The Secret Calculation People Make About You

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We all have a social survival score, whether you want to know it or not. Now, to some of you, that might sound a little Hunger Games-y. To others of you, you're gonna realize that this shit is real. And when you know the game and you know how to play it, you're gonna start getting everything that you want. Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. It's time for another quickie because there's always time to fit in inspiration. I feel like I'm coming back to life. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you may have been hearing me share that I've been in a tough season. And while I am still navigating the tough season, I do feel like something is shifting in me from all of the challenge. And I think that you go through so many challenging things all at once that you actually just feel like you're in complete breakdown mode and like you can't get kicked again. Like, I actually have explained to my friends that I literally feel like a kicked dog, like that just keeps getting kicked. Like where you all of a sudden just start staying down because you feel like life has had its way with you for a hot second. And for somebody that is a high achiever and who doesn't ever fucking let anything stop her, this is a very very new feeling for me. It's not that I have not had hard seasons, but I haven't had them where I haven't been able to eventually kick through that wall myself. And so when I keep running up against challenging things, you can't help but ask a lot of different questions to yourself, and you can't help but feel different ways, and you can't help but realize that your old coping mechanisms are not working the same that they were before. So I've had to make a lot of changes. I've had to think very differently. I've had to give myself some space. I've had to figure out what full surrender for myself actually looks like. And I believe that I'm starting to figure out this dance and also what I need in this season and what this season has been trying to teach me. Because I do believe that the most challenging periods in your life are the times when you learn the most, when you get this like very, very deep wisdom that pain is trying to tell you. And I can't tell you that I've learned a lot from winning, but I have learned the utmost, the most, from losing, from challenges, from pain, and from sadness. And so I do know that as low as you can go, you get to go equally as high. And so if you are not willing to face your fear, if you're not willing to go to the place that you are most afraid of, whether that's losing people, losing everything, losing a relationship, whatever that is, you can't get the equal pendulum swing back in your life. So I will tell you that there is some deep, good shit coming out of this that is like— I'm not even saying the words, they're just literally coming to my brain because I definitely am here to tell you that you don't need to fear these extremely dark periods of your life. And as horrible as they are when you're in them, as much as you feel like sometimes they're not going away— guys, I've been in this for years, like years. I don't know, 3, 4, but I've just had some darker periods than others. And it's not that I haven't had joy throughout those But I'll tell you, the extent of joy and sadness that we're willing to feel in a day is the extent of how happy you'll be in your life. Because you might have a period of time where things are really tough for a while, and if you don't create joy a little bit every day, whether it's a walk or still going out to dinner or still making time to see your friends, then you're only going to focus on the negative. So I have quite a few things that I'm starting to feel that I am excited about. I am very excited that I started a Substack. Like, so fucking excited. Like, who knew that I would take up writing in the middle of all this? Well, I guess of course this makes perfect sense because I now feel like I have so much to say and so much to share that a 30-second fucking reel on Instagram does not give me enough context for. And recently I've just felt like, oh my God, how do I share all the things that I'm thinking and the lessons and the thought process of what I'm going through and how I want people to, or how I wanna help people through whatever challenges they're going through. Like, how am I gonna share that on social media or in a carousel or a reel? And sometimes even this podcast, while it's fricking amazing, I am such a writer. I love to write my thoughts out and then talk about them. I'm like, oh shit, that's what it is. Oh, I just created a framework for this. Like, now I can really talk about it. So for me, writing on Substack, I only have 2 posts, so I sound like I'm this great writer. No, I've only done it twice, but they've been really, really thoughtful things. And so I wanna share the second one with you that I recently did. And also real quick before I really get rolling here, I have an event coming up June 13th in Newport Beach. You guys, it is with Natalie Ellis of Boss Babe, my co-founder in Glossier. She is launching her very first business. Her business, her very first book, Freedom Based Business. And I am celebrating 10 years of Earn Your Happy. If I have ever served you, you better get your ass there. Just kidding. I just want to make you feel guilty and see if that kind of marketing works, but probably doesn't. So we'll go with this. I would