Why You’re Not Taking Action (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)

Welcome, welcome my friends, to the Clarity Corner, which is remaining the Clarity corner for now. I had announced that there might be a podcast title change, but that title hasn't quite landed yet. I did a poll on my email and also Instagram recently. Maybe you voted. And it kept getting tied and it wasn't landing within my own system as well. And I think this is just an important reminder before we even dive into today's episode on making decisions, especially when we're making changes, that it's okay to decide you want to do something and change your mind. Always. It's always okay to do that and it's even okay to do that publicly. I know that can feel super scary to announce you're going to do something and then life happens and plans change or it's just not landing right. And I think I've been learning that lesson in many ways in my life recently, which may be another episode to come. But for now, I just want you all to know that it's safe to change your mind. It's safe to not know. Life isn't always as simple as a clear yes or a clear no. There is this very important middle ground between yes and no. And I think we should be more excited to play in that space because that's the space of possibilities. So I digress. Back to today's topic. Let me know if you want a full episode on more of that and changing your mind and decisions and letting yourself fail forward. But today we're going to dive into the topic of not taking action. The concept of feeling stuck, of not moving forward. And really what I want to talk about today is why that's not your fault. Often we think I'm stuck and then we go into a kind of self deprecating pattern. I'm stuck. And we shame ourselves for that. I haven't done anything and I feel guilty for that. I am a life coach in the work that I do. I'm a, I got trained as a life coach back in 202016 and action is really the name of the game around here. If you've never experienced life coaching or you don't know what it is, it's all about forward motion. And I think we'll have some more. Well, I know we'll have some more content coming on this soon, but action is the name of the game. And what my clients do is they cut timelines in half. Really even more than that. People come to me with things they've been thinking of for months, for years, and we've made it happen in Minutes, if not weeks. So way more than half. We basically quantum leap through timelines, for lack of a more cliched word. But it's really what it's the magic that the incredible humans in this space create. You know, I have a beautiful client who came to me with this idea for this book series and she was sitting on it for years and years and years and she created it, published it, and got it out into the world in less than three months working together and now she has a whole series and a whole business around it. I just recently did a session with a client who has always wanted to start a podcast and for, for years and after one single 30 minute session, got off, started, launched, published the podcast and is now doing regular episodes. I had another client who wanted to quit her job. For years she had just felt like the spark was no longer there. A lot of things changed. She just didn't even know how to get out. And we did a three month series together and she quit her job and found a new role that really deeply fulfilled her and allowed her to have more freedom and flexibility in so many things. I know what it is to be stuck. And I think often when we're looking at, quote, the wrong things to get unstuck and make no mistake, I have been there myself. I have been stuck spinning my wheels in the mud. And sometimes it does take that outside support to get us into motion. It's so cliche, but we can't read the label from the inside of the bottle. It's true. You know, sometimes cliches are overused and diluted. I find that one to be often very true. Because what do we do when we spiral inside of our own internal world? We live by that conditioning of like, oh, I've got it, I can do this, I can hold everything. And that's when we get overwhelmed. We are not designed to be overflow tanks. And so sometimes that external support, that perspective shift, is really what we need, whether it is with a coach or with a really trusted know inner circle. So by the end of this episode, we're going to gain a lot of clarity around why you're not taking action and then what to do about it. So hopefully I can be that external support today to help you get into motion. So I want to start with one of the most common beliefs that's out there. It's one of the most common approaches people kind of share and try to take when they're feeling stuck. Oftentimes people think something along the lines of, I just need more discipline or More willpower. It's all about just having that discipline and going. And if I push myself harder, if I just get more productive, I'm gonna get there. If I just push, push, push, do more, more and more, eventually I'm gonna get there. Or from the shame lens of things like, oh, if I just, you know, was more motivated, I'm so lazy. That's why I'm not moving. 