084: Self love radiates outwards, ft. Claudia Sabina Wellness

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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Connie Crystals, the podcast. This week I have got another amazing guest with me. She has her own self-love and Wellness Academy, as well as being a life and self-love coach. So please give it up for Claudia from Claudia Sabine Wellness. Claudia, how are you?

Hi, I'm great. This is amazing. I'm super excited.

I know, I love this. Like, I'm just going to like fill in the blanks for people that don't really know how we met and stuff like that, but I went to that event in London, and I think it was on the, the first morning I went downstairs and I was just like I was really shy and nervous and there was like thousands of people there. And all of a sudden this really bubbly girl came over to me and was like, oh my God, you're Mart. I listen to your podcast and I'm a book club bitch in Fran's book club. And I was like, total fangirl mode. And I was like, what's going on? And honestly, we just got on like a house on fire, didn't we? And we spent the next couple of days together and we had drinks at the party on the first night and things like that. Yeah, we just really clicked and I was like, I need to get her on the pod. And since then you've even joined my Manifest with Mart membership and now you've got your own academy.

I just— yeah, it's amazing because I was a bit nervous about getting over to you. I thought, no, I'm just going to do it. It's going to be a bit fun girly, but I'm going to say hi. And yeah, it was just amazing to meet with you because you feel when you listen to a podcast, you feel like you know that person, but they obviously don't know you. Obviously we'd had some chats on the DMs about allergies and stuff. Yeah, but other than that, we, yeah, we hadn't really connected before, so it was really lovely. And I absolutely love the community, the Manifest with Mark community. Um, so yeah, um, a bit about me. So I am a nurse, so similar NHS background to yourself. Um, and then probably about 5 or so years ago, I had some big life changes and decided that I really needed to focus on healing And it's kind of all ended up in this turning into a coach and getting trained and then supporting other women.

Where did you start on your spiritual journey, like, leading to where you are today? Because I know that you're a nurse, but how did you get into kind of spirituality? How did you get into mindset work? You know, like, how, how did all this come about for you?

Um, so I probably most of my life has struggled a little bit of feeling a bit different. I'm half German, so I kind of speak German as my first language, even though I lived here.

That's why Claudia is pronounced Claudia rather than Claudia. I didn't know that.

Right.

Okay, that makes sense.

So I always felt a bit different and I had quite low self-confidence and it kind of followed me through my life, I suppose. I felt there was something missing, but I didn't quite put my finger on it, and I couldn't quite identify what was wrong. And then I was in quite an abusive marriage, um, and that kind of came to a head when I was pregnant. Um, for people who don't know, uh, domestic abuse is either starts or gets worse in like— so a third of domestic abuse cases get worse in pregnancy. Or they start in pregnancy. And for me, that was very much the case. Things escalated and I was referred to talking therapies and the counselor I saw was absolutely brilliant and he was like, right, we're going to work on your self-love. And it was just, it was like a light bulb because he gave me this exercise and it was to break down the week into 1-hour slots. And then identify if there was anything in that day that gave me joy. And I looked through a whole week and nothing. It was all about serving others and putting everybody's needs before myself. And I literally— there was nothing. And I was like, how is that even possible? Um, and so he gave— he was very gentle, bless him. He built me up gradually, giving me these little tasks, um, to do, and then explored the idea that maybe the relationship I was in was actually being very harmful to me. Um, which I find really hard to admit because I was pregnant, I was married. These are the things that I'd wished for all my life. I was, you know, every time, you know, that thing about when you lose an eyelash and you blow it and wish on it. Um, everything was like, oh, I want to be married and have children. Um, and I never stopped to really think, am I marrying the right person? I was just so— because I had such low self-esteem, I was like, oh, you've asked me. I didn't even think, actually, is this the right thing for me? Um, so yeah, it was a, it was a journey. And so when my little boy was 3 months old, that gave me the courage to leave because I didn't want him to grow up seeing me treated that way. Um, I had a lot of support from, um, a group called Eden Lynx, um, which is the Lincolnshire Domestic Abuse Service. And there's also a charity called Sage Gardener, and they did a maternal wellbeing program. It was for both parents, didn't have to just be the moms, but it was for people who are pregnant or just had a baby. And it was in this beautiful nature setting and they did lots of like mindfulness techniques. And it was so that was definitely part of like the healing beginning. And then I wanted to look at more things. So then I kind of started going down, looking at— I started listening to Fran's podcast And yeah, it was just one of these things that you just, you start down the rabbit hole, don't you? And then you suddenly find more things and it keeps going. And then I had Evie with my new partner, who's wonderful. And I had really bad postnatal depression, which I wasn't expecting because it was such a night and day experience compared to my first pregnancy. But Having two young children was so overwhelming.

