#18 - Feedback. How do you receive it. How do you give it?

Hello, welcome to Mike and Sam. Today we're gonna discuss feedback.

It's good to see you, Mike.

Good to see you, Sam.

Thanks for saying hi. I appreciate that.

Absolutely. Because today is about feedback.

How would you like feedback? When we start this thing, it'd be kind of nice if you greeted me, if you said hello. I would appreciate that. It would make me feel better in the moment. So I just wanted to share that with you since you didn't Do that this time.

Well, you know what, Sam? I really appreciate you giving me that feedback because I want you to feel appreciated. I want you to feel special because you mean that much to me. So I'm gonna make sure I do that.

Yeah, and since I know that's how you feel, I thought it was important for me to share that with you. I just, I feel like our relationship is such that If something's not exactly 100%, we can talk about it.

Absolutely. So, thank you so much for that feedback because I want to, I now want to work and be intentional on doing that each time we start. And I want you to be comfortable to tell me when I don't, when I fall back into the old ways. So, that would be really helpful if you could do that. Would that, would that be okay with you, Sam?

That's great. And the reason I feel comfortable doing that is because you've let me know on more than one occasion that it's safe, you know, to share something with you that's maybe not positive, that's not what we want to hear. But you like, you want the truth. And so, that truth between us is what builds our relationship.

I love that. Love that. And Sam, what inspired you to bring that up today? Because I haven't done that on other episodes too. So, what inspired today?

Well, because you did it differently today and you just jumped right in and I kind of felt a little left out. And the fact that We might have said that we're going to talk about feedback today, might have inspired me to, in that moment, say, you know what? I'm going to give you some feedback. And we could have fun with it. And then our listeners can learn. We're learning. And we're all on this journey together. So you set me up for it, Mike. You set me up.

That was perfect. And I love that. And what I want our listeners and viewers to think of today is, What are ways that you, one, give feedback, and two, receive feedback? Because what happened there was both, right? You were giving, I was receiving, uh, and how we did that. And that doesn't mean we did it perfectly by any stretch of the imagination, uh, but it was— I loved the way you did that. And so we want to talk about that. So if somebody's watching live right now, you could leave a comment about what are ways that you do not appreciate feedback. And what are ways that you wish people would give you feedback? And when do you think it's appropriate to give feedback? Why don't we start there, Sam? When is it appropriate to give feedback?

Well, that's a great question, because there's when is it appropriate? When is it not appropriate? Why is it difficult? So many things. When is it appropriate? I think feedback is important, a couple of things. One, it needs to be timely. It needs to be, it's I'm totally against annual reviews. And organizations that I work with and I coach, many of them eliminate the annual reviews. Now, there's a whole series of things they replace it with. But the idea is, if I mess up right now and you wait 6 months to tell me about it, A, I'm not going to remember it. B, all you're going to do is make me upset. But if I mess up right now and you go, and it's not what you say, how you say it that always applies. And you say, Sam, I know you want to do the best you can do. And you're always trying to do the best you can do. I'd like to give you a little feedback on the project because I just, you know, you just saw me interface with someone on the team and I didn't speak to them properly. So I think timeliness is important. And the other thing that I think is important is the appropriate place. I don't think it's appropriate for you to give me feedback in front of our coworkers. I think it's a private conversation. I think it's one-on-one. And then the third thing is not just pointing out the negative, but also giving me ideas of how I could better handle that situation. And I think that type of information is very helpful to me in the moment.

Yeah, and that's what Eric's referencing right here, Sam, is this— the idea of, excuse me, whether feedback tears me down or builds me up. Look, you can give constructive comments that somebody could take as being negative feedback in a very constructive way. Unfortunately, what a lot of people do is they say, can I give you some constructive feedback? And what they actually mean is, can I give you negative feedback? And there's a big difference in negative and constructive. Constructive is meant to build. Construct is to build up. So that's very different than just going, hey, you know, when you did that, that's not how we operate around here, versus when you did that, was there a reason you made that choice? We have found that it really works when we go this route. Right? That allows the person also to have a voice in the process. So it's a mutual feedback exchange versus me just talking about what you did wrong without understanding why. You might repeat it again if I don't understand why.

