Men with addictive patterns like gaming, sex, or drugs often mask emotional dysregulation and shame, which destroys relationship polarity and safety. These behaviors re-trigger childhood wounds and signal a man can't regulate himself, making him unable to hold space for a partner.
One major red flag in a man you should never ignore, and that is addictive patterns. You see, a healthy man is able to control himself, to ground himself, to have tools, to connect with experts and be able to stabilize himself emotionally and mentally speaking. Look, of course, we are going through challenges. We're going through all kinds of different experiences in life that can throw us for a loop. I even teach on this channel oftentimes how to turn your triggers into treasures. Why? Well, because of course, you're gonna naturally gonna have triggers because you have childhood wounds, right? They were actually instilled in you when you were not able to decide if you actually want to keep them or not. You were just an absorption mode. You were in a sponge mode, right? So obviously that happens also with men as well. However, a healthy man knows how to stabilize himself. If a man starts to have addictive patterns, such as gaming, could be any sex addictions, could be any drug addictions, could be also workaholic addictions as well. And it could also be workout addictions as well, exercise addictions, right? It really shows us there's an extreme quality about him. There's something that's really out of bounds, that's really a pendulum swinging, right? And so it's really important that you're aware of that. Why is that? Well, because we're really talking about here how to create a polarity in your relationship. So think about this. A man who's an addictive pattern is naturally in his feminine. So you see, in our work, we actually call this the shadow lover. So the lover is really more the feminine. It's about enjoyment, being in this inner child. No responsibility, being in the moment, being relaxed, being a rational. Well, let me ask you this. As a woman, how does that make you feel? Do you feel like you would go naturally more to your feminine and relax more? Or would you feel like, oh, I have to hold the fort down now? Because this man, you know, he's going left, he's going right, he's going up, he's going down. Like, I need to make sure I hold that container together. I make sure that there's control, that there's consistency, that there's congruency in this house, because this man is not bringing this to the table. Now, what is the problem with that? And you may actually find yourself already nodding your head. Maybe you already find yourself remembering, like, your past relationship and marriage that you had where you went through that very pattern. Well, there's a huge problem with that. For one, this is actually not this man's authentic Self expression, which means he has actually a way of shame inside of himself around that as well. Now, the problem with that is that he's then also going to have his own coping mechanisms. Or Brene Brown talks about shame shields. Now, what are shame shields? Those are ways to deal with, you know, with a person in a dynamic when you feel shame. And so oftentimes a shame shield for a man with an addictive pattern can be, unfortunately, denial. And denial, really meaning suppressing, withholding, shut down. Or it can also be completely collapsing into the inner child, into the inner world. Boy, now what does that look like? Oh, I'll never be good enough. I just can't do it. I don't know why I made that decision. So just kind of giving up responsibility, really. I don't really know why I'm doing this. And I don't really know what the solution is here. So there is like sort of this helplessness about it and, you know, you know everything way better. Or shame shield number three is going to be attack. Well, who do you think you are? Do you think you have all the answers? Mrs. Know it all and Mrs. Super perfect, right? So, like, they're going to actually outright attack you because they want to feel powerful again. They want to drive the power back to themselves. Now, this is a massive red flag. So you see why it's such a massive red flag. Because what's going to happen is you're going to start to either not feel safe with this man because he's attacking you all the time, or you're going to feel resentment towards this man, especially if he goes into the denial one where he shuts down or where if he just collapses into his little boy. Now, why do you build resentment? Well, you tell me. Isn't it because you feel like, well, now you have to be mommy, and you have to be the one who is saying, hey, it's okay. Don't be sad. It'll be all right. And now what? Does that not give you space for emotional expression? Hello. Maybe you want to break down. Maybe you want to cry, Maybe you want to scream, but you can't because he's like, well, I don't know what to do. I don't know. I didn't do anything. Or of course the attack, which may then in turn potentially trigger an abusive pattern that you experienced in your childhood. Of course, also when he shuts down and then you had retriggered, because maybe you had an emotionally unavailable parent, a dismissive, avoidant dad or mom, and now you just repeat that same traumatic pattern again. See, this is why it's so important to not ignore this red flag. This man with the addictive pattern can't hold his own. He is not in what I call King Tegrity. King Tegrity. And so therefore it's going to be extremely tough for you to have polarity with him. Why is that? Because you won't be able to respect him like he will have respect maybe for you, but you will have resentment for him, you will have pity for him, maybe you will have care for him, but you will not feel necessary sexually attracted to him long term. I don't think so. Maybe the beginning you will, because maybe you're attracted to toxic patterns and maybe you're attracted to ins and outs and up and downs and pendulum swinging extreme behavior. Because that's what you learned in your childhood, that that's what love is. However long term, you will know that that's not healthy. So if you want to learn how to break out of this pattern, if you are attracted to a man who looks so great on paper but yet is definitely so has such addictive tendencies, then take my free magnetize your man quiz@ magnetizeyourman.com the link is also in the bio as well. It's also here below in the comment section. Well, let me know in the comment section what lands for you in this conversation. And let's have another one. Lots of love.
