What It Takes To Be A High Performer In Any Area Of Life With Motivational Speaker, Alan Stein Jr.

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Stress is not caused by external events or circumstances. Stress is not caused by what people say or what people do. Stress is caused by our resistance to those things. When exist reality or we try to push against what is, that's what causes our stress.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. If you didn't know, this podcast is now a part of Growth Day. And if you haven't gone to the Growth Day app yet, what are you waiting for? Seriously, if you love to journal or want to start journaling, this is the place to go. You guys definitely go and check it out. It is in the show notes. You can click that link below and go and start your personal development journey and actually stick to it.

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To blow your mind. So go and check it out. And today on the podcast, I have an amazing guest. I actually first heard this person on Ed Mylett's show and I stopped in my tracks to message him. I literally DMed him like during myself listening to this podcast because I had to have him on the show because I know that so many of you are going after goals, starting businesses, scaling your businesses, wanting to pivot, whatever that looks like. And he talks all about sustaining your game. He first chatted about raising your game and wrote books about that. And now he is talking about sustaining your game. And not just that, but actually enjoying the process. So today I have on Alan Stein Jr. He's an experienced keynote speaker and author. At his core, he's a performance coach.

With a passion for helping others change behaviors.

He spent 15 plus years working with the highest performing basketball players on the planet. You guys, including NBA stars Kevin Durant, Steph Curry and Kobe Bryant. I mean, I'm pretty sure I would love to learn from this person. And we get to today, through his customized programs, he transfers his unique expertise to maximize both individual and organizational performance. A dynamic storyteller, he's an incredible proven teacher, you guys. Previous clients include American Express, Pepsi, Starbucks, Charles Schwab, Penn State. I mean, we're in good hands. So let's start the show.

Ellen, I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Oh, my pleasure. I'm equally excited.

You are one of those people that this is funny. Like, some of my favorite podcasts and meeting people has actually come by way of doing this exact thing. I was on a walk or a run, I don't remember, and I was listening to your podcast with Ed Mylett, and I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm literally going to reach out, like, right now. And I told my podcast manager, I'm like, we have to get him on the show. And then I probably reached out to you too, or uploaded something because it's typically a two for one like that, where I'm like, okay, I have to tell this human because it was so good, you guys. You have to. Number one, well, listen to this podcast. Listen to his other podcast with Ed, and then you have to go get his book as well. Sustain your game. And you also have another book, Raise youe Game. I think my first question to you, Alan, is, you know, as I was just reading your book and listening to you, is there a place where this interest of being the best that you can be, being at the top of your game, sustaining it, where did that interest come from? Is that from a place of, like, a painful place as a child? Is that from something that you were kind of running from or you didn't want to deal with, or you didn't want to sit in that pain anymore, so you really wanted to acquire that discipline and learn how to do it? What was that for you?

It's most likely a combination of everything that you just mentioned. I know for me, I've been inextricably tied to sport and athletics my entire life. Basketball was my first love, and I fell in love with the game at five years old. And I'm so thankful that here, four decades later, basketball is still a major pillar of my life. So having grown up around the sport and as a dedicated athlete and then as a dedicated performance coach, I've always been tinkering with how do you climb that proverbial mountain? And how do you become the best in class at whatever you're trying to excel in? Over the last couple of years, I started to realize there were some slight nuanced differences between climbing that proverbial mountain and. And then staying there, sustaining it, but most importantly, having a level of fulfillment while you're doing so. And that's really the stage I'm in in my life now is making sure that I'm getting immense joy and fulfillment with everything that I choose to do.

Oh my God. There are so many layers to this and so many topics that we could go down. Because what you just reminded me of is the things that work for us in the beginning to achieve something aren't necessarily the things that are gonna work to sustain it. I definitely went through that phase where like I could use a lot of the pain that I was, you know, recently in, or a lot of like the mean coach type of voice to, and I was even attracted to a little bit more disciplinarian style coaches in the beginning. And so I'm wondering, what have you found when you've coached people or even in your own experience with that? Can you tell me a little bit about, you know, the beginning of what drives them compared to what ends up driving them or keeps them going later?

Well, I know from firsthand experience I think we're very similar in that regard. And I used to try and utilize just raw work ethic, determination, willpower to kind of, you know, grit my teeth and persevere towards anything that I was aiming at. Where now I take a softer approach. And most of that softer approach comes in how I talk to myself. I'm much more forgiving and compassionate to myself now than I ever was in the past. Like a lot of high performers and highly driven people, I could be very self critical of myself almost to the point of self loathing when I wasn't reaching certain goals or having certain levels of achievement. And it just always left me feeling empty and feeling hollow and never feeling like I was good enough. And I've learned that when you attach your self worth and your self belief and your confidence and your joy, if that's tethered to external results and outcomes, you'll never be happy, or at least not sustainably happy because you're always chasing that next thing. And I'm not trying to look through the lens of judgment. I mean, everyone is free to use whatever construct works best for them. But I just didn't like being on this roller coaster of when I achieved a goal, I felt good about myself. When I fell short of a goal, I felt bad about myself because, you know, for the most part it was a coin flip. You know, I try and set goals lofty enough, I certainly don't hit all of them. You know, maybe I hit them half the time. And I just feel like life is too short to feel lousy half of the time. So I've, I've really tried to change that construct and focus much more on the process. Focus much more on making sure that I'm giving the best effort I'm capable of and having a great attitude about it. Making sure that I'm not letting the outer world, you know, circumstances and events and what people say and what people do, I'm not letting that dictate my inner world and my perspective and mindset. And it's been my experience, and this was the reason that I wrote the second book, that the three things that undermine our ability to sustain high performance, productivity, and fulfillment are stress, stagnation, and burnout. And those are three things that I've wrestled with my entire life. And not to say that I've mastered them by any means, because I haven't anything that I share on stage or on page, I'm not coming from a place of mastery. I'm still working on all of this stuff. But I have made progress and I have made improvement, and I'm very pleased with the path that I'm on. So I do handle stress, stagnation, and burnout better today than at any other time in my life. And I like the direction I'm going.