Yeah, I can imagine.

And yeah, and I think there's a lot of people, if you say you're having a hard time, they immediately go, but, but you wanted children, but you're so blessed and they're healthy. And all of those things are true, but that doesn't mean that you can't be feeling sad and overwhelmed and like you're missing something because your whole life is about keeping these little humans alive, but actually you need to look after yourself to be able to do that properly. Um, so then I came across coaching and I was like, do you know what, this fits.

I was going to say, I think there's something in that as well, what you were saying about, um, not feeling like kind of confident enough to leave and asking yourself, is this actually what I want, just because he asked you to marry him and things like that. And I think a lot of people will probably resonate with that and relate to it because people don't like massive change in their life because that is a massive upheaval, isn't it? Especially when you're already pregnant, you're already growing a little human inside of you to then leave a relationship and potentially start afresh. That's a massive thing. And I think people will quite happily sit in that stagnancy and just sit there thinking, well, this is it for me. Do you know what I mean? I think your story will resonate with so many people. And I think self-love and self-esteem is a massive factor of that. And you were saying the fact that you couldn't find anything on your daily list of things to find about yourself that you loved because you were always giving to other people. And people like that are quite selfless people, do you know what I mean? They're always giving to other people but never filling their own cup up first.

Yeah. And I don't know how much of it is being in a caring profession, you know, I've worked in the NHS for nearly 21 years now, and you, you're drawn to that work because you want to help people and you want to make them better, um, on a kind of very aspirational level. Obviously it's not always possible, um, and that has an emotional toll. And so, um, I've gone a little bit off track here, but, um, so I predominantly support mums, but actually I widened out the Self-Love Academy to any person, because actually when I was talking to people about it, there were so many people who aren't necessarily parents, but actually they are very empathic, they're nurturing, and they give, give, give, and they need that. And so that's why there isn't— when I first was thinking about it, I was like, oh, a self-love academy for mums. I was like, no, actually I think I'm just going to do it as Self-Love Academy.

So that kind of leads us on to leading lady, your Self-Love Academy. So how did that come about then? What did it involve? How did that kind of come to fruition and you thought, this is exactly what I'm going to do, it's the self-love part of things and I'm just going to open it up to, like what you've just said there, anyone? How did that come about? Is it going to be an app? Is it going to be an academy, like an online forum? What does it involve?

Um, so basically I was doing a 12-week self-love, it's my Mastering Self-Love one-to-one program with a client of mine, Emily, who is a wonderful friend, and I asked her to describe her transformation in her words at the end of the 12 weeks. And she basically said that she had gone from being in the chorus line of her life, not being able to take it, like literally doing whatever anyone else wanted, to actually becoming the leading lady. And I was like, that is beautiful. And that perfectly describes that journey, is that you, you're kind of going along with what everyone and anyone else wants. And you're not standing up for yourself and you're not appreciating yourself. You're just blending into the background when actually it's about going, no, this is my life and I get to make this decision. Whether that decision is that I would like to have pizza for tea instead of pasta or something a bit bigger. It's all of those little decisions that when you're struggling with low self-love can be really hard to say, actually, no, this is what I want. So that's kind of where the name came from. And the idea behind it is that I really am passionate about building a community. Um, I was speaking to a lady yesterday, um, and she was saying she's got a young child and found that when she said she'd had a hard day, people were very negative about that and she didn't get like that support. And for me, it's— I just want to have that supportive community where people can be real. Um, and then you know, give that nurturing to each other and kind of fill the cup. Um, and so what the academy looks like is, so the platform is very similar to your platform that you use, like Kajabi, but it's a different one. Um, so there's, um, video modules where I've done training, uh, with workbooks, with like journal prompts, um, exercises to do. There's also like recorded, uh, like self-love hypnosis and guided meditations. And then there's like a community on Facebook and there's also twice a month group coaching calls where we can talk about a bit of accountability, but also like solution finding. So not problem solving. I prefer the solution finding because it just seems a bit more positive. And yeah, just— and then I'm going to do some like guest expert sessions as well.

