In this 10‑minute conversational episode, hosts Mike Domitrz and Sam Silverstein explore listening as a vital, lifelong skill and a core leadership competency. They begin by questioning why people struggle to listen, noting that many leaders marginalize certain voices due to perceived status or education gaps. The discussion shifts to concrete signs of genuine listening—maintaining eye contact, being fully present, and using mindfulness to notice when attention drifts. They critique the common “fix‑it” response, emphasizing that listeners should first seek to understand the speaker’s agenda rather than jump to solutions. Transparency is highlighted: if multitasking during a conversation, the listener should openly communicate time constraints to avoid making the speaker feel ignored. Throughout, they share practical tactics such as focus‑tests, owning moments of distraction, apologizing, and re‑engaging, illustrating how these habits foster respect, safety, and stronger relationships. The episode concludes with a call to action for listeners to apply these habits and a reminder of where to find the podcast and YouTube channels.
Chapters
And welcome to Mike and Sam. We're gonna, we're gonna dive right into this one today. We are talking about listening, the lifelong skill of listening. The old statement, you have one mouth and two ears because you're supposed to be listening, not talking. All those wonderful clichés and statements we're gonna dive into now. As we do this today, remember there's comments below, and if you write comments there, we can see them, we can put them up, we can bring them into the conversation. Which both Sam and I love. So Sam, what do you think? Why do you think people struggle to listen?
Well, first of all, I hate those old clichés. I mean, I just even hate mentioning them. It's like, come on, let's grow up and let's talk about something that can be a serious conversation. And people understand that listening is important. As a leader, it's critical that we listen, that we hear our people, that we understand what their needs are. And so listening, there's all— we can look at listening from a skill set or we can talk about listening from a philosophical standpoint. I think there's a challenge in business today that a lot of leaders don't listen to their people, not because they don't have the skill set, but because they may be marginalizing their people. They may not see them as equal. They may see them as less than. They may see some of their people as not being educated. So why should I listen to them? Or they don't have a certain title. Why should I listen to them? I think it's critical that we hear people, that we hear what they have to say, that we hear their thoughts, we hear their opinions, we hear what their fears are, what their concerns are. And when we do that, when we create a safe place for people to speak, then we're going to hear things that will ultimately be for the benefit of everybody. And we're all going to grow through that process.
I couldn't agree with you more. In fact, you know, the clichés that I gave, they're usually not about people listening. They're, they're about stopping people from talking, right? Because it's somebody trying to get someone to stop talking, which is not what listening is about. Listening is about being attentive, being present, seeing someone. You know, you use the words about seeing people. In our work with respect, one of the biggest things people say is the reason they don't feel respected is they don't feel seen. and heard, which is all about how we listen to people, how we feel valued. My dad used to say this to— I'll never forget this. We were coaching middle school kids and, you know, they're hyper and they're high energy and they struggle with focus. And my dad would say, I know you're listening by where your eyes are focused. Where people used to think, well, you know, I'm listening by my ears. No.
Yeah.
By where your eyes are focused. Because if your eyes are on me, I know you're giving me your attention. And that's true at work. If I'm looking around and seeing who else I need to get to, or you can see that my mind is not looking truly at you, Sam, while we're talking, it's about the next thing I have to do in my mind. I'm not listening. I'm not present for you. And I think that's where listening is key. It's, am I present for this person right now fully, or is my mind somewhere else? Am I being mindful to this person?
Oh, I'm sorry, there was something going on over here. So I, I— could you, could you repeat that? Well, that's exactly it. Don't you hate when that happens? You feel marginalized in that moment. It's like, I'm not as important as this, or I'm not as important as that. And I think that people— this comes back to respect, which is one of my core values. Do we respect people, all people, enough To hear what they have to say. Because many times someone needs to share something. They need to share it. It's in the fact that you listen, you've relieved them of a burden that they are carrying. It's so important. And listening with full attentiveness is a gift. And it's a gift that we should be giving the people in our lives, the people in our lives personally, the people in our lives professionally.
Yeah, and Janet right there, somebody in my life personally. And yeah, we hear it all the time, right? Squirrel, right? And that is a concept that we struggle with. And I think part of that struggle is if you're super hyper high energy like I've been since I was a child, it's like your brain—
your brain— you come on, Mike. I know that's impossible. I've never seen that in you before.
