31: The Best of 2018 of The MUTUALLY AMAZING Podcast

Welcome to the Mutually Amazing Podcast. I'm your host, Mike Domitrz, with the Center for Respect. The episode you're about to listen to was recorded when this show used to be called the Respect Podcast, so you might hear that mentioned during this episode. Well, let's get to the show. Welcome to this really special episode. Do you know what makes podcasting Super special and really meaningful and fulfilling? You do. The listener, you do. Knowing that you're out there listening is what inspires me to want to give you better content, better shows, continually improve as your host of The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz. And so I wanted to give a special gift to you for listening throughout 2018, and this episode is that gift. It's the best of. What we've done here is tried to create some of the best segments from the year and put them together so you can really enjoy the past year's content. And that's what you're going to get. in this episode. So if you're listening to this, this episode came out in the final week of 2018. So let's get started with the very first segment that we are going to highlight from 2018. This is featuring my good friend, brilliant speaker, motivator, inspirational human being, Shawn Stevenson. Here goes.

Human beings can make a lot of impact financially and movement by screwing people over.

Right.

And so if you are interpreting that, oh, I need to screw people over to make movement and income, that's an incorrect statement because that's one way. It's not the way I like to roll. It's not the way you like to roll. It's not the way I think your listener would want to roll. Right. But when you're naive and you're just getting your start and you see somebody and you see that they're getting financial success or they're getting more exposure, you think, oh, I guess I need to be a jerk, right? And it's not true. That's— there are many ways to get inside a house. You can either put dynamite on the side of the wall or you can use the key. They'll both get you in. They'll both gain you entrance. One's gonna have a far less devastating impact.

Yeah, that's a great analogy. I love that. And so we were talking there about the fact of how we go about being upfront and being honest. What do you think is the number one fear people have in that moment? Because the agenda is everything. That's— we have agendas with our family. We have agendas with our work.

The word scares people.

Yes.

Right. They don't—

they didn't want to say, I have an agenda, right? They don't want— I don't have an agenda. That's the number one defense you'll hear. I don't have an agenda. We all have agendas.

What I think they mean is I don't have a negative agenda. Right? And so that's why you need to be very clear. About the difference between empowering and limiting, draining and recharging agendas. And I think it's very healing. It's very healing to be clear on your agendas. You know, and if I could take it into the realm of romance for a second, on my first date with my wife, I said, "I would like to sleep with you someday." And she was like, what? Like, what kind of guy? So I didn't say it in a slick, gross, pushy way. I just said, someday I'd like to sleep with you. And she said she trusted me in that minute. That was the moment she realized— like, she was like, oh my God, this guy just made it very clear what his agenda was. It didn't mean that I wouldn't be her friend if we weren't gonna do that. There was no manipulation. She's like, but that was the moment I knew I could trust you because you told me an actual authentic agenda. I'd never heard a man confidently say that. I say that same thing when I get into a sales call. I say to somebody, listen, the opportunity I'm going to offer you is going to be 10 times what you're going to pay me. So I do not feel bad whatsoever in the exchange of receiving the energy that you worked hard to gather. Because I'm going to 10x what you're paying for. So I want you to know I'm going to get really excited by taking your money because I'm exchanging something way greater for you. And they're like, heck yeah, let's do this. Now, not everybody says yes, I'll pay, but everybody says let's have the dialogue.

Right.

I just want people to be excited to have the dialogue, whether it's about romance, whether it's about Whether it's about income, whether it's about progress, movement, making an impact, let's let's not be afraid to ask for what we want. If they say no, they say no.

This next interview is from Omakanga Dabinga, where we talk about today's culture and where respect stands today. Let's hear what Omakombo's got to say.

We live in this microwave society, so everything. has been sped up. If you go to a website and it doesn't load in 6 seconds, you go to the next thing. You know, you don't have to print out pictures anymore, you see it instantly. All of these things, they— you know, social media, you put something out there, automatically you're getting likes. All of this stuff has affected our ability to process because we're so used now to having everything happen quickly. We're also making up our minds quickly. And as I said before, as Donna Ford said, you know, we make up our— actually, she said the less we know about each other, the more we make up. But someone else said— We make up our minds quickly and we change them slowly. And that's part of the problem. And, and everything we do is hyper now, that affects the conversations we're able to have or not have.

