165: From self-sabotage to self-empowerment

Hello everyone, and thank you so much for listening again this week. My name is Mart, I'm your host, and can you believe we've only got 3 episodes left of 2024? Now, this is the point of the year where most people will just give up on their goals. Just because, you know, they're in Christmas mode, or they just think, ah, never mind, I'll just wait until January now to start with me new goals. And I'm here to tell you today that December counts just as much and is probably just as important as any other month. So this is the point of the year when, you know, that self-sabotage tends to kick in and we end up in a downward spiral of negativity. So you might not have achieved everything that you wanted to in the last 12 months, And believe me, that is okay. So I wanted to talk today about negative cycles and self-sabotage itself, especially in terms of manifesting what you want. Because, you know, let's get real, we've all had those moments where it feels like, you know, life is just stuck on repeat, but not in the good way. Because negative cycles are those little loops that we find ourselves in where the same unhelpful thoughts and behaviors or habits, they just keep cropping up like a bad rerun. You know the drill, you want to get ahead, but something just keeps pulling you back to square one. So imagine this for a second. You are determined to save money, but every time payday comes around, you start splurging on stuff that you don't need. Like, hello, late-night online shopping. And you end up broke before the week is out. If that sounds familiar, I feel you. Honestly, I used to be in that negative cycle. But that itself is a negative cycle. It's when your actions and your decisions, they keep leading you to the same frustrating outcome, even though deep down you actually want something different. So negative cycles aren't just about behavior. Behaviors. They start in your thoughts. So if you're constantly telling yourself, I'm not good enough, or I'll never succeed, those thoughts are going to become beliefs, and then those beliefs are going to then shape your actions. And before you know it, you are going to be caught in a spiral of self-doubt, frustration, and everything else. Okay, so why do we get stuck, and why is it so hard to break free? Well, it all comes down to two main culprits. So the first is psychology, and the second is energy. So on a psychological level, we tend to cling to whatever feels familiar, even if it's not good for us. Your brain loves that predictability, so it kind of creates patterns based on past experiences. So if you've always felt unworthy, your mind will automatically default to that belief because it's what it already knows. It's kind of like a survival mechanism, but it can keep you stuck. Now energetically, think about it this way. You attract what you emit. So if you're stuck in a loop of negativity, your energy is gonna vibrate at a low frequency, making it harder to draw in the things that you actually want. It's like trying to tune into your favorite radio station but being stuck on that static, okay? So here's a simple trick that you can do to start breaking out of a negative cycle, and it's actually quite easy to do. It is pattern interruption, okay? So it just means disrupting the usual flow of your thoughts and behaviors before they can actually spiral. So the next time that you notice yourself falling into that same routine, like, I don't know, reaching for your phone to do some online shopping, just pause and just ask yourself, what am I actually feeling right now? Because when you name the emotion behind the action, maybe it might be boredom or stress, when you name that emotion, it can help you address the root cause instead of just reacting. So it might be stress that's caused you to do that. It might be boredom. Do you know what I'm saying? So let's go back to our money-saving example. So say you want to save for a holiday, but every month you end up spending your savings on impulse buys. And then one day you decide to interrupt your cycle. So you notice that your urge to shop flares up when you're stressed from work. So instead of hitting that buy now button, you just try a 5-minute breathing exercise instead. And it's awkward at first, but it works, and you feel calmer. You no longer crave that temporary high of the shopping., and then over time that small shift will help you to break that pattern and you'll finally be able to book that dream holiday. So when you recognize the negative cycle and you understand why it actually happens and you use a simple tool like pattern interruption, you can then begin to break free. The key is self-awareness here, and it's, it's all about taking those small intentional steps just to shift your thoughts and your behaviors. And trust me, you can do this, okay? So I want to go a little bit deeper on this, so I'm going to talk about self-sabotage as well, because self-sabotage is that kind of sneaky little gremlin that just lives in our minds, and it's always tripping us up when we're just about to make progress. I'm one of the worst people for self-sabotage, but it's all about when you actively or subconsciously do things that block your own success or block your own happiness. It's kind of like a little voice in your head that's saying, "You can't do this." "Or why do you want to even bother trying? It's not going to work out anyway." So the kicker is that it's almost always rooted in fear, okay? It's always rooted in those limiting beliefs or low self-worth. For example, let's say you're working on manifesting a promotion at work. Deep down you want the job. Yeah, of course you do. But a part of you is afraid that