Why He’s Always on Your Mind (Even If You Don’t Want Him To)

In this video you will discover why you can't stop thinking about him and surprise what you can do about it. Hey, I'm Auntie Boyd with Magnetize youe man. And together with my husband Brody Boyd, we've been helping thousands of successful women all over the world to get the connected, committed and long term relationship that they desire fast. So let's go ahead and dive right in. Look this, the reason why you are obsessively thinking about him, you can stop your thoughts from it is because you are in a limerence state. Now what is limerence? It is actually description of an altered state of mind. It's also known as love addiction. And you may already start nodding your head because it feels crazy addictive, it's insane. Like you, you're doing things you would never do when you're running on limerence right towards the object of limerence of course. And you know, let's actually talk about what is limerence. And limerence is particularly when you're really obsessing over a person and you're basing basing it like on fantasy. It's so far off from reality oftentimes it's also completely one sided. It's filled with hope, it's filled with lots of back and forth of in and out, lots of uncertainty, lots of intensity and it's horrible because you can't break out of it. You see this, I see this with women all the time trying to break out of limerence and is that they literally say antia. I wake up in the morning, I can't stop thinking about him. I'm driving and the first thought I have is him and I'm doing all the meditations, I'm doing all the affirmations and doing all the prayers. So I'm going to be here to tell you actually how this builds and also by the tools that I'm going to teach you are actually going to work. Because in phase number one, ideally of course you catch already in phase number one, right. There's like several stages and in phase one on stage one it's all about like being excited about this person. So this is not a person that you actually feel like. So you know, it feels more like a cool calm lake. We're relaxed, right. But it feels very intense and very exciting and your heart is beating you and a hyper aroused state unfortunately. Right. You're in a of state sympathetic nervous system response. You in a fight or flight response but feels exhilarating. You know unfortunately in that stage also women think I've met my Soulmate. You know, I've heard our clients tell us, oh, this is the sign from God, the angels are singing from heavens. But let me tell you, when you meet a man who's securely touched and ideally you are securely attached, it doesn't feel like the angels are singing from heaven. It's actually a very grounded experience. So there's something like crazy about already from the get go. Now, ideally you want to already catch it right there and say, wait a minute, wait a minute. So is this particular state that I'm experiencing right now sustainable? Because if it's not, then think about it this way. What goes up must come down. And this is not going to look great. And we're going to go into that in like particularly stage three and four, how it becomes more and more a negative downward spiral. However, in the first stage, if you don't stay grounded and connected to reality. So I recommend, for example, taking a calendar and actually marking in your calendar. That really helped me to heal from limerence in the early stages, actually seeing like how many conversations did you have with this person or when did you have a phone call with this person? Because when your brain actually looks at a calendar and sees like, oh, there's like three conversations on there, right, and the rest of the calendar is white, then it's like there's like the sense of groundedness, of this sense of reality that comes back in and you less likely to add the ingredient of hope onto it. Because what you do is when you had a childhood, when you had a childhood of neglect, where you developed an anxious, avoidant attachment style, surely an insecure attachment style, where was of course where you abused as well, right? But you were actually craving that emotional intimacy, that attunement, that attention, then you're more prone to through limerence. And how do you do that is because you create a fantasy. As a little child, you eventually also created a fantasy because it feels so much better. So you actually start to leave your body. You actually learn to disassociate. And that's what you do when you enter stage two, which then added with hope leads to obsession. Because now you are projecting onto this person this amazing storyline that you have like lined up now. How do you break out of obsession? Isn't we teachers, our women all the time is feminine communication. So it's actually not necessarily something really wrong with obsession if you communicate it right? Because in that particular stage, you can actually identify if this man is truly invested in you or not. And by the way, a woman who's securely attached and is intrinsically confident at this particular stage will communicate her emotions, right? So we're talking a lot about feminine communication. And so what that means is you communicate that you're attracted to this person, right? So when I was like in a stage with that, with a man, like, it shifted things for me right away because we had coffee at Starbucks. And so I told him that I felt had feelings of attraction for him, and it was just really real, was really authentic. It's really transparent. And he said, you know what? Like, I would continue dating you, but I just met who I think is going to be my future wife, Right? Which ended up being true, by the way. But it was so powerful for me because guess what? I no longer was an uncertainty, which leads you to that next stage of limerence and instead got to break out of that limerence, right? So the trip. The trick of limerence is, number one, you want to catch it as early as you can because breaking out of it is going to be easier. Why? Because you're going to have less resistance and the brain will not have developed this, like, real, like biological biochemistry, like addiction patterns, meaning the symptoms of withdrawal will be very little or not there at all. Right. Also, by the way, in order to actually avoid ending up in. In stage number two is letting the hope die. So if you actually learn, wait a minute, my reality, and I'm creating my fantasy, my illusion is actually based on hope that I'm holding on to. What does that look like? Well, if I'm just, you know, if I just wait a little longer, if I'm just a little bit more patient, if I'm just a little bit more feminine, if I'm just a little bit more gracious, if I'm still more fill in the blank, if I'm just a little bit more sexy or whatever it is, then, right? So that's like the hope. Then he will turn around. And so in 2014, five months before met my husband, like, I actually broke up with my old self, right? I actually broke off that stronghold that was on my life of attracting emotionally unavailable men and also having hope that the wrong men are going to turn around. So I broke up with that. But I really, like, I really let go of that hope and let that hope die. And why is that important? Well, again, it can't lead to obsession because if you let the hope die, then you're already going through the grieving process. So when you go for the grieving process, you're