#26 - Join us

Hello and welcome to Mike and Sam. Hello, Sam. How you doing today?

I'm great, Mike. How are you? Did you get your bike ride in?

I did just get my bike ride in, and I don't know if it's the camera because I know I'm not this red from going on my bike ride. So the camera's making me look like I'm out of breath.

It's, you know, it's technology today. Every time you turn something off and turn it back on, it seems like it's different. I don't know what that is.

Yeah, yeah, you and I just went through that, so totally get that. You know, uh, but you gotta believe in these moments. You gotta trust you don't look that way. You have a little belief in yourself that you look normal. Uh, and I think that's what we're gonna talk about today, uh, believing in yourself. There's a term in our industry, in speaking, and a lot of professional industries where an individual helps others, and it's called the imposter syndrome.

Mm-hmm.

Right? And this syndrome is the idea that someday I'm gonna be exposed. People are going to find out I'm not as smart as they think I am and that I'm going to be exposed. And it's a real thing that people struggle with, that a lot of professionals struggle with. And by the way, people in all different positions I've heard struggle with this. So it comes from all different lights. What do you think that's about, Sam?

I think there, you know, there's so much about human nature that applies to all of us. I think we're really very, very similar, not just you and I, but literally all people. I did a program once and there were 2 women in a breakout group. And I asked them after the little exercise that I led them through, I said, what'd you discover? What'd you experience? And the one woman said, I learned that I had the same fears as she does. And it was the most powerful moment. You could see in their eyes. And I could feel that. And I think that's what it is. I think we share similar fears. And I think one of them is that we're just not good enough. So, no matter how much training, no matter what degrees we've earned, no matter how much experience. And I think sometimes maybe that comes from comparing ourselves to others. We see others, they seem confident and in control. And then maybe we question ourselves. But the reality is that— We got to where we got to because we were and are able to produce at a certain level. And, and when we get bogged down in that fear that we're not good enough, that, that, that someone else may be better, that we come up short, then everything comes to a screeching halt. And that's something we have to fight against.

Yeah, it's amazing how quickly we can forget the last person you helped. Right? So you just got it maybe a week ago. You got an email or somebody saying, oh my gosh, your work, what you've taught has transformed my life. And then 4 days later, you're like, you said, is anybody really going to want the stuff I have? Is anybody really going to use this? Is anybody— it's amazing how fast we can go from here to here about our own self-value.

And the interesting thing is that is so on target. But Where did that change happen? In the physical?

I can guarantee what it is. I think what I believe.

But what I'm getting is the change happened here. It's a perception. It's a belief. And so, we have the ability to either pick ourselves up or push ourselves down. And it's all going to connect back to what it is that we're thinking about ourselves and our abilities and our talents, which means we can make or break Ourselves. It's not you making or breaking me. It's me making or breaking me.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think one of the keys there is there's 2 situations that tend to make that arise. I think one, when we're not in a place of self-care, the brain is way more quickly to go to negative energy because it's not in a place of self-care. And so, it's going—

Fatigue.

Yeah, fatigue, not being in a spiritual or emotional or physical care. Right? You're overworking, you're pushing too hard, or you're eating really poorly. You're vulnerable to these statements, these mindsets. Right? And then the other one is when you're willing to take risk, when you're willing to put something out to the world. I think these 2 moments are 2 of the most common situations where somebody is vulnerable to these, to feeling that imposter syndrome.

Well, and, you know, it's interesting. I received a card one time. It was a thank you card. And it's someone that was A friend of mine, she said, put that in a file. I said, what do you mean? She says, put that in the file. Keep that. You'll get others. And then on those days where maybe you're questioning yourself, maybe you're just not so sure, she says, pull that file out and read some of those notes that people are sending to you and what they're sharing about the difference that you're making in their life or the friendship that you're sharing with them or whatever it is. And she says, that will help move you past that point really quick. And I think that I think that was great advice. And I think that we need to take care of ourselves and have compassion for ourselves.

Yeah, absolutely. And I have a folder where I keep note cards of that sort. And you and I recently discussed one that I got a couple months ago. And you were like, you got to frame that. You got to put that up in a frame. And I could think, and in my own mind, it went, well, if somebody walks in and sees that on a frame, right? Our brain can do that so fast. And you forget Hey, no, I need a reminder. Uh, just, hey, to see— it brings this all to a human life. Like, it makes it much more real when you see that. Because sometimes when we're in our line of work, we are behind a computer. We are not in front of a crowd. We don't get to see. So that makes it human, right? A doctor gets to see the patient right there heal. They get to see them live.

Yeah.

A lot of professions, you don't get to see the after. So when the after shows up, it's really important that you allow yourself to see that and to really understand the value of that.

Yeah, you know, we talk a lot about making a difference in people's lives and not, not us making a difference, but everyone making a difference, everyone taking on the responsibility to make a difference in someone's life. And the reality is that everyone has the ability to do that. People that are listening right now, that are listening to what we're sharing, You have the ability to make a difference in someone's life. You have the ability to bring love. You have the ability to bring compassion. You have the ability to nurture. You have the ability to deliver hard skills, things that they may need in order to better manage their resources, whatever it is. And so, I think that when we're focused on making that difference and serving others, then we're less likely to fall in the trap and think that we don't have the ability to do that. Because the reality is, I have never met anybody that didn't have the difference, didn't have the ability to make a difference in someone's life. I've had conversations with people on the street that were literally panhandling on the street and got into a conversation. And they shared something that was meaningful and significant that got me thinking. They have the ability. If they have the ability, anyone does.

Absolutely. And I think it comes back to something that was said at the National Speakers Association convention last year. And I did— I wasn't there for this, you were, so you may remember who said it because I'm spacing out on the name. I can picture her.

I don't remember.

I'm about to— I think maybe when I say it, we'll see. I can picture her perfectly though. But she said, if you are thinking that, oh no, am I an imposter? You can't be, because the imposter knows they're fraudulent. The imposter knows they're cheating people. They know they're scamming people. The fact that you're out there trying to do the right thing and questioning, am I of value, means you can't be the imposter because you're— that's what bothers you, the concept of not doing the right thing. You know, I love what Matt a moment ago was on our screen there. Matt's whole thing is Mattitude. It's the attitude we bring in these moments. That's his slogan. That's his message. I love what's being said here. LeBron James, right? People think, well, when you're at the top, you don't have to worry about that. Nope. LeBron James is intentionally doing positive mental reinforcement. So they can overcome this fear that this person's, you know, heard or seen or written, read of LeBron James doing that. So it tells you, at the highest levels, this can exist.

Yeah, absolutely. And it doesn't— we've worked with thousands of people inside of organizations, one-on-one, small, medium-sized groups, and run into the same thing over and over where someone does question themselves in that moment. And it boggles my mind because I look at them and I go, wow, You have all this talent, all this skill, all this ability. Why are you questioning yourself? And it just makes me realize how much we're all connected through this tendency, but at the same time, how much we need to help each other through it. And we need to move beyond it because we do have something of significance to bring to the table.

Love that. And I want everybody watching this to know that, that you are significant. You have value because Sam, you and I have discussed this. We've been doing work. We're building some communities right now, both you and I. And in that process, we've gotten to read comments from people that are heartbreaking. Heartbreaking. People making the difference and major difference in other people's lives, and yet it's heartbreaking. So I want everybody to know you are of value. You are loved. So important. And I know we got to wrap up this episode. Uh, so I will actually— no, you know what? We forgot to tell people we don't have to wrap up this episode because We have switched the format here. We're going to once a week, and we're going to allow it to go a little bit longer so we can dive a little deeper. So that is a shift. So I apologize there. I was used to our old timeline there, um, because I didn't want to end there because I, I think it's so important for us to discuss a mistake a lot of us can make. And we think the person we see over there succeeding, they don't need to hear how valuable they are because they know it. And we fail to tell them how valuable they are. And they go home struggling that night because nobody is saying it to them because they assume they know it.

So, the question becomes, how often do we take the chance, take the time and make the opportunity to basically show gratitude for others? And not so much because we're looking to get something for ourselves, but the idea that we know people need positive reinforcement. People need a pat on the back. People need That assurance. And so, when we go up to someone and say, man, you're really doing a great job. I appreciate that. That helps support them and helps them move beyond any chance of that imposter syndrome coming into their life. And when someone just randomly does that for us, it makes us feel good. And so, what I want to encourage is taking that stance of when our paths intersect with other people, and they do all the time. All the time, we're intersecting with other people. Let them know what a great job they're doing. Let them know how much you appreciate them. You know, you and I travel a lot. It's very common to be in a hotel and there's someone that's cleaning somewhere in the hotel. They could be in the hall cleaning rooms. They could be down in the lobby cleaning. They could be anywhere cleaning. And it's very common for me, I'll tell them, hey, you're doing a great job. I appreciate you keeping the hotel so clean. It makes it enjoyable. Whatever, you know, that is sincere and from the heart and passing that on, I guarantee you, one, they're not hearing it enough. They're not hearing it that often. And it will help reinforce that they are making a difference.