Absolutely. So what are ways that we can watch ourselves from triggering into that mistake of making a mind up instantly, but yet changing it slowly?

Asking ourselves, why do I think this about that person. So if you see— if you're white and you see a Black person and you automatically clutch your purse walking down the street, you have to start interrogating yourself why. If you see somebody who you assume to be Muslim and they're checking with you in the airport and you automatically hope they get more security, you have to ask yourself why. And then once you ask yourself why, you ask— you have to tell your— you have to ask yourself, is this right? How can I fix this? That leads to you looking around and checking your information stream. For example, is my social media feed— are my feeds, are they just echo chambers where I just hear these same stories repeated? You have to ask yourself, who taught me this particular group is a criminal or is a terrorist? And start interrogating that. And once you start interrogating that, and you will hopefully come to the conclusion That you have been programmed, you have been brainwashed to think that way about a certain group of people. And so on your social media, if you follow particular people, start engaging in conversations with other people. Remember, social media used to be a place where you engage. Now it's a place where we attack. So let's start bringing that back. If you go start going in a page and say, hey, I'm just asking questions here. And you know, sometimes because everything is so heightened right now, you might get shut down by some people, but they're gonna be some other people like me.

Mm-hmm.

Like you who are going to say, no, it's actually this way. Maybe you should read this site. Maybe you should read this book. But look, check this out. What did the Pew Research Center say last year? About 25% of Americans admitted to not reading a book of any sort, audiobook, ebook, whatever, physical book. So that's the work we have to— you can't lead if you don't read.

Omi Konga, when you were talking about social media and being willing to find people saying different things, Some people really feel the world very on a very sensitive level. It can almost be toxic for them to go into those counterculture environments. So, how do you select which of those voices do you go on to and engage? Like you said, you could get attacked. You could get shut down. But there are some. It's it's a careful fine line because if you go into some, it's ninety-five percent attack you down, shut you down.

Yeah.

5% healthy, and to get to the healthy, it's just brutal.

Yeah. So what I would do, for example, is I would go, let's say, coming back to Black Lives Matter, let's say the MeToo movement, for example. I would, I would go like if I was on Twitter, which is the main one I use, I would look, scroll through the hashtag of MeToo and see what different people are saying. And I would look and see if there are certain people who are coming off as somewhat objective or at least not attacking. even though they're strong in their views and engage them. Because you can look at the threads and you'll see some people just say all men are dogs and you need to accept it and that's just the end of the day. And you'll see some other people who are saying we need to take every accusation seriously because yes, it is true that most of them are— most of the accusations are real, but there have been some instances where women have lied and we don't want that to destroy a positive movement. That's somebody you want to engage with. But if you just go to the person who just has one strong opinion one way or the other, all women are lying or all men are dogs, then you're not going to have a productive conversation. But again, you have to do that work. So you can find Facebook groups and different people. Find those folks, and that's how you start. But some of us are looking for a fight. And some of us know that if we go to certain people, they're automatically going to shut us down. And then we say, see, I tried.

Right.

That's not genuine. That's not genuine. Those are some of the ways you can do that is by start checking the feeds of people and seeing if it's somebody you can actively engage with. And it doesn't have to be somebody with a million followers. Sometimes it's better that they have few followers because, as you know, what happens is those people who respond to you with a bunch of followers, they're responding to you, but they're really just talking to their followers. You know, look at this idiot, Omaye Kongo, asking me about this MeToo. Like, come on. That person's not talking to me. They're talking to their followers. So maybe the person who may have fewer followers but is interested in a genuine conver— I've had some incredible conversations like that on Twitter just recently, just yesterday, by doing that. And don't engage in any name-calling. Don't engage in any name-calling. And somebody who is engaging in name-calling, they're waiting to call you names too. There are people that you meet in life just have a certain energy about them.

Their soul just allows you to see that they feel the world and they care passionately for others. And Kirsty Spragun is one of these individuals who I've had the opportunity to interview several times. I want to highlight her interview from 2018 on this show right now. Here's Kirsty.

