Men Won’t Tell You This… But THIS Is What Attracts Him

How to attract a high quality man. If you're wondering how to bring a man to you to make him actually crave you, want to be with you not only for the short term, but for the long haul where he wants to commit to you, he wants to have a future with you and actually put a ring on it without him losing interest, pulling away, or just treating you like another friend with benefit situation potentially, then this is going to really help you. And today I'm excited to go into this with my friend Matthew Coast. We're going to dive in and explore this topic. So welcome Matthew.

Hello. Thank you for having me, good sir. It's always a honor and a privilege to be here.

Yeah, well, it's a privilege to have you on as well. And I am excited to really hear this part of your journey in your life because I know from what you've shared with me, you had sort of a up and down romantic life as well, where there's women you kind of wanted, but there's some blocks there either on their side or on your side. And you never really got to a point of thinking about marriage probably. I mean, I want to hear more about what you went through, but then having recently gotten married and actually found your woman. So I want to explore that journey and maybe you can help enlighten the women, take them on that journey with you. As far as what was it like for you as a man with the other women you dated beforehand, what were some of the challenges that you found getting to that point of commitment and then leading to where you met your wife and what kind of drew you to her and led you down that path?

Sure. You just want me to get started and talk about it?

Yeah, just talk. Start from the beginning. Start us from the, the struggle to the, to this.