Yeah, I love that. I love that reminder. And that's what I'm talking about. And I love that you said that because it's both ends of the spectrum. Like, people will think, oh, the person you're not working with, the person cleaning the hotel, maybe you have no interaction with. And, and the person who's running the joint, the person in charge, they both might be struggling. I've, I've met people, especially in situations where personal life is toxic and nobody knows it. So everybody sees this star in the office.

Mm-hmm.

You don't realize how little self-esteem this person has because of how toxic their personal life is. And so that's why this needs to be done across the board. It's so important.

Well, and sometimes also, you can compliment somebody or show appreciation for a job well done in one arena. And it'll help offset, like you mentioned, a challenge they may have in another arena. And so that gratification that you're sharing with them is going to go a long way to helping something that we don't even know is going on in their life at that moment. Yeah, I don't think, I I don't think people can get too many pats on the back. I don't think you can say thank you too often. And I think that living a lifestyle of gratitude, appreciation, and sharing that with other people is going to make a big impact in their life. And let me tell you, when you pull someone up, when you help them feel better, they're going to impact the people around them in a more positive manner. And then, it's like throwing a stone into a pond. We're creating that ripple effect. In essence, we're creating the community and the world that we want to live in.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. And this really relates to some of the work I do. And, you know, I work with people, unfortunately, trying to get people out of toxic relationships. The unfortunate, we mean that there are people in toxic relationships, not that we're trying to get them out. And people love to go to— some people make the mistake, a lot of people, in going to people in toxic relationships who are who are their abusers harming them either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and they say, well, just get out. And they don't realize how much damage has already been done that doesn't make that feasible in their mind emotionally, psychologically. What you can do for that person is build up their self-esteem over time so they feel empowered and safe to get out. And that's what we're talking about here is building people up so they have the tools versus saying, well, I'm going to say this to you so you do the right thing. No, no, no, no. I'm saying this to you because you're of value. You deserve to hear it. And over time, this will build you up. And that's, that's how this should be viewed as a long-term approach to helping a human being, supporting a human being, is you do it long-term. You don't expect to say it once and have them get it and just change. And that's a mistake a lot of people can make.

Well, and it's, it's a way of, of, it's a way of living for us. In other words, this is This is who I choose to be. Someone that brings a positive message into other people's lives. People that I may not even know or have a relationship with. But in an organization, when you think about an organizational culture, an organizational culture is really dependent upon this. Because if the leader is not bringing that positive message, they might not be saying something negative. But if they're not bringing the positive message, then what is being inferred will be Understood or received or interpreted as negative. So, as a leader in an organization, it's critical not to stay out. You know, I knew someone once that said, you know, well, if you don't hear— as long as you don't hear anything from me, you know you're doing fine. No, that doesn't work that way. You have to go and give that positive feedback. Show that gratitude for the job they're doing. You need to let people know that you appreciate it. Well, they're getting paid to do that. They're getting paid to do that. They could go someplace else and get paid to do that. That's still not an excuse to get out and show gratitude for those people around you. Because what happens is you're making a contribution to that relationship. Accountability is based on a relationship. If you want a culture in an organization that both inspires and prioritizes accountability, you have to build relationships. You build those relationships through these contributions that you and I are talking about. Helping build people up and helping them believe in themselves.

Absolutely. And that's a perfect way to wrap it up because they say, well, they're getting paid to do that. Well, you're getting paid to lead, right? That's the other thing that people seem to forget.

Exactly.

You know, so do your job. Lead. Lead means building people up, you know, and supporting people. That's leading. I didn't say to dictate. I said to lead. And there's a big difference in those 2 concepts, right?

Maybe, maybe that's a note. Make that— make a note. In our next conversation, let's talk about dictators and leaders.

Ooh, I like that. All right, that gives everybody watching and listening to know what's coming up too. Uh, thank you, Sam. I really enjoyed this conversation.

Great, Mike. Have a good afternoon. And everyone that's on board, uh, thanks for joining us. Thanks for sharing the message. Be sure to head over to youtube.com, the Center for Respect and Sam Silverstein, and subscribe to both our channels if you would please. If you love the video, give it a thumbs up, share it with others that it can make a difference. If you click on the bell, then you'll get notice anytime either one of us posts a new video. And of course, you can always listen to the podcast and subscribe over at iTunes. Thank you all. Thank you.