The 6 Relationship Habits That Help You Fight Less and Love More

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Try the e-commerce platform I trust for Glossy. Start your free trial at shopify.com/happy. And Zazzle. Save 25% on your first order today at zazzle.com with code EARN. Monarch Money. Get your first year of Monarch Core for half off at monarch.com with code EYH. Northwest Registered Agent. Visit northwestregisteredagent.com/earnfree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Indeed. Indeed is giving Earn Your Happy listeners a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves. Just go to indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying that you heard about Indeed on Earn Your Happy. It'd be this perfectly normal Saturday, and somehow I would kind of notice maybe I would sabotage it or want to start a little fight or bicker longer. And I'm like, oh my God, my body is so tuned to chaos that I actually just like would start something. I could be losing an awesome day if I just choose how to get through this or let it go or realize it's not that important or really look at why am I doing this? Like, what's the whole point?

And we're back with another episode of He Said, She Said. So we're talking about arguing today.

Let's get on a fight. Let's get in a fight.

Let's— we actually have on podcasts in the past. It's rare. I mean, it's rare that we argue. It's rare that we fight. But we've actually been like gotten on arguments in podcasts. I've had people DM like, oh, you guys are spicy on that one.

Then we were like, yeah, you didn't even hear when we stopped recording.

So, or right before we recorded, how many times are we in like an argument before we hit record and we're like, and we're back.

You guys, the first year we did this podcast together, I'm pretty sure all the time we were like, fuck this. I don't want to do this stupid podcast with you anymore.

So true.

Now we're good. Like For the most part, I would say 90% of the time now we're really good. And I do believe it's because we really, really have been sticking to our rules of engagement.

Fair rules of engagement, how to fight nice. And we got into this conversation like, hey, this would be a cool one to share because we went to dinner last night with another couple that we didn't go— haven't been to dinner with before. Super cool couple. And we got on a topic. They're a little bit younger than us. So like, you know, hey, why do you think you've made it 20 years and all this stuff like We just kind of know how to fight at this point. And we're going through these different tips like, oh, these would be good for the podcast. And so hence here we are today. Let's teach them how to fight, babe.

Okay, so you're going to need to pick a fight later today and see if these work. Okay, so rules of engagement, right? One of the things that we do, this is the one that's kind of like been really tried and true for us that we use all of the time, is 1 to 10 important scale. So we learned this from Robin Kim. Yes, Robin Kim Murgatroyd. So if you are in the middle of a fight, let's say I'm going to use something super basic for this. You guys, Chris and I have moved a lot. We've had a lot of different homes. And for me, like the arrangement of the furniture, the decor, all of that stuff is very important to me. I actually like— it sounds crazy, but I feel the energy of stuff in a room. Like if it's in the wrong spot, I feel it and it will drive me crazy. It will distract me.

Like, it's feng shui.

It's crazy. So Sometimes Chris will come and be like, no, I don't like that there. I like this chair here. And I'm like, okay, so on a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this to you? Because for me, it's a 9. Like, what does this feel like for you? Because in my body, this drives me insane. I'm not gonna be able to handle it.

And let me like jump in here real quick. She's saying we'll literally pause and be like, when things are starting to get heated and outta hand, she's like, okay, listen, on a scale of 1 to 10, where does this issue fall for you? Because it's a 9 for me. And in the case of the furniture, and usually it's not like, I don't want it there. It's usually like, I want this set of chairs. These are awesome. You know what I mean? And you're like, no, those are not going to look good or they're not going to fit or whatever. And so you'll be like, it's a 9. I'm like, eh, it's like a 6 or it's like a 7. And then that's when you quickly realize why drag that thing out? It's more important to the other person.

But if you're going to do this, you absolutely have to be completely honest about where you're at. And if you're constantly a 9 or a 10, you might actually want to start talking about why you're always in that state. Like, that brings up a really interesting point about you might need to potentially start coming to their side a little bit more and knowing that not everything is of the utmost importance and deciding what actually means the most to you, or you're never going to be able to be in a great relationship because it's starting to show that you have no give, like you're not willing to meet them halfway.

Yeah. And here's another one. It's not a rule of engagement, but it's kind of like a great tip if you really care about having a great life with, a partner. And by the way, these apply for romantic partnerships or business partnerships. And it's this one: I'd rather be happy more often than I care to be right. Right? So in a world, you can't always be happy and always be right. Sometimes one has to take precedence over the other. And so choose wisely. I'd rather be happy more often than I have to be right more often.

Yes. Okay. So the next one is just exactly what you had mentioned earlier, and it's truly a pause button. If you are in a, um, a business argument with a partner and something arises and it really pissed you off, please, for the love of God, this also is every relationship, take a pause and do not take any actions or verbal actions or emails or any arguing until you let the highest height of the emotion wash through you. This usually takes you— it can be as quick as 5 minutes. I recommend a day for business things. I recommend obviously faster for if it's in your household, but give yourself minimum 5 minutes to allow that actual chemical emotion to settle in your body.

