Confident Women Do This Differently – And Men Notice

So we're actually going to go through five confident female mindsets and I'm going to be breaking it down and explaining more as we go along, okay? So. So I'm going to do the countdown. So number five is I am the queen. And the reason why I say that is because, you know, I grew up, in case you didn't understand my accent, in eastern Germany, right? Actually communist eastern Germany to. In an emotionally unavailable household. You know what that translated into was there was no I love you, right? Or, you know, no hugs. And so because of that, I learned to put everybody else on a pedestal, you know, because I wanted to get the approval, right? I was like, well, wait a minute, you know, a little girl, right, has to believe that the dismissive behavior of her parents is related to her behavior, right? Because then she has that false sense of power that she needs to have to continue to stay motivated, right? So I said, oh, wait, it's my fault. So if I just, you know, be more quiet or if I'm more patient, right? Or if I'm less outspoken. And I'm sure many women who watch this right now can relate, right? Because they also got neglected, maybe even dismissed, Abused parents, had long working hours, decided, oh, let me focus on the other person. You know, the reason why I say, look, what you actually want to learn is to step into the queen, which is a healthy self focus, right? So if you put everybody else on a pedestal, right? If you put a man on a pedestal and you're selling out on your own truth meaning, like let's say you don't set your own boundaries, right? You're like, it's not that important, right, that he didn't hold the door open for me or it's not that important that he made a slightly condescending comment to me that actually feels like really uncomfortable and actually kind of unsafe to me. It's okay. I'm probably just exaggerating, right? So we just kind of override our own internal dialogue, right? But a queen doesn't do that. But the queen is actually the healthy balance between what we call here between A and the doormat. And so of course, the childhood that I came from, doormat behavior, which means giving everybody else the benefit of the doubt, right? Like being a people pleaser, giving all my power away, right? And what that means is like my whole world was just about the man. As a matter of fact, it was like total codependent party, so to say, right? Calling him five, five more times, adjusting my response when he didn't reply over Justifying over explaining, over apologizing. I'm sure you can relate. You know, however the queen is saying, look, I'm not the bitch, right? Because the bitch is like, well, I don't care. She's totally aloof. Ice queen, so to say. But you know what's nice about the bitch? That she has boundaries. And a bitch is also self focused. Now, I'm talking archetypes, right? I'm not talking about that you're a. But the. The archetype of the has boundaries. But you know what? Interestingly enough, when you come from the people pleaser perspective like I did, guess what?

I didn't want to be the. Right?

I didn't want to be mean, right? I don't want to be rude. You know, I didn't want to be careless. Because guess what? I bet with you, anything that's what your mom or your dad was, right? You know, I have a nuts. I had a mom with narcissistic personality disorder, okay? And so because of that, guess what? I made sure that I'm never selfish, right? I made sure I'm never manipulative.

You went to the other extreme to overcompensated.

You're exactly right, Natalia. Right? I. You got to know that you are one, right? All right, so let's go to confident female mindset number four. And that is I am safe. Safe. Now, as you can imagine, what I've seen with my really successful women all the time, I. I've myself spoken on hundreds of stages all over the world. Google Harvard, you name it. So I came across a super successful, highly accomplished women, right? But you know what? Externally, incredibly accomplished internally feeling emotionally unsafe, right? And again, why is that? Well, because they had like an emotionally unavailable parent, right? You know, I went to the wedding of one of my clients, to give you an example, and the mom wrote into the wedding album, right? As the highlight of the whole child's life is when the child became valedictorian of the class, right? So what does that tell you was, well, she grew up in an extremely achievement focused, focused household. Know what the answer should have been? And Natalia, I'm sure you relate, right? Should have been when. When she was born, right? When I helped her for the first time. You know what I mean? When we had our first daughter, you know, you know, mom, whatever it is, coffee day or something, right? Something emotionally bonding. But she's like, when she was Valorian, I cried. That's the only time when I cried, you know? And so then because of that, a woman learns not to Trust her emotions and doesn't feel emotionally safe. And neither did I. And then of course, guess what happens. You attract emotionally unsafe men into your life. They also don't feel safe with their emotions. And what does that look like? Well, again, they break promises, they don't trust themselves, which is why they break the agreements, because they don't respect themselves. Or the other way how can fall is they can look extremely, let's say fat feminine, which means they don't have that much drive. Or maybe they are more like an addict. Right? Could be. Could be an addict, like to actually alcohol or drugs. Could be an exercise. Alcohol addict could take on many forms. Right. But that's because you're emotionally imbalanced. Guess what? You're going to attract a man who's also emotionally unbalanced. Right. So the first goal that I always teach my women is actually breathing into their body saying safe. But after you set a boundary, instead of like being afraid that he's gonna yell at you or he's gonna tell you, well, who do you think you are? Right? Because maybe that's what your dad did.