Okay, so the struggle, yeah, I've definitely had a lot of struggles and stuff. It's a long, long story. But I wasn't, I used to be in the military. I'm a combat veteran. I was in Iraq. And when I got out, one of the things that was really interesting about it was that when you come out of a situation and you have some kind of like trauma, right? Like which just about anybody that goes into combat comes out with trauma. What you do and what I was doing at the time was I was seeking something that was actually really familiar. And it might sound weird to think that I would go back to kind of traumatic situations as something that's familiar, but it's actually something that a lot of people do and it was something that I was doing because I had spent so much time in, like, this. This place where I was, you know, my adrenaline was high, my cortisol was high. You know, my emotions were high. My stress was that that actually felt like being alive to me. It felt like life. And that actually kind of went into some of my relationships and what I was doing with dating and stuff. Because one of the things that a lot of us do and I've. You know, at this point, I've been working in the dating industry on the women's side, working with Women since about 2013. And I've noticed that there's a lot of patterns that I was doing that a lot of these women were doing. And a lot of my growth and what I was doing, I was getting a lot of it through my clients and what was going on with them and me helping them and their stories and what was working for them actually helped me as well. And so what, you know, I went through a lot of different dating experiences. Most of them were pretty bad. It wasn't until. Well, a few years ago is probably about six or seven years ago, when I started realizing that what I was doing was the wrong thing to do, right? And what I was doing was what most people do, which is you find somebody that you're really attracted to, you, you know, try to build something with that person that you're really attracted to, and you hope it works out. Right? That is the general, what I like to call hope dating strategy that most of us are out there doing right now. Right. And I. One of the problems with that strategy is that the things that we're most attracted to and the things that I was most attracted to a lot of times are the opposite of what makes somebody a good partner in a relationship. Right? And so there was a pivotal moment when I was dating somebody, and I figured out that they were very, very toxic, right? And it was. The actual situation was there's this girl that I was talking to, and she was. She was lying to about all these different things, and it was just absolutely crazy. And I remember afterwards, I won't get into details, but I remember afterwards, I was like, man, I am really attracted to toxic women. That's what I figured out. I was like, I'm really attracted to that. And so I went on this journey of, like, what is. What's healthy, right? What would be a healthy relationship? What would that look like? And how would I, you know, get into one of those, Right. Especially if that's not what I'm really the most attracted To. And so one of the things that I figured out was that it. That what I really wanted, you know, like, really deep inside what I really wanted was to be at peace. You know, that's what a healthy relationship is. It's a. It's a relationship with all the things that most people look at as boring, right? It's like being in a peaceful situation, right? Having security there, you know, having somebody who's got your back and, you know, all these things and, and they sound romantic and nice, and you're like, oh, yeah, that's great. But what is exciting in a relationship is drama. It's chemistry, right? It's that feeling of butterflies and all that kind of stuff. But that. And, and that's important. It's important to be attracted and have that chemistry and all that stuff being there to a certain extent. But when you make it the number one thing, which is what I was doing, is making it the number one thing that you're focusing on as your criteria for why you choose somebody. A lot of times what that ends up doing, especially if it hasn't worked for you in the past, it's probably not going to work for you in the future. And you'll end up getting into these situations over and over and over again where you're, um. Where. Where you're. You're with a toxic person. Just like, what was happening with me? And so I was like, okay, how do I. Like, what would it look like if I was doing something different? And so for a while I was like, what if I just don't, like, don't even, like, try to get into a relationship at all? How about I just make friends with people, right, and start spending time around them? And one of the things that I learned was if you wait, because a lot of people are. And one of my strategies back in the day and what a lot of people are doing right now is they're jumping into relationships way too quickly, right? You're just like, hey, let's, you know, like, let's get into a relationship. Let's hook up, let's have sex. Let's do all these things. And one of the problems with doing that is that then you get attached to a person, then there's a whole bunch of emotions that weren't there before. You don't really even know this person. Now you're trying to make something work with somebody that you don't even know who they actually are, right? Because it takes time. It actually takes a lot more time to get to know somebody and find out if they're a good match for you or not, you know, and so one of the things that I was doing was I was, you know, I was just. I was opening. I was doing what I recommend clients do, right? That. That's worked for a lot of different women out there, which is, you know, opening up who I'm talking to. Opening up, you know, like, who I'm talking to people that I wouldn't normally talk to or, you know, going for things that. That, you know, show that somebody isn't toxic. Right? So getting myself into situations where I'm developing friendships and connections with people that I normally wouldn't do. And eventually I ended up meeting the. And that's my wife now. And we met. We met online, actually. We met on Tinder, and we met, you know, and we talked and we spent time together, and it was great. It was a great time. We had a lot of fun. And, you know, there's a few times when we met and we were kind of dating and getting to know each other where I would kind of question things, because it wasn't that same, like, you know, I want to, like, you know, rip your clothes off and, you know, make love to you. You know, crazy chemistry, psycho thing that a lot of times I would feel in the past, right? Which led to usually a toxic relationship. Right? And. And so sometimes that would come up, and it's like, okay, am I feeling the right things right now? But ultimately, what I found and what I was looking for most other, you know, out there was, you know, feeling like I was at peace, right? Feeling like, you know, I was with somebody that. That put my nervous system to rest, you know, that helped me kind of calm down because I, you know, at this point in my life, I have, you know, triggers and things that come up for me because I've been through so many trauma, traumatic situations in my life that I would have things come up for me, you know, and it was really nice having a person that wasn't, you know, feeding off of that, like, maybe I might have had in the past, where, you know, it was like I'd get triggered or they'd get triggered and I get triggered, and then we're both triggered, and there's all this trigger stuff happening, and then next thing, you know, you're blowing up and. And then you're apologizing to each other, right? And instead, it was a lot more calm than that, because she's a lot more calm than that. And, you know, being with somebody that. That doesn't have a lot of that trauma and stuff is actually really healing, you know, and it was really healing for me. And it's. You know, what I found was that, you know, I was with somebody who was loyal, who was a good friend, who, you know, had my back, who deeply cared about me, you know, who wanted to put in the energy and effort that, you know, I wanted to put in so that we're, you know, actually building something together. And. And, you know, over time, it was like, this is amazing. You know, this is great. I'd be crazy not to, you know, jump into this, you know, with everything I've got. And so that's what I did, because it was great, and it's been great. You know, not to say we don't have challenges that come up sometimes, because we definitely do, but it's, you know, we. It's two people that are committed to each other, that are working towards, you know, having a great relationship, and there's nothing more beautiful and sacred and amazing than that. So did I answer your question there?

Yeah. No. That was awesome. And there. There was a. That was very thorough. It's great. And there's actually two big things I would. I would be curious to go more into, which is your journey of kind of overcoming your own traumas that I think a lot of women have as a struggle as well. But I think before we get into that, I'm curious because it's. You just talked about it, this idea that she created peace for you, or she helped create a space for safety, for peace for you, so that when your triggers came up, it wasn't getting more activated. There wasn't this. Now her triggers coming up, and the big fights and manipulation and messiness and pulling away and stonewalling or other things that can happen because of that. So I'm curious if you have any other specific examples or maybe situations that can illustrate that to the women listening of how your wife created that, especially, let's say, in that period before leading up to marriage. How does she create that, help create that feeling of safety for you in your relationship?