you're not good enough for it. So maybe you might think, you know, "What if I get it and I'm crap at it?" I'll be humiliated. What if I get it and I fail? This is just so embarrassing. So that fear is going to create resistance, and instead of showing up as your best self, you'll then start procrastinating. You'll start missing deadlines or doubting yourselves in meetings, and then bam, self-sabotage will strike again. Okay, so it often stems from a kind of a protective mechanism. So it's your brain's way of trying to keep you safe from potential disappointment or failure. But the reality is it's not keeping you safe, it's keeping you small. That's what it's doing. So if we think of this in terms of manifestation, manifestation relies on alignment between your thoughts, your beliefs, your emotions, and your actions. So if even just one piece is out of sync, it's like, you know, trying to row a boat upstream. You're putting in all this effort, but the current, you know, your energy, is actually pulling you in the opposite direction. So when you're stuck in that self-sabotage mode, your desires, your beliefs, they're on totally different frequencies. You might consciously be saying, "I want financial abundance," but if you secretly believe, you know, "I don't deserve wealth," your energy is just sending out mixed signals to the universe. It's like ordering a pizza but not telling them what toppings you want and then being disappointed when it actually arrives, or giving them a random address and just say, "Oh, I live in Newcastle." How are they supposed to find you? Self-sabotage just creates an energetic disconnect. So your actions, they're often driven by fear or unworthiness, and they block the flow of positive energy that's needed to attract what you're actually manifesting. So it's not that the universe doesn't want to deliver it to you, it's just that you're not in a state to receive. So I've got another tip that can help you to overcome that self-sabotage, and it's to rewrite your beliefs. So I just want you to take a moment, either today, this weekend, whenever you feel like it, just to write down one thing that you're trying to manifest and the belief that is actually blocking you. For example, if you're trying to manifest a loving, healthy relationship, your limiting belief might be, "I'm not worthy of love." But what I want you to do is I want you to take that, "I'm not worthy of love," and I want you to flip the script. I want you to turn that limiting belief into a positive affirmation like, "I am deeply worthy of love and connection." And I want you to start saying it daily. I want you to write it in your journal. I want you to write it on a sticky note and put it on the mirror in your bathroom. The more that you rewire your beliefs, the more aligned your energy becomes with your desires. So if we go back to 2021 when I was dreaming of starting my own business, every time I made any form of progress, I just got stuck. And one day I realized that my self-sabotage stemmed from a childhood belief that success is selfish. So instead of pushing forward, I unconsciously stalled. So I would avoid emails, I would skip meetings that were really important. I would doubt every decision that I made. And once I identified that root of me self-sabotage, I just worked to rewrite me story. So I created a new belief and I kept on affirming to meself that success allows me to help others. And slowly but surely, my actions began to align with that new mindset. So I ended up stopping procrastinating. I took some bold steps forward, and eventually me business took off. The bottom line here is that, you know, self-sabotage doesn't mean that you're broken or incapable. It's simply a signpost pointing you to where the healing and the growth are needed. So recognizing that is the first step. Shifting your beliefs is where the magic happens. And I think while we're on this, I want to talk about recognizing your triggers as well, because, you know, think of it like this: triggers are like road signs that are kind of pointing you towards your negative cycles. So they are all the situations, the people, the emotions that kind of spark those behaviors and thoughts that you're trying to avoid. So when you recognize those triggers, That's the first step to breaking free because you can't change what you don't notice. So think about this. Do you tend to overspend when you're stressed? Because I do. I get really, really stressed and I go on an online shopping spree at like 3 o'clock in the morning. Do you ever procrastinate when you feel overwhelmed? I do. I do it all the time. Yesterday I did barely any work. I kept going from emails to social media to looking at me new book to, you know, just flitting around the house. And I didn't really get any particular tasks done. Or maybe you just shut down emotionally when you're faced with conflict. These are all examples of triggers at work. They just create a reaction that feels automatic, but it doesn't have to be because there's such an easy way to spot your triggers. So I want you to keep a trigger journal for a week. So every time that you feel this wave of negativity or you notice yourself slipping into unhelpful habits, just jot down what was happening right before. And then over time, you'll see that patterns will start to emerge, like was it a tough conversation at work? Was it seeing someone's perfect life on social media? Because, you know, that can be quite triggering as well. But by tracking those moments, you'll start to uncover what's actually setting off those negative cycles. And once you've identified your triggers, the next step is to look for the patterns that they create. These patterns are like well-worn