Oh, I love that. I definitely have hit that same exact place where you have this realization that it truly is not a fun place when you start to realize, like, oh, my gosh, the achievements aren't giving me what I hoped they had given me. It's almost a really hopeless place, which I'm sure you've talked about with your athletes and also what you've experienced when you're like, if I'm not happy achieving this thing, once you start achieving, it's like, when are you happy? When I started doing fitness competitions, there was, like, no in between. It was either I was all off and miserable because I felt so undisciplined and like, I didn't know what. Just I didn't have a plan or I was all on with no, no wiggle room. There was no fun. It was just 100% discipline, and there was no in between. So I was living for this moment of hoping to win. And what is that? Five minutes, maybe. You're not even present when it. You're not even mentally present when it happens. So I was like, oh, my God. I realized I am never happy anywhere in my life. That was an interesting place to wake up at.

Yeah. And it's one that I think we share with many hard driving, ambitious folks. There was a quote I heard a couple years ago, and I don't know who said it originally or I give them proper attribution. But it was something to the effect of if you focus on chasing and accumulating, you'll never have enough. If you focus on giving and serving, you'll never run out. And when I heard that, it just, it hit me like a ton of bricks, like my math was wrong. I was so focused on thinking that what would fill my cup would be accumulating and achieving, when in fact it's giving and serving. And this doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with being driven or going after lofty goals or having a sense of pride when you achieve something. I mean, that is still part of my makeup. I just don't allow it to be the North Star. And it's not what dictates my happiness. At present. I'm still trying to evolve and work towards self actualization. I still have lofty goals in my speaking business, in my writing, but my self worth and my self confidence is no longer tethered to those things. Those things now become a byproduct of loving the work. And it's been my experience as well that when you love the work, you've already won. I've never done a fitness competition, but I in my mind, if you love the discipline of eating clean and you love going to the gym and getting the workouts, and you love seeing your body change over time as you're putting in the work, then it really doesn't matter whether or not they put the gold medal around your neck. You've already won in advance because you've loved what you've been doing. And to me that's the big separator. If your love or happiness hinges on an external metric or result that someone else gives you, it's just insatiable, unfortunately.

Okay, so how do we fall in love? Do we need to hit a rock bottom? Can we not have to hit a rock bottom and like learn different steps and processes to actually fall in love with the process? And I think this is such a great conversation for people. I'm finding like anything that you teach and anything within this realm can be applied to being an entrepreneur. You can kind of apply it to whatever you're doing. So how do we fall in love with the process of what it is we're trying to achieve?

Well, I'm so glad you went in that direction. And yes, these principles have such high utility. That's one of my favorite parts about the work I do is this applies to young and it applies to old. It applies to folks in sport, it applies to folks in business. You Know, it's the same recipe. Whether you're trying to improve your body for a fitness competition, or you're trying to get better at playing the piano, or you want to be the best lawyer or parent that you can be, all of these principles apply. And you know, it's. It would be my preference certainly that someone does not need to hit rock bottom to have kind of the proverbial wake up call to make some of these changes. But I also know for some people that's kind of a prerequisite. You know, when I look back on myself in my teens, twenties, and even in my thirties, I was incredibly hard headed. I thought I knew so much more than now. I realize not only that I didn't know then, but how much more I still have to know now. So there were lots of times that I would not learn a lesson unless it came from the school of hard knocks. And now that I'm older, I'm trying not, you know, for that not to be the case. I'm trying to learn by being proactive, by being introspective, by surrounding myself with good people and consuming good content like the stuff that you and Chris put out. So I'm trying to get to the point that I don't have to learn that way. But I know for some folks that's most likely going to be what gets them to change. You know, as you mentioned kind of early in the conversation, when we feel a certain level of pain or discomfort, you know, you touch that hot stove, it's usually a signal that you have to make a change. So for me, my North Star is just based solely around fulfillment and being of service. And as long as I'm doing those things that make me feel fulfilled and that I feel like I'm adding value and contributing to the world around me, then I'm in my sweet spot. And that's what allows me to love the work. Because I see that those things are simply the byproduct of that.

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So do you create something new outside of let's say you're trying to achieve your speaking goal, right? Like maybe you have a monetary number attached to that, maybe it's a number of events. Do you attach like the service and giving back to that thing or do you do something separate outside of that? What would you recommend to people who are like Man, I'm just not loving this process of achieving this thing that they thought was going to be great.