Right? Right.

Or maybe you were growing up in an abusive household, or maybe you were belittled by your mom because she was secretly competing with you because you had narcissistic traits. Right. Like, it's okay, I'm safe. Right. I'm safe to be seen. Okay. Very important.

Love it. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. We learn how to love with our primary caregivers so that prime us, that give us an imprint. And if we see that we are attracting relationships that don't feel good or we are not treated in a way that feels safe in our body, it's very, very smart to go and take a look at that. Not from a place of shame or there is something wrong with me, but from a place of okay, if I want to change something in my life, it's my responsibility to do it. So I love number two. Number four. Sorry, we are going. Okay.

Because that way you pay attention. That's why I do the countdown. You know what I mean?

Because otherwise you got me paying attention.

But want to hear the next confident female mindset?

Yes.

So confident female mindset number three that drives guys wild is I trust and give you. Is that just amazing? Is that just amazing? Okay, I give you a little story. So, 2009. Yeah, I was dating once upon a time. I've been. I've been happily married for 11 years to my dream man, and we have two incredible kids. But once upon a time, I was dating and I met this guy online. It was spiritual singles. I don't know if that's still existing, by the way. But, you know, he lived in Chicago and I lived in, I think, LA at the time. And, you know, ladies, what do we do? Right? We fill in the blanks, right? We create this fantasy, you know, and his voice sounds amazing and, you know, and I loved how he describes his world. But he had a very good way. He had the gift of the gap. If you look at the golden tongue, right? Or the silver tongue, I think is what my. See, this is, by the way, what happens. Because I'm from Germany, I always do the wrong translation. So don't. Don't bother.

You know what I mean?

But one night, you know, of course what ended up happening is, of course he had more dismissive, avoidant attachment style, which means he was starting to withdraw. When he started, we were becoming emotionally more intimate and started to become more connected. Talked about all kinds of, you know, more important topics. And I went into complete panic mode, Natalia. Like, complete panic. I mean, I couldn't get out of bed. It was almost like a panic attack. And I felt like I was in this dark hole. Right. And I'm sure some women who watch this right now totally relate to this, right?

Yes.

And I said, what do I do? I have to do something really extreme because it feels like something is over. It's overwhelming. Right. So I have to do something extreme on the other side. So you know what I did? I realized I don't trust. I don't trust that a man is actually going to respond back, that he's going to come back. And that's, of course, because I had abandonment wounds from my childhood. Of course. Right, right.

And so.

So I decided to write 134 times. I showed it to my women, actually, in my program. It's true. I trust, right? Because I'm like, okay, my brain doesn't get trust. Like, I don't understand trust. So wrote, I trust, put it all over my wall. I'm not saying you have to go to that extreme sometimes you have to. Because I realized, you know what, My thoughts were so obsessive that I get abandoned. Right. My automatic internal dialogue was so, like, negative that I'm like, I have to counter it with. With obsession. Does that make sense? Right?

Yeah.

Massive reaction until something changes almost. Right. Like, you write it until you feel something different.

Yes.

And for someone different, that was great.

That you did that. That was very, very good. I love it.