paths that your brain loves to take because they're familiar, and they love familiarity. So they might look like procrastination when you're scared of failure, or turning to comfort food when you're lonely, or avoiding important conversations out of fear or rejection. One example that springs to mind straight away is when I was trying to write my book. Obviously, I've had the last 10 months to write my book, but every time I designated myself that time to just sit down and write, I suddenly would remember something else I needed to do. And I say needed in inverted commas. So it would either be laundry or, you know, emails, or sometimes I would even start cleaning the fridge for no reason. And when I started reflecting on that pattern, I kind of realized it's not about being busy, it was about being afraid. I was just afraid that me writing wouldn't be good enough or that I'll be judged if I finish it. And when I started recognizing that pattern, I started to disrupt it. So what I would do is I would set myself a timer for 20 minutes every day and just tell myself, you know, I don't have to be perfect, I just have to make a start. And that small shift created a momentum, and eventually I was writing consistently. And guess what? I finished me book. I got there in the end, but it was hard. And it was hard because I kept on procrastinating because I was scared of putting this book out into the world. Does that kind of make sense? So I've got a tip that is, you know, a quick and powerful exercise that will really help you to break those patterns. So I want you to name your trigger and your typical response and then choose a new response. So the trigger might be a stressful work email, okay? The old response to that might be, you know, immediately spiraling into overthinking or self-doubt. The new response to that might be when you get a stressful work email that you sit, you take 3 deep breaths, and then you write a calm, confident reply. That little exercise is just going to help you pause. It's just going to help you consciously choose a better action instead of reacting on autopilot. So it's about creating those small intentional shifts that will add up over time because triggers and patterns might seem like roadblocks, but they're actually guideposts. They show you what you need to focus your energy on to create that change. So just keep an eye out for them in life, just start rewriting your story because you're in control. And this is all mindset, by the way, because, you know, breaking out of a negative cycle, it starts with the way that you think. And the good news is that your mind is incredibly adaptable. You just need to teach it new, healthier patterns. So think of it like upgrading the software on your phone. You're just removing those old glitchy programs, you know, the negative thought patterns, and you're replacing them with ones that actually work for you. And trust me, I know I said it earlier, but self-awareness is like a superpower when it comes to breaking negative cycles. It's just about noticing your thoughts and your feelings and your behaviors in the moment, but without judgment. So it's kind of like a form of mindfulness, because when you're aware, you can start to interrupt the cycle before it actually takes over. Because once it's took over, it's hard to get back out of that negative cycle. So one great way to build that self-awareness is through mindfulness. You don't need to sit cross-legged for hours. You don't need to meditate. You just need to take a couple of minutes a day just to pause and just to tune into your thoughts. You could ask yourself kind of like, you know, what am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling this way? Is this feeling helping me or holding me back? Now, something that Cheryl Cole said a few years ago— if you don't know Cheryl Cole, she was in a girl band, um, she was on Popstars: The Rivals years ago, it was a TV talent show— she once said something. She said, you know, I don't let things bother me because when I feel those emotions and I feel those behaviors starting to kick in, I close my eyes and I ask myself, will this situation matter in one year's time? Now, if the answer is no to that question, she says she doesn't let it bother her. And I often find myself, you know, catching those emotions and then thinking, will this matter in a year's time? And most of the time, I'd say 99% of the time in fact, the answer is no. So I just don't let it bother me. I just think, well, you know, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, if it happens. That simple practice will just help you to catch those, you know, self-destructive thoughts before they spiral out of control. But you know, sometimes we do need to do that inner work because sometimes breaking a negative cycle, it requires deeper work. This is where exploring your past experiences or shadow work comes in. I've done an episode all about shadow work before. If you haven't listened to it, go back and listen. Um, negative cycles will often stem from unresolved emotions or beliefs that are formed in childhood. So maybe you were told that you'd never amount to anything. Or you experienced a loss that left you feeling unsafe. That inner work just involves identifying these wounds and gently healing them. So journaling can be such a powerful tool for this. Try writing about the earliest memory that you have related to that current struggle, like what did you feel back then? What belief did you form in that moment? When you bring those old stories to light, you can then start to release the hold on you, and it kind of all comes back to self-love as well, because you can't break a negative cycle without self-love. Think