love to celebrate with you 10 years of the Earn Your Happy podcast and the launch of Nellie Ellis's first book. It's going to be a really fucking fun time. I have amazing people coming on the panel, you guys. Lindsay Zastro of Powerhouse Women— are you kidding me? One of my besties. Jen Gottlieb, one of my besties. Koya Webb, who also just launched a book. And the 5 of us— me, Natalie, and all the ladies I just named— are gonna have the best conversation just about what it really looks like, what it takes, networking, growing your business. Celebrating your life, connecting you guys in the audience. Like, you're not going to leave without meeting a bunch of people in the room. So whether that makes you nervous or not— or not, actually, I hope it does, because everything good starts with nerves. I'm not even kidding. Everything good starts with a little bit of fear, a little bit of 'I don't want to do that,' because otherwise you're just fucking watching Netflix, you know what I mean? Like, that's not scary. I'm not like, 'Oh, I'm so scared to turn this on and totally veg out and eat food.' Like, nothing. Good comes out of that. You need to go get in a room with people who have something to offer you, and that should make you a little bit nervous. And I think that's great. And if you're not, that means you're an extrovert and we love you and we need you and you need to be there too. So I just wrote about your survival score, and this came from hearing a podcast where Donald Miller was talking about your business should be a survival asset. And people should immediately know from the 5 seconds that they land on your business if your business is going to help them make more money, thrive, survive, whatever that is. And if you're not, if you don't score a high enough survival asset, then they're going to bypass you. And so I started to think about this in terms of this realization of what I'm calling a social survival score. And I was like, Oh my God, we all have a social survival score, whether you want to know it or not. Now, to some of you, that might sound a little Hunger Games-y. To others of you, you're gonna realize that this shit is real. And when you know the game and you know how to play it, you're going to start getting everything that you want. So this is going to tell you why you can't break into certain friend circles, why people follow certain people, why people pay certain people, and why the most successful people keep hanging out together, and it feels like they're in a clique that you are not allowed into. You ever been there? I have multiple times, and that shit ain't fun. But it's also so great to have this understanding because it actually makes me just feel really, really good about it, knowing like, okay, that's why, or okay, I have some power to change that if I want to. Or you know what, maybe I don't want to hang around those people if this is what they're doing. Like, you get the power back when you know what I'm about to share with you. Now, if you wanna go super in depth, I would really, really love if you would go subscribe to my Substack. Some of it is free, some of it is paid. Guys, it's $8 a month. So that is literally just me showing up on there, 'cause these take me hours to write, showing up on there as much as possible every single week. But when I tell you that I am putting so much time into this, These are things that are like internally, like these lessons that I know can shift your life. So I'm not putting fluff up there. These are like deep, deep lessons that I'm like, this is going to absolutely change your life. So I'd love if you'd go subscribe, free or paid, that would rock my world. My goal is to make money from Substack and then be able to teach you exactly how to do it. So, um, that's that. Let's get back into it, guys, because if you grasp this concept, you're about to get every single thing that you want and might actually be a little bit mad at first, but if you keep on listening, I'm telling you, this is really, really going to turn the tides for you because you're going to understand also how to raise it. So you guys, Donald Miller built his entire StoryBrand framework around the idea of your business being a survival asset. Like the people who come across your business need to be able to run a cost benefit calculation immediately. Like they need to know exactly what you do without expending a bunch of mental energy, is what he always talks about. So if they can know that without having to expend a bunch of mental energy and put the pieces together and trying to figure out your language and the things that you're saying, like, then they're going to stay. If they have to think a lot or figure it out, or they just miss it, they're not coming back and they are not spending time. But this isn't just about marketing at all, you guys. I realize this is so incredibly social and it's operating in every single marriage. It's operating in every single friendship, every single circle. It's operating at work and you can't stop it because your brain is literally running a survival score on every single person that you meet and their brain is running one on you. And this isn't conscious. This isn't to be a total dick. It's a literal survival instinct, you guys. And this is going to make a lot of people feel like this is unfair, but it's not at all. It actually goes way back in history, you guys, because we are tribal as hell, and being a part of the right group literally was the difference between life and death. And