The #1 Skill Harvard Says You MUST HAVE to Open More Doors & Deepen Relationships

Conversations literally are going to change the game on who you're going to meet, what doors are going to open, who trusts you, who funds you, who hires you, and who wants a second meeting. Or you guys, if you're dating, a second date and a third date. Most people think successful conversations are just naturally, like if you're charismatic. And that's not true at all. Hey, everyone, welcome back to the podcast. Time for another quickie. Because there's always time to fit in inspiration. And because it's that kind of interesting holiday time right now, in between everything, I got to go on the most amazing walk this morning. I just decided to do one of those walks where you don't have any appointments in the morning, you don't have somewhere to be. And I was like, I am going to wander my town, and whether it's for an hour, for two hours, for three hours, I am just going to find a great podcast or two, turn it on, and I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm not going to go my normal route and I'm just gonna walk around and like, wander and listen to this podcast. And so I turned on a podcast that I'd been wanting to listen to, but it was Diary of a CEO and it was like a. Oh, my gosh, I think it's like a two hour, maybe two and a half hour, potentially podcast. And I went and I listened to pretty much this entire podcast on my walk and I loved it. You guys are going to love it. It is Harvard's Behavior Expert is the title the Psy of why People don't like you. And it's with Allison Wood Brooks. Now, if you don't have two and a half hours or more, might have been three for this podcast, I am going to give you the Cliff Notes between the podcast hosts of Diary of a CEO and Alison Wood Brooks. But something that I want you to go and do is grab this book. If this topic interests you as much as it interests me, I want you to go grab it because I really believe it's going to change your life. So listen. This topic was all about conversation. And clearly this is interesting to me because I talk for a living. I have four podcasts on here a week, which some of you know and some of you listen to. And so I love asking questions. I love having great conversations. It is so painful for me to do small talk, which in this podcast she talked about how very important some small talk is, but moving through it fairly quickly. So there is a talk framework that she has that she also wrote about in her book, which. I'm putting this all in the Cliff Notes, you guys. Or you're gonna put this. Or I'm gonna put this in the show notes below. But I wanna talk about how even though conversation sounds simple or just even the concept of it, everything in your life and your business changes because conversations are literally are going to change the game on who you're going to meet, what doors are going to open, who trusts you, who funds you, who hires you, and who wants a second meeting. Or you guys, if you're dating. I could not believe some of the info. Harvard did a study on speed dating. This is also determined upon who gets a second date and a third date. So none of this is random. And Alison Wood Brooks truly breaks this down so beautifully on this podcast. If you guys want to tune in, I just gave you the title. So she's also the author. Author of Talk, which is the Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves. So the science of conversation is essentially what I'm talking about today. And that's what she talked about on Diary of a CEO. So the biggest takeaway of this podcast for me was that conversation is not your personality. It's not a personality trait. It's truly a skill that you learn. And for all of you who are like, oh, you know, some people are better at it. You're better at it, Lori, because you, you know, maybe you were born that way and maybe you don't think I'm great at it, but whatever you think, and if you went back to my first five podcasts and listened to those interviews, you would see 10 years later, now I have gotten so much better at asking questions. Now, listening to this, I found a few weak spots in myself that I can absolutely improve on that I was like, oh, no, she's saying we shouldn't do this. And I totally do this all the time. So I will share those as we go through. But most people think successful conversations are. Are just naturally. Like, if you're charismatic, and that's not true at all, you don't even have to necessarily be charismatic for people to think that they have had an epic conversation. Something that I learned that you are absolutely going to love is that the research shows that great conversations actually follow a pattern, and all of those patterns can be learned. So Alison Wood Brooks created a framework that's called Talk. And I love this because it explains why some people seem super, like, amazing at conversation. They seem super magnetic. It seems like people trust them right away. The whole room gravitates towards them. And they're also typically very successful. And you might notice that other people do not have this, and it can be a really big struggle. And I've looked, as I was listening to this podcast, I, like, looked back over the years of why I've been able to be extremely successful in some areas. And I can tell you it is because of this. It's because somehow I have been a really big observer my whole life. And I think through that observation, I've observed people who have made me feel really good or people who really control a room really well. And I love to analyze that shit to death. And I think that I've picked up on these frameworks. Now with that said, like I said, I have some where I'm like, oh God, I totally do those wrong. And it got me really excited because I'm like, oh, this is amazing. Like, what could I get better at to get better at? Maybe the art of negotiation, the art of better communication, the art of inspiring and leading my team better. There's a lot of room here, which really, like I said, got me super excited. So let's talk about what she teaches. Because what talk stands for is T is for topics, A is for asking, L is for levity, and K is for kindness. So she talks all about how great