We can use me as an example because I'll be fully transparent. So I'm entering my six year as a professional corporate keynote speaker after spending almost 20 years in the basketball space as a performance coach. And my goal, short term goal, which I plan to achieve by 2024, is to be in the Million Dollar Speakers club, is to earn $1 million in revenue solely from speaking. And at present, as this year comes to a close, I'm about halfway there. I'll have done about 500 grand in speaking this year and I'm pleased with that. I'm proud of that. I mean, it was a good year, but I've got my sights set on that million dollar club and for me it has nothing to do with the money, has nothing to. I live a good life. I live well below my means. I have a low cost of living. Like I have a great life. To me, it has to do with mastery of craft. It has been my experience that outside of someone that's famous that gets hired to speak simply because, you know they're a famous athlete or a famous celebrity, if you're getting hired to speak at a pretty substantial fee based on your content and your ability to deliver that content, then in order to be in the Million Dollar Speakers club, you most likely have to have a certain level of mastery. You've got to be pretty good. And I care a lot about this craft because it's one that I do believe is in full service of every audience that I'm in front of. So for me, that number or that goal, it's not about the money. It's about having a certain level of mastery towards the craft. And that's actually what gives me fulfillment. In addition to, as far as the process is concerned, in addition to serving, I just love getting better. I love the speaking craft. I love filming my talks and then going back and watching them and figuring out ways that, that I can uplevel my content or up level my delivery. Like, I very much approach the speaking craft the way I approach the game of basketball. And I'm constantly tinkering and trying to get better. I also love the part of the game that it's, as you know so well, it's a relationship game. You know, it's not just being good on stage and having good content, but it's also having folks aware of who you are and your message. It's about building relationships with the type of people that hold Events with speaker bureaus, with different meeting planners. And I'm a relationship guy at heart, so I love the challenge of forging and nurturing all of these different relationships. So for me, it's a North Star. But once I've set that North Star and I set that earlier this year, I don't wake up every morning thinking about the Million Dollar Speakers Club. I wake up every morning saying, what can I do today that will inch me closer in that direction? What's a relationship that I can forge today? What's some content that I can put out on social media that folks will find valuable that will help attract them into my ecosystem where maybe they'd look to hire me to speak? How can I develop new content or rehearse? You know, I mean, I'm. As we said before we hit record, I'm in Rhode island at the time of this recording. I'm leading a workshop tomorrow with a group of executives from a financial institution. And when we're done this call, I look forward to rehearsing what I'm going to do with them tomorrow and kind of walking through those steps. So I love everything about the game. And I think because I love the game and I love putting in the work during the unseen hours, the Million Dollar Speaker Club will just be a natural byproduct of that. I'm. There's not an ounce of me that has a single doubt that I'll achieve that. To me, what's more important is when is it gonna happen? Not if it's gonna happen, but it goes back to just falling in love with that process. And thankfully, that's where I am right now.

Oh, that's so good. And I love that you said when. And I'm sure you already, you, you had said you set a goal date of when you wanna do that. Is that 2024. Right. So if anybody listening like he already had, he has these plans in motion and he sets the deadlines. And you know what I. What I loved about what you just said, you reminded me of so many times in my life, had to. And I know this is going into stagnation, which I don't want to skip over stress, but we're going to skip for one second.

Sure.

But talking about, oh my God, stagnation is so real. And I think a lot of times we quit. Well, majority of the time we quit before we become masters of it. We quit before the thing that we were working on has given us, like the biggest blessings or lessons. And I think that those moments of boredom stagnation have the biggest opportunities because it's like, okay, how can you go back and reflect and extract what this is actually doing for you and how can you apply it to what you're doing next? I've had so many moments where like I wanted to move on from something when I owned a gym and I was like, I cannot, I don't think I can train one more person one more day. Like I hit that day where I was like, no, I literally don't think I can go in. My body physically was not wanting to go show up. And I had sit and really think about what I could learn from those people, what I could learn from doing this extremely challenging thing that I did not want to show up for. I had to, I had to go and talk to myself and say, I'm so proud of you for like continuing to show up the way that you do and you're going to work just as hard for this person as you do for this future business that you want. It was like this whole process that I went through. So I'd love to hear the process of like stagnation. What people do, what you do, what some of your athletes have done, maybe some stories around that.

Sure. The hardest thing that I feel about stagnation is it's very subtle and it's often undercover. Like when we look at the opposite ends of stagnation, we look at stress in the day to day and we feel that like there is a visceral feeling when we're stressed. Burnout. Often when we're approaching burnout, it'll hit you over the head with a two by four. But stagnation is tricky because it's kind of this unconscious cruise control that, that we as human beings can flip that switch and just say, you know what? Things are good enough. You know, hey, my, my, my relationship or my marriage is good enough. My business is good enough, my body looks good enough. And not to say that we all need to be spending every second trying to up level and raise every area of our life. Like, there's nothing wrong with having a level of contentment. I always like to make the discernment between contentment and complacency. I'm very content in my life. You know, I'm thankful that I have my health. I have three children that I love more than anything. I have an amazing business that I'm all in with. I'm in a great relationship right now. Like life is good. I'm very content in my life, but not a single part of me is complacent. Not a single part of me wants this to be the peak of the mountain. Don't put me under museum glass anytime soon. I want to keep improving. So there's a difference between those two. And stagnation, I think is when we cross over from being content to starting to be complacent. And the few times that I can recognize looking backwards, that I was really stagnant, I didn't notice it myself. It took people that in my inner circle that cared enough about me to tell me that I had the cruise control on and that I was just treading water and just going through the motions. And I think insulating ourselves with people that care enough to see our blind spots and tell us these things that we might not want to hear, but we absolutely need to hear is important. And awareness is always the first step to improvement because we'll never improve something we're oblivious to and we'll never fix something we're unaware of. So if you're not aware of the fact that you're stagnating, you will continue to stagnate. And usually when people talk about stagnation, they're talking about stagnating in their outputs. They've stagnated in their achievement, in their performance, in their productivity. So what we need to do to improve our output is we need to shake up our inputs. And our inputs are what we read, watch and listen to, you know, what we consume, content wise. Our inputs have to do with who we choose to surround ourselves with. And if you're kind of reading, watching and listening to the same old thing and you're hanging around the same old people, and if that content and those people aren't driven to improve, then you'll most likely start to stagnate as well. You know, it's that old adage that's been around a lot longer than you and I have been around that, you know, we're the average of the five people that you know, we spend the most time with. Well now in this digital age, it has to do with content as well. You know, if you're spending most of the time consuming content and it's gossipy or it's negative news based or it's any of those things, it can start to drag you down. Whereas if you are listening to the earn your happy show or the Ed Mylett show, you know, you're going to be have this constant infusion of something that will help inspire and move you forward. So when I find myself starting to stagnate and people in my life Tell me that I'm stagnating. The first thing I do is I jumpstart the content that I'm consuming and the people that I'm hanging around. And that usually will cause the spark and you'll start to see an improvement.