I want you to start thinking about how even as women, we're attracted to the man who looks like he can protect. We're attracted to the man who has the skill set to be able to take care of us, to feed us, to nurture family. Like, Back in the day, historically, we wanted the man who would run toward the lion and club it over the head rather than run away crying and leaving us in the dust. So the thing is, we no longer live in those tribes, right? We're no longer operating in that way. But the things that we ask ourselves instead, even unconsciously, is, can they protect us? Can they solve problems? Can they take care of the kids? Can they make money? Are they good people? Will they keep us in social circles that are important, right? Can they navigate our bills? Can they navigate this crazy life? Can they navigate stress with me? And the score is really unconscious, but you guys, it is real and it runs on everything. So I want to tell you why those super successful inner circles keep feeling out of reach is because the entrepreneur who has a great network, and the entrepreneur with a deep technical skill immediately recognizes what other people can do for them. It's not in a transactional, using you type of way at all. It's genuinely useful because a relationship with that person and another person like them raises their odds of survival, raises their odds of making more money. It makes them more capable, it makes them more resilient, it makes them able, like I said, to increase their income. And their friendships have survival logic baked into them because either— if neither person ever says that out loud, even if they describe it as just vibing or loving their energy, I personally call this an equal energy exchange. Both people feel filled up. Both brains are equally as stimulated. Both feel like they're getting what they need in that season. And you guys have to remember that when people don't feel mentally stimulated around you, or like they're getting something that they need, whether that is even just a listening ear or someone who can help them or who can connect them, whatever it is that they need, they're probably not going to be super interested. And before you think it's all really cold and it's a strategy, it's not, because some of the most powerful survival scores are the ones that have nothing to do with money or business at all. So think about the person that you've met where you could just immediately be your favorite version of you around them. Like, you don't have to go and be anything. You can be the weirdest, most fucked up version of yourself, and that version that you're absolutely obsessed with, that version where you feel safe enough to make the lamest finish jokes and you're not gonna get made fun of. You are not going to get judged. And then I also want you to think about the friend who makes you get to know parts of yourself better, who maybe it's your adventurous friend and you're not very adventurous and they make you go surfing. Maybe it's that friend that gets you to really talk deeply about your feelings and what you really want out of life. And that's really, really valuable to you. Maybe it's that friend that says, fuck that girl, let's go drink some wine. Like, let's get them outta your head and helps you remember who the fuck you are. Like, These people are scoring super high in your life and in your nervous system, whether you realize it or not, because they are doing something really important for you. But here's what you need to know is that this is always going on. And one of the things that's most important is to learn how this survival scoring system actually works, which you guys can go to my Substack and take the quiz. It's freaking awesome because you have to realize that your friendships and relationships are gonna continue to change. And what you need to survive in each season changes, right? Like right now everybody needs to learn about AI. So guess who the most needed popular people are right now? Like I know some women who are teaching AI right now that literally they are like the, the friend circles are going bananas, right? They're just invited to everything. They're teaching on everything. Their value is so high because number one, they're awesome people anyway. But now they have a skillset that everybody needs. So it's like, holy shit, all of a sudden their social calendar is full, their teaching calendar is full, their business calendar is full. Because in this season, that is what a lot of— that's what all of us need. Let's just be real. That's what all of us need. When the season shifts, sometimes people need to learn how to build funnels. Sometimes people are gonna need to learn how to build shelter again. There's going to be a shift and it's going to change different people's social survival score in different times in history. Right? And then other times in your life, you're like, you know what, I need someone to help me become like the hottest, fittest version of myself. Maybe I just haven't had a baby. Maybe this is the summer where I'm so sick of feeling sick, of not feeling great, that I am going to look for somebody who can help me optimize my health. I'm going to look for somebody who can help me with peptides. Now that person becomes a very high survival score. Like right now, everybody wants peptides, which by the way, I can help you with, but Everybody wants it. So all of a sudden that person has a high social survival score because they're like, I need you in this season right now.