Sure. One of the ways that she did that was just being. Was just by being calm. You know, just being calm and relaxed. You know, if. If you are out there right now and you are coming from trauma, right, Maybe you've had a bunch of trauma. Maybe you've been in an abusive relationship. Maybe you've been in, you know, just challenging situations where you've got PTSD or something like that, where you get triggered by different things. My suggestion is that you find somebody that's really calm and cool and collected, you know, and it can feel like it's not as exciting, right, because there's excitement in drama. There's excitement in kind of this back and forth, you know, what's going on and you know, am I going to, Is this person going to leave me and I'm leaving you and, you know.

Passion and the drama.

Yeah, there's a lot of. Exactly. There's a lot of passion in that. But it's not, it doesn't make for a healthy relationship, especially long term, because that feeling, those feelings of like, you know, high chemistry, that stuff can come and go, you know, it can, right? It. Not always, but it can, right? And when it goes away, what usually happens and what I hear from most women is they go, I don't even know this person. Like, I don't even know who this person is that I, I ended up marrying because they, they wanted to jump into something that, that was based on this intense emotion that they were feeling. And then because of that intense emotion, what happens is I call it being love drunk, right? You're love drunk. You, like, see through your love drunk goggles and you see this person when you're love drunk and you just ignore all the red flags and, you know, like, what, what do you do when you're in love? Right? When you're in love, right? You. You'll do anything for somebody, right? You'll, you'll, you know, like, oh, you need me to do that? Oh, I'll go do that. Right? You're, you know, like, you're, you know, you haven't cooked before in your life. Suddenly you're, you know, Ms. Susie Homemaker, cooking meals and giving them back rubs and.

Right.

Because you're in love, right?

Yeah.

And that's, you know, that's what we do is we start, you know, we ignore the red flags. We start doing anything we can, we get super invested. And, and then if, you know, it's actually a toxic situation, then that feeling at some point goes away. You know, could happen after, you know, two weeks. It could happen after, you know, two years. But at some point it fades. And then all of a sudden you're like, I didn't notice that this person's a narcissist or I didn't notice that this person's, you know, you know, really manipulative or is a man child or whatever, whatever other situation you happen to get yourself into. Which isn't funny, by the way. It sucks. And which is why it's so important. And it's better to focus on character first. Focus on this person's character. Like, who is this person? Right? What, what happens, you know, when their character is tested, right? And the definition of character, when I talk about character, what I'm really saying is a good person for you to be in a relationship with. That's what character is, is. It's, how good of a person is this for you to be in a relationship with, right? And how do you know that? You know that by how they respond when things are not going their way or when, you know, traumatic stuff comes up or you get triggered or whatever. How do they respond, right? What's going on with them? Do they start accusing you and blaming you? Do they, you know, blow it back at you? You know, are they kind and understanding? Like, what does that look. And yeah, I, you know, the. So for her, you know, in our relationship, she was. She was very, you know, she. And not to say that she doesn't have her own things that happen, right? She's got her some traumas of her own, you know, that we work through and deal with. And, you know, we look at each other's traumas. I look at her traumas and I go, okay, you know, she had a trauma of being betrayed at once at one point in her life, right, where she's a super loyal person, right? She's one of those people that is like, you know, ride or die who's like just, you know, going all in on their person. And then when that person betrays her, right? It's like all of a sudden it's like, you know, can I do this still? Right? And so I do things to comfort that, right? Because I know that it's there. So if she ever has some kind of, you know, trigger that happens to her, you know, I know what that's about, right? And I know what I have to do. I have to come over to her and hold her and be like, hey, I'm not going anywhere. Or, you know, like, everything's okay, or, you know, like, I love you. You know, I got, you know, start kissing her and, you know, making her feel right and in caring for her. Because. Because we all have, you know, things that come up for us and, you know, based on what things are coming up for that person is based on, you know, how you can respond to them and, you know, treat them. Because what happens a lot of times is people will have stuff that will come up, right? Like, one of the most common things with guys, right, is that they want to feel like they're Enough, right? Men want to feel like they're impressive, right? Like they're. Like, they're like they can be respected by you. Like, they can be your hero. They can be your, you know, somebody that you can look up to and think of as. As an important and good and honorable person, right? And a lot of times when guys do that, when they are seeking that, right? The natural reaction is to, like, pull away from it, right? So if a guy. So let's, for instance, give it an example. Like if a guy, you go on a date with a guy and he's trying to impress you with his resume, he's talking about, you know, these things, these people that he knows or how good he is at his job or whatever, right? The typical thing that a lot of people do, especially nowadays, is they'll, like, compete, right? So they'll be like, oh, well, you know, let me show you my list of impressive things, right? But that's not what he's looking for, right? What he's looking for is to be honored, you know, to be respected, to be, you know, told that. That he is impressive, right? That's what. That's his need, his deep emotional need that he's seeking in that moment. And so instead of trying to compete with him or, you know, like, you know, trying to knock him down a peg or whatever people say, instead of doing that, instead of just honoring him and respecting him and giving him that, right? That can change everything for him, right? Like, so let's talk about a narcissist for a second, right? So narcissists are people with massive egos, right, who feel like they need, like, just massive amounts of respect, right? So much that you can never give it to them enough, right? And if you're talking to a guy and he is trying to be impressive to you and you give him some respect and you show him that, right? Most guys, what they'll do if you give them that, most healthy people, what they'll do is they'll calm down and they'll be like, ah, she sees how amazing and wonderful I am, so I don't need to try to impress her anymore. Now I can start focusing on her and talking to her because I. I know she already respects me and thinks highly of me, so it's easier for me to let down my guard and suddenly give to her, right? If you're a narcissist, though, that'll never end up happening because that narcissist can never get enough attention and respect and stuff like that because it's. It's they have a gaping wound in their heart that just can't be filled by other people. Right. But for most people, for most guys, you can just give that to them, and then it'll relax them, they'll calm down, and then they'll start focusing on you. They'll start focusing on connection. They'll start asking you questions. They'll start, you know, doing all these things that you want him to do anyway, but he's having a hard time doing it because he's not even sure if you really like him or not. But when you show him that you respect him, you're showing him that you actually like him in a deep, emotional way. Right. And it's really, really powerful.