Good job, you know, but of course, starting talking about Attachment styles. Of course I didn't trust, right? Because I, like an inconsistent caregiver, sometimes got attention, sometimes I didn't get attention. I remember I was only 18 months old, right. I was 18 months old and I was trying to crawl to my mom's bed and she rolled over and said, sturmich nich, which means in English, don't bother me. Oh. You know, and so of course, because of that, what is, what do you do in that moment? Like, think about it, right?

Yeah. Your life depends on that human being. Not only the emotional life, the physical life. You had to go through that. That's, that's not good.

Yeah. And obviously I'm on the other side of it, right. But because of that, I made the decision, well, I make sure I don't need anyone. I mean, obviously I couldn't do that at that time, but as soon as I could, I became mis. Independent, made sure I don't need anyone. Look, I went grocery shopping by the time I was 8 years old. By the way, if that doesn't tell you that I had emotionally unavailable parents at that point, it should, because I don't know if you've seen an 8 year old, but when my daughter's 8 years old or my son is 8 years old, he's not going to be in a grocery store by, by him or herself. And no, that's not gonna happen. Right. It's not natural. Right. But for me, it was so natural. Right. And then, but then again, because of that, I attracted men who are like, oh, you don't need anyone. Great, we're match. Because I don't want you to need anyone. Because I'm dismissive, avoidant, and I don't want you to rely on me. I don't rely on you. We're good. And that of course not true, because internally I wanted the love, I wanted the affection. Right. So didn't work out. So really important to say I trust. Right. I trust tattooed on you. I'm not, I'm a tattoo person. But if you are tattooed on you in your own language, if you can, so that it's extremely meaningful to you.

Yes.

It's a powerful mindset shift that when I just do that with my, with my women, it's. Oh, the nervous system rewires because it's like, that's what it is. It's a trust I never trusted.

I think a lot of it is trust and I think it, it reflects a lot on us as business women doing this, on the clients hiding us. I believe that's the reason why they are so hesitant sometimes is because it's the same thing that will give them freedom is stopping them from looking for the help in the right place.

Because it's about trust 100%. Right? And you know what? Look, if you don't trust, then you're paint the red flags green. And I could go on and on and on. Right? Like you overwrite your own instincts. You even see it in reality TV shows where the women have all the men in the world. But she will go for what her imprint is, right? She will go for the man who makes her emotionally unsafe, not the one who's stable.

Absolutely. Absolutely. So what is number two?

Yeah, number two.

Are they in order of importance or they are randomly. You put the number, the number is random.

Yeah, no, it's not an order of importance. Okay, but a little bit, because I set up the queen and then I talk a little bit like what a queen persists of. So I guess you could say the last four after the queen are what the queen believes anyways. So, yeah, under the umbrella of the queen, you could see it this way, under the archetype, which by the way, is an energy inside of ourselves. For those of you like, what the heck is the queen? Right? You have different energies inside of ourselves. Right? So anyways, confident female mindset. Number to that drive man wild is I am resourceful. And I know what you want to say. You want to say, I know that, hello, that's why I'm running my own company. That's why I'm the CEO, that's why I have my real estate empire. Whatever. That's not what I'm talking about. Right. Talking about, what do you do when he doesn't text back? Right, Right. Or when you're in the unknown. Or maybe you flirted and you don't know if he feels the same way. Or maybe you're on a first date and you shared something vulnerable that maybe made you feel a little sad. But because you judge your own sadness, because maybe your parents said, you know, when you cried, like, stop crying or I give you something to cry about, or did I say this is ridiculous? Or maybe they flat out even want you. Right? You will then project that onto the man. Right? So you will actually think, oh, the man is totally judging me for this right now. Oh, my God, he probably doesn't want to go on a second date with me. He probably thought like, oh, my God, I just. I thought I liked her. But that's a total turn off. Right? What do you do in these Moments when you're in the unknown. Because you know what most women do, right? They start to compensate, you know, so compensation can look like, hahaha, isn't that funny? You know, but then with a man feels, it's like, wait a minute, I just felt a little sad because a masculine man will vicariously live through a feminine embodied woman. So the man would be like, wait a minute, I, I thought it was some set, but now she's laughing, so is it actually funny? Right. Well, wait, is she making fun of herself? Like, should I make fun of herself? Right? And by the way, the confused mind says no. So now the man is going to say, ooh, I don't know about that. Let me, let me just kind of think about it, right? And the men back then would tell us, oh, she's great, she's gorgeous. No, we have a lot in common. But there was this like, and right. Like, I don't know, I kept my finger on it. We didn't really, it wasn't really there. The connection wasn't really there, right? So women oftentimes overcompensate by talking about all of their accomplishments. You know, I talked to this, I worked with the CFO back then of like a Fortune 10 company and, and I said, do not talk about all the championships and tennis that you won and try to not talk about your work. And because I knew what she's going to do in golfing and because I had interviewed the guy, right? And so great guy, he was an engineer, owned to home saddle, but also played in the band on the weekend. So great match, great person. I talked with him, you know, and guess what? I had the exit interview with him after the date and he said, well, she's great, she's gorgeous, she's totally my type. You know, we have a lot of common, but I feel like I have space next to her. I mean, she's got it all figured out. I mean, she told me how she won all the championships and.