Oh, my God, that's so good. What was it? The input? I need to write it down.

Well, your inputs directly determine your outputs.

Okay.

Yeah.

Going back to your fitness example, I mean, the food that you put in your body will directly determine what you look like when it's time for a fitness competition. And that's why you had to have such discipline and discernment in the food that you would take in. You know, if you eat junk food, you most likely won't look the way that you were trying to look. And it's no different with our minds. If we consume junk in between our ears, then our perspective is going to get blurry. You know, the mindset and attitude that we have is going to be undermined. So we really have to, I like to say, guard your yard or around yourself and don't let anything permeate that that's not moving you in the direction of the person that you're trying to become.

Oh, man, I love that so much sometimes, I mean, for some people listening and I even remember when my environment, because I believe your environment is, you know, everything that you just said, what you're consuming, who you're around, even like, what does your environment look like? It's like we have these dreams and these goals, but sometimes our environment is. We have to ultimately be changing that at the exact same time. What would you say to people who are maybe becoming entrepreneurs or they're kind of. They're feeling stagnant at a certain level right now and they might need a change up of their friend group and who they're around. What are the first things that you did when you wanted to go to the next level?

And did you worry about what your.

Friends or family were going to think of you?

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And thankfully that concern and that worry has slowly gone down over the over the years. I mean I would, I would never sit here and tell you that I don't care what people think because care what people think, especially if they're important people in my lives. But I don't let them drive the car and I don't let them dictate the decisions I'm making. And you know, my number one goal for myself is to continue to evolve and work towards self actualization. I also believe that's the best gift I can give my children is me becoming the best version of myself and modeling that for my children and then empowering and inspiring and encouraging them to do the same. So it's on one hand there is a selfish component and I don't always think selfish is bad. But there's also the selfless component that I believe on my path to becoming the best version of myself, I can take others with me and I can inspire others to come with me, whether that's my own children or anybody else that I come in contact with. And it doesn't have to be as dramatic as like you're firing one of your friends. You know, you don't have to hand them a pink slip and say, sorry, we're no longer friends. But you can slowly start to make choices where you're just not spending as much time with them. And I know that if it's been a friend for a long time or if it's actually a blood relative or a family member, that is not easy to do. But one thing I'VE realized over the course of the last 46 years, there's a lot of things that aren't easy to do, but they're part of the required work. They're part of what we need to do. And it just comes down to prioritizing what is more important to me. Working towards becoming my best self or making sure a friend that I had from high school is happy with me. And I say that with a small smile because I'm sure a little bit of sarcasm came through. But obviously me working towards being my best self is more important and it's more of a priority. So that's the step I need to take. And this doesn't mean that you need to be cold or callous or disrespectful to anyone. But you can guard your yard and just don't invest time with the people that aren't moving in that direction. And I've also believed that. But people will always come in and out of our lives at different times, they say, for different seasons and different reasons. And there's some truth to that. Not every friend you have are you going to sign to a lifetime contract. I had some friends in high school that when I was in high school, they served that purpose. We were great friends in high school. And then we both grew in different directions and we've moved on and that's okay. And then there's another set of friends. I had some friends in college and then I had friends as a young adult. They're different than some of the friends that I have now, and that part's okay as well. So it's caring enough about yourself to prioritize what's best for you when you're trying to work to the person you're trying to become. Just like we all need to prioritize our own self care, you know, one of the best things we can do to be of service to our significant other or spouse, to be of service to our children, to be of service to our clients and colleagues and coworkers, is to make sure our bucket's full, you know, is to make sure that we're getting adequate sleep, eating healthy foods, working out, reading. Because if we become the best version of ourselves, that will radiate in every single thing that we do. So that's another example of where being selfish is not always a bad thing because it leads to you being selfless. And, you know, I think that protection of who we choose to spend our time with is an important one. I learned this was several years ago. I think this was 2017, I got to spend some time with a gentleman named Frank Shamrock, who was one of the first UFC fighters and one of the just badass, toughest dudes I've ever met in my life. This. This guy could kill me with his. His pinky finger in three seconds. And yet he's one of the nicest men I've ever met in my life. And he shared something with me that. That really changed my perspective, and I think is. Is really apropos to what we're talking about. He said, you need to have three different people in your life at all times. You need to have somebody that's in front of you that is blazing the path that you're trying to go down, someone that can serve as kind of a mentor, someone that can model the things that you need to do to get where you're going. So somebody in front of you, you also need to have somebody that's beside you appear, somebody that's trying to walk the same path that you're walking, that you can. You can brainstorm with, strategize with, commiserate with when things are struggling, but somebody that's walking hand in hand with you, and then you also need to have somebody that's behind you. And he doesn't say that in diminishing way, but he says, who were you five or 10 years ago? And find that person that you can send the elevator back down for and that you can mentor and inspire, you know, so you are. That person may be behind you, but they're. You're the person that's in front that they're trying to follow. And if you can keep those three vantage points, somebody in front, somebody next to you, and somebody behind you, it will keep your perspective very well rounded, and it'll give you a lot of different vantage points and. And many times, and I know this because I know how much you pour into others. The folks that are a little bit behind us can also be some of our best teachers because they're going to ask some amazing questions, things that maybe we take for granted or we forgot about. And I've always believed that in order to teach something, you have to know it really well. So in order to teach something to someone behind you, it actually causes you to level up your acumen in that. So I'm always trying to have those three people in my life, and that's another example. Those three people will change all them of the time. You know, when somebody's a mentor to me, they're not signing on to be my mentor for the next 50 years, they may be my mentor for six months, and then we both grow and move on to something else. But, but I love that framework of somebody in front, somebody beside, and somebody behind.