Yeah. And I'm. I'm interested to ask more also on what you mentioned as far as your. When you were having triggers. No, when your wife was getting triggered, and you would hold her and comfort her and let her know you loved her, which is great. That's. That's the. The perfect thing to do. From the masculine to the feminine. And then you also mentioned the feminine showing respect and admiration, honor for her man, for his masculine core, which is. That's the feminine gift, really. But I'm. So I'm curious if there was anything particular your wife did, if there was any specific moment, just to kind of wrap that. That part up, because I think it would be helpful to the women. Was there a specific moment you can remember where one of your triggers came up and how does she handle it? How does she navigate with. With you? So, for example, one, a woman listening when her guy is getting triggered or if he's doing something, how did she create that feeling of safety for you in, like, a specific way? Was there any, like, specific instance you. You. You noticed where it was like, kind of make or break, where depending on how she would have handled it, you could have gone both ways where you realized it wasn't the right relationship for you or that you realized, like you said, that this is. Why would you want to walk away from something like that? Somebody so loyal, so caring. So was there anything like that for you that you can remember or recall?

Yeah, I mean, there was one instance, like, early on where something came up where actually.

She.

It's a long story, but she. It was this instance where she kind of took somebody else's side right over my side. It was like the very beginning of our relationship where she took somebody else's side. And it was. It was kind of a make or break moment. I was ready to just walk like Totally. I was like. At the time, I was like, hey, I gotta. I gotta go. I can't deal with this. Like, if you're gonna take somebody else's side without even, like, talking to me about it, it's a problem. But she, like, I ended up leaving, and then she came and was like, hey, you know, like, I'm really sorry about that. You're right. You know, like, you. You know, like, I shouldn't have taken that guy's side because, you know, you. I mean, I don't have all the facts and, you know, and. And, you know, I know I screwed up and all that kind of stuff, right? And so, you know, that's an instance where it kind of worked out when it was. It, you know, it was teetering. Like, honestly, at that point, I was like, I don't know if I want to do this or not. But she, like, really reassured me with that, that she would never do that again, that her own stuff came up. Right. There's another instance where something came up for me and I started freaking out. And. And she was just, like, calm. You know, I was expecting her. Like, I was saying weird things and doing weird stuff, and she was just kind of, like, looking at me. Like, she was like, what's going on right now? You know, And I was like. And, like, what happened for me, because I'm used to. I was used to at the time. I was used to, like, I get triggered, and then I say these things, and then you get triggered, and then you say things, and it's this back and forth thing. And she wasn't playing into that. Right. And she's not as intentional about this because she hasn't studied this, you know, for decades. Like, I have. But. But what she was doing was actually an interrupt, right? She was doing a pattern interrupt, right? Where I. I, you know, I'm. I'm in my normal pattern of, you know, getting triggered. And she's like, what. What are you doing? Like, what are you talking about? And so for, you know, I mean.