Oh, I love that. I think the biggest thing for me as well when it comes to self-love is having that accountability because as you know, last month I think it was we did the 7 Days of Self-Love Challenge in the Manifest with Mart app. And when I was going through it, it was— people were saying like, this is really simple stuff, but because I'm in a community of like-minded people, I've got that accountability to take part every single day. And that's exactly what people need. They need to be part of a wider group of people that are on the same level of mindset as them to spur them forward. And I think that's what works perfectly with like communities and academies like that. So When we go— when we talk about self-love here, what do you personally define as self-love? Because obviously self-love is a massive, vast, kind of broad area. So what do you define as self-love and why do you think it's important for our overall well-being?

And that's an excellent question. I love it. And I basically have found a lovely definition which is actually by the Brain and Behavior Foundation. And self-love is an appreciation for yourself and you develop that through actions that support your physical, psychological, and spiritual growth and have a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. You take care of your own needs, not sacrificing your own well-being to please others and not settling for less than you deserve. And I just love that definition because I think it just encompasses everything. It's not about going, yeah, I'm great. It's about doing the things. So it's like you know, eating healthily and getting some movement in, all the things that we've been doing in your challenges with Manifest with Mart, which are amazing. Join if you haven't already. Um, um, but it is like, it's really focusing on the things that are gonna nourish you and nourish your soul and being really sure in what you stand for. What, so what are your values? What makes me me? And then kind of celebrating that as well, but not in a narcissistic way where you're like, I'm the center of the world. The center of your own world.

I was going to say, I think self-love is a lot bigger than what most people see it as because there must be so many misconceptions or myths about self-love that you often come across. But when someone first mentioned self-love to me before I was into all this, I would have probably just thought it was taking myself off, having a bubble bath, having an early night, and that would be like my version of self-love. I might have put a face mask on, I might have trimmed my nails rather than biting them down or something, do you know what I mean? But to me, that is self-love. But self-love is so much bigger as well. What are some of the other misconceptions that people have about self-love in like your land?

Yeah, so I think a lot of it is that it's a— not an— it's like, um, a nice to have. Rather than essential. I think I'll, you know, I'll do that at the end of my priority list, I'll get everything else done. But actually, if you spend that time to really know who you are, to nurture yourself and make those choices that are going to lead you towards being your best self, you're going to show up better for others. You're going to be better able to care for others. And particularly when you're responsible for caring for other people, whether that's you know, a family member or a child, or if you're a carer or a nurse or whatever, when you're caring for those other people, if you're completely burnt out, you're not going to be giving them your best self. Whereas if you take that little bit of time and it doesn't take a lot of time.

Which area did you work in?

You name it. So I've, I started in cardiac and then I moved to intensive care and then I moved to research and I've done research in literally in A&E, critical care, outpatients. Um, and now I'm trained as a professional nurse advocate. So my job at work is to nurture and support nurses' well-being whilst improving patient experience and quality improvement and these things. So my two worlds of nursing and coaching are very much intertwined, and I love it.

I was going to say, because like, I think there's something in that as well, because you're a nurse, you're naturally already empathetic because you've got to be with with patients, with your other staff and your colleagues. And I think when you work in the NHS, you naturally, you're naturally taught that as kind of day-to-day running of the NHS and the day-to-day business. So I think a lot of that, you able to transfer them skills over into your, your wellness business basically, aren't you? And I think it's probably given you the upper hand as well because you deal with patients firsthand. And you'll probably see that, you know, patients end up in hospital because they're not giving themselves that self-love, because they're doing things like off the cuff rather than like taking the time and filling their own cup up first. So what are some of the like practical strategies or exercises that you do on a daily basis that like some of my listeners could implement, for example, to kind of cultivate that self-love themselves in their daily lives? Because it's not all just about like I was saying earlier, like having a bubble bath, is it? It's about putting yourself at number one of your priority list, isn't it? So what are some exercises that people can do to kind of warrant that? Yeah.