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So when two people meet, uh, someone whose survival value they can't immediately see, or who comes across as someone they need to pour energy into rather than someone who raises the game, they unconsciously calculate that that person is not worth their time. Now, it's not malicious. It's just that deep down there's an energy that feels like, oh, this is going to be one-sided. I'm going to leave feeling a little more depleted. And again, it's not like you look at someone and go, oh God, they're a terrible person, right? Because I've had people look at me and I'm going to score low for them because I just don't have what they need right now. I don't have the highest value for them, so they're not going to waste their time on me. Now, does this mean that I'm pissed off that they're not going to go deeper and be like, but I could be this other friend for you. I could be a great listener. I could be this, I could be that. And you just looked me over. Like you just bypassed me. You guys, a lot of us have enough friends and it's hard enough to spend time with our families, your kids, your partners, your best friends aren't even getting enough time. So we have to all stop being so butthurt and just realize where can we add more value? Who are the people that we want to add more value to? Who do we want to score higher with this on? And how How can this help our business? So the 3 places survival scores really show up in your life is who you follow, right? Number 1, who you follow. You follow people who make you feel smarter, safer, or have a skill set that you need. So I really want you to think about that when you're thinking about who you are online. The next one is who you befriend. Friendships at the highest level are almost never random, you guys. Successful people don't befriend other successful people out of status chasing. They truly do it because those relationships generally help them navigate this crazy life and business journey that they're on. If you've never been to their level, you can't help them with the problems that come into their families, their lives, and their business. So your social score is probably going to be a lot lower because you're just not going to get them. You're just not going to get them. Like, when you get this, you won't feel so hurt around who's not wanting to hang out with you and who is, right? They think differently than you. They come at problems differently. So you're just not there yet, which, by the way, the quiz just kind of tells you where you need to focus and like, hey, this is why you're just not there yet. Let's look at what you can focus on. So the third one is who you pay. Purchases are almost never purely rational, you guys. People join our mastermind or listen to this podcast because somewhere in their brain I've scored a survival score that's high for them right now. So whether they're growing a personal brand, whether they're making it through tough stuff, whether they are needing advice in business, whether they wanna make more money, like that survival score goes up because to them I've become an asset. And to other people, my score has gone down because they need different things. Maybe they strictly are selling their business right now and they need somebody who's gone through that. They need information on that. Maybe they're going through a divorce. I've never done that. I'm not gonna be able to help somebody navigate that in the way that somebody who's gone through that has. So this works in both directions, you guys, and I've literally learned this the hard way because I wanna give you a real example of how this works. So a while back we launched an event called the Dinner Series, and the whole premise was bringing entrepreneurs together for a high-level networking day in an over-the-top super luxurious, amazing dinner. You get all dressed up, the people there are insane, and it was an amazing party in an intimate setting. We also talked about business, like I said, a business mastermind during the day. And Chris and I knew the value of being in that room, right? We understand the power of proximity and to pay for proximity with the right people because we'd lived it. We'd built businesses from this exact thing. But what we didn't expect was when we were selling it, people were just thinking that we were saying this was a dinner. Like, oh, a dinner with people and networking. And because we didn't have something very specific around it, like a specific outcome— we weren't saying you'll leave this room with 3 connections who can deeply grow your business, or you'll leave with this many investors in your business— we were essentially saying, come network with these incredible people, something magical is going to happen. But they didn't put a high enough value on that. They didn't put a high enough survival score on that for their business to make money because it was not clear enough, right? They had to think about it. They had to understand what it was. It said dinner in the title. You're not putting a survival score on an expensive dinner. So you really have to think of this in all ways, whether it's with people, whether it's what you're saying about your business, whether it's with, you know, how you are putting out your business out there in the messaging. So it is so powerful to go and take this quiz because I specifically ask you about who are the 3 people who could really change your life and business, right? Like, what are the things or who are the people that you need to know? Can they get you something that could change your entire life? And are you somebody who adds value to their life? What is your score with those people and those things that you want your score to be high. And so, like I said, this is a very powerful tool to be able to improve on. And my score is low in some areas, and I'm working to make it a lot higher. And I think the other awesome part is that your score is going to be really high in some areas for certain people. And the goal is to figure out how you can be more valuable to the most important people in your life. Your loved ones, your partner, your business partners, and who you want to connect and collaborate with in the future. And so if you want to know the keys to raising your score, and if you want to take the quiz, you guys go check out my Substack. It's just Lori Harder on there. And I'm so grateful for all of you. And until next time, everyone, earn your happy. Bye-bye.