1. This is a hyper masculine approach, which nothing wrong with masculine energy. We all have both feminine and masculine energy. Most of the people in this corner of the world are women. So this is a hyper masculine approach. And taken to the extreme is hyper masculine. Hyper masculine in itself is extreme. Right. It's not just a masculine approach of healthy masculine energy that can help you. It's a hyper masculine approach where you, you're pushing, ultimately leaning yourself into those shame patterns. And I talked a little bit about this concept in the Abundance Trap episode, which I know a lot of you all really resonated with. If I just do more and more and more, I'm going to make more, more and more. But really what we do when we get in this pattern outside of shaming, is we burn ourselves out. And it's not actually about doing more. It's about understanding what's stopping us at a different level. Because here's what happens. If we just push through and we're like, I'll just be disciplined and I'll just do it and I'll just do more, more. What happens is we might bring ourselves to an action step and then we burn out. And then we might bring ourselves to another action step, and then we burn out. And then we might bring ourselves to another action step, and then we burn out. We also tend to get ourselves stuck in a different way, so spinning our wheels in a different way. So, for example, if you're like, I'm not happy in my job and you have this pattern playing in the background of, well, I just need more discipline. I just need to push through like I should just be grateful. I feel like this is another lens that it takes on. Then we do more. We try to prove our worth and our role, and we burn out even harder. We tend to get even more bitter. So it's not about discipline. It's not about pushing. You have to find what's underneath the surface. What's actually stopping you here. What's actually the sand that's underneath your tires. You have to find the root cause of your inaction with what are you actually afraid of? Often, I would say nine times out of 10, the people in this space have some kind of fear of being seen. It might show up as the fear of being judged. It might show up as the fear of being misunderstood. It might even show up on the flip side of that as the fear of being successful. Which, again, could be a whole episode in itself, but. But basically an example of this. You're afraid that if you step out and you take the action that you want to take, others are going to see you. And if they see you, they might not like what you see. And this really speaks to a core survival wound that a lot of us can have. Sometimes we can make this fear seem silly, so then we end up shaming the fear. Shame is such a invasive quality that we can embody, but we'll shame the fear. We'll be like, oh, that's so silly. No one's gonna think that. Oh my gosh, why am I still. Why am I still worried about what other people are gonna think? But really, this is a survival fear that can pop up for us. We needed to be part of the collective to survive in our generational ancestral lines. We needed that. And so we can still feel that. So it can literally feel to our internal system that we are going to die if people don't accept us for what we are doing or how we are showing up. And that's not even counting. I mean, we're talking ancestral generational patterns. So many of us have wounding from showing up just in our childhood. And this fear can really show up in so many different ways. I always say our comfort zone wears masks, can show up as perfectionism, procrastination, overthinking. But really, this isn't about laziness. You know, back to that thought that we have earlier of, oh, if I just had more discipline, if I just had more motivation, then everything would be better. But this isn't about laziness. This isn't about you not wanting to do something. I'm guessing that that desire you have on your heart is something you actually want. It's a silly sounding assumption, but it is probably very true. The desire you have is something you want. It's not about laziness. It's not about, quote, not wanting it enough, which, oh, that thought in itself and the way that that thought can be used. We'll go down another rabbit hole if we go down that path. But it's not about laziness. This is fear disguising itself. This is your comfort zone. Wearing a mask. Your brain is perceiving exposure as a threat. When I put myself out there. Even if it's sharing an idea or taking a step towards your goals, your brain goes into protection mode because it perceives a potential rejection as dangerous. You know, this is even connected to what I was sharing at the beginning of the episode of Sometimes we can be so afraid to even put our ideas out there. Our concepts of, oh, I'm thinking about changing my podcast title, or I'm thinking about starting a podcast. And that can feel so scary because what if someone thinks it's a silly idea? What if I decide to go in a different direction and people think, oh, she's changing her mind again. All of these thoughts that come up. And so our brain goes into protection mode. So even if it's not taking the action, but just saying the thing we want to do, we immediately create a protection zone that keeps us in that stuck mode. And then what do we come back to? We come back to that advice that we hear over and over, just do more. Just do more. Just stay busy. Just go for it. Just do it. Think about the slogans that we have around us that say, just. Just make it happen. The myth of doing more, and how this