That is so good because it automatically puts you into what you were talking about. Like, it automatically puts you into service, and it automatic automatically keeps your brain on growth as well with that mentor. So, yeah, it, it kind of throws. Keeps you right in line with where you said to really find the purpose in falling in love with what you're doing. Okay, so you made your piece of.

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Okay, so we're just gonna backtrack to stress, because I think whenever you're going for something, starting something new in the middle at the end, there is stress every single day. So tell me a little bit about why stress is such a big component of this and through sustaining what we want to do, what are some different ways that you cope with stress? Do you have any stories in particular of yourself or someone around coping with.

Stress and I don't have them committed to memory at present. But if you were to look up many of the statistics and research on stress, I mean, it is unbelievable how many people it affects on a daily basis. And I'm a big believer that that's only been heightened exponentially since the pandemic. These last couple years have just set stress on fire. And first I want to make sure everyone understands that there is a biological stress response that is unconscious, that we can't control, that is in our DNA. If you were walking across the street and a car coming 60 miles an hour came at you and slammed on the brakes and stopped two inches from you, your adrenaline is going to pump, your heart rate is going to accelerate, your blood pressure is going to go up, your armpits and palms are going to start to SW like your body has certain mechanisms to help protect you so that you could, if needed, get out of the way of that car. So I'm not talking about eliminating a biological stress response. What I'm talking about is kind of this day to day what we hear most people say, which is I'm just so stressed. Oh my gosh, work has me so stressed out. You know, my spouse has me so stressed out, my kids have me so stressed out. I never feel like there's enough time in the day. It's kind of being on this hedonic treadmill that most people feel like they can't get off. And I certainly lived that for a good portion of my life. And then several years ago I heard a quote from modern day philosopher Eckhart Tolle that absolutely changed everything for me. I mean, I was literally a different man after hearing this one quote. And it's so simple and it's so basic. He said stress is the desire for things to be different than they are in the present moment. Full stop. That was it. Stress is our desire for things to be different than they are in the present moment. And what went on to say and what I extracted from that is stress is not caused by, by external events or circumstances. Stress is not caused by what people say or what people do. Stress is caused by our resistance to those things. When we try to resist reality or we try to push against what is, that's what causes our stress. If we learn to have a level of acceptance and a level of surrender, our stress goes down immediately. And that's something that for me, over these last several years I've really tried to work, work on is not letting the stressors of the external world dictate how much and How I process stress in my internal world. And just so your listeners don't think I live in a fantasy land or I've lost my marbles, I'm not for one second saying that we as human beings don't have preferences. I absolutely have preferences. But I've come to the conclusion that it's not the universe's job to conspire to meet all of my preferences every moment of every day. It's not the universe's job to make Alan Frankenstein Jr's life as easy and as fluid as possible every moment of every day. It is my job to be reflexive and adaptive enough to take whatever life throws at me and continue to navigate forward. So, you know, something that most people agree is a stressful situation is sitting in traffic. You know, I live in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. and traffic is rampant all of the time. And it would be my preference that there is never a single car in my way and I can go wherever I'm trying to go as quickly as possible. That is my preference. But I realize I'm not going to get my preference most of the time. So just the simple fact of cars being in my way does not cause stress. The stress comes from my desire for there to not be cars in my way. So it's completely self imposed and self induced. So when there is traffic, I can make the choice. I can make a deliberate choice. Do I want to white knuckle it and scream and honk the horn and give people the finger and let my brother blood pressure rise, or do I want to take a deep breath, say I wish there wasn't traffic, but there is. I can't change that. So what can I do? You know, I can. I can put on an episode of your podcast. I can just enjoy some stillness. I can call a friend and talk to them. You know, there's other things that I can do, and I'm going to get where I need to go whenever I get there. You know, fighting against reality is a fight you'll lose 100% of the time. And as someone who used to get really upset sitting in traffic, no matter how hard I white knuckle it or how many times I honk the horn, it doesn't change anything. Those cars are still there. I'm still sitting in traffic. And the only thing I've done is punish myself by allowing myself to get stressed out about something outside of my control. So I'm much better at managing stress now because I can discern what things I have control over and what I don't And I just acknowledge that every day. I'm not going to get my preferences all of the time. And some days I do a really good job of this. Other days I struggle because, you know, I'm flawed and I'm fallible like everybody else. But generally speaking, at present, I manage stress better than I ever have at any point in my life. And it shows in the way that I feel. It shows in my fulfillment. It shows in my relationships. Like, I'm. I'm so much lighter now because I'm not bogged down by all of these things outside of my control.