You'Re like.

Female mindset, you know, I'm like, okay, she was afraid to be in the unknown. So this is what happened, right? She unknown where probably nobody said something. And she felt uncomfortable with that because what does the brain do if nobody says something in a moment? It goes back to what it always knows, which is self criticism, self doubt, self judgment, right? And that's of course unacceptable to a woman who's like really accomplished because it's the opposite of how, how actually normally her life runs, you know, and so I said, you know, I wish you Would have just shared like, hey, I feel a little uncomfortable right now. You know, I feel a little vulnerable right now. You know what I mean? I mean, I told my husband I feel that I wanted to manipulate him, right? Or I. I shared with him when I felt embarrassment or shame when I got to know him. And I know what you want to say because you want to say, well, the man is going to say, she's too much. Oh, it's too complicated. Me, that's too. I. I didn't sign up for this. I wanted somebody who's knows who she is. And you know what my husband said? Like, he said, why I ask myself as a man, is this her at her worst, which we all experience worst days, or is that her every day? Right? And once you realize I can actually stabilize myself emotionally, right? Because I'm not running away from the very things that I judge about myself. He's like, oh, okay. Like I'm actually continue dating auntie and obviously proposed to her a couple months.

Later, you know, oh, that's a one. You. You make such a beautiful couple. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for sharing that.

Does that make sense? Like, make the unknown your friend instead of treating the unknown like your enemy?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I believe there is, like, you. You do too, that I. Finding and creating love happens in that edge where the comfort zone finishes and the unknown starts. And that's what we do. Many of the things we do, we teach them how to walk on that edge where they don't fall into the panic zone, but they also don't fall into the comfort zone. So that is what being resourceful is about. About having, like, training wheels and being able to, you know, or stick and being able to walk that edge. That is so scary, but also it's so exciting.

Right? And I just want to drive that home with one more story because it's a little bit of a tougher concept to grasp. And so we're talking 2010 stating the sky. And he told me one night that I hugged too much or kissed too much, something to that extent. And of course, that's the worst fear of a woman. Because what fears do we have? Too much or, you know, I'm a burden, Something along those lines now because I have worked on that resourcefulness, I said, yeah, it's true. Right? So instead of compensating. Oh, I'm just joking. The shame shields, right? Bonnie Brown talks about it all the time. I'm just joking. Or it's not that bad. Or actually, you're right. I should totally Work on that. I said, that's me. Right. I advocated for my needs in that moment. And then guess what he did, Natalia? He actually said, oh, no, I was just kidding. Right. So he actually shifted. He actually used what Bernier Brown calls his shame shield. Right? The shame shield of denials, what he used. And he said, oh, no, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, I love it. I love it. And he actually ended up pursuing me, calling me every day, leaving me voice messages, all the things. Which then leads me, by the way, in confident female mindset number one. But just trust yourself, right? Because this man actually made this judgment about me because he felt uncomfortable with that much emotional closeness.

