Why Am I Not Happy?

Welcome to the Clarity Corner, where you'll discover how to unlock and express the most authentic version of you and realize that this is exactly what you were looking for the entire time. I'm your host and your coach, Megan Siemens. Now let's make some magic happen. Hello, my friend. Welcome back to the Clarity Corner. I'm so jazzed, as always, to be hanging out with you. I need to look up some synonyms for jazzed. Excited, thrilled. I do feel all the things every time I pop in here on the mic in the earwaves with you. So thank you. I am sending so much gratitude through to you and may that overflow into your day and I hope that you are finding magic in your world as per usual. And Andrew and I just got back. Well, I guess it's been a little bit over a week since we've been back from a little adventure to the west coast of the US to see Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington. And it was truly such a divine, beautiful, fun trip in so many ways. But really, one thing it did was it reminded me of our original adventures. And if you're new around here, hi. I'm so glad you're here. And one of the first businesses I started was a travel blog with my now husband, Andrew. I still love saying that. And we started that back in 2016, truly, because we just had this mission to travel the world. It was fully fueled by that. After him and I had been dating long distance for several months was when we started it first, and we fell in love with this idea of travel and adventure. And so we started a travel blog with this big vision to set off and travel together. And that was really one of the first catalysts to the business I have now, the life I have now, the lifestyle him and I live together. And. And I think for so many people who are looking to create a life, that's more. That's what I work with a lot of my clients on. Like, I just feel this call towards more, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what the vehicle is to get me there. And sometimes I don't even know what more is. And prior to us starting this travel blog, I was definitely in that phase of I don't even know what this whole more thing is. But then from there, I knew that I wanted to travel. That was something I desired and it was something that ignited this spark in me that I hadn't known prior to that. And therefore, that started my first passion project, if you will. And I think so many of us Start our initial why with that external factor. And I teach in some of my workshops and with my clients, I teach about the four part why. And you know, if you haven't heard about your why, it's basically just the why behind what you're doing. And I have always loved the quote, when your why has heart, your action has wings. I truly believe if you're why lights you up, you will be able to move through things like your comfort zone, like doubt, like second guessing. And I think that our why has so many more parts than just one. Just like you as a human have so many more parts than just one. And I think that the why gets a lot of emphasis around, like, what's your service, what's your impact? You know, what's the mission you want to make? But we're all not actually motivated by that. I'm guessing that a lot of you listening to this podcast are motivated by some element of impact or serving others. That's a common theme with the people in my space, but it might not be. And you might not know what to do with that yet, especially if you've been behind the scenes or quote playing small. I don't know if I like that phrase anymore, but that's a conversation for another episode. And so what do we do with that if we don't know what our big mission is, or if that concept of that even scares us a little bit? You know, we're already trying to break a comfort zone by building something new. So the concept of having this big mission, this big impact, this big drive, that can feel really scary and it can cause us to do the opposite. And so one of the first elements of the why that I encourage and I invite people to begin with is what's the external why? Maybe for you it's travel like it was for me. Maybe for you it's family. Maybe for you it's a love of crocheting. Like, what is the external why that you want more of that you want more time for that you want to lean into a little bit more? And what if that could kick start your journey? What if that could kickstart you into something that you can't even imagine yet? Because I can tell you for sure, a hundred percent certainty, that when I started that travel blog back then, I had no idea that I was gonna become a life coach. I also started a jewelry company in between then and now. I had no idea what it was gonna evolve into. And so I encourage you to start with that external why and lean into what's bringing you joy, what's bringing you happiness? Which leads us to our topic today. For today's episode, that wasn't actually the topic, but as per usual, travel has inspired me. And today we're going to be talking about why am I not happy? This is a big question that is kind of underneath the surface for the clients that I work with, for the people in my community space. Why am I not happy? And you might not be phrasing it in that way, but underneath all of the goals, underneath all of the questions around, what is more and why am I craving more, underneath the desire to travel, underneath the desire to crochet more, underneath the desire to make more money, underneath every desire is a desire to be happy. And depending on how we're expressing that in a healthy or unhealthy way, we can be putting a lot of pressure on that. And we can be operating from the space of, like, why am