Well, exactly. And so the question becomes, what's your intent? Are you really giving me feedback because you're trying to feel like you're better than me, that you have all the answers and you want me to know my place? Or are you giving me feedback Because you want me to be better. You're trying to help me grow. You're trying to position me to be a better contributor to the team. And so, the intent there is critical. And I think Eric is well aware of that, I'm sure, based on that comment. We see a lot of leaders, they're not giving feedback. They're just tearing you down. They're putting you in your place. And they're trying to maintain a position of power and control. And this is really very weak leadership. Feedback is meant to be positive. It's to position me to be more successful next time. And your ability to give someone feedback is based on what you've done to build a relationship in the past. I can give you feedback right now, Mike, because of all the contributions that I've made to our relationship that have shown you that when I say something, But you know, it's not about me. It's because I care about you. I want you to be the best person you can be. And when you know that, then you're going to receive that feedback from me in the positive light, which is the way that it's meant.

Yeah. And that's why how it's heard matters. Like people will say, well, they, they took it that way. That is not what I meant. But when you speak words, it's to have an impact. So, if you're telling me you didn't mean to have that impact, that's your responsibility to change the way you say it. Because the impact is your direction. You are the one delivering those words. So you have to be aware of that. The other question is to know about how I receive feedback.

Right? Right.

I could have earlier today in our opening, I could have been like, very funny, Sam. Right? And at first I wasn't sure, are you using an example? Because we're talking about feedback, but you took it seriously. So immediately I'm like, oh, I want to hear this. That is different than whatever. Or, you know, and just blow it. Are we willing to hear it? And sometimes as leaders, we're the worst because we'll be like, not now. That's what's going on in our head. We may not say it out loud, but we're like, not now. And they can feel that even if you don't say it. So when somebody comes to you, you got to really think, can I— I need— is there a way I can make the time right now? Because this sets the tone for them that I'm here for them.

Absolutely. And so there's a couple of critical things. One, we need to know the people around us. And so, some people are just more open to feedback than others. And we go back a long way. And something that I've been working on for some time is being able to receive negative feedback because I tend to want to get defensive. And that's not where I want to go. And so, yeah. And that's normal.

That's okay.

That's okay. But here's what has to happen in an organization, whether it's a company, whether it's your family, wherever. But if it's in a company, you create a culture that says feedback is welcome, feedback is given, and feedback is given with the intent of helping others, not helping yourself. That we give open and honest feedback. And that can be encoded in the culture. And when you encode that in the culture then, and it's lived, then people know why you're sharing something. And as a leader, if you see people giving feedback that is not given in the best of intent, Then you have to have a conversation with them, give them feedback. And if they don't change their behavior, then you have to allow them to go someplace where that kind of behavior is acceptable.

Yeah, it's something you and I've talked about before. This is all about a foundation of respect. If you build a foundation of respect, feedback will be able to be heard with respect. It will be able to be given with respect, all of that. And so I think just summarizing today, remembering before we give it, is this the right, appropriate moment, time, situation surrounding Am I leading with respect when I share this in a constructive buildup mode? Construct means build. Am I doing that? Now, when it comes to us, am I taking a breath and realizing this is an opportunity for me to grow, for me to become better when somebody is giving me feedback, no matter who it is? I might not like them. I might have had an issue with them in the past. It's, it's still an opportunity for me to grow. So I love everything you shared today. Thanks, Jim.

I just want to acknowledge, Eric, and also, Jane, you're absolutely right. Feedback doesn't always have to be negative. It can be positive feedback. reinforcing a situation. Thank you for that, Jan. That's right on target. Hey, follow us on YouTube at Center for Respect and @SamSilverstein, and we'll see you next time.