Yeah. So I call this timing. You know, you call it the pause button. I call it timing. And that's— timing is everything. And there's a time and a place for everything. And there's two sides of timing. This is important to know. Lori just mentioned the first side of timing. That is, don't address something when you are going to over-address it because you are boiling over. But the other part of timing is Know when to have a talk with the other person. Know when is a good time that they're going to be open to receiving it. Know when it's been the right amount of time to maybe have them receive it in a way that won't be such a hot button. Give other people a chance to cool down too, not just yourself. So timing is everything.

Okay, the next one that we always do, this is like when we are in a fight and we can't see the end. Maybe the shit we just said just is like not working, right? Because you're just like boiling and in the middle of one of those fights, one of us will— hopefully, it seems like this always happens— we'll say, hey, same team. Like, let's not forget that if our goal— like, once in a while we'll literally ask, we'll be like, hey, our goal is never to be apart. Like, we never want a divorce. Is this accurate? Like, is— are these true things that we never want to be apart? We always want to stay together. Then why are we extending this argument to literally be ruining a perfectly decent Saturday or Sunday. You guys, sometimes it's so crazy. If you've been someone who's been from a chaotic background or, you know, a family life where your parents always argued, I noticed in our relationship in the first, like, God, probably even 5 years, I really noticed that sometimes I would even sabotage. It'd be like, finally, you know, I'd wait all week long for Chris to be home from work and us to be able to do something, and it'd be this perfectly normal Saturday, And somehow I would kind of notice maybe I would sabotage it or want to start a little fight or bicker longer. And I'm like, oh my God, I am— my body is so tuned to chaos that I actually just like would start something. And it was the realization of that, of do we even— like, why am I doing this? And if we're on the same team, this is a perfectly amazing Wednesday or Sunday, whatever. And really think about, I could be choosing an awesome day if I just choose how to get through this or let it go or realize it's not that important, or really look at why am I doing this? Like, what's the whole point?

This one's simple. It goes back to what I said earlier. Is it more important to be right or is it more important to be happy? And when you acknowledge— we told this couple last night, here's the cool part about being married. Like, once you're in it, in it, like, you know, you know, you're not going anywhere. If you know you're not going anywhere, then you're just making your own life miserable by choosing to be right instead of choosing to be happy. So like, just squash that shit.

Okay, the next one is a great question to ask. This can actually go with the, um, scale of 1 to 10, and it's just to ask, what's making this feel so important to you? So instead of criticism, get curious. What's making this feel so important to you, and what's the outcome you're hoping for here? And when you can actually hear that, you can much better understand how it's impacting their whole life. Like, you might just think it's them being stubborn when really it's like I don't know how to tell you that when I sit down to work, I can't focus because this is how this actually feels in my body. So really getting curious about it. If you've been an entrepreneur for any amount of time, you know that one great hire can completely change the trajectory of your business, and one missing hire can feel like you're carrying the weight of 5 jobs yourself. 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And then we gotta talk about ownership statements. And this is, gosh, I forgot what I said before when we were kind of blank statement. Blank statement. Yeah. So ownership statements versus blanket statements. And here's the difference. A blanket statement is like, you always do this. I always, like using the word always is a really dangerous world or, or word, right? Ownership statements is saying things like, I feel hurt when this happens. Not saying this always happens when, but saying, hey, I feel hurt when this happens. You're not trying to quantify how many times it happens, but instead just saying, this is how it makes me feel when this happens. Instead of saying, you always do this to me.

A really easy way to look at this when you're fighting is how many times do you say you? How many times do you start a sentence with you?

Oh yeah. Instead of I.

Instead of I. All right, the last one that you can try, and this is a really good one for really trying to get in there and understand what is going on in their brain, is the 5-minute rule. This one is good, is hard, you guys, but it will change your life. When you are arguing, if it's a big topic to, to like, this is why I, you know, want to move to California, quit my job, or whatever, yeah, my job, you give each other each 5 minutes uninterrupted. And you don't sit there thinking about, oh, this is what I'm going to say to this sentence that she just said. This is what I'm going to say to this thing they just said. It's 5 minutes of opening your heart, not thinking of what you're going to say next. You have to promise you're not thinking of how you're going to rebuttal everything they're saying. You step in their shoes and you try to really understand what they're saying and listen. And then you give the next 5 minutes. Obviously, you can go back and forth and back and forth. For set amounts of time until you start to feel like there's a bit of a resolution. And you really should— this really should help if you do this enough rounds to be able to then get a sense of, of where you're at.

Yeah, they don't, they don't have to be right, but they have to be heard. And that's what this 5-minute rule really helps to provide. Sometimes people just want to be heard. They don't want to be right necessarily. They want you to know what's on their mind, and that's the, the source of the argument. Mm-hmm. This is one of the best things you can do. It's hard, but you set that timer, 5 minutes uninterrupted, and it gives the person a safe space. So now they're not coming at you with all guns blazing and okay, how can I use this 5 minutes wisely? And you're gonna find they explain things more calmly.

Mm-hmm.

Love it.

All right. We're so grateful for you guys. Thank you for always tuning in. We have gotten to just like talk to so many of you either in person or DMs or at our events, and it's so much fun to know exactly who we're talking to. So I hope that this really helps you guys.

All right guys, thanks a lot.

We will see you next week. Bye everyone.