What are some of the things that have helped you manage stress? I know when I'm not sleeping, it's like my fuse goes from like, oh, I'm a very patient person, to like, oh, my God, who is that girl? Like, she's can hardly handle anything. Or, you know, if I'm not eating well, like, what are some of the things that have really changed for you? And I have to tell you, speaking is no joke. Like, I hardly. I probably do. I don't even know 1% of the speaking gigs that you do. And it's one. I think it's one of the top, most actually stressful things that you can do because you're away from your loved ones. You're always on the road. You don't know people. You're in kind of like these situations where you don't know if these people like you. You don't really even know what the. You don't have the gist of, like, the room, even when you study the room. Like, you don't really. People's faces don't actually say what they're thinking. They just all look like they're not happy. Especially sometimes in corporate situations. It's like, well, I wish you could inform your face of how you're really feeling right now. You know, all of those moments. So what do you do? Because that's number one, that's very stressful. Then you add travel, which there's a lot of, you know, delayed flights right now. So you actually deal with a lot of stress on a daily basis. What are the things that you must do? Because you notice a significant personality change in yourself if you don't do them.

Well now, and I appreciate you sharing all that. I'm just smiling because, yes, I concur with everything that you just said. The very first thing I do, which is almost inherently, I was never wired this way. I have never been a patient person. I've always gone at 100 miles an hour. So for me, the start of my practice is to slow down, is to take a beat or take a breath anytime something happens that I can feel that visceral stress response or that I know is not my preference, like a missed flight or somebody's mean mugging you in the front row of an audience. Like, those are not my preferences. But the first thing I do is I slow down, I take a beat, and I just ask myself a very simple question. Is this within my control or not? And 99 times out of 100, it is not within my control. And I'm trying to practice the skill of letting go of things that are not in my control. I mean, for me, in my belief system and what I teach, there's really only two things we have 100% control over 100% of the time, and that is our own effort and our own attitude. So for me, that's where I'm trying to put all of my eggs in those two baskets and I'm trying to let everything else go. So if I'm racing to catch a flight and I'm stuck in traffic, I don't have control over that. In fact, if I want to take a step back, I may have contributed to that because I could have left my place 30 minutes earlier, but I chose not to and I chose to cut it close. So if anyone's going to be to blame, it'll be myself. And I have an attitude of extreme ownership because I live in that Washington, D.C. area, which is notorious for bad traffic, and I chose to leave later than would have given me the type of cushion that I should have expected. So it's no one's fault but my own. And then you get to the airport and you rush through security and you get all the way to your gate and you got beads of sweat in your forehead and they say, sorry, your flight's delayed three hours. Okay, well, I don't control that either. Whether it's mechanical or weather related, that's outside of my control. It's not my preference. And this is where I know folks are rolling. I can feel them rolling their eyes. I get it. It is 100% not my preference for my flight to be delayed. But my question is, me getting stressed and me getting upset is not going to get that flight there any quicker. It doesn't change anything. All I've been doing for almost four decades of my life is punishing myself for things outside of my control. So I take a deep breath, I ask if it's within my control most of the Time. It's not. So the next question I ask myself is, what is a response that I can have to this? That will at least move me forward. And it might only move me forward a millimeter. But what's something that can make this better? Well, if I'm stuck in traffic, instead of getting upset about it, like I said, I can listen to a podcast. I can do a short meditation with my eyes open because I'm still driving. I can call a loved one and chat with them. There's other things that I can do that at least make the situation just a little bit better. It still might not take it to ideal, but it'll make it a little bit better. And same thing with missed flights. You know, I've learned that when you're speaking, if you see a few faces, then it doesn't appear like it's resonating. Focus on the ones that are smiling and nodding the way that you are.

Totally, you know, focus on the people.

In the room, not the ones that aren't in the room, you know? And what I've learned is when I first started kind of this practice, if you will, it was very clunky and robotic and methodical and formulaic. And now I've gotten in so many repetitions, because that's the best part. There is no shortage of opportunities to practice this because there's stress is thrown at us every single day. And I'll now get to the point where I almost laugh at myself. You know, I'm not a particularly patient person, so I'm running into Target to grab something before I pick up my kids. And there's only one register open, and the person working is working fairly slow, and there's a long line, and I start to laugh, and I just say to myself, now, I don't say this out loud or they'd have me committed, but I say to myself, alan, here's a chance to practice, baby. You got another rep. And because I come from the sports world, repetition is everything. The way you get good at any sports skill is through repetition during the unseen hours. So I just remind myself that every time I find that I'm frustrated or irritated, it's just another repetition to practice this. And the more I practice, the better I get. So it sounds counterintuitive, but the more stressful situations that are thrown at me every day, the more I get to practice managing them, the better I get at this. So it almost becomes a game. It's like, sure, put me in traffic. I'll be fine. Sure, cancel my flight I don't care. Yeah, let the whole front row be having resting, you know what? Face doesn't bother me. And now I've got this confidence because I know there is nothing the world can throw at me that I'm not going to be able to handle. And I say that to Couch with the statement that I know right now I'm talking about rather trivial things. And I know that the stress from losing a loved one, somebody getting sick, somebody going bankrupt, there are some major adversities and traumas that will occur. And I know that I'm not immune to them. They will happen to me as well. And I'm not saying that I'll have in a matter of fact, just oh, well, that, you know. But what I will be able to do is say, you know what? I've been building this muscle by practicing on the small stuff. So when the big stuff comes, I will be able to handle it. Now I will allow myself to be sad. I'll allow myself to grieve. I'll allow myself to feel any emotion I'm feeling. But I know that I can handle anything that this world throws at me because I'm practicing on the little stuff. And if you get bit out of shape from sitting in traffic and you get bent out of shape because the cashier at Target is working slower, boy, it's going to be a rough road when the big stuff happens, when a divorce happens, when a child gets sick, when you lose your job. So I say, folks, let's practice on the little stuff and it'll make us bulletproof when the big stuff happens.