I think that you have to get to a place where the pain is worse than the fear. So I was miserable. Like, I wasn't happy. I was isolating. I was numbing. I was engaging in behaviors that weren't really healthy or loving to myself. I think that being a speaker and being in this world and growing up in sales, I'd listened to Zig Ziglar since I was, you know, 13 years old on the old cassette tapes. So, I think I had this seed planted around dreaming big in the workspace, that you could dream big, that you could do anything. that built my resilience and my confidence. And I think that was, for me, was important in a way that I didn't even know until much later, but it was always there building. And so for a while I kept those things separate. I was, you know, success was camouflaging my unworthiness. I stayed so busy that I didn't have time. I was so distracted. Busyness is another way to numb, you know, overexercising, overworking. When we don't have any space or capacity, when we're not meditating or sitting in silence with ourselves, So, we don't have to hear our own voice and all of the misery. So, for me, it was a long journey and it just happened that, you know, I was curious. I was a truth seeker. I knew I was uncomfortable. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn't really know what to do. But I would seek. I would seek out mentors. I would seek out courses. I was a conference junkie. I would seek out books. You know, I was reading other people's stories. Then, I started the show and I was interviewing people, but I wasn't telling my truth at that point. You know, all of these things over the years, all these different modalities from EFT to therapy, all played a role in me building up my tools, my backpack, so that I— when I got to the place where I felt ready, and even on the day when I decided to share in the TEDx talk, I was— I wanted to vomit all day long. Like, I was so nauseous and so ill for hours. So it doesn't mean that the fear ever fully goes away. You just get to a place where you're willing to hold its hand and take a leap anyway.

And before we dive into the TED Talk and that you having that moment on stage and revealing on stage, do you think there's a way— because for your journey and many people that I meet around the world, for many of us, I think what you said was brilliant, that the pain has to outweigh the fear. That makes us make the step forward because we don't want the pain anymore. Is there a way for people to have this journey without having to get that To that place, to that place of so hurt, so dark that I've gotta do something or else.

I think, you know, I'm going through a new journey right now and I'm in process of healing that and figuring out what it all means. And I certainly am much more confident. It doesn't mean that you don't have the emotional pain when you have to sit with the memories, the trauma, when stuff is coming up for you. It doesn't mean that the pain disappears entirely. But I don't have the pain and the fear around sharing, around doing the work, around sitting in it all. Like, I know that there's a process. I know that there— that you have to kind of go through the fire to get to the other side. I know that it's going to feel worse before it feels better. So you also build— and I think that this is the same with any skill in life, any entrepreneurial journey— you build You build like a frame of reference for success when you go through something. So, having that early journey around shame taught me what the process looked like and that there was an end result. That yes, it's going to be painful. Yes, it's going to be uncomfortable, but I'm going to be okay. Most of these voices are just in my head. Most of the worries don't ever happen. And the same with business. You know, you know there's this frame of reference. So, whether you go skydiving No matter what you do, you build this frame of reference for, I did this, this happened, this worked out, and now I'm at the other side. For me, healing is kind of the same. I don't think anyone needs to wait until they get to that rock bottom. You know, for some of us, that dark night of the soul, like, it's part of the journey. But I think at any point you can choose to go, okay, how do I find resources, podcasts like this? Mentors and courses and figure out how, you know, maybe somebody else has already gone through this. For me, that's one of the reasons that I seek so much through other people's stories and books and in the interviews that I do, because then you're hearing from someone who's gone before you and you get to hear what helped them the most and how they got through it. So, it gives you hope and wisdom and you— I think you always have to learn some of your own lessons, but it certainly helps to hear them from someone who's gone before you.

Our next segment is from the host of the Empowered podcast. Really powerful discussion on gender and identity. Brilliant insights from Terry Yoon. So let's listen in.

People don't necessarily identify with their reproductive capabilities. You know, there could be women who don't want to have children. Does that make them less of a woman? You know, because does that make them not a woman because they choose not to, you know, express the full potential of their reproductive organs? And similarly, a man may want— may have the desire to give birth, but that doesn't mean that he, you know, he can and doesn't make him a woman. And, and so biology is also different from sexual desire and how— and your identity. So one can be— can identify male or female, right, and be born in a different body, which is, you know, what transgender is. But then you can also have different sexual desires. So regardless of whether you're male or female embodied, you may have an attraction to male or female traits or, you know, people. And so there's you know, so many layers of gender identity that I think the whole thing is a continuum. Even if people who are biologically expressed very much one or the other, it doesn't mean that they have fully those traits that we have identified as belonging to those genders.

