How To Get Past Feeling Scared

If you guys are really scared to do things, but you know they're the right moves, there's two reasons you do them. One, you got to do them because of the right moves or your life's not going to change. But number two, the more often you do them with repetition, all of a sudden you build this new muscle where the once scary things don't even hit your radar of scary anymore. But here's the catch 22. If you don't start doing these things on a regular basis, the rest of your life is going to feel sc.

And we're back with another episode of He Said, she Said.

Do it scared, babe.

Do it scared.

We were just talking about the number of times that we have done something while scared absolutely correlates with the number of successes that we've had in life.

Okay, so before we really dive in, because I'm gonna. I wanna dig into where you've been really, really scared in your life and you've done something and how you feel on the other side. But I wanna know, do you feel like you get scared? Something that maybe you can't categorize as fear, but you feel your heart race a little bit every single week, do you do something that kind of like, okay, here we go. Like, you know it's scary, but now you're just used to it.

I don't think every single week, but at least once every 30 to 60 days, I do something that feels scary to do. Whether it's reaching out to somebody or talking to a certain investor or, I don't know, being on a certain show or getting an interview or who knows.

What, like going to dinner with new people, even like different things like that that I think of that. The point I want to make is that I think we've gotten so used to things that are scary that things in the beginning that we would have called scary, we're doing them all the time.

Yeah, they're just not scary.

Your capacity does grow, but it doesn't go away. But your capacity definitely grows.

Well, I think that's the first takeaway is if you guys are really scared to do things, but you know they're the right moves. There's two reasons you do them. One, you got to do them because of the right moves or your life's not going to change. But number two, the more often you do them with repetition, all of a sudden you build this new muscle where the once scary things don't even hit your radar of scary anymore. But here's the catch 22. If you don't start doing these things on a regular basis, the rest of your life is going to feel scary, and you're going to be stuck behind this giant wall that's going to hold your life back forever and ever, called the Wall of Mother Freaking Scared.

So for you, what is a time to try to remember way back when you did something that was scary, that you didn't know how it was going to turn out? And it was like something that really, really, up until that point, had rocked your world?

Okay. I know one. When I went to my partner at the mortgage bank. I was a partner in a mortgage bank for a few years right after the tail end of the recession there and said, hey, this is not working out. We're not getting along. I want to sell my equity to you and get out of here. And then come home and just help Lori with her personal brand that she had at the time. That was scary because conventional wisdom would say it was dumb. Like, the typical person would have just toughed it out and hoped that it got better. But I didn't want a life where I was toughing it out and hoping it got better. I wanted a life where I worked with people, where I was really happy every day. You know what I mean? But it was scary to leave the income and the future opportunity because it was a thriving mortgage bank. We really were doing incredible at the time. And it was a time where I didn't feel like I had a lot of other opportunities either.

Right.

So it's not like I had the confidence of, hey, I'm gonna leave one good opportunity for another. I had no idea what in the heck I was gonna do afterwards. And that's scary, but I knew that wasn't the right one for me. And so sitting down and tearing off that band aid, saying, I'm outta here. Let's hash it out. What's this gonna look like financially? And going through that battle and then coming home and saying, all right, babe, I'm just helping you grow your brand. I got no idea what's in front of us. There was nothing guaranteed there that was scary, especially as a man. Cause you're supposed to be like, the breadwinner.

Yeah. I think even. Especially at that time, which doesn't seem that long ago, but it kind of was like a very different time. And we were in the Midwest, so everything gets there a little bit slower. And we didn't see other people doing what we were doing. So it was kind of like we wanted to be this thing that we really didn't even see Yet, So we didn't know if it would work. And I think at the time for you, there was a lot going on in you that I didn't even know. So you were dealing with, I feel like, because of your old perfectionist traits, like, you were suffering a lot in silence. Because I come to find out later that you're like, I'm viewing you as this breadwinner, and, oh, my gosh, you're so capable and you're so confident in your life, and you've had so much success in this job. Except I didn't know that you felt like this golden handcuff feeling because you didn't graduate from college and you didn't. You felt like that was your only skill set.

My only route I could take and.

Didn'T know of, like, that whole industry was, like, gone in a second for a while. So for him, I had no idea that he's sitting there battling, trying to be confident for me, but feeling like a total failure and doesn't know where to go now.

Well, the point is, made the move anyway.

Made the move anyway.

I remember when I told my parents, hey, Mom, Dad, I think I'm going to sell out of my partnership and just go home and work with Lori on these projects that we're doing. I remember where I was when they said, you sure you want to do that, son? It seems like you have a good thing with a good opportunity in front of you. And that's good parent advice, by the way, because it wasn't logical what I was doing, but I knew it was what I had to do. Yeah.

So for me, a time when I felt really scared, there's so many, Chris. That's why I'm like. I feel like I have just been going from fear after fear after fear, which is why I think I've experienced the success I've experienced.

So pick one and share it with the damn folks.

So I would say the first one would be way back in the day when I decided to do a fitness competition out of nowhere, had no idea how to do one. I mean, small town, Midwest, didn't, like, see this around me, did not know how to do it, didn't even know where one was. And having to go and find somebody who could maybe train me, find a fitness competition. What does this even look like? Even if I end up doing okay? Like, what does that even mean? Like, how can I use it? How can I use this? What do I really want? Like, to propel my future forward, Stand.

On a stage in a bikini with spotlights and being judged literally.

Yeah. When you're somebody who at the time had panic attacks and anxiety and was on a beta blocker because of it, this is a big deal. So because I was like, I don't think I want to be on these meds anymore. I think I want to see what it's like to just face my fears. That's just where I was at. And I decided that I needed to do something really big and scary to get over this fear because I was only getting worse.