I not happy yet? And, gosh, there's so much that can go into this. And I know a huge question that so many of my clients come to me with at some point during our time together is, my life is fine on the outside. My life is, in fact good on the outside. I have all the makings of a quote, good life, but why am I not feeling fully happy or fully fulfilled? And so I want to talk about that today. I want to talk about the four things you might be doing that are causing you to veer away from your own happiness and see what else comes up along the way, because that's how we roll around here. And I want to say, first of all, I want to just speak to that element that I was just talking about where if you're like, I have all of the things in life that are the makings of a good life, but I'm not fully happy. What's wrong with me? I want to say that nothing's wrong with you, and you can be both grateful for what you have while creating more at the same time. And guilt is not going to get you any closer to that. And so I hope that the four things that we move through today around why am I not happy yet? Can help you to lean out of that guilt and lean into alignment with your truest, core happiness. So, number one reason why you might not be fully happy is because you don't fully know you. You've got to be so rooted in you to experience true happiness. I would say a 50% or more of the work I do with clients is shedding stories that aren't theirs. So what does that actually mean, are you still operating from your upbringing? Are you still operating from stories that your parents learned from their parents or someone else or a caregiver that raised you? Are you still operating from these stories? Are you still operating from stories that teachers told you? Or if we zoom that out even more, quote, societal conditioning, meaning the kind of path of norm, the path of autopilot that we all just kind of fall in track with, are you still operating from these stories while trying to strive for more? Or it could even be stories that your friend group has or stories that your partner has. But the further you are away from you, the harder it will be to experience true happiness. Because what I believe is we don't all experience happiness in the same way. Sure, we all feel happiness and we can all be sparked by very similar things in happiness, but we're all going to have a different spectrum of happiness and we're all going to have different ways that happiness is sparked. And not to mention, we all just like navigate life in very different wavelengths on a day to day basis. And so, you know, something that would make you incredibly happy on one day because of something that happened earlier in the day doesn't make you feel the same amount of happiness, right? So there's just so many factors that go into it that don't mean we experience happiness all in the same way. And so the further you are away from yourself, the further you're going to be from feeling that happiness. In every chapter that there will be in life, there's going to be a lot of chapters in life, there's going to be a lot of evolutions. You know, I hear some people saying, like, oh, the, the past version of me or in a past life, or, gosh, that feels like forever ago. I'm a totally different person. Right? You're going to experience different iterations of you, but no matter what, no matter what the chapter is, no matter what you're experiencing in the chapter, you, you will be there. You will be the single constant in your life. If you think about all of the chapters you've gone through and how you've maybe been doing different things or you've been in different circumstances throughout all of those chapters in your life, what is the one constant? It is you. Other people might come and go out of your life, you might move, whether it's a small move or a big move, you might have new jobs. All of these other things in your life, ebb and flow, they can be temporary, you will always be there, and you might express things differently you will grow as you go, but you, you will always be there. And so you have to get to know you. You have to get to know what is your core way of operating, what are your core values? And so it's two tangible exercises for you. One, start to get to know your, quote, core essence. This could look several ways. This is really just getting to know the heart of you. Right. I love to use human design as a tool to come a little closer to yourself. I'll have where you can pull your human design chart in the show notes if you're brand new to that. Um, but also you can use something as simple as journaling writing to yourself. What do you need to hear today? What do you know about you? It's almost like dating yourself a little bit. And it can be so fun. I will, I mean, caveat that with. It can be a little bit scary too, if you've not spent a lot of time with yourself. And, you know, this is one of the reasons that working with a coach or a therapist or a mentor or guide, whatever it is, can be so powerful in re getting to know ourselves and reacquainting with ourselves, because they can offer that perspective of getting to know what stories are yours and. And what aren't yours. And then the second thing to tangibly do, besides getting to know your core essence, is getting to know your core values. Values are one of my favorite exercises to return to again and again and again. Your values are basically like pillars that show up in your life that you want to stay aligned with. And I like to actually write my values down and define them. And I find I come back to this often because, like I said, we're gonna evolve, we're gonna grow. And our values might