And she just reminded me of another thing about self-love and self-care is part of it is making sure that you take your meds and go and get a doctor's appointment if something's wrong. You know, I'm sure you saw it in your place. People leave it until they're literally at death's door. Whether that's mentally or physically, before actually seeking help.

I was going to say, can I just say, my mom, literally, she had this pain in the side of her knee in November, all the way through December. Like, for her 60th birthday, I don't know if you remember, I took her to see ABBA in London. She was hobbling around, and I said, go and get checked out. No, I don't want to be a waste of time. It turned out she's got— oh, what's it called— a meniscus tear. Meniscus? Oh gosh, meniscus, something like that. Um, but she literally is still in pain now, and we're talking 6 months later, she's got to have an injection in her knee, basically, and it's going to be like a huge painkiller.

It's like a steroid injection or something.

But she's had to go to physio. This has gone on for 6 months. And I said, if you'd have done some self-love initially, took yourself off to the doctors, you might have been able to get something to take that swelling down or reduce the pain straight away. But she's just waited and waited. And I think as a British culture, we don't like putting on other people Do you know what I mean? So sometimes self-care does go out the window.

It's like a stiff upper lip, isn't it? It's like, no, I'll crack on.

Yeah, but you're not going to get any other thanks for that. You know what I mean?

Like, there's no medals.

No, there isn't.

There really isn't.

And so that leads perfectly to the first thing that I think your listeners could do. And it's actually, it's really simple and it doesn't take a lot of time and it doesn't cost any money. So it's actually just to stop for a minute and ask yourself, What do you need in this moment? Not what you want, it's what you, what your needs. So is it that you need rest? Yes, you might have a to-do list that's as long as your arm, but actually, are you going to be more productive if you just sit and have a little rest for half an hour and then try and do it rather than powering through? So that checking into your intuition, and you can do that just by just sitting, closing your eyes and taking a few calming breaths in and out, and then just asking yourself, what do I need in this moment? So that's, that's number 1. Number 2 is be really clear on what you stand for, what your values, and what your definition of success is. So what, rather than getting caught up in, I want to do whatever other people are doing, say, like, it could be that you go on Instagram, you think, oh man, their house looks amazing, and it's pristine, and you ignore the fact that actually you're working two jobs and you just physically don't have the time to do it to that level, or the budget. You might not have the budget to go and spend all that money. And it's been, it's been realistic and making it personal to you so you're not striving for something that's not even your version of success either. And then boundaries. And I've got a really good example that I think a lot of listeners will probably resonate with.

Go for it.

So when I came out of my— when I got divorced, obviously I still have contact with my ex because of my son, and he likes to video call every day to have a chat to him. And this was probably about 2 years ago or so, and we're on the call and he was quite verbally aggressive and rude towards me. So I was like, actually, you know what, I'm not going to stand for this. I said, I'm going to hang up right now. So I ended the call because I didn't want my son to witness that and I didn't want to receive it. And that's my boundary. And previously I would have taken whatever he was saying and probably got really upset. Not saying it didn't upset me, but, you know, I would have taken it to heart. And instead I actually sat there and I drafted a message which I sent and said, if you cannot treat me with respect, we will not be having these phone calls because I don't deserve to be treated like this, and I also don't want Harry seeing this. Um, and since then we've had no issues on those calls. Not saying everything is perfect, but we don't have that— that behavior has not been repeated. And it was really hard.

That's good. I think sometimes you've got to set the boundaries though, haven't you? And you've got to put your foot down because otherwise you'll find that And it is a self-love act, setting boundaries, because if you don't do it, people will walk over you and take advantage of you time and time again. And I think your ex-partner was clearly a bellend, but obviously, um, he just kind of was walking all over you and just thinking, well, I can still treat her exactly how I was treating her beforehand when he was abusive, do you know what I mean? So I think by you setting your boundaries, that is an act of self-love from your part.

And I think that's so It is so important, um, that you— because you're valuing yourself, so you're showing yourself that love by saying, actually, no, I'm not tolerating that. I'm not going to be treated that way. That is not acceptable. Um, and you can be polite about it. You don't have to be rude when you're setting boundaries. And I definitely think if you do put a boundary in place, no matter how small it might seem, celebrate that you've done it, because it's taken courage to be able to say no. And that might be something simple like saying no to an overtime shift at work, or, you know, saying no to a party invitation if you have checked in with yourself and go, actually, I really need to rest, rather than—

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And then feeling like you must go and please others and, you know, they really want to see you there, but actually it's not in your best interest in that moment. Yeah.

I was going to say, with setting boundaries as well, the flip side of that is that, like, say for example, you let him walk all over you, you would then start to become, like, self-critical of yourself, like, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, because he is literally making you feel like that. So you would have all this self-criticism and negative doubt and self-talk inside. So how can we then shift our mindset and kind of develop a more compassionate and loving relationship with ourselves? How do we get to that point that we can physically say, you know, no, Enough's enough.

So it definitely goes— so taking a stop. So if you notice that negative thought coming into your mind, or that you're slipping into a more negative mindset, is literally just take a pause and think, right, where's this coming from? Why am I thinking this? Is it true? Because often, um, and you know, I'm as guilty as this as the next person, I can dramatize things, be like, oh, this happened and it's the end of the world. Sorry, That's the wrong moment. Mart was just taking a drink of tea and I— I nearly stopped it, thanks. But yeah, it's like, so is it true? Is this thought I'm feeling true? And the chances are it probably isn't. And probably we've gone down that kind of catastrophization thing where we've literally gone, oh God, it's the end of the world. And actually it wasn't. And then another thing, if that— if challenging whether it's true or not hasn't helped shift that that negative thought is thinking like, well, what would I say if my best friend was saying this to me? Um, I think it's really important because actually most of the time you would never say the things that you say to yourself to anybody else. We're so hard on ourselves, and it's about giving yourself that compassion and going, actually, right, okay, maybe I didn't do that to the best of my abilities, but if we look at all the things that are happening actually, it's amazing that I've done anything in this at the beginning.

Yeah, we are so like self-critical, aren't we? And we're always putting ourselves down. And but it's like what you said there, that literally, like, I was thinking, yeah, that's totally true. You wouldn't say something like that to your best friend. You wouldn't say that to a family member or even your partner. So why do we say it to ourselves? We are really, really negative on ourselves and we don't have much self-belief as a humanity, do we?

Would you even say it to your worst enemy though, either? I think sometimes it's not even like what you wouldn't say to your friend, you wouldn't say to anyone. But we seem to think that, okay, it's okay to, to treat ourselves in that way, and actually, no, it's not.

Yeah. So what, what does your morning routine look like then? Because I mean, most people deal with self-care in the morning, so I'm just assuming that you do as well. But what kind of does your self-care routine look like? Do you kind of see that as, you know, like skincare? Do you see it as going outside and meditating? Um, do you have a half an hour in the bath, like child-free, before they get up in the morning? 4 AM, probably, if you've got kids. But what kind of your routine?

My morning routine is chaos. No, so basically, it's usually that the kids wake up before me. And then, so this morning, so we got in, we've been in London yesterday and got in just after midnight, which is very late for us. And then Evie woke up at 2, but then she came into bed and had a little sleep with me. So then she didn't wake up till late. And obviously I'd booked today off work, so it was It's a different morning. But what I tend to do is when they wake up, I'll go downstairs, I'll leave them with Ed, and I'll go and have my breakfast and I'll sit there and I'll just have a little bit of a quiet time before it all begins. I use my Elemis products, like, so I have like a face wash and stuff, and that always makes me feel like I've been pampered, even if I'm actually just rushing. And my nice, uh, Sanctuary shower gel, you know, just because I don't want to save things for best. Why, why, why not? It's just, it's a shower gel.

I'm terrible for that as well. And it wasn't until like I joined the book club, we were doing a book in Fran's Book Club once over, and it was kind of like, I think it was on about significant upgrades or something, and it was like saying, why do we save our best candle or our best cream or, you know, our best dress or even best like china in the cupboards, do you know what I mean? Like for, for like using them as plates, why do we save them best? Why not like experience the joy that they bring all year round? And something is funny because when we, uh, were at that event in March, I remember saying to you, your skin is absolutely amazing. And it was just so like full and like it looks like full of collagen and it's so smooth. And I remember saying, yeah, what are you using? You were like, Elemis. And I was like, oh, fancy bitch, you know what I mean? I was thinking, good for you that you can afford that and stuff. But then I thought, actually, no, like why keep buying like little crappy creams and stuff like that when you can buy one good cream and it'll do the job. I always say like, buy cheap, buy twice. Do you know what I mean? Because I could buy the cheapest pair of trainers and I'll wear them to death and a month later I've got to replace them.

Yeah, no, so obviously there's various tricks on this, but Prime Day on Amazon you can usually get about 40% off. Um, but, uh, yeah, no, it does actually last so long, um, because you need a tiny bit because it's such good quality, um, But yeah, I definitely recommend Elemis. Um, not that I'm a beautician or endorse or recommend, but you know, if you're listening, Elemis, I'm here for it. Um, um, but it is because it makes you feel— it just, it makes you feel abundant.

Yeah.

And you know, and now I like— family know that if they're gonna get me a Christmas present, they'll get me my Sanctuary shower gel that I really like, and I'll have like loads of them and then I kind of go through that and then next time it's another birthday. Excellent. Stock up. But it just makes you feel, it's just so much nicer and you forget about the fact that it's the crack of dawn and you have to get up and you're doing bits and pieces. And then I've got a half an hour drive to work and so I put on a podcast, very often Candy Crystals. The kids just sit in the back. They get, they get self-developed from a young age. So that's kind of my routine. And then when I get to work, there's like, I drop the kids off at nursery, they're at nursery at the hospital, and there's a little tranquility garden that was refreshed during COVID And so again, sit in there and have just a little breather from transitioning from mum to work me. So definitely that. And if I'm going to journal, it'll be in the evening.

Lush. I was going to say, like, I wondered if, if you did any journaling or anything like that.

Um, I would love to do it daily, but it doesn't always happen daily. But yeah, it's a, it's a kind of pre-bed wind down.

And then, um, yeah, I think a lot of people tend to do that as well because I find that journaling for me personally works best in the morning. But I think some people like to do it at night to kind of clear their mind before they go to bed. So it's kind of, they're scripting out what happened through the day, what they were grateful for, uh, what opportunities they had. And you know what I mean, doing their gratitude list last thing at night. Because then they can go to bed and they're like, ah, it's kind of a problem shared is a problem halved kind of thing. And they're just like, oh, I can go to bed and relax now and go to sleep. So, um, yeah, there's a lot of people journaling late at night. So it's not just yourself.

It also, like, it's just a really nice thing because you can kind of get to the end of the day and feel a little bit like, oh, I haven't done this and that. And then actually, when you sit there and think about it, you're like, actually, I've done all this other stuff. And It's been— and I'm grateful for this. And it just kind of gives you—

it's just a nice place mentally to go to sleep in, in a kind of, you know, like how our world at the minute, we often emphasize like external validation, don't we? So how can we kind of develop that strong sense of self-worth and kind of just love ourselves unconditionally? Because it's all right you saying to someone, oh, you just need to love yourself more, but how do we physically get into that? How do we embody self-love.

Yeah, it's— do you know what, I had a conversation the other day with somebody, um, and they'd said something about they were going for multiple academic achievements and they'd achieved so many things. And I said, well, when does it get enough? And she's like, I don't know, I think I'm just going to keep on, I'm going to keep on having to find things. And I was like, and it is, it's so common, isn't it, um, that you're just constantly striving. And I think part of it is that we attach ourselves to labels So, you know, when we introduce ourselves, we're— it's like, I'm Claudia, I'm a nurse, I'm a self-love coach, I'm a mum, all of these things. And whether, you know, it's, you know, you could introduce yourself as a partner to somebody, but how often do we introduce ourselves saying, I'm Claudia and I love cross-stitching, or whatever it is? Um, because I think that's the thing, isn't it? I don't know about you, if you think about when you introducing yourself to people.

Yeah, and I mean, it's a big one for me, identity, because when I worked in mental health, I was, um, working in a recovery college, and that's basically helping people, um, see outside of their diagnoses. So there was like 5 main factors. It was to kind of make people feel connected to other people, to, um, give them hope that tomorrow would be a better day, to give them identity away from their diagnoses to give them meaning in their life and to empower them. So it's called Chime. Um, but I for identity and giving them an identity away from their diagnoses, that's— that, that was really a big one because like you've seen, we don't often, um, identify ourselves other than what the main one is. So if I say, oh, I'm Mart— I'm a— I don't even know what I refer to myself as. I mean, when we were at that event, people were saying, what do you do? And I went, those hell crystals. And that was literally all that kept coming up. And I was like, well, no, I'm actually a well-being coach. You know, like, I, I do all this stuff online. I'm a podcaster. I'm now an author, do you know what I mean? And I was like, I've actually got loads of hats, but I'm always just— I'm Mart, I sell crystals. But it's like, in mental health, for example, it's always like, oh, I'm Martin and I've got depression, or I'm Martin and I've got schizophrenia, or I'm Martin, I've got psychosis, do you know what I mean? So I think having that identity away is giving ourselves that compassion, and we need that self-love to kind of give ourselves an identity away from that. Do you agree? Absolutely.

And I think going back to motherhood, when you go to these baby groups, you, they don't even learn your name. You're like, you're so-and-so's mummy. You know, it's literally like, yeah, you'll find this. You'll find this when you get yours. You'll be, Daddy! And it's like, no, I'm not your daddy. Because you'll have like grown adults just coming up to you and be like, oh, You're Jake's daddy. And you'll be like, no, I'm Mart Tweedy. Yes, I am Jake's daddy. But, and it is, it's so easy just, and everyone, the minute you get pregnant, people stop asking you how you are. They're like, so how's baby? How's pregnancy? It's like you cease to exist. It's like you're cut off. It's just like you're just basically a walking womb.

And I was going to say, you're just a breeding machine really, weren't you?

Yeah, basically.

Yeah.

And, um, and similarly, like, you know, with women and who've had like quite traumatic deliveries and things, people are like, but the baby's fine. Yes, I'm very grateful for that, but I'm broken and I need a bit of restoration here as well. Um, and so for me, I'm really passionate about making sure that people don't dismiss that and acknowledge it and say, look, this happened and I need some support with this, but not making that their identity.

Yeah, yeah, it's a massive thing, isn't it, not making it their identity so that it's not defining them as a person and a human being, because we are so much more than just our identity, aren't we?

It's like when your Instagram handle is like, so I have a chronic pain condition, and they say if I've made my Instagram handle about that, that would be what everyone would focus on, and that would be the thing, when actually it's just an aside. Yes, it impacts my daily life, but actually it's not going to define me. My definition.

And that would be okay, say, for example, you had a charity or something that you would raise an awareness for, but you don't want it to physically define who you are as a person, who your business is, because that's just a part of who you are. It has implications, obviously, on a day-to-day basis, but it doesn't define who you are as a person, as a whole.

So, like, my definition, say, me, be like, hi, I'm Kaja. As you've noticed, I'm pretty chatty.

I like to talk.

I like to meet new people. It's about those— it's about bringing your identity back to you and not thinking, all right, well, I do this as a job, or I have this role in society, or whatever it is, or I have this disease. And in healthcare, we've obviously moved away from referring to people who are like diabetic patient and be a patient who has diabetes. You know, it's like that we're shifting very much on a societal level to moving away from that, and I think we just need to catch up.

So how does kind of self-love kind of intersect with like other aspects of our lives, such as, you know, relationships? We've talked about relationships a bit, but how does it kind of— how does it intersect with like our careers and our personal growth? Like, how can we bring about that self-love when we've got like a hectic, busy life, for example?