already going through the release process. You're already grieving that this person, that you will never be able to turn this person around. You were never able to heal your parent. You're never able to turn your parent around to stop them from being addicted or from. Stop your, your mom from being narcissistic or from being emotionally unavailable. Right? You could never earn that love from that parent. And that's what you have to grieve in that moment. However, if you don't do that and now you stay the uncertainty, because guess what in stage two is. On stage two, in obsession land, you actually don't communicate your emotions because you have all kinds of judgments around your emotions. And you're telling yourself, if I communicate to him that I have attractions to, like, he's going to think I'm crazy and he's going to reject me and he's going to. I don't want to do that. I don't want to. I don't want to lose that. Right? So if you're not willing to let your hope die, then you stay in uncertainty. And unfortunately, that has. You enter stage number three. And in stage number three, you actually start to lie to yourself. Not this particular point. You actually also start to notice that there's going to be involuntary responses. So you actually start to think about this man. Even though you don't want to think about this man, it's going to be harder for you to stop the cycle of obsessing over him. Even though it makes. Doesn't make any sense, you may also already start to feel like you're not attracted to anyone else. So this man has sort of this exclusivity. He surely is on the pedestal. And now it has become, it has entered sort of the addictive stage. It's the beginning stage, but it's, it's, it's entering more and more, losing connection with reality. And what I mean by that is, like when you actually lie to this particular person. So what I've seen with my women with our clients is that they, let's say she had something vulnerable from stage two and something, you know, like how they really felt or how disappointed they felt or how excited that felt, and then they're backtracked. And I actually talked about this on this channel as well, how that actually keeps you from attracting. Right. Men by backtracking. Right? Because when you backtrack, you actually start to lie. You start to lie to yourself. You actually say, oh, I'm just kidding. You know, I just shared that last night because, you know, I just went through the surgery or I just shared this last night because I had like too much to drink. You know, I just chat this last night because I just a stressful week. But like, no, it's all good. Like, don't worry about it, right? So the woman's actually starting to kind of apologize for herself. And unfortunately you lose even more trust. Trust towards him, trust towards yourself. And it becomes more and more a pattern that's highly codependent and dysfunctional. And then of course, eventually you enter the phase where you start to Act Stage 4, where you start to act desperate. Where your friends say, what did you just do? You know, these are the moments. Like when I was in stage four, I was so desperate that I ended up in disguise's drive way, right? Because I couldn't get a hold of him. I called him. I mean, I don't, I don't know how many times I called him. This was like many, many years ago. But like, I've called him a lot of times, right? So there's like this obsession. It's an obsession. It's insane, right? Because it's like scary to the other person. And you know, one thing that I told my, one of my women was like, okay, just imagine like a man would do that with you. Like, he would like call you every five minutes and if you don't answer right away, he's going to drive over to your house, he's going to come through your garage, he's going to show if you're like, how scary would that be? And then the woman's like, oh my God, I had a total breakthrough right now. Like, oh, wow. No, I would never want that. Right? And so, okay, then why do you think that works when you do it with other men, right? Or when you do with this particular object of limerence. And so I was in this particular man's driveway because my friend back then had enough of me calling and whining. And again, this was like way 20 years ago. But still, this is what this can take on, right? This can. This is where you, you have heard about really famous, you know, law courts of like women texting. 80,000 text messages in such a short period of time. And, you know, secretly breaking into romance. I mean, it just becomes like really insane, right, because you're literally you. You start to lose your mind. You really do, right? Because you're so far off from reality, you're completely in this delusion. But you're trapped because your brain can't think about anything else. It's like trapped. And you have no flexibility to get out of it, right? Other than this person leaving you or this person filing like a lawsuit, restraining order. I mean this is what the extreme cases look like right now. My particular case, I was sitting in a driveway and then actually a sister came home, which she was so nice and she actually made me hot chocolate with whipped cream, was so sweet. And she said, you know, just don't bother. Right? Like my brother is like a total player and whatever, right. And you know, you would have thought that at that point my limerence peer like episode was over, right? Not so much. I actually had my friend pretend she called him, she called the wrong number and, and then actually flirted with him and see if he flirted with back of her. And then it finally like started to end, right? Because he did flirt back with her. And then I saw, you know, yes, he's like a total player. But I had to kind of see it for myself. So eventually I broke out of it. But women waste years of their life. And here's one of the reasons why women don't break out of limerence in the early stages. You know, the reason why I don't break out of limerence in the early stages is because you have the fear of regret. It because you're, you don't want to be with the unknown. What if he would change? What if he would heal his addictive pattern? What if he would start to, to do therapy or counseling, but what if he had a coming to Jesus moment at his church and he would get a deliverance and he would say oh my God, like everything has changed. What, what if that happened, right? So you don't want to live with the what if. And this is very much what I teach on this channel is how to be in the unknown, how to be with the what if? Because that is so much more worth to create that capacity to be with that. Especially after an anxious attachment style, if you're in fearful avoidant attachment style, if you're an insecure attachment, start period because that helps you to break out of limits in the early stages. Stops, stops you from wasting your life, wasting your energy, wasting your attention that you could put on your incredible kids, if you have kids that you could put on your incredible career, focus your calling, your purpose that God has put on your life as well. So if you want to learn more about how to break out of limerence, then take my free love quiz. Magnetizeyourman.com is the link and I'm going to be posting that as well here. And other than that, I'm so much looking forward to hearing reading all your comments, hearing your questions, and I'll talk to you next video. Take care. Bye bye.