Yeah.

Do you remember how bad I was getting? I was getting freaked out to even go out with friends because I had such social anxiety. And I was like, if I don't get a grip on this and start doing scary things more frequently, I'm going to end up in a padded room. This is literally what I felt like. I didn't want to leave the house, and I knew I had to do something big and scary. And ever since that time in my life, I learned that doing the scary thing is actually freedom, because when you don't do scary things, you're scared.

I remember another one I want to point out about you. Around the same time you discovered speaking on stage. I mean, I've never seen someone so terrified to speak on a stage as what you were, which is related to the things you're just talking about, social anxiety and all that. I mean, it was physically crippling for you. And you went from not being able to murmur a word on stage almost. I'm not exaggerating there. And damn near having a panic attack where you'd have to go to a hospital if someone's gonna put you on stage and make you speak, to saying, screw it. I'm gonna start my own. What do you call it? Event called the Bliss Project. And that event started the bulk majority of women's events out there right now. Women's entrepreneurial and self development events out there. When you built that stage and said, screw it, I'm gonna get up there and I'm going to figure out how to get 500 women in a room and hope that greatness comes out of it. That was the springboard for so many of these that we see today. And you were terrified. What if people didn't come? What if they didn't buy tickets? What if you passed out on stage? You almost did. Yeah.

I truly remember just not even knowing if I was going to be able to do it. And I used prayer the entire time. It was the only way that I could do it. But you have to face it I also did a lot of work around thinking about if I never did it. Like, I actually let myself go there. Like, what am I going to feel like in five years if I don't face this fear? What am I going to feel like in 10 years? What will my life be like in 20 years? And I would sit in that feeling and make it so real and so vivid. And I would say, how will I be showing up for my loved ones? How will I be treating them? Who will be left in my life? Because I was also in a place where I was kind of being weird. I was pushing people away and I didn't like who I was. I was drinking too much and picking fights with Chris. Like, it was all because I felt trapped. And I knew I was trapping myself because I wanted to avoid the scary thing. Because I was so. I had myself so convinced that I was a person with panic attacks and anxiety and that that was just something wrong with me. And it was because I wasn't facing my fears.

Yeah, nobody's broken. And that you can't overcome those things. Most people aren't willing to step into that scary mess of facing it and fixing it. And you said something else that I don't want to gloss over. You gave people the formula right now to overcoming their fear, and that is this. You need to viscerally, and I mean viscerally, picture what happens to your life if you don't do the scary thing and it stays the same or continues on the bad trajectory it's already on, or even the boring trajectory it's already on, or even the wrong trajectory that it's already on. What happens in your life if you don't do the scary thing? How does it turn out in five years, in 10 years, in 15 years, in 20 years? If you stay on the trajectory you are on right now, and that should scare you enough, where that's the far scarier outcome than getting on the stage or doing the thing or whatever it is that you're afraid of. You see, sometimes you're not choosing between what am I afraid of and what am I not afraid of. Most of the times in life when you're making the best choices, that'll really put you on a different trajectory. You're choosing between the lesser of two evils. You're choosing between which scared is scarier than the other one. And that typically is if you stay on the same path that you are headed for right now instead of starting to do some of the other scary things that would put you on a better path.

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So I was just thinking of all of the ways that we have overcome all of our fears. All of it, all of it has traced back to, yes, it may have started with books and podcasts, but those led us to rooms. And ultimately every transformation that I've had is in a room. That's why I have dedicated a lot of my life to events and transformative events, is because I can name 15 events that I've been to that have given me some crazy breakthrough to keep on growing, keep on going. And for me, it's always been about getting in the rooms and continuing to build my network. Because your network has every answer that you need. And if you don't have your answer yet, it's because you've not built the network that you need.

Yeah, it's a lot easier actually, now that you mentioned it, to not be scared when you know you have the right people in place to support you if whatever you're afraid of happens, that's another great resource. You're right. I gave one a minute ago. A better one is put yourself, or at least assemble your community so that you've got people to kick you back in the game or to help you recover or to tell you, hey, you know, here's the positives of the negative thing that just happened. You need those type of people in your life in order to feel the confidence to do what it is that you're scared to do. Because now you know you have people you can follow. I remember Lori, you used to have two friends. I mean, you still have two friends, but you guys have a secret code that you text each other whenever you're scared to do something or something that was about to happen, and you just text it to them and they know that they got to come to your rescue and kind of kick you in the game and help you through whatever it is that you're scared of in that moment. And you've got to work hard to find and assemble those people in your life. We're going to give an opportunity in 2024 to do that too, aren't we?

I am so excited about this. I'm actually like, this, to me, will be the most fun thing that we have done together yet in our career.

The best thing ever. First of all, it's been a long time since you and I did anything together. You have your events, I have my events. Yeah, it's been years since we've actually done one together. And we've been kicking around something that is the dopest thing you have ever heard of in your entire life. Something you haven't heard of before in your life. Not that I've heard of before. And it's gonna be the best way to get in a room with awesome people. Anyhow, we don't want to let you know too much about it right now, but if you want to get on the early access list to be the first to find out. If you're just curious, you're curious, send us a text. Text us the word dinner. I'll let you read into that all that you want, but text us the word dinner. 2310-421-0416. Again, text us the word dinner to 310-421-0416.

All right, you guys, we are so grateful for you and we can't wait to share more details about what that is about. I mean, everyone loves dinner, right?

And in the meantime, remember, the lesser between two scareds is the one that's going to put you on a better trajectory. Choose that one. Thanks for listening.

See you next week.