evolve and grow as we go, but I do find that I have, like, two values that have stayed with me no matter what. And so I think it is a really beautiful anchoring exercise as you continue to get to know yourself deeper and deeper and deeper. And the more you get to know yourself, the closer to your happiness you can be, because your happiness is not going to exist in someone else's story. Okay, Number two reason that you might not be feeling close to that happiness that you desire is material fixes. Now, this sounds, I realize, incredibly counterintuitive to what I was sharing in the start of the episode in which I was saying, you know, start by finding that first external why, and now we're going to meet that with an attachment. So this is a big one, is I'm looking for happiness in Something else I'm looking for happiness. It's oftentimes presented as a, an if, if then statement, right? So if I make six figures, then I will be able to feel calm. If I hit the next level of income, then I'll be able to, you know, go on that vacation I've finally been waiting for and then I'll be happy. Right? All of these if then statements similar to what's underneath all of the goals and have a undercurrent of happiness, of seeking happiness underneath. And so when you place your happiness in material things that you are gonna reach in the external, I would say, I mean, I'll be bold and say a hundred percent of the time, but maybe we'll dial it back. Cause I'm not one that's big on the extremes. I would say 99% of the time, we'll, we'll dial it back to 99%. You're gonna be met with disappointment because your happiness only lives internal. I mean, just think about what happiness is. In her essence, happiness is a feeling. Happiness is an emotion that exists within. So yes, external things can spark. And we have to learn how to unattach our happiness from those external achievements. And so how willing am I to go after my desires and, and not make them mean anything about me? I'm going to repeat that again. How willing am I to go after my desires and not make them mean anything about me? There are so many expressions of this concept that we could go through. You know, I have seen and I have coached with clients time and time again who have reached these external goals. And they're like, oh, nothing's changed. And this really goes back to number one, because no matter what, no matter what chapter in life that you get to or start writing, that's a better way to put it, you will be there. And so if you're placing all of your happiness in an external goal, you're going to get there and you're going to realize, I'm still here. And all those things that were going on beneath the surface are still going on. And oftentimes they're amplified. We hear this a lot, expressed a lot with money goals. So you might have heard in the past, or maybe this is your first time hearing it now. Money is an amplifier. And I actually believe that to be really true. Money is an amplifier. Money can amplify immense joy, and money can also amplify immense sadness. This is another example of the placing happiness within material fixes and why it's not that they're out to take with your happiness. It's why you hear those things so often. Like when someone wins the lottery and then they like blow it all in a year or something horrible happens. Because money is an amplifier and you will be there when you hit that goal, right? You are still there. And so your happiness can't exist in these things. Number three. Number three reason that you. I don't know why I said it like that. Number three reason of why you are not happy is because you're forgetting one very key element of happiness and that is that happiness is a temporary feeling. You are a human, I believe. If you're not, this is real awkward. And maybe send me an email because I definitely want to chat with you a bit more about that. But you are a human and humans experience emotions and humans experience emotional waves. And that means that happiness is going to be a temporary feeling. And if you are making your happiness be that, it is going to be this overarching theme over your entire life and that you're going to have permanent happiness and you're going to feel happy all the time again, you're going to be met with disappointment because happiness is a temporary feeling. I think I've shared on here before a little bit about my grief journey. I There's no way I could have expected myself to be happy throughout my immense season of grief. And even now, still when grief comes to visit, I can't expect happiness to just take over. We have to learn to feel all of our feelings in order to experience happiness. There is a teaching out there. I don't know. I'll give Christine Hassler a shout out. I don't know if she was the original teacher of this, but she is who I learned it from. And that is that humans learn by contrast, right? So we wouldn't know light if we didn't know dark. We wouldn't know black if we didn't know white. And we wouldn't know happiness if we didn't know sadness. If we didn't have contrast, then everything would be neutral, everything would be flatlined. And you are not flatlined. You are going to continue to experience waves. And so not only do you have to know that happiness is a temporary feeling, but you have to get to know the contrasting feelings, which can be one of the uncomfortable parts of discovering your happiness. And also I would say, one of the most life affirming and freedom giving parts of getting to know your happiness. Because if you have been suppressing all of your emotions, there is so much freedom and openness when you start to get to Know them and you start to