Right.

You know, so he tried to cause a separation. Right. So he was actually coming from inauthenticity and fear, and I was coming from authenticity and trust.

Right, Right. He was testing the water, see what he could get away with. You showed in your queen energy, and it wasn't manipulative, it wasn't aggressive. It was just, I love Madonna, and Madonna says, this is who I am, like it or not. You can love me or leave me, but I'm never going to stop. And I think that is so valid in this. In the right energy, when we are in the right energy, because men are going to test, people in general will test. And the first few dates, we are setting the blueprint for the rest of the relationship. And if a man can get away with shaming us on the first date and we either overdo or run away, he's going to keep doing it. That's the blueprint. We teach people how to treat us.

And.

And the right one is going to stay, and the wrong one is not going to stay. And that is a hard truth to swallow sometimes, because I think we are so drawn to everybody liking us. But this work is about liking yourself first. From a place of, you know, being grounded and centered and knowing yourself and not liking yourself. You know, oh, I'm so good. I'm so great. I don't do anything wrong. No. Because. But, you know, it's from a place of acceptance and knowing that if there is something real, we are going to work on it and we are going to make it better. So anyway, what is number one? I am. I can't. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. You are awesome at this.

I hope this is valuable for you ladies. So confident feedback mindset number one is I am a magnet. Okay. And so why do I say that is because a magnet actually draws energy towards you. Right. So let's actually break this down because so most women that come to me do the opposite, right. They are actually providing. I mean Natalia, I hear stories, women overriding wills, like overriding houses, buying their guys cars and because my women are all accomplished. So then we can even go into well, how do you use your money? Right? Because not everyone uses money the same way, right? So the woman uses it again to get approval, right? Like she just wants to feel loved and she's like, you know, like, you know, the guy wants to start a company with her, right. But ironically, guess who the main investor is? When I start a company together, right. It's, I mean it's not hard to guess. And of course it makes the woman feel safe. So it's really about like if you feel into I am a magnet, you know, what comes up for you? Now I would tell you what comes up for most of my women is actually something like a frozen nervous system. There's actually something inside of them that doesn't feel safe to get that much attention, right. They rather want to give the attention on the other person, but they don't want to get all that attention, right. On a nervous system level because the nervous system level it feels actually better to have like more like a boundary. Like have, have people like out here, right? Because you know what? Then I can't get hurt, right? Then I can't get disappointed because I would expected it anyways and I already thought anyways that he's not going to call that, right. I thought anyways the three month mark or the six month mark or whatever your threshold is. By the way, we have all different vulnerability thresholds with that, right. Then the behavior shifts of the man, right? And so but invitation is like I'm a magnet, you know, which by the way also means what I think, what I say and what I do is an alignment. Which by the way also means that you're obviously not people pleasing, right? Because people pleasing means I think one thing, but then I say another because I feel well that's not going to be accepted, right. I mean I can't just set the boundaries here and say that was not, I was not happy with that. You didn't call me two weeks ago when you landed, you know, even though you said you would, whatever it is, right? So I'm a magnet. It's like really, really powerful. And one way how you can potentially visualize it for yourself is well visualize putting a magnet potentially somewhere maybe in your heart or your throat. So what would it be like? You know, have like that kind of magnetism come to you? What if you felt like, you know, one thing that would always tell my women that the man is already around you. The high quality man, the emotionally available man. Right. The high caliber man. And masculine. Right. He's already around you. Right. But you know what? Your brain deletes and distorts and generalizes reality based on your unconscious expectations. And this is why I want to play an land is playing here with the mindsets. Because the mindsets there are direct reflection of your unconscious expectations. So if you shift the mindsets, you don't have to worry so much about strategy. You know, I have women who met somebody at a grocery store, in traffic, at a gas station for a friend. I'm sure, Natalia, I'm preaching to the choir. I'm sure you've heard similar stories that it's not about strategy on knowing how to set up your online dating profile in the perfect way or get the perfect photos or yes, go to even singles events. You never have to go to singles event if you're on right energy.