constantly backfires on us. Doing more doesn't create safety in our system. It does the exact opposite. It actually rattles our system. It rattles our foundations, and it leads us into that state of overflow that I was talking about earlier. We are not designed to be overflow tanks. If you've ever pushed yourself to do more and you've still felt stuck, it's because you haven't created safety in your system first. What if instead of doing more, instead of just trying to go for it, to leap before you look. The key to taking action is to create internal safety first and actually find the clarity of what's really holding me back here. So let's talk about what that actually looks like. So let's say you are like my amazing client that wanted to publish a book series. The problem wasn't that she didn't want it bad enough. The problem wasn't that she didn't know what to do or how to do it. She had actually been researching it for years. She had a lot of the how. There was no. There was no secret that I gave her of how to make this happen. She actually had done so much of the research. Maybe you resonate with that. Maybe you have been thinking about doing something for years and you've been researching it and you can't stop reading about it. That's your excitement, by the way. In action you know the how, you know the first step to take. But what is the thing that's actually stopping you from doing it? What is the thought that's actually living in between? And really, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of? That is the most important question you can ask and be real with yourself on what am I actually afraid of here? And then how can I create safety within my internal system to support that? And that piece can be, quote, the hard part or the elusive part. It feels kind of like a, like, okay, that sounds great, but how do I actually do that? And the truth is, it's going to take practice. It's going to take flexing the muscle. I saw this great visual recently of someone explaining the programming that we create in our brain, and by the way, we create programming in our body as well. And he was actually carving on a piece of wood and showing. If you're using a small knife on a piece of wood and you're carving a line, it's going to take multiple strokes for you to get that really deep groove. And so it's finding what's going to create safety and then putting that on repeat, because that's all your comfort zone is. Your comfort zone is a fear that's repeated enough that it's become your normal. And so finding a piece that's going to give you safety and then playing that on repeat. I also think we need to shift our perspective from shame to understanding. This is that clarity piece, right? And I want you to hear this loud and clear. It is not your fault that you're not taking action. It's not your fault. This is where our shame comes in. Like, oh, I just need to do better. And we start to feel bad and we start to go into our comparison mode. What if your fear was simply a part of you that wanted to be heard and seen, just like you want to be heard and seen? So if you can take that fear, that gap in between, and you can hear it, really hear it, you can start to clear or at minimum, support the emotional and mental quote, blocks. Not blocks like concrete immovable barriers, but blocks like the little cones they put in the road when there's construction and you can move them around, that's when your action starts to become effortless. And that I. I want to say I'm talking about repetition and flexing the muscle. And sometimes that can feel like, oh, my gosh, that's going to take years. But remember what I said at the beginning. This can take 30 minutes or less. The key here is to Address the fears and then support the safety, not force, from a place of stress. Notice the difference there. Let me find the fear and support it versus let me find the fear and just push through it. Just, well, I'll just take the action anyways because that's what's going to lead us to jumping to the next level and then burning out. Jumping to the next level and then burning out. So let's talk about some. Some tangible action steps in our action step episode. Makes sense, right? So first up, create safety before taking action. So this might look like finding a new thought. This might look like finding a new piece of evidence. This might look like doing some simple grounding exercises. I have one client that all it takes is hand on a heart, three deep breaths and then moving into what they need to move in. This also might look like checking in with your body. Notice where you're holding tension. Often I hold tension when I'm feeling really anxious in my heart. And so I will breathe and imagine myself getting closer and closer to my heart space, and I will start to notice what it looks like to shift it into a different state. And it's pretty incredible what you can do within your own body. When you're working together, all your body is doing is sending alarm cues and you are in communication with your body. So it might be checking in with your body. It might just be as simple as let me just hear the fear out. All fear wants is to be seen. All fear wants is to be heard. So it might be as simple as let me just hear this. Instead of trying to push through, find what works for you. Second, start small. Baby steps, Baby steps, baby steps. One of the