I think what you just said there is so brilliant in that why do we think that genitalia is the marker, or why do we think that reproductive parts are the actual biological Body parts are the marker. Why? What if the marker is the brain? And this is where people do get confused, and they go, "Well, wait! If you're born with this body, but your brain's saying this, then you need to convert to your body." As if the brain's not as important. Like they choose the judgment of which is happening here—the chemical, what they'll say imbalance, right? The chemical imbalance versus the just a different chemistry than they have. But so they say the body. The physical being must be what you convert to, which is interesting to go, well, what about the heart, the soul, and the brain? We have to ignore all those and make them something they don't fit in, is what you're saying, correct?

Exactly, yeah. And ultimately, it does have to do with the brain. And so if our brain is, you know, the organ that controls all of these things and the expression of all of them, our brain is not gendered. And so what does it really matter? And I think the main issue is not trying to reinforce these sort of myths of identity and gender, but to really go beyond it and to come to a place of acceptance. And back to your show, respect, that people can choose to express themselves and define themselves any way they like. And it's not just gender, it's with race or whatever, national identity, citizenship. You know, etc. So that's obviously one of the common challenges that we have in our day politically, right?

Right, absolutely. And when it comes to gender, some people who may be listening going, are you implying there's more than 2 genders? Is a question. And I've had that in audiences when I say, hey, inclusive means all genders, and people go, whoa, whoa, whoa, all? You mean there's more than 2? So can you explain that? Are there more than 2? Are they defined, or because there's a spectrum, when we say all, we're leaving the possibility open?

I'm not an expert on being able to sort of— I'm not an LGBTQIA expert, so I also want to say that, you know, beyond male and female, there's also intersex and, you know, obviously asexual. And so how you express your gender, it's the performance of it, basically. It could be the physical performance in terms of how you dress, It could be gestures. It could be the things that you like, you know, in your sort of day-to-day activities that you enjoy doing and how those are associated to particular genders. But ultimately, you know, the combination of those 3 things really determines what your gender identity is. And that's why so many people, even who are, you know, heterosexual, they might now consider, you know, using the they/them pronoun because They're tired of, of being, you know, pushed into this box and trying to fit in.

This next guest I want you to go back and hear again is such a unique personality. And I've known Tom for decades now and brings such a unique perspective to these conversations that I wanted to highlight this particular interview in this special show. This is Tom Antion. Now, Tom's made millions by internet marketing. and creating products that serve others. Let's listen in. You had to once write— this story I've never forgotten. You were giving a toast at a wedding and you started looking up, hey, where do I find toast? And you thought, hey, people are constantly looking for this. And you sold an ebook on toast for weddings that did very, very well by just helping people find it and get what they needed.

$72,000 a year for that, uh, for 9 years straight. It's not even selling electrons. I also had one, I don't know if you know about it, called Instant Eulogy. People were also desperate at the last minute. They're distraught and, uh, helped them. You know, that was $42,000 a year for 9 years straight, uh, helping people with eulogies. So, uh, it's all based around helping people. That's what we all do is help people. And there's a value to that.

Well, and I'm glad you brought that out because I think what a lot of times people think of internet sales, internet marketing, They have this negative stereotype that often has accompanied such industries as used car sales, that, or that there's this ambulance-chasing lawyer concept that they're manipulating people to buy versus serving people, being present to what people need and providing that to them, which is exactly what the eulogy situation was, exactly what the best man speech was. Uh, it was saying, hey, here's a need that somebody's not filling.

Well, yeah, and I will say that there is a respect Involved in manipulating people. Think about that. That's, again, I'm always going to go the other direction, right? I know. And in fact, you talked about scams. I started a— there's a TV show in development in Hollywood called Scam Brigade. It's me going after bad people. And the industry is fraught with it. So if I know that I'm going to take care of you as a customer and keep you from being robbed by other people, I want to get you to buy my stuff because not only do I believe that it's going to help you, I know that I'm going to keep you away from getting robbed by unscrupulous people. So there's a respect in there from my point of view. You can call it manipulation, but I'm manipulating you for your own good. That's— Yeah, so let's discuss that, Tom.

Are you manipulating or are you helping people find what they need? Like, why are you comfortable with the word manipulation? Some people would argue. Why are you comfortable with the word manipulation?

I'm comfortable because when you come from a position of goodness where you know you're in the other person's field, you've got a fiduciary relationship to take care of that person. I don't care what you call it really. I just know that if you go with me, I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to make sure you get great value. This is my one sentence business plan I was telling you about. I lived this way since I was 10 years old. If every business on earth would live by this one sentence instead of spending $100,000 to develop a mission statement, you know, this one sentence will do it. I create quality products that somebody actually wants at a reasonable price, and I service them after the sale. Every piece of that is respect for the customer, but it can make you a lot of money. There's no, no sin in that as long as you're giving that great value. Showing respect, not fleecing the people because they do not know any better, which is very common nowadays. So I do not really care what you call it, but I want you to— and anybody out there, not just me— if you really believe, like you, the work you do with the DATE Project and all that stuff, you know that you are going to keep people from getting out and getting in trouble, right? You have lived that for most of the time I ever knew you, right?

Right.

So you better darn well get people to go through your program to keep them. I mean, yours has bigger ramifications than mine does. Mine, you might, you know, have trouble making your car payment if you don't do it, but you, there could be, you know, lifelong ramifications or not have a life if they don't do what you say. So if you manipulate somebody to get somebody to listen to you, I'm cool with it. Totally cool with it.

So I love this language. I think it's very fascinating. Would somebody say there's a difference in influence and manipulation? In other words, manipulation is getting you to do something.

It has a negative connotation.

It does, right? It has a very negative connotation that you're getting somebody to do something they wouldn't do. But as I say that, I recognize that's not negative. Like to get somebody to do something they don't, they don't, wouldn't normally do is not negative. It could be incredibly powerful.

The people that you teach, if, if you can manipulate them not to get drunk and pass out behind a dumpster so that they're vulnerable, I'm okay with that.

Thank you for listening to the Best Of episode of 2018. I can't wait to have you join us in 2019, the new year. Before I answer this week's Question of the Week, I'd love to ask you a question. Would you please subscribe to this podcast, The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz? By subscribing, you can make a huge impact. Now, you might be wondering, Mike, how does my subscribing to your podcast make a huge impact? Well, here's how. For every person that subscribes, it raises the rankings of the show in the search engines. So for people who care about respect like yourself, when they're doing a search for podcasts, they're more likely to find this show, thus providing an awesome opportunity for us to spread more respect around this world. And all you do is hit subscribe under your podcast. Plus, the second benefit is by subscribing, you automatically get every episode Right into your phone or whatever device you are listening to the podcast on. It happens automatically. So subscribing also makes your life easier. Now let's get into this week's question of the week. Oh, and by the way, you can always ask your questions of the week by joining us on Facebook in our discussion group. It's called the Respect Podcast Discussion Group. Go there on Facebook and ask whatever questions you would like me to answer and/or address in this segment of the show. And then listen to each episode to find out when your question is included. This week's question of the week is, Mike, what is your favorite musical? Now, if you know me, you know that I am moved by music, film, and the arts of all different kinds— books. So I love when I get a chance to see a Broadway experience, and there are some very unique ones out there. I'm going to talk about another one on a different episode, but I'm going to answer this one about a 2017 show that I saw. From what I know now, it's not currently running. It was starring Josh Groban It was called The Great Comet of 1812. I found myself moved afterwards, even though there were parts of it I was like, I don't know if I like that. But it was so moving that it deeply impacted me for a long time. And I realized why. The relationships in there. There's manipulation, there's poor decision-making, but there's also a friend in there who is brilliantly, deeply there as a supportive friend. And she sings a song called Sonya Alone.

Mm-hmm.

That character does. I'm going to invite you to look it up on Spotify. Look up The Great Comet of 1812 and listen to the song Sonya Alone. Very deep, very inspiring, and it's just one of my favorites. We'd love to hear your questions, your thoughts, and your ideas, and the best place to leave those with us is on our Facebook page at facebook.com/MutuallyAmazingPodcast. Of course, you can always contact us on our website at mutuallyamazingpodcast.com. Remember to subscribe to this show so you automatically get it every week. And if you could take one moment to leave a review, that really helps other people find the show, which we are greatly appreciative of. So thank you so much for joining us. May you make today and every day a life full of mutually amazing relationships.