I totally agree. And it makes life more fun, to be honest, like, to actually. It's that gamifying life where instead of just letting things happen, you're like, oh, this is an opportunity for me to get better. And it does. It may sound, you know, what you had just said is literally everything that I do to just get better in those challenging moments that have helped me in. In business, like those moments of being patient, those moments of when someone says something to me and I want to say something back in my normal life or with family when that happens, that helps me in really important business moments when I could have lost a lot of things by saying something to somebody that maybe I misunderstood or I didn't take a beat to like, you know, understand where they're coming from or let it be okay that they reacted that way. And controlling what I can control. I think you wrote about that in your book, just controlling the controllables. Like it is game Changing. If you can't control it, it's the easiest thing to do is let it go and move on to the thing that you can because it'll actually move you forward. Trying to control the uncontrollables are like, oh my God. It's, it's actually, it's overwhelming and painful trying to control things and a contrasting.

And it's absolutely exhausting trying to control. It's tiring enough just controlling the things we have control over. Like, I don't need to be worried about anything outside of my effort and attitude because that's already a full time job. And one other thing I want to say because I never want to come across as insensitive or callous to anybody because someone listening to this right now might be going through one of the big T traumas or one of the really tough adversities and they're probably thinking, who is this guy saying this? Like, I have nothing but compassion in my heart and empathy in my heart for anyone that's struggling on any level. Even if you're the one that's getting frustrated by the slow cashier at Target, I still have nothing but empathy and compassion for you because I was that person for 40 years. And if you're going through something more serious than that, I'm rooting for you and I believe in you and I hope that things are going to work out. I'm just talking about big picture and I love the word that you use, Gamify, of figuring out how can we take some of the things in life that are unpleasant and not preferred and really challenging and how can we actually use that as an opportunity for fuel to get better and work towards the people that we're trying to become. And as I said before, and I want to double click on it, I'm not coming from a place of mastery on any of this stuff. I still have low moods, I still get frustrated. There are still times where I'm not doing what it is that I'm sharing with you right now to the best of my ability. But I give myself the grace and I give myself the permission to be less than perfect. I give myself permission to make mistakes, to not do some of this stuff as well as I'm capable of, but to be aware of it and to learn from it. And if I find that, you know, I'm a little grumpy and I snap at one of my kids, well, I'm aware of it, then I own that and I apologize to them. I learn from it and I do my best not to repeat that mistake. So I just hope everybody knows that I have so much compassion and empathy because everybody's on a different journey and everybody's on a different path. And my 25 year old self, if I was listening to my 46 year old self, if I was listening to this show, I'd have been rolling my eyes and dismissing everything that I'm currently saying because when I was 25, I wouldn't have heard any of this. So everybody's on a different path and folks will kind of see that light at different times. And you know, it took me well over four decades to start coming to some of these conclusions, but I'm thankful that I have because I plan on living out the next four decades utilizing these mindsets and these approaches, managing stress and breaking through stagnation better than I ever have before.

Okay, I want to know what you think it takes to be great. I feel like I hear a lot of people in this just entrepreneur. We help a lot of first time entrepreneurs, a lot of people who are maybe in the one to five year range. And I, I think that we don't show like even, even with athletes, we don't get to see everything that goes on. We don't get to see their habits. I know that you worked with Kobe Bryant and we don't like get. We didn't get to see when he would show up at what, 3am to the basketball court to practice when no one was around. Like, what do you think it takes to be great at something?

Well, part of it. You just teed up so beautifully and that's so insightful. Most of what it takes to perform at a high level in any area of life is making a commitment towards mastery of the fundamentals during the unseen hours. Once again, full stop. You know, it takes working on the basics when no one else is watching until you, you have a certain level of mastery. You know, as you just said, most people aren't privy to what Kobe Bryant or, or you know, did or Stephen Curry or Kevin Durant or any of these other iconic athletes. You know, when you look at some of the best entrepreneurs in our space, you know, and you and Chris being two of them, we're not privy to everything that goes on. All we get to see is when you hit record and we go live on this show, we don't get to see everything that leads up to that, that what happens during the other 23 hours. And it's what happens during those 23 hours that will determine how. Well the one hour that everybody sees or in this case, hears is executed. So they the unseen hours and what we do with no one watching is a huge, huge part of whether not someone's going to be successful. Then the other part is, and this is another mantra that I live by is just do the best you can with what you have, wherever you are. That's it. Don't make life any more complicated than it needs to be. Complexity undermines execution. We should all be trying to make our lives as simple as possible, not as complex as possible. And the reason I love the mantra of do the best you can with what you have, wherever you are is one. It's malleable. It applies to any situation. You know, when the pandemic hit, many of the resources that we were used to, we didn't have anymore, or resources changed or opportunities changed. You know, my entire business, which is built on in person speaking, came to a screeching halt on March 13th of 2020. So I couldn't do that anymore. Not, not the way that I was doing it. Yeah. So after a 48 hour grace period where I allowed myself to panic and I allowed myself to be down totally. Yeah. Then I said, okay, well, now I have to do the best I can with what I have, wherever I am, so I can't keep hanging on what I was doing. I got to figure out a new way to do this. And the reason I love that mantra is it eliminates a trilogy of behaviors that will undermine your performance, undermine your productivity, but absolutely undermine your fulfillment. And that is blaming, complaining, and making excuses. If you want to be a high performer in any area of life, you have to learn how to eradicate or eliminate blaming, complaining, or making excuses. You have to have an attitude of extreme ownership and say that even if things, you know, that are happening around me, you know, I might not be in control of them, but I always own my response to those things. And everything in my life I'm holding myself fully accountable for. I've never met somebody that has been a sustainable high performer that leans on blaming, complaining and making excuses. You know, they don't sit around talking about problems. They figure out ways to troubleshoot and resolve problems. They don't point the finger and say that's that person's fault. They say, what could I have done differently? You know, they don't blame an employee. They know I hired the employee and it's my job to train and develop the employee. It's my job to motivate the employee. So if that employee is not doing what they're supposed to do, it's not their fault, it's my fault. And that attitude of extreme ownership is a prerequisite to being a high performer. So focus on working towards mastery of the basics during the unseen hours and then eradicate blaming, complaining and making excuses and have the best effort and attitude you can have as consistently as possible. You do those things and then you just have to let the chips fall where they may.

