In this conversational episode, host Mike Domitrz interviews Sam Silverstein about a recent technical crisis where Sam’s computer was completely wiped during an Apple support call. Sam describes how, despite the stress, he avoided self‑criticism and instead focused on fixing the problem. The dialogue expands into a broader discussion on the habit of beating oneself up, the ripple effect of self‑criticism on interactions with others, and the importance of self‑compassion. They introduce several practical concepts: recognizing one’s emotional “fuel” level, identifying choice points in the moment, using mindful language such as “I choose to” rather than “I should have,” and deliberately aligning actions with personal values. The conversation concludes with a call‑to‑action to subscribe to their Center for Respect channel. The episode serves as a guide for listeners to cultivate self‑compassion, improve emotional regulation, and foster healthier relationships at work and home.
Chapters
Hello, Sam. How are you doing today?
Oh, Mike, I appreciate you showing that concern and care. Well, I'm doing a little better now than I was doing, but it was a long night last night. Hours on the line with support from Apple, and then more hours after that fixing everything that got messed up.
All right.
What makes you ask that question?
And, uh, and when we're in that mode, and you and I have both been in that mode lately with trying to build new things, create new things, uh, man, we can really beat up on ourselves, right? The something doesn't go right on that computer and we're getting mad at ourselves, which is just silly because it wasn't— even if it was something we did wrong, it's not like we're computer geniuses even for tech strong.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I am a computer genius. Now that's, you know, you can speak for yourself in that situation. Now look, here's what happened. Long and short of it is, uh, got on the phone with Apple support, had some things that were going on, um, and in the process we ended up literally wiping, uh, my computer. Just total wipe. Everything was— is gone. And, um, now I have multiple backups, and so I have all the files and documents, and that's all that really matters, but Literally, was up till 3 o'clock in the morning and I still have hours to go getting all the software downloaded, the system set up, permissions, all that kind of stuff. And it's a nightmare. And the thing that gets me is in that moment, I'm sitting here going, well, what could I have done different? How could I have not had this happen? Which I think is good to learn through a problem. But the one thing that I noticed that I didn't do, and I was really proud of myself, Mike, is I just didn't beat myself up. I just didn't. Say, you know, that I could have avoided it. I shouldn't have done this. I should have known better. I was in a rush. I— whatever it was, because you know what? There was nothing I can do right then but work on fixing it and making it better. And if I'd beat myself up, then I would have just gotten myself in a funk and nothing would have happened.
Yeah. And we all do that though, right? There are times when we do beat ourselves up.
Yeah.
It's recognizing it. I would even say, you know, you said, hey, I evaluate what did I do here and all. Sometimes it worked out for you, but sometimes that's the wrong time to ask that question. When we're in the thick of it is not always the time to ask that. Sometimes we just got to go, whatever I messed up, I messed up. I'll look at this again tomorrow, right? Because this— I am in a bad mindset. And that's the thing, recognizing it before we project it.
Right.
I think that's the challenging, because when you start to project beating yourself up, you do it to others. And I don't mean, I don't mean that you're doing it intentionally. I don't mean physically, verbally, or we're talking that kind, but you just snap quicker. You're shorter with people. You're not pleasant to be around. And this is true in the workplace and at home.
So you're saying I'm not pleasant to be around?
No. You know, this is a good example because you and I talked before we come on the air, obviously.
Right.
And so you didn't beat yourself up, but there was a little bit of it there because you were frazzled. Right. And I was frazzled a couple of days ago before we came on the air. We've both been in that state. And so even though we didn't beat ourselves up, we did. We just didn't maybe acknowledge it because the frazzle usually comes from a little bit of that, thinking we should have known better, thinking that we could have done something differently. And now we're like, what's going on here? And that shows up from that.
And so it's, it's just a lesson learned. It's, we're going to make mistakes. Look, either decide you're perfect or you're not. I'm not. And I know that I'm not perfect. So, I know I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to botch things. I want to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to, you know, I really don't want to be repeating my mistakes. But I'm going to have compassion for myself just as I would have compassion for you. And here's the point for me. I can't show you compassion if you mess something up or you do something. You know, if you report to me and we're working together and you screw something up, How am I going to learn to show you compassion if I can't show myself compassion first? And so, I think it starts at home. We have to learn to be able to show ourselves compassion, have understanding. And then, because that's truly what we believe, and if it is truly what we believe, then when I'm interacting with you, if you mess something up, if you come up short in a relationship, at work, or personal life, then I'm going to have that same compassion. And that's going to be powerful. That compassion is going to work towards building a stronger relationship. Rather than destroying or eroding the relationship.
Absolutely. And a big part of that is recognizing what fuel level our tank is at. And what'll happen is we don't recognize it. Everybody else around us is maybe recognizing it, but we don't recognize it because not only what you described as being intentional, right? We want to make sure that we're intentional because when we're compassionate, that we can be compassionate to others. when we're compassionate to ourselves. That's intentional. So now the question is, how do we subconsciously become aware of those intentions? Right? Because the fact is, if I say, well, I'm going to be compassionate to you, but I'm still on edge, I won't be fully compassionate. Even though I'm saying I'm going to be, I don't have the fuel to pull it off.
Right.
So even if I wake up and go, today I'm going to be fully compassionate, but I'm tired, And I'm agitated. I don't have the fuel to do that. And I might not acknowledge that. So we've got to be very aware of where's my fuel tank at? And do I need to walk away right now? That's a big part of not beating up on ourselves.
Well, and this is a, this all goes towards mindfulness is, is, is we have choice points. You know, we've talked about this before and, and, and this is critical. We have choice points, points where we choose how we're going to react. And it's— the question is, do you see that coming, or did you see it in the rearview mirror? You know, the old hindsight's 20/20. My constant focus has always been to work— not always, the last 3, 4 years it's always been— is to try and see these choice points coming, not after the fact, but see them as they present themselves and then react in the way that I I want to react, not just, not just a knee-jerk reaction. And so that's the key, is being able to train ourselves over time to see these opportunities to react in a positive way. And so this is a learned skill. We don't beat ourselves up. But what we do do is we say, I have the opportunity right now to show compassion, compassion for myself, or in a relationship with someone else, compassion and understanding for them.
Yeah. And I love the language of I choose to versus I should have, because I should have is in shame or guilt, right? Of how could I not have? But I choose to is, hey, you know what? I didn't make that choice in the past and I want to make better choices going forward. I choose to make better choices. So I'm going to choose to be more compassionate. That language is very different than I need to be because now it's a responsibility. It's not a value.
Right.
There's a huge difference versus I choose.
Yeah, exactly. And the other thing is, a lot of times we fall into the trap of saying, well, you know, there was so much pressure that it just caused me to— No, you made a choice based on the pressure. But we always have a choice. We have a choice to pick our attitude, to pick how we're going to respond to any situation. It is Our choice. And we need to observe the moment, be aware of what's going on, and then make a choice that truly aligns with what we say we believe, what our values are, and who the best person is that we are working to be.
Love that. What a great place to wrap it up. Thank you, Sam. We want to remember for everybody watching out there, you can find us on youtube.com/CenterForRespect, youtube.com/SamSilverstein. Remember, click on the bell. It'll tell you when we're here. And find us on iTunes, Mike and Sam. We would love your reviews and for you to subscribe. Thank you all. We'll see you on the next episode.