about it. How can you expect to thrive if you are constantly criticizing yourself? That self-compassion, that's the foundation for change because it creates a safe, supportive environment for you to grow. Self-love doesn't mean pretending that everything is perfect, you know, it just means accepting yourself as you are, the flaws and all, but also recognizing that you have the worthiness to improve and thrive. Now, when you slip up, because let's face it, we all do, Self-love will tell you, you know, it's okay, you're human, let's try again. That mindset will keep you moving forward instead of spiraling into guilt or shame. Now, a simple way to start practicing self-compassion is to just talk to yourself like you would a friend. So if a friend came to you feeling defeated, would you tell them, well, you messed up again, you're hopeless? Of course you wouldn't. You wouldn't do that to your friends. You'd encourage them, you'd remind them of their strengths, you'd help them to get back on track. So why don't we do the same for ourselves? We really need to start being as forgiving with ourselves as we are with other people, because forgiveness is like hitting that reset button. So when you're stuck in a negative cycle, it's easy to carry that guilt and that shame for past mistakes. But here's the thing: holding on to that guilt will only keep you stuck. Forgiveness is the act of letting go so you can move forward. So I want you to think of it like carrying a backpack full of heavy rocks or stones. Every one of those stones is going to represent a regret or a mistake that you just haven't forgiven yourself for, and the longer you carry that backpack, the more exhausted you're going to feel. So forgiveness is about taking those stones out one by one until you're light enough to keep on climbing. So acknowledge the mistake, say it out loud, write it down, accept what happened without judgment, reflect on what you've learned. You know, every mistake comes with a lesson. Ask yourself, what did this teach me about myself on my journey? And then release the guilt. You can do this through a ritual like writing the mistake on a piece of paper and burning it, or simply saying, I forgive myself for this. Something I like to do that I find is quite effective is mirror talk. So most mornings I stand in front of a mirror while I'm brushing my teeth. I look myself in the eye and I just say 3 affirmations. I'll say, I'm worthy of love and happiness. I forgive myself for past mistakes. And I am capable of creating a life that I love. Now, at first it might feel awkward. Sometimes it might even feel emotional if you're staring deep into your own eyes. But the more that you do it, the more natural it'll become. And that daily practice just rewires your brain to see yourself in a kinder, more positive light. Because the truth is, self-love and forgiveness, they aren't just feel-good buzzwords. They are powerful tools for transformation. When you start to treat yourself with compassion, and you release the weight of the guilt, you can then create space for your energy to rise, your mindset to shift, and your manifestations to flow. So give yourself the grace to move forward. Breaking negative cycles and self-sabotage isn't just about making that one huge change overnight. It is honestly about those small, consistent actions that build momentum. I've said it once and I'll say it a million times, consistency is always key. Daily rituals are your secret weapon here. They are going to provide you with structure. They're going to anchor your mindset. They are going to ultimately keep you aligned with your goals and intentions. Plus, they're a way to show up for yourself every single day. So think of a ritual as your daily act of self-love. It could be as simple as just starting your morning with 5 minutes of gratitude, or meditating to set the tone for the day, or writing down just one step that you'll take towards your goals. That key is consistency. If you're working on manifesting confidence, your ritual could involve writing and repeating affirmations like "I am confident, capable." "I am deserving of success." That kind of thing. Doing this daily will just rewire your brain to adopt those beliefs as your new reality. Now I want to take this a little step further and go a little bit woo-woo because, you know, sometimes breaking free from negative cycles, it just requires an energetic reset. So think of this like clearing out the cobwebs in your space, but only here you're decluttering your energy field. So energetic blocks often show up as feeling stuck, or heavy, or unable to be moving forward despite your best efforts. So one simple ritual that I love for clearing my energy is just smoke cleansing. I'll grab myself some incense or a sage stick, or you can even use like a Tibetan singing bowl if you prefer, and just intentionally cleanse your space. And as that smoke or sound fills the air, just imagine it lifting away any negativity, any self-doubt or resistance that has been holding you back. And you can even pair this with a mantra like, "I release what no longer serves me," and "I make space for new possibilities." You can even incorporate crystals into your daily life. So black tourmaline or amethyst, they can help to ground your energy and clear that negativity, while citrine or clear quartz will help to, you know, amplify positivity and focus. You could just keep one in your pocket or your bra, or meditate with it daily during your ritual just to infuse your energy with those supportive vibrations. So whenever I just need to like ground my energy, I'll pause, I'll breathe. So I'll take like 3 deep breaths just to center myself. Then I'll set myself an intention. So