It is such a good question. Um, so when one of my clients was going through the 12-week, um, one-to-one program, um, basically they actually had 2 promotions in that time. But yeah, um, their like relationship with their other half massively improved because they were able to advocate for their needs. Because how often has your partner said to you, how are you feeling? You're like, I'm fine, when actually you're not. You're really irritated. They've wound you up. And you've said you're fine, but actually then you're going slamming, slamming doors and whatever else because you're like, they don't know, they don't know what they've done wrong. Well, you haven't told them. So part of it is having that confidence within yourself to say, actually, this is why I'm not feeling very well and this is what I'd like you to do. And then that basically makes your relationship better because both of you actually talking to each other properly, not like, oh yeah, I'm fine. 'Oh, he doesn't get me,' or 'She doesn't get me,' or 'They don't get me,' whoever, whatever the situation is. But with career, this, the situation that my client had was that there was a colleague at work that was constantly offloading their work on them. And so she was spending all of her time doing their work and therefore not doing her own work because she didn't want to say no. So she started putting these gentle boundaries in place politely, respectfully, not in a way that would get in trouble, but actually just saying, well, I don't have time to do that right now, I'm doing this, but I can do it next week. And then they'd go away and do it. And so she— and then actually also, um, standing up and saying if someone was taking credit for her work, so actually, that, that was me. Um, and so yes, that's how it led to those promotions and then obviously pay rises. And yeah, and just, you could just see the change throughout, um, her journey. And so it seems like it is just in one part of your life, but actually it ripples out. It's like that kind of ripple effect that it just, it goes everywhere. And it's about how you interact. And I'm like very conscious about the message I'm giving to my children as well. You know, actually we should talk about our feelings and we should talk about how things are impacting us. And feel safe to be able to do that and not feel like we have to go, yeah, everything's fine. Oh, I'm okay. I won't cry. No, actually, no, it's good. It's good to have emotions. We have emotions.

It's good to have emotions. I mean, if we don't, we just bottle everything up inside. It's like what we were saying earlier about stiff upper lip. I think even going through the adoption process, I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking about this, but basically in the training we went through child brain development and things like that. And why kids act the way that they do and what mental health conditions they have and that kind of thing. And I think it all just puts everything into perspective that we do need to talk and we do need to have that self-love and that self-compassion to allow everything to be spoke about. Because I remember bringing it up to my Nana, for example, last week, and I'd said, well, what would you do in this certain circumstance if this child came to you and said they were suffering with X, Y, and Z? And she said, well, I tell them to get on with it. And I was like, but you don't do that these days. Like, in the olden days, yeah, it was stiff upper lip, like you say, and just put your head held high and carry on. But that's when you end up getting worse inside because you internalize and everything. And like I say, it's not a problem shared, problem halved, because you literally got the entire thing going around in your head day in, day out. And as you were telling that story about that lady who got two promotions, I wrote it down here. Self-love radiates outwards. And I thought, that is exactly what— because she's practiced that self-love and that has then radiated outwards, and other people have been like, she's amazing, let's promote her. Do you know what I mean? So it does, it spreads, it radiates outwards.

Yeah. And like, she wanted to go on annual leave, and her colleagues were like, oh my God, we're gonna miss you so much because you're just bringing everybody up. Um, and so it was, it was so visible. It wasn't that she was going and telling all and sundry that's what she was doing. But they'd noticed these changes. They'd like, wow, you've completely transformed and we don't want you to go on holiday because we're going to miss you like our daily dose. So yeah, it does. It absolutely radiates and it's so important.

So Claudia, where can people find you online? Are you on Instagram, TikTok? Where can people find you?

So I am on Instagram. Facebook. I have a, um, free Facebook group as well if people want to join. Um, yes, you must do. Um, and I'm on Pinterest, I'm on LinkedIn. I'm not on TikTok and I'm not on Twitter. Well, I am.

TikTok is massive for self-love. There's loads of self-love advocates on there. You need to get yourself on.

I know, I know. I need to stop shying away from video. You do.

What I'll do is I'll pop all of your links in the show notes below as well, so that everyone who is interested in going to get to know about Claudia and her self-love journey and the Leading Lady Academy, they can find all the links in the show notes.

Before I go, I have a, a special offer for any of your listeners.

Amazing.

They send me a message on either Instagram or Facebook or send me an email, um, I will give them a discount. I won't put the details here so I don't want it to expire. But yeah, if they just get me a message, I'll give them a discount on any of the products that I offer. If they just say that they've listened to this podcast.

Yeah. If you just mentioned that you listen to Connie Crystal's podcast and drop Claudia a message, then you get a lovely discount. Well done. Thank you so much, Claudia. Thank you so much for being on the show. I really do appreciate it.

It's amazing.

Love it. And for everyone else listening, like I say, feel free to click on the links to go and visit Claudia. And I will see you all next Friday for another episode of Canny Crystals, the podcast. Thanks very much, guys. Bye.

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