conversations don't happen at all by accident. And they actually typically have these four things. When you are intentional about it, you will leave the conversation not only feeling better, but the person will feel much closer and more connected to you. So let's start with T that she talked about. She said most people default to boring surface level topics because they're afraid of awkwardness. Like they're too afraid to actually, actually ask questions that would turn the conversation into something good, something juicy, something where you're like, me too, oh my gosh, let's dig into that. And they stick to things like, how are you? What do you do? Oh, my God, this weather's crazy, right? Because they've. You've probably talked about the weather 10 times that day already. And unfortunately, that's not connection, you guys, it's just autopilot. It's lazy conversation. I have been guilty of this, but now I truly, truly work on doing deeper conversations. But not just that, remembering things about them. And that's a lot of what she talked about too, is a great way to go beyond the surface, is to first of all ask questions, but remember those and come back to them when you see that person again. So I was just thinking about the other Day, I was in my coffee shop that I love to work at. And for me, it's really easy to go into a deeper conversation fast with the baristas there, because I ask them a question every time, and I try to remember what was going on in their life. And then I'll ask about that thing again, like, oh, hey, how's your knee? I know you were, like, having trouble with it, and, you know, what was it from? Or whatever. Like, are you an athlete? Just questions like that. And then you bring it back around and they're like, oh, my God, you remembered. And they're like, oh, it's. It's this or that, and it's affecting this. And, you know, you get to know these people really quickly when you start to put little pins in these ideas of, that's right. I want to try to remember this thing about this person and you guys. We actually, Chris and I do this in our note section of our phone, not with everyone, but of the places that we go all the time. So I have a section in the notes of my phone for my coffee shops that I go to all the time. I have the people's names, and I have something that's going on with them. And I don't refresh it all the time, but I do a pretty good job actually, every couple weeks. And then I. I like, for sure do this at my favorite restaurants with my favorite servers, because it's just, like, the best way to create relationships with people you see all the time. And it's the best way to feel like you have community and to feel deeply, like, interwoven into that community. So she talks about how the most successful people and high performers prepare better for topics. So they're not, like, scripted topics, you guys. They're not like, this is how I'm going to control this conversation. They're just more thoughtful. Like, if I know I'm going to see somebody, I'm probably going to map that conversation out in my head maybe as I'm getting ready or just a couple things I want to ask or try to remember about them. So some examples are, what's something you're excited about right now? I ask this all the time, and it's literally a game changer because it's a easy, light way to get into something that they wouldn't normally just say. With really basic topics, it's like, what are you excited about right now? This could be work. This could be family. This could be a trip. This is going to open up such a huge alley for you. To go down and chat about. So another one is what's been taking up most of your energy lately? Like what have you been spending most of your time on? What are you building or working towards this year? Because better topics are going to equal faster depth. And depth builds trust and trust builds opportunity. People want to do things with people that they feel like they know and they feel like are interested in them and they feel like they trust. Okay, taking a moment for a rich girl tip for you. If you're somewhere between 500k and a million and trying to scale beyond that and feeling weirdly stuck right now, I'm going to tell you something that no one in your circle is going to ever tell you. You're not stuck. You're just surrounded by people who can't take you where you want to go. So we need to be honest. You've outgrown your current circle, you've outgrown the rooms that you're in. And probably a whole lot of the advice that you have been getting is only going to have you regress or keep you stuck exactly where you are. So rich girl rule number one, proximity is a power move, you guys. You can't scale from asking people who haven't built what you want. And number two, if you're the one mentoring everyone, you're in the wrong, wrong room. So trust me, Chris and I have learned this the very expensive way. I have to tell you, this is gonna hurt. We once paid 75k each for a mastermind where we were the most successful people in the room. Cute for our ego, terrible for our business and our pocketbooks. That was one of the most expensive, expensive lessons we've ever had to learn. No one was stretching us. No one had the answers that we really needed to scale. No one was playing much bigger than us. And we will never do that again, you guys. Everything changed when we finally got into the spaces where people talked investments, systems, scale and hiring like CEOs, not just hustling more rooms where conversations literally collapse. Timelines, you guys. And that's why we created the elite entrepreneur mastermind. It is two, three and a half day luxury in person retreats with incredible experiences and it's monthly challenge solving calls, it's direct access to Chris and myself. It's a curated high level network where money moves faster because everyone is thinking so much bigger. Thinking big and making millions of dollars is the baseline in this room. So if you're ready for that type of room that finally matches your ambition, if you're done being the biggest Thinker and pouring into everyone in your space and not getting poured into. Just go to Instagram and DM me the word apply. Or you can go to show notes and