So that was because of any language barrier.

Possibly. It's possible. But I, you know, I. I was like. I was like, yeah, what am I doing? Yeah, And I'm like, you know, like, you know, I mean, like, she's not freaking out. And, you know, I mean, I shouldn't be freaking out either, because there's no reason to freak out here, right? And we can be on the same side. And. Yeah. So I, you know, I don't know. Those are kind of the things that have happened is, you Know, she's just calm. My brother. My brother said she's. He met her in Colorado and he was like. He was like, yeah, she's calm as a cucumber, right?

Yeah.

It's kind of a funny thing to say, but it's. It's, you know, like, she's just chill, you know, just chill about things, which is really nice.

Yeah. It's interesting because David Data talked about that in the way of the superior man, where he talks about the difference between hot energy and cold energy and how cooler men are. It's good for them to find a hotter woman, and hotter women, it can be good for them to find a cooler man. And so it's interesting that you have that dynamic too, and in a way where she is the cooler one, you're a little bit more on the hot side, more passionate or more. More stuff comes up, more triggers potentially. But there's a nice balance that happens with that. But what I want to highlight, especially for the. For the women listening, is it's very interesting how, for one, how important it is you just demonstrated that how important it is for a man to feel like a woman has his back, like, has. Takes his side, is willing to take his side on things. Because there's another side of the coin that I want to address after this, which is, well, how do you deal with if your man is a narcissist, if he doesn't really care for you and you just are now taking his side for everything and he gets to abuse you? So we want to talk about that as well. But the general principle, if you're dealing with a healthy man, is like, yeah, taking his side, having his back, not speaking bad to him for about others. And if there is something that comes up that you're willing to, in a way, come to him first, potentially, or at least get his perspective objectively on the situation before you jump to conclusions, before you start assuming that everything you heard is true and it's a specific way and these were his specific intentions when you don't really know. And it's very hard to actually determine what's going on in somebody's heart and mind at all times. So you want to ask, and you want to have a respectful conversation about that generally. And then the other thing she did, which is, I think, really powerful, is she apologized. So she was willing to own, in a way, her. Her. I guess you could call it slightly disrespectful behavior or a decision she made that could be perceived as hurtful, disrespectful. Or an attack of sorts, or just not. Not having your back. And the fact that she was willing to own that, because it doesn't mean she owns everything, but something that she can authentically say, yes, this was something I did that was perhaps disrespectful or I was in my masculine, or I was distrusting, or I was hurting you intentionally or unintentionally. And I do want to own that and how that can build so much, so much of a feeling of safety within a man. I know. I feel that a lot from. For Antia. Whenever situations come up. And she's been like that as well with me, where if we've had some kind of big thing that happened, she was often the one who was first willing to come to me and say, like, you know, I'm sorry, or let's talk about it, or she would put my hand. Like, sometimes it would just be her putting her hand on, like, my knee or my. My shoulder or giving me a hug or something like that, where it's just like this energy of openness of like, I, I want to come to you.

And.

Which kind of goes along with the third thing that you mentioned, which was the pattern interrupt and her sort of being willing to break the pattern that you may both have been in or especially for. For you to say, like, look at this a different way, or what's actually going on here. Or sometimes, like I read in this one book that a woman can do these things, like playful. Playful pattern interrupts, like, like sticking her tongue out at you or something like that, or like, like going like. Or something like that, like in the middle of an argument where it just, like, completely throws it off and it's. But it's also playful and fun. Like, a man can do this with a woman by, like, spanking her or twirling around. But women can do this in fun ways, too, by kind of being a little bratty or playful, like, you know, throwing a napkin at him playfully or something like that. You know, definitely playfully. But so those are some interesting points, and I'm glad you mentioned those, because it gives some. Some real actionable items that women can actually use with a man to have him get the sense of, like, wow, this. This could be my life partner. Like, this is different. Do you have any other thoughts on that?