Exactly. Uh, when your brain thinks, what next, what next, You have to really slow down. And I think that's the thing we don't talk about enough. We almost make it— we shame or guilt people for struggling with listening instead of giving them skills to help them with that. So I know that I have to really focus on why this person I am talking to them right now, why, what is the focus, because that allows me to be there for them. I'll say to myself right now, CJ is saying the same thing. I'm totally like that. We have to be able to remind ourselves, hey, this person is what matters. Because I know it's true that this person is what matters to me. That's a fact. I have to remind myself, stay focused there, be fully present for them, see them for who they are right now. Not always, but sometimes my brain is in a million-mile-an-hour speed and I have to remind myself.
Right. And, and so here's what that comes down to. It's about mindfulness. It's about stepping back And being aware that our attention may be waning, our attention may be drifting, and that I'm not fully engaged in the conversation with you. And here's what I'd like to suggest. And I love the comments and what people are sharing. It's fantastic. So thanks, Blake, for contributing that. See, my focus went off. My focus went on the comments.
I was just gonna bring that up.
But I know what I'm gonna say, Mike. I know what I'm gonna say. And that is— Being mindful means noticing those moments when our focus does deviate, when we disengage momentarily. And then in that moment, choosing to get back into the conversation, not beating us up, having compassion. We're only human. It's okay. But if we drift, bring your focus back to the conversation. Reengage with the person. Show them that you care. Show them that what they're saying is important to you, not just because you're You're saying it's important to you, but they see it in your actions as well. And I think if we catch ourselves through that act of mindfulness, then what happens is that will always bring us back to the conversation. It'll always make us better listeners. And listening is a contribution to a relationship. When I'm listening and paying attention and hearing you and being compassionate for you, then I'm paying attention to you. And that's a contribution. To that conversation. But there's one other thing, Mike, I'm dying to share with you, and that is I can't listen with my agenda. I have to listen with your agenda. You might just want me to— a lot of times Renee, my wife, will share something with me, and then what do I do? I jump into fix-it mode. Okay, Renee, here's what you need to do. Do this, do this, do this. That's not what she wants from me. She wants just to be heard. She wants me to hear her. to be understanding of the situation. I don't have to fix it for her. And so it's imperative that the people that we listen to, that we work to gain understanding of what they're looking for in the conversation so we can serve them.
Yeah, absolutely. And being transparent, that's really important. So right now I have to, I manage as part of our show, I manage the comments and what we put on the screen.
I'm seeing them here.
Right. And so because of that, you know, as my partner that I'm going to look to the side And I'm not not listening. I'm doing part of my job while you're talking. And, but we need to be transparent about that.
Exactly.
If I, if I have to do something at the same time, I need to tell that person, I have 1 minute, right? Or I have 2 minutes. Like, we need to be transparent so they don't feel like they're just being shoved off to the side. Or—
Exactly.
I love what you did there. And I'll say that, oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I spaced out for a second. Like, own it. Right? That's so important. And apologize and then refocus. I love what Blake did there. He put focus test, focus test, focus test to see if we would be distracted by the phone.
He's trying to catch us. That's what he's doing. He's trying to catch us.
Right. And I, CJ, I love what you just said there. When we focus on being helpful, supportive, then it's not us about what am I trying to get out of this conversation, which is an I conversation. I think that is so, so important for us to have when we're talking with someone. You know, so that, that becomes critical.
Well, if we realize that we're not listening for our benefit, but we're listening for the sender of the message's benefit, then it changes our focus. We're going to filter differently. We're going to pay attention differently. We're going to respond differently. It's always, it's always about the other person. It's, and you know, it's just, this is why listening is such a powerful leadership Leadership is always about the other person. Leadership is never about the leader. It's about the people that we serve. Listening is about the other person. It's their need to express. Now, they may be expressing something for our benefit. And if that's the case, then we need to listen really well and filter and understand that. But listening is based on their need to share. And that's where it starts.
And that's a great place for us to end. Hey everybody, you've been watching Mike and Sam. You can catch us on iTunes. We've got a podcast there every day. You can also catch us on youtube.com/centerforrespect, youtube.com/silverstein, Sam Silverstein. It's 10 minutes and we're out. Have a good one everyone. See you tomorrow at 1 PM. Thanks.