you can click on the link below that says elite entrepreneur Mastermind. I will send you all of the details and there we can book a call. If you have more questions, you guys don't forget about rule number three is to not wait for your circle to elevate you. Get in the room that literally upgrades your entire identity. And we also have the mentor collective Mastermind if you have not hit over 500k yet, so go and check that out. And I am so excited to spend time with you in these incredible in person rooms next year. So moving on to the A. The A is for asking and this is the success lever, she calls it. This is the most important part of the framework, she says, because research shows that people who ask more questions are liked more, which is so interesting. I have to tell you guys this. It's crazy. Like sometimes I'll have people who get off the podcast and they're like, oh my gosh, I had so much fun. You're so amazing. I love this. We should hang out. And I'm like, I literally, like, you didn't ask me one question. You actually don't know anything about me. Which, by the way, I think that's the most flattering thing. And the answer is always like, if they're on my podcast, hell yes, I'd love to hang out with them. But why do they feel that way? Because I just sat and probably asked them a minimum of 8 to 25 questions in the hour. That's probably more questions than they have been asked in a very long time if they have not been on a podcast by one individual person. And so this literally proves, like, proves in real time that people who ask more questions are liked more like simply because that person was interested in them. So there's a famous finding that comes from a speed dating study that she talks about in the podcast. And it's the people who asked more questions, even just one more question per interaction, were significantly more likely to get a second date. Why? Same thing. As I said above, because questions signal interest and people want to feel like you're interested in them. Here's the best part. Follow up questions to that question signals that you care. And so this is really where a lot of things started opening up was it wasn't just the first question that you ask. It's continual follow up questions about that first question that you asked. It's like when you go just a little bit deeper than even the average person goes, that's really where things take it to the next level. This is what became very interesting to me. And we'll talk about that in a minute. But the follow up question is where I can fail sometimes because I'm great at asking multiple questions, but I'll kind of ask a question and then and it'll give me something to talk about. Because what she talked about in the podcast is like, oh, what's your favorite restaurant? And they're like, oh, you know, I love going here. And if they said my favorite restaurant, you know, oh, my favorite restaurant is Bandera for me, that's my favorite restaurant. And I'd be like, oh my gosh, I love it. I get this, I get that. Where what I could do better is, oh my gosh, I love that restaurant. What do you love to get there? And then, you know, they could answer and say something and I could say, you know, what's your favorite part about going there? Or what time do you normally like to go there? Or whatever. Just more follow up questions instead of immediately going, oh, thank God we have something to bond over. Oh, thank God we have something in common. Now I can kind of tell them a story then that'll give them something to say. That's kind of how I felt like it should go. By the way, none of this is wrong. There is just a way that can create more connection from the other person initially, and that is with these follow up questions. So, so what I'm simply going to start doing is asking that first question and then digging in one to two more times before I kind of interject and share if I have a story around that particular topic. Because I want them to feel immediately like I care. And I do care and I am interested and I'm excited to do this experiment in my life to see what I get out of this, meaning how much more like connected and maybe more aha's and maybe more I learn about them that I wouldn't initially learn about them. So it's not just being about being curious for curiosity's sake, you guys, it's about something called responsiveness. So responsiveness means when you ask questions, responsiveness means I'm listening to you, I understand you, and you matter to me. So people don't remember how impressive you sounded. You know, a lot of times you think when you walk into a room, you're supposed to have the best stories. You look at some people and you're like, oh, everybody loves Them, they always have the best stories. True, they might have the best stories and people may always love them, but they might not always feel cared for by that person. So you have the ability that even if you haven't traveled the world and have the best stories or whatever that is, you can have responsiveness where people feel like you truly, truly care about them. So follow up questions are where it's at, you guys. Okay, now I want to share something with you that she talks about. The question ladder. So you can use this everywhere. So this is a simple structure that you can use in business, dating, networking, leadership, literally everything. So number one is an open question, like, what's been keeping you busy lately? What have you been spending most of your time on lately? Number two, the follow up question. Oh, which part of that do you enjoy the most? Number three, a depth question. Okay, so why does that matter to you or what part of that really started to impact you and why did that matter? So that is where you're going to take that to a new level, right? You're going to dig in just a little bit more if that feels comfortable, which by the way, way take that out, like literally. I, I don't think you're ever going to feel comfortable at first unless it's someone you've known for a really long time. But if you want deeper conversations faster, you're going to need to dive in. No pun intended, right? Why, oh, why does that, why does that matter to you? And you can ask that maybe in a different way, that there's multiple different ways to ask a question like this, but it's more beyond the surface than the above too. So number four is called a future question. And that is even more in depth. And that is, what does next level of this look like for you? And then five, you can then share your story. So most people skip straight to five and they miss, they literally miss two, three and four, which creates a lot of trust, a lot of depth. But number five is when you can then share your story. And you're probably going to be willing and able to share a lot deeper because you just got deep with them. You just created some trust and they got deep with you. Them. With the holidays and the new year coming, you probably are looking around your house thinking that you would love to upgrade and freshen up your environment. And there is no easier way to do that than with your window treatments. 