This is Why You're Single....

This keeps 99% of people single. Hey everybody. In this video, I'm going to be talking about the types of things or behavior patterns that tend to keep people single. It's important to understand what these things are, what these behavior patterns are, because if you want to be in a healthy relationship, you might need to fix some of these things. And so we're going to go over a list of them. You're going to see which ones are possibly keeping you from having the relationship that you want and, and how you might be able to fix them. I'm Kevin Anthony, certified sexologist, NLP practitioner and sex love and relationship coach. And for over 10 years, I have been helping men, women and couples have the relationship of their dreams and the best sex of their lives. Okay, number one on the list is defenses. What am I talking about when I say defenses? Well, these are things that people put in place to, to protect themselves. So in other words, you've had bad relationships in the past, or maybe you grew up in a really dysfunctional family and your opposite sex parent was abusive or just not good in some way, and so you learned these defenses to protect yourself so that you never get treated like that again. These types of defenses can really, really get in the way. Now what's interesting is, you know, you might say, hey, aren't defenses against somebody who's abusive healthy? Yes, in that instance they are. However, we tend to put those defenses up for everybody. We start to see everybody through that lens and we can actually shut out people who are good for us because we think maybe they could be possibly sort of potentially a little bit like that person. Right. And so we don't want to do that. So the idea here with this one is to look at what types of defenses you might be putting up. And they're very often subconscious. So it might be really helpful to work with somebody to help you identify what these are and move through them because we're often not aware of the defenses that we put up in the way. So definitely take a look at what defenses are possibly there and how they might be preventing you from, from meeting the right person or keeping the right person. All right, number two is unhealthy false attractions. This is an interesting one because I see it a lot. And this is where somebody is attracted to people that are absolutely wrong for them. I mean, absolutely wrong for them. Now, there are a lot of reasons why that can be. They're generally subconscious reasons. This can actually be one of the defenses that I talked about in number one. But there can be Other reasons for this as well. Sometimes we think we want something. We think there's a quality or a type of person that we want and we keep going for that type. But every time we get into a relationship with that type of person, we, we realize that it doesn't work out because we don't actually like being in a relationship with that type of person. And yet we do it over and over again. It's possible also that it is a self sabotage pattern. So it is something that we are subconsciously doing to intentionally destroy a relationship because it's another defense mechanism. So there are quite a few reasons why you could potentially have what we call unhealthy or false attractions. Now the reason why I say unhealthy and false, because we can be attracted to things that are simply unhealthy for us, right? We could be attracted to a type of man, let's say, who is controlling or what we would call sort of the unhealthy old school masculine. But, but that's not really what's good for us, right? So that would be an example of an unhealthy attraction. But then there can also be false attractions, which is a trait that maybe isn't unhealthy in a man, but it's something that doesn't align with us, who we are. Right? So that's why it can either be an unhealthy or false attraction. So, you know, for instance, from a man's point of view, here's a pattern I see with a lot of men, which is they want a woman who, you know, can go out mountain biking with them and rock climbing and you know, wants to train martial arts and do the same types of things they want to do. And so they constantly look for women who are interested in those things. Then when they find them, they realize that a lot of those women, not all of them, but a lot of them tend to be very masculine. And so then they realize that in their relationship there's this constant competition and butting heads and fighting all the time, right? And, and that is an example of something that is really a false attraction. They think they want the woman who can do all those things, but in reality what they really want is a more feminine woman. Now it's not necessarily unhealthy for her to be more in her masculine and to do those things. It's not unhealthy for her to want to do martial arts or mountain biking or rock climbing or any of those things. It's just that it's not a good match for him in most cases. So those are a few more things that you want to look for. Like where are you either attracted to things that are unhealthy for you or things that are basically not compatible with you? Number three is fear of intimacy. This, of course, can be another defense. It's generally subconscious. But fear of intimacy is something that absolutely will keep people single. And you'll know it's a fear of intimacy because this is what happens. You start a relationship, everything's great, and it's all great in the beginning, because in the beginning, you don't have really the depth of intimacy yet because you haven't had time to establish it. And then as the relationship starts getting deeper, right. And you start becoming more connected to each other, suddenly you freak out and want to run. So that is a sure sign that there's a fear of intimacy going on there. And look for that pattern. Look back through all the past relationships you've had. Do you have this pattern of as soon as things start to get deep or serious, something suddenly goes wrong, and suddenly he's exposed for how awful he is and you had to leave? Right. That's a pretty sure sign that you have a fear of intimacy. And as soon as things get too close, too deep, too intimate, you find an excuse to leave. Number four is perfectionism or being too picky. Oh, do I see this one a lot? I see this one a lot on both sides, But I actually see it more with women than I do with men. And here's how this usually goes. There just aren't any good men out there. I've looked, and just none of these men meet my