38: Rena Romano Supporting Survivors & Coming Forward
In this episode of the Mutually Amazing Podcast, host Mike Domitrz interviews survivor advocate, author, and speaker Rena Romano. Rena discusses her path from personal trauma—including childhood incest, adult sexual assault, and workplace rape—to public speaking, highlighting her TEDx talk “Healing Sexual Abuse Can Start with One Word,” her appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, and her memoir His Puppet No More. The conversation explores the pervasive shame and victim‑blaming that survivors face, the myth that “strong” people cannot be victimized, and how societal status (wealth, power, or lack thereof) influences belief in survivors. Rena shares practical guidance for survivors (calling crisis lines, using resources like RAINN, journaling, and seeking therapy) and for allies on how to respond when someone discloses abuse (thank them, acknowledge courage, ask how to help, avoid premature “I believe you” statements). She also provides statistics on sexual assault prevalence, emphasizes the importance of safe, non‑judgmental listening, and reflects on the transformative moment that led her to call a crisis line instead of attempting suicide. The episode closes with a call to action for listeners to support respectful, survivor‑centered conversations.
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Welcome to the Mutually Amazing Podcast. I'm your host, Mike Domitrz, with the Center for Respect. The episode you're about to listen to was recorded when this show used to be called the Respect Podcast. So, you might hear that mentioned during this episode. Well, let's get to the show. And this week is Rena Romano, who is an author of her memoir, His Puppet No More. A professional speaker and speaking coach known as the Positivity Pro, her mission is to lift others and help them discover their unlimited potential so that they will thrive and have the success they desire. She's a veteran of the TEDx stage and was a featured guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show. And I've known Rena now for a little while. Rena, thank you so much for being on the show.
Oh my goodness, Michael, thank you. It's such an honor to be here with you