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So there's also research that talks about how when you take it right back to yourself, it's really easy for that person to kind of just feel like they have not been seen. So when you ask a question but you only are setting yourself up to talk about yourself, that is a boomer ask so how was your lunch? They answer and immediately say yes, yeah, mine was. Or how was your launch lunch? How was your launch? And they answer and you immediately say yeah, mine was crazy too. Let me tell you about it. So that's almost like a setting up for yourself to be like, okay, let's skip you really quickly because I just want to get to mine. And I literally just asked this so that I could make sure I could talk about me. I don't necessarily do that part, but I will ask a question. And if I find a commonality, I'm like, immediately into a story because to me, that's what I used to feel like. Oh, God, I found the commonality. Now I can fill the space because it feels like I, you know, we hate small talk. Let's just keep this rolling. But it's not that I won't do that ever again, but it is that I will dig a little bit deeper to get more detail and make them feel more important first. I was not aware that I was doing it until I listened to this podcast. So digging a little bit deeper is going to make them, like I said, feel more seen. So we don't want to set people up with a question just to be able to quickly turn it on to you. What we have to say. So L is for levity. Levity doesn't mean that you have to be the funniest person in the room. Although I do love telling a good joke, you guys. It means releasing pressure. So lightness keeps conversation from feeling heavy, maybe feeling awkward, or maybe feeling like you have to perform. So maybe something around a small self aware comment, maybe just like laughing a little bit, saying, okay, that sounded way more serious than I meant. Let me rephrase that. Levity is going to help keep people relaxed. Just adding a little bit of joking, maybe sooner than most people would. This is my strength, probably from my trauma. People are like, you're funny. I'm like, oh, thank you so much. I have trauma. It's wonderful. But what I'm saying is if you can break any humor, if you can add humor into the moment, it is like life changing. If not. Like I said, you don't need to be funny to make this framework really, really work for you. You can add a lightness, right? You can add a lightness to it, but you don't have to be adding Jo. All right. K is for kindness. This is the emotional safety layer. Kindness tells someone you won't be judged here and you don't need to impress me. Simple phrases for this. If you're like, what the hell does that even mean? Like, I think I'm a kind person already. Simple phrases could be like, that makes total sense. I can see why you'd feel that way. That's really impressive. It's what gets people to feel that, like, initial trust. Really, really Fast. So. So just agreeing with them and if you agree with them, but making them feel validated is huge in these conversations. Like as you dig into this and read her book or listen to this podcast, that was a really, really big one, you guys. So this can make you more successful, because this is not just about being likable. This is actually about outcomes, because better conversations lead to better networking, better leadership, better sales, better fundraising, better partnerships, you guys. People invest in people that they trust, and trust is built faster through great conversations. So these are a couple things that I wanted to share. I could go in depth. Clearly, this podcast was, like, almost three hours. I could go on and on and on, but these are a few that I felt like I wanted to give you right now to be able to integrate right away for the new year, because I think these are some of the big ones that you can start doing immediately. And I would love, love, love, love to hear if you start doing this. You guys just DM me if you've had a conversation where you're like, whoa, that totally changed the game, just doing these little things. But, you guys, I'm so grateful for you. I am so excited about 2026 and just being able to have this podcast and have a place to come and talk to you all of the time and share what I'm loving, share what's working for me, get to hear from you, what's working for you. But I just want to share with you. I. I literally can't imagine if I did not have the ability to connect with you guys deeper and more long form in this way. So thank you to all of you who have rated, who have reviewed, who have shared with your friends, because that is the only way that a podcast grows. So I just want to take the time to really deeply thank every single person who has shared with their friends, shared in their groups, written a review, because let me just tell you, that's how these things get out into the world and how I can continue to show up, up four times a week and come up with different things to sit in this empty room and talk to you about. So I'm so grateful for you guys, and I hope that this year is your most abundant, most fruitful, most connected, most beautiful, most depth to your conversational year that you have ever had in your entire life. So until next week, I will see you next time. Bye, everyone. Sam.