Yeah, I mean, that's. Yeah, totally. And yeah, I mean, just like I was saying before, you know, if. If you're. If you have a lot of traumas and stuff, it's better to go for somebody that's you know, that's calm and peaceful and that's loving, you know, and if you're with somebody with a lot of traumas and, and stuff, it's important to, you know, be kind and understanding and empathetic, you know, but it's probably more important just to be calm, you know, and just relaxed and peaceful more than anything else. And if you're in a situation where you're both. You both have a lot of traumas, you both have a lot of stuff, you know, just go. Just go get therapy. I'm just kidding. But, but seriously, like, it's, it's. It's worth it to, like, spend some time and figure out what's actually going on with that person, you know, like, what's actually like. And you don't even have to, like. Because I know some of the women that are going to be watching this, they're going to sit there and be like, well, this, you know, he won't open up to me. He won't talk to me about his traumas and problems and stuff. And it's like, you don't have to have that person open up to you and talk to you about those things. You can figure it out based on what he is doing, what's actually going on with him. Right? Because there's only. There's only so many different things that he could actually want based on how he's acting. Right. And really, there's four different emotions that he's. One, at least one of four different emotions that he's trying to get primarily as a result of being triggered or having something that's going on with him. Right. There's one is he's looking for safety and security. That's a huge one. It's a big one for most people, especially people that have had trauma and issues and stuff in the past. Right. The second one is he might be looking for respect. Right? Respect. Or being. Feeling like he's important, feeling like he's. He's significant, like he's. He's somebody that. That's worthy of respect and worthy of being enough. Right. This is the number one thing for men, is wanting to feel like they're important. Right. The other one is feeling. The third one is feeling like somebody's on his side. Right? Somebody's like, you know, got his back. Right. That's kind of the loyalty one. Loyalty is. Is probably, number one, this, and number two is safety and security, but somebody that's really there for him and, you know, who's on his side and isn't going Anywhere, Right? And then the fourth one is, you know, usually most people don't get triggered and need this, but the fourth emotion that he might need is feeling excited or feeling passionate or something like that. And so it's. It's usually one of those four, probably one of these three. And it might be a combination of those, you know, based on what he's doing. And so you look at him and you go, okay, what might he be feeling right now? Like, what would cause him to act this way? What would he need as a result of this? And if. If you're at a loss for which one it is, the best thing to do is just to give him as much of all of them as you can. You know, let him know that you're. You're here for him. Let him know that. That he's important to you. Let him know that you're not going anywhere. Let him know that. That you've got his back and that you're on his side, you know, and that can be a powerful way to make him feel like you're one of the most important people in his life to him. More important than, you know, his friends or his family even, because a lot of guys don't have anybody that supports him in this way on his side.

Yeah, that's awesome. And because you mentioned the narcissism piece, I want to touch on that as well. Where? Within that. Because we're talking about how a woman can attract a quality man. Well, what if the man she is attracting turns out to be broken, who is a narcissist, who has trauma that's so deep that she can't help him? What can she. What should she do to, for one, recognize the signs? You mentioned some of this already. Like, even when you respect him, even you. When you. When you trust him, it's like it's never enough. He always craves more. It doesn't, like, calm him down. So that's, like, one sign. But then what should a woman ultimately do if she recognizes that she may be with a narcissist? She may be with some. He has some other severe damage that he needs to get some help, but it's not safe for her. So she creates safety for him. But is it safe for her? So what should she do in a situation like that? What would you recommend?