standards. So there's this idea of setting these impossibly high standards that nobody could ever meet. So that's what we call perfectionism or being too picky. So the really high standards is the perfectionism part. You could call it too picky. But too picky also is where, you know, you can look at a man and he's got 95% of what it is you're looking for. But there's this one thing. But that one thing really isn't that big of a deal. But for some reason, you're obsessing over this one thing, this one thing. We have to realize that nobody's perfect. That includes every one of us. We've all got things that are great and that are not so great. We've all got things that we're working on or that we're challenged by. And so when you're out there dating and you're looking for a man and you find he's got the majority of what you're looking for, don't go ahead and just disqualify him because of one small thing that isn't quite where you want it to be. Now obviously you're going to have a list of deal breakers, things that you know absolutely. Like if they have this or don't have this, it's a deal breaker. But outside of the deal breakers, all you really want to know is do they have the majority of things that you're looking for? Do they have the most important things to you and the things that aren't maybe exactly where you want them? Are they things that you could potentially live with if they never changed? That's one thing to ask yourself and then the other is, are they doing anything to work on them? Is there any progress happening on those things? All right, number five is low self esteem. This one can lead you to not even get on a dating site or not even go out to places where you might be able to meet people or maybe not approach that particular man because, oh, he's way out of my league, he would never like me. What do I have to offer him? That sort of thing. That is another pattern that can really, really sabotage your efforts to find somebody. So in that case, you need to do some work on yourself. I mean, this is often the case with almost anything. It's all an inside job. Right? We need to always be constantly working on ourselves to become the best version of ourselves that we can when it comes to low self esteem issues. It's all inner work at that point. You need to figure out a way to, to love yourself, to value yourself, to see the value that you have, to see what you have to offer to somebody else. When you can do that, that's going to radiate out. You're going to have this radiance as this feminine woman that men are just going to irresistibly pick up on. So if you do notice that you have some of those patterns of oh, he would, he would never go for a person like me or I shouldn't even bother, that sort of thing, then you know that you need to work on your self esteem. Number six, isolating yourselves. Now this can be, this can happen because of number five, which is low self esteem, but it may happen for other reasons as well. And this is something I really see a lot. You know, we think that we've solved this problem through online dating, right? So this idea, because, you know, in the, in the old days, the only way you met people was to go out and do things. Now we have all this technology, we have these dating sites, and so we think we don't really have to leave the house. We can do all of our dating through these apps until it's time to actually go out on a date. But all this sort of sorting through and picking people and getting to know them first and then going out on a date, that all happens in isolation. The problem is though, is it doesn't really work all that well for the majority of people. I still think that the best way to meet people is to just go out and do things. You've got to put yourself out there. I cannot tell you how many clients, both women and men tell me, I mean, all the time, how much they're struggling with online dating. How they just keep swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping, right? How they've swiped and told there's nothing left to swipe. And they're like, I feel like I've exhausted the pool. And then they tell me they've gone from this app to this app to this app to this app. And it's the same thing in all of them, right? I'm not saying that online dating is bad or that you shouldn't do it. I'm just saying it's not the solution to everything. And if you're trying to meet somebody and you want to be in a relationship, don't isolate. Don't just stay in your house all the time or just focus on your work or your routines or whatever. You're have to put yourself out there. Okay? And the number seven on the list is low emotional intelligence. I had to put this one here on the list because the pattern that shows up here is you have a lot of relationships, but they always seem to fail. And it's, you know, it could be always, oh, he did this or he did that, blah, blah, blah. But the reality is, is that how you show up in that relationship, how you navigate that relationship, and has a lot to do with how successful that relationship is. Now granted, a relationship is a co creation between two people, so you can do everything right. And if he's not doing everything right and he's not willing to try, then obviously it's not going to work. But be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror, ask yourself some tough questions. Do you have this pattern of getting into relationships and for some reason they always seem to not work out, they always seem to end in fights or breakups or something like that? If that's the case, it's entirely possible that you really need to up your skills in the relationship department. So you need to learn how to control your emotions better. You need to learn how to resolve conflicts better, you need to learn how to communicate better. All of those skills that that comprise something that we would call emotional intelligence. You may need to ask yourself some tough questions and see if you're really at the level where you can maintain a healthy, successful relationship. And if you're not, that's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just do the work that it takes to get to the level of emotional intelligence where you can show up in a relationship and have it be successful. There you go. Those are seven things or patterns that tend to keep people single. I hope that you found that valuable. Please check out the link and go take our free Polarity quiz. And of course you can also check out my website@kevanandsline.com linkinbio to find all the things I have to offer.