I couldn't have had you end literally on anything better if I would have pre planned forever. I love that so much. I think that, that what you just said is literally the formula for a happy life or a well lived life is just taking full ownership. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much for coming on. I know that you go all over the world right now, all over the US speaking and helping people perform at a top level. So you guys were so lucky to have him chatting with us. Is there anything that you want to leave us with?

Well, first of all, that feeling's mutual. I. I've been a huge fan of you and Chris long before you reached out to have me on your podcast.

So weird. I just thought that was so weird.

I'm like, yeah, when I got that dm, when I got that DM from you on my Instagram, it was a super cool feeling. So I appreciate this opportunity. Love what you guys do. This was a lot of fun. The last thing I'll leave folks with is kind of something that's very practical and actionable and it's a framework that really helps me in my life. So as I've mentioned a few times, I'm 46 years old. I have a crystal clear vision of the man I want to be 20 years from now. The 66 year old Alan. Now, I know that time is not promised, tomorrow is not guaranteed. There is no promise that I'll make it to 66. But if I continue to take care of my health and well being, barring something unforeseen, I don't see why I won't. So without getting too granular, I want the 66 year old Allen to be physically, mentally and emotionally fit. I want the 66 year old Allen to have a strong, deep, loving connection with his children, his family and his friends. And I want the 66 year old Alan to be doing work he considers meaningful and in service of other people. People. That's who I want to be right now in present day. I try to make as many decisions in my life as I can, both small and large, that are in alignment with becoming that person from Who I follow on Instagram, to what I watch on Netflix, to what I eat for breakfast. I ask myself, is this going to take me closer to becoming that guy or is it going to take me further away? And every day of my life, my goal is to consistently get as many yeses as possible. Now, I'm not worried about perfection. I'm much more motivated by progress. And I'm not batting a thousand. I make a few mistakes every single day and I make a few decisions that aren't taking me towards 66 year old Alan. But thankfully most of the decisions are. And you know, every single night before I go to bed, I ask myself a very important question. I say, alan, you just traded 24 hours of your life for the progress you made today. Are you happy with that trade? And if the answer is yes, then I get a really restful, peaceful night's sleep. If the answer is no, which on occasion it is, I give myself permission to mess up and move to the next play. And I still get some restful sleep because I got another crack at it tomorrow. And the reason I bring this up, this framework, I'm not postponing becoming that person. I'm that person in present day because I'm making these decisions in real time. And, and you know, I don't say this to lack humility. I say this with all the gratefulness in my heart. At present, at 46, I am physically, mentally and emotionally fit. I do have an amazing relationship with my children, family and friends. And I am doing work that I consider meaningful in service of others. I'm not postponing it. Those things are happening now. And if I keep making these decisions, then if anyone listening to this show knows me 20 years from today and we meet when I'm 66, don't be surprised that I'm still that guy. Because I'm designing my future in the present by the decisions I'm making. And you know, I think if we can all take a step back and you don't have to use a 20 year lens, you could use a one year lens or a five year lens. It doesn't even have to be who you want to become. It could be a simple, you know, like I use this with my children all the time. I have 12 year old twin sons and a 10 year old daughter. All three of them have told me that they want to be college basketball players. They've told me that is their goal. That is not my goal for them, that is their goal. So I can't tell you how many times Per week, I say to them, did that decision you just make take you closer to being a college basketball player or did it take you further away? Like, I don't need to guilt them or shame them. I don't need to yell at them. I don't need to punish them. I just ask them, is that taking you closer to what you're trying to achieve or not? And it's amazing how that filter improves their decision making ability. And this is what I'll leave you with. You know, if. If you make good decisions, you'll have a good life. You make great decisions, you will have a great life. And obviously, we all know some people that consistently make very poor decisions and they've got a pretty hard go at things. So our decision making will ultimately determine who we become and what we achieve and how we feel along the way.

Oh, so good. Thank you so much for coming on. I'm like, what can I go do right now? You guys have to go and get his book. I have recently read Sustain youn Game, but he also has Raise youe Game. And you can get these anywhere books are sold. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, all of the places. We'll link that up in the show notes and definitely go give him a follow. I think one of the biggest gifts we can give to our guest is to, number one, share this podcast with someone. If you're thinking of someone right now that you want to inspire, that you want to share, give the gift of this conversation and just text it to them. Otherwise, you guys know that we always love to shout out our guests and let them know what your biggest takeaway was. It's so fun to know that this conversation was more than just you and I. Even though this was great, but it's so fun to see what people got from it. So you guys go give them a follow on Instagram. I believe you're just. What's your handle?

Just at Allen Stein Jr. At Allenstein.

Jr. Guys, and let him know what your biggest takeaway was. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone.