But for me, that just came to mind, that interview you did. But for me, I really think that happiness or joy isn't about, oh, when I get there, I'll be happy, or when I make this amount of money, I'll be happier when I get when I meet that person, or when I have 5 kids, or whatever it may be, then I'll be happy. It's really about choosing gratitude and purpose and being present in the moment so you can have joy through the journey of life's ups and downs. Hmm.

Well, I'm so glad you wrote the book because it's truly— I think it's one of the most important— it's the most important thing because I can tell you, You know, we've had success, we've lost it, we've had success, we've lost it. We've like, we've gone on the roller coaster and like throughout all of that, when I was younger, it's kind of like your emotional baseline, whether you're successful or whether you, you know, you don't have money at the time, it doesn't change a lot unless you decide to change your baseline. Like no amount of success can actually change the joy that you are deciding to experience and acknowledge in your life, which is why when you said, you know, I have to go do joy spotting, like, I literally have created different things like that in my life for morning, for afternoon, for evening. Like, I have rituals around making sure that you acknowledge the joy every day, whether it was the shittiest day that you can possibly remember or whether it was a great day. Because at the end of the day, I don't think the things or like the things, or even some of the most heightened experiences that you might look at Amberly's life and be like, oh, I'll be happy when I'm on a stage, or she must be so happy. No, you have to choose to be present for those moments, and you have to do these practices that you've written about in your book in order to be present in your life. Or you could skip a decade like I feel like I did, and I don't even know if I was present for it, you know. I don't even know if I experienced joy through any of it because I didn't understand how to do this. So I do believe that even, you know, when you practice the things in your book— and you guys, absolutely go and get this book because I think it just brings more abundance and more opportunities in your book— because joy is a magnetizing energy. It's the thing that people want to be around. And I can tell you, like, having this conversation with you— and I knew, I knew a bit about your chronic pain, but I didn't know that truly it was just like every single day and every single moment it's following you. It's shocking to me because you're one of the most joyful people that I've been able to be around. So it's working. It's working. And I'm so grateful for you. So anything else that you want to leave people with?

Oh, thank you.

Well, I just—

I want people to know that if they're struggling, you know, I've been and I have hit rock bottom. I've been through challenges. And I will say that, and, you know, we've had $2.9 million worth of medical expenses and a lien on our house at one time. I've been in a place where I didn't know if the next day was the day they were going to amputate my leg or not, or if I was going to live through the next surgery. And I have another surgery coming up and I know that I can get through it and I can still have joy. And I know that anyone listening can too. And my wish is that this book will provide you the tools and be a roadmap for you to really enjoy the journey. Mm.

Love that so much. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you so much, Lori Harder. Oh my gosh, I just love you. And I said this is a dream come true. Anytime I get to, like, talk to you, hang out with you, it is just It brings me so much joy.

Oh, I love that so much. Well, thank you for coming on. And you guys, absolutely go and get this book. I will link it up. It's in the show notes. You can go and check it out. Super easy. And give Amberly a follow. Amberly, what's your Instagram handle?

Amberly Lago Motivation. And yeah, I will be shouting this interview off the rooftops, and I think we should screenshot it and tag Lori Harder and really show her some love. So I encourage y'all to screenshot this if you're listening on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're listening, maybe you're watching and tag us. When I see somebody has tagged me, I share my story. But let's like show Lori a lot of love.

Well, vice versa, you guys. So I'm so grateful. Amberly, thank you again so much. And you guys, As always, earn your happy, and I will see you on the next podcast. Bye everyone.