let them talk. Tangible exercise you can do with this one. One of my all time, favorite, favorite journal exercises to give my clients and something that I do over and over again is to let your emotions talk. This can be profoundly transformative if you are navigating an emotion that feels really stuck or feels like it has no reason. So it looks like this. Let's say you're feeling super frustrated, just grabbing a pen and paper and writing out. I'm feeling really frustrated. And if my frustration could talk, it would say, and just let yourself free. Write anything that comes out. No one is going to look at this. You can tear it up and throw it away after if you want. And you can do the same variation of that with your happiness. If my happiness could talk, it would say. And so that is the exercise I would encourage you to do after listening to this episode. If my happiness could talk, it would say, and just see what comes out. And if at first you need to write, if my happiness could talk, it would say, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Write that over and over and over again. If my happiness could talk, it would say, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. If my happiness could talk, it would say it wants me to and just let it flow. Just see what comes out. Just have an experiment with it. And above all, know that happiness will be a temporary feeling. And you can use that exercise to get to know some of your other emotions as well. Okay, and our fourth and final reason that you might not be feeling that full happiness, even though you want it so bad. And hey, we stuck to the four. We'll see if a bonus point comes out. Very impressed with that. So our number four is considering how are you actually nourishing your happiness? Are you just expecting happiness to come? Are you. Are you just spending time being frustrated that happiness is not here? How are you actually nourishing your happiness? Really consider that. And what does that actually mean? Are you being intentional with letting happiness into your life? Are you being intentional with opportunities for happiness to show up? I have an exercise that I often give out in my free workshops. I'm sure it's other places. I'm certain I've given it to a client. I believe a variation of it is in my book Balanced out, and it's one of my favorite exercises. I actually love doing this exercise and that is writing out 100 things in your life that make you happy. Not 99, not 98. Not 101. Get to a hundred and really challenge yourself to just see how many things spark that happiness. How many things in my life do I already have? These can be external things, these can be feelings, these can be moments, these can be people. And like, really consider all of the different areas you can think about of how am I nourishing my happiness in my life. And this can be a great way to see how there's already so many elements of happiness in your life and can tune you into that feeling of gratitude. And it can also be a great resource for you to have. If you feel like you're in a bit of a slump and you want to come back to your happiness, you can always look at it and see what's one thing you can tune into. This is also a super supportive exercise. If you feel like you've been caught in a victim mindset of like, poor me, why is this happening to me? Nothing ever works for me. If you find yourself caught in patterns like that, this is a great exercise for that. So those are our four elements for you to take a look at. If you're feeling like happiness is a stretch of happiness feels a little hard for you. And I know I give a lot of exercises and things to do, but just pick and choose what you're led towards. Pick and choose what you're called to. Maybe there was a certain element that really sparked you and you were like, ah, that, that was the, that was the thing that I needed. And just take action with that one thing. If you want to take action on all the things that were shared, amazing. And if it's just one thing for today, celebrate that as well. I hope that this was so supportive for you. I would love to hear from you. I'd love to hear from you on every episode. But happiness and sparking happiness and sparking joy is something that is so close to my heart for so many reasons. And I'm going to give you a little behind the scenes announcement that I have not shared publicly anywhere. So you are the first to hear. Lean on in. I am actually working on my next book. Yay. I feel like I need like round of applause sound effects right here. I'm just playing it in my head, so please play it with me. I'm very excited about it and so much of it is going to be around this concept of refinding your joy, not losing your joy. There will be so much more to be shared around this. But for now I'm going to leave you with that and I hope that you're excited for that to come with me. I am full beaming with smile and I'm full excited to bring it to the world because it's the world needs more of your joy. The world needs your happiness. The world needs your smile and we can feel it when you're in it. And so I can't wait more to come get excited with me. And for now I will tune out. And may you feel the happiness because it's written in your DNA. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you're ready to get unstuck and on with a joyful life, you're ready to be magnetically you in life, relationships, business and everything in between. I invite you to apply for coaching together. It all starts with a clarity call. If you thought this was magic, get ready to blow your mind through your own possibilities. Apply for coaching at megansemans.com forward/coaching.