That's a good question. I think that more than anything else, you need to focus on your own safety, you know, focus on your own. Your own needs and making sure that you're taken care of. One of the challenges is that usually people don't figure out that somebody's a narcissist until they're, you know, months or even years into a relationship. You know, I was talking to a woman the other day who. She's been married for over 50 years, and she's finally getting a divorce to this guy who's a raging narcissist, right? And she just never figured it out, right? Because she, you know, 50 years ago, I don't even think there that that term was being used at all. But, you know, the sooner that you can figure it out, the better. And so my recommendation is that you figure out ways to. To find out what's going on with this guy. And the best way to do that, in my opinion, is to. Is to tell them no. Right? Because people's character doesn't come out when they're getting their way, when everything's fine, when everything's happy and, you know, lot of. Right. You're both totally in love. Right. I. I have women sometimes that'll be like, oh, you know, like, we don't ever fight in our relationship. We never have any arguments or disagreements or whatever. And I'm like. I'm like, are you sure you're not like. Like avoiding it right now? Which is what they usually are doing. And down the road they're like, oh, we're getting a divorce right now, you know, And I'm like, you know, like, you guys, you have to talk about things you like. It's okay to have things that you want and things that you're unwilling to accept and things that you need to talk about because it's two people coming from different backgrounds and you're not going to agree and see eye to eye on everything. Right? And so you need to talk things out sometimes and find out where that person's coming from and let them know where you're coming from. Right. These are things that need to happen. And so early on in dating, you want to have experiences where things aren't going his way all the time. Right. And, you know, it's very easy to have something like that. You know, if you go and do something where he's not good at it, you know, how does he respond to not being good at something? Right. If. If he's trying to push things too fast with you and you slow him down, how does he respond to being slowed down to being slowed down to being told no? Right. Those things will show you what his character is like, because that's when his character comes out. And if you don't have Any instances where he's being challenged, you're not going to know what kind of a man you have until deep into the relationship. And so it's important to find out those things, right? Not to say that it's going to always be pretty, you know, like sometimes, you know, like we get frustrated, we have challenges, we break down and stuff like that. The question is, is it something that you can deal with? Is it something that, you know, ultimately you can build with, or is it something that will absolutely wreck you and ruin your relationship and destroy your life and, you know, destroy your self esteem? Right? It's, it's one of those two things. And if it's, if it's something that's going to destroy you because, you know, I'm not a huge fan of the word narcissist. It's really popular, but I'm not a big fan of the term. You know what I am a fan of is, is this a person that you can be in a relationship with, right? Is this somebody that you can have communication with, that you can talk to, that you can, you know, have challenges and disagreements and arguments with and it doesn't, you know, blow up and he doesn't threaten the relationship and he's not, you know, blaming you constantly and all that kind of stuff? Right. Is this some somebody that you can do those things with and you want to find that out as soon as possible. And if it's somebody that you can't, then you have to figure out a way out, right? You have to get out of there as quickly as you possibly can and as safely as you possibly can. And you know, there's a lot of resources online you can talk to us about and we can help you figure out what to do.

Yeah, that's great. And it's basically what I, what I would recommend as well. One thing I would add in that I've seen is for a woman to be vulnerable, like truly vulnerable with a man, is a great test of what kind of man he is as well. Like, how does he handle your vulnerability? How does he handle your open heart when you're simply sharing with him your authentic feelings, your authentic desires? Like, what does he do with that information? And then like you said, over time, we're looking for, is he showing care for your heart or not? Like, is he really showing up for you? Is this like a reciprocal relationship in that sense where he is wanting you to feel safe as well, wanting you to feel peace? Or is it just, it's just all about him and it's Just all about his needs and you're, you're left in the, in the dust. Or when you say how you feel he doesn't care or like what you said. Like when you say no, which I would say that one. I caution women sometimes to be careful about that often because it can also come across as being disrespectful to just simply say no and kind deny his requests or deny his, his leadership or his direction, however that can be done. And I'm sure you would, you would elaborate on that as well as like in a feminine way to like share why she, why it's a no or how she feels about the situation or make an alternative request and see how he handles that. Does he, it's again, it's this test of is he showing care for you or not? Like does he want to hear your desires, your feelings or is he just bulldozing over it and having it move from a healthy kind of leading and following relationship to more of a controlling and not subservient. Not subservient. That's not even the word I'm looking for. Where a woman is just simply just giving away her power completely and being overridden and not having any kind of saying it, not speaking up. I can't. I don't know why the word's not coming to me. But yeah, so it's, it's really powerful and important. And yeah, this was a very valuable, interesting conversation. Matthew, thanks for giving us the, the background in your journey with your wife. I think that was, that was interesting to me personally. But I'm sure the women got a lot out of that as well. If someone wants to learn more, how could they find out more and follow you?

Yeah, just search Matthew Coast. That's the best, best thing to do. You can find Matthew coast just about anywhere. You Google me or you go to matthewcoast.com or you, you'll find my stuff. I've got a great quiz you can take. You can get a free call with my team if you need help with your specific situation. And I've got lots of programs and stuff you can check out as well and videos and free content.

Yeah, awesome, awesome. Thanks man. And we will talk to you at a later time. Everyone. Thanks for watching.