I'll write down one positive thought or goal for the day ahead, and then I go ahead into that day acting with purpose. So I just choose one small action that aligns with that intention. So if my goal is self-care, for example, I might take a 5-minute walk or I might just sip a cup of tea mindfully. This is going to be different for every single person depending on what your intention for the day is, but the beauty of this ritual is its flexibility. You can tailor it to any specific goals, whether they're related to manifesting abundance, finding love, or simply just feeling more present. Practical tools and rituals don't just break negative cycles, they transform your energy, they create focus, and they bring clarity to your journey. So when you commit to even just one small daily practice, you're sending that powerful signal to the universe that you are ready for change. And trust me, the universe will answer. Because, you know, I've said this before, manifestation isn't just about thinking positive thoughts, it's about being in the energy of what you want to attract. So that means like acting as if your desires are already part of your life. So when you embody the energy of abundance or love or success, you are naturally aligning yourself with those frequencies, which makes it easier for the universe to deliver. For example, if you're manifesting confidence, start showing up as your most confident self now. Wear the outfit that makes you feel amazing. Speak up in meetings. Practice saying yes to opportunities that excite you, even if they do happen to, like, scare you a little. Raising your vibration doesn't have to be complicated. It can be as simple as just doing things that bring you joy, So dancing to your favorite song, spending time in nature, laughing with friends. High vibe energy is magnetic. It just draws in the very things that you're manifesting. But I want you to remember that you are so much more powerful than you realize. Like, every single thought that you think, every single action that you take, or every belief that you hold— these are the tools that you use to create your reality. And while it might be easy to feel stuck in a negative cycle, You and you alone have the power to break free and step into that life that you've always wanted. It just starts with taking ownership, you know, own your thoughts, own your emotions, own your energy even. This isn't about blaming yourself for where you are, it's about recognizing that you are the creator of your life. And the moment that you take responsibility, you will be able to take back your power. You'll stop waiting for circumstances to change and you'll start making the changes yourself. I mean, yeah, it's going to take some effort, and yeah, you'll probably have to confront some uncomfortable truths, but every small step forward is a win. So every time you choose a positive thought over a negative one, or every time you interrupt a self-sabotaging pattern, you are ultimately reclaiming a piece of your power. You don't have to have it all figured out today. Just decide that you're ready to make a change and let that decision spark the transformation. Okay, you might even want to start a win journal. So every day, write down 3 things that you did well or that you feel you're proud of, because they can be as small as, you know, I smiled at a stranger, or they could be as big as I completed a project at work. That practice is going to shift your focus from what's not working to what is working. That's going to build confidence and it's going to reinforce a positive mindset. So what I'm trying to say is just remember that breaking negative cycles isn't about perfection, it's more about progress. So every time you choose growth over fear, or every time you align your actions with your desires, you are then building momentum in your life. You don't have to tackle everything all at once. Just take one small intentional step today and let that step lead to the next, because ultimately you are capable, you're worthy, you are powerful beyond measure. Your past doesn't define your future. You have everything that you need within you to create a life that feels joyful, aligned, and abundant, basically. So Take back your power because it's ultimately yours to claim. So I hope that this episode helped you. If you've enjoyed this and you've got a lot out of it, please, please, please come to our incredible live event Manifest next year in Newcastle upon Tyne. I'll be joined on stage by a whole host of familiar faces as well as lots of other surprises as well. We've also got a holistic marketplace filled with podcast listeners and their little businesses as well. We've got workshops, the lot. If you can't attend face-to-face, you can also grab a virtual ticket. You can watch it back from the comfort of your own home. You can watch it live, or if you're busy that day, you can watch it back whenever you like. To be honest, you can secure your place right now at www.mani-fest.uk. We're just 6 months away now as well, so don't leave it to chance if you are wanting to come, because once those tickets are sold out, we can't just expand the venue capacity. So don't miss out, okay? Please rate, review, subscribe to this podcast if you've enjoyed it today. I really would appreciate it. Share and tag me in your stories listening. I'll share them on my profile as well. And don't forget, you can also still get 10% off of everything at cannycrystals.co.uk or self-development courses at cannycrystalsacademy.co.uk using your exclusive discount, which is the word podcast at checkout. So I hope that you all have a beautiful week ahead, and I will see you all next Friday for another episode. Speak soon, guys. Bye!