biggest stories people I work with have is they're in step 20, when really you need to be in step one. Just start with a tiny step, the one that feels doable. It can be as simple as sharing that thought or sharing the idea and creating safety around that first. Maybe it is actually taking action, moving forward. Whatever it is, just start small. Sometimes we think we want to cut timelines in half. We want to make something happen so fast. So we need to, like, jump to step 20 and just like, be there already. But starting small is magic because it's where you learn the lessons. It's where you learn the things. Like me announcing that I was going to change my podcast title, which, by the way, I didn't know this was going to be so connected to the episode. We love that, don't we? But me announcing that I was going to change the podcast title, that was Scary. Make no mistake, anytime I put myself out there, it feels scary. I say all the time, I'm full of fear. I was made with an extra ounce of fear and I love it. And I had to give myself permission to put it out there. Oh, while knowing it's always safe to change my mind. And that's something I've been working on for a while, but that's something I offer you to try on for your own size as well. 3. Focus on the process, not the outcome. This is a big one, so shift your focus from getting everything, quote, right. What if there was no right or wrong? What if every decision you made was right because it was aligned with you? Now there's a whole sub branch conversation on that of your morals and your values. I'm not saying this. This is a whole rabbit hole we could go down for sure. I'm not saying, oh, everyone is absolutely right and everyone's truth is 100% true for everyone. That can be a very blurry line. And we are assuming that each of you have your own strong, sturdy morals and values. And when you make a decision for you, when. What if it was your right decision because you made it, and what if it didn't have to be so black and white as right or wrong? Again, there's this gray area in between that we can live in of what if we were just learning? What if this process was teaching me something that I can't actually even imagine right now? So being present in the process of creating, being present in the process of doing instead of just doing for the sake of doing. And then four, continue to reassure yourself that being seen, that showing up, that taking your chance, taking your risk is not a threat. I always. My brother Kirk, he would always talk about taking risks and doing amazing things, but he would always say, you always have to assess the risk of death. So, for example, traveling to Thailand to experience a new culture. Yes, yes, yes. Walking out in front of a bus. No, no, no. So he would always say, assess it with the safety of your own life. So I'm not saying take all these huge risks that put you in danger, but reassure yourself that starting the podcast, publishing the book, quitting the job, these things are not putting your actual life at danger. Being seen in the moves that you want to make are not a threat. You know the difference. Every step you take is a part of your growth. And also reassure yourself that you're not defined by other people's opinions. That is not what defines you. Everyone will always have a perception of you. There's perceptions of you living out there that you don't actually even know exist. I know, let it land. But that's not what defines you. I'm certain of that. So next time you feel stuck, ask yourself. Start with the simple question, am I giving myself the safety I need to move forward and then let the rest kind of fall into place. It's not your fault that you're stuck or you're not moving or you're not doing the thing. So I just invite you to release the shame, let go of any pressure that's here, and just know that it's just a protection mechanism that's been in place for however many years and that can all be shifted with just awareness and practice. It really can be that simple. And the fear of being seen is really the root cause of our inaction. That can show up in different ways. We might fear being judged or misunderstood. We might fear what it will look like when we are successful. But it is putting ourselves out there that causes the inaction, the fear. So, my friend, if this episode resonated with you, I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts. As always, I love hearing from you after these. It lights up my projector heart. So please do come share with me over on social or send me an email. I really can't wait to support you in your next step forward. And a little sneak peek in our next episode we're going to talk about how to identify the core beliefs that are holding you back from taking action and how to reframe them for a different result. I also have a really special invitation coming up for a free workshop. So stay tuned in this corner of the world. I'll definitely be sharing it here and also in the email land and on socials, the places. I would love to see you there. So if this concept is really resonating you with you, definitely stay tuned for that. I have a little wait list for it in the episode description as well so you can be the first to know when the seats open up. Okay. You are amazing. You are magic. You are designed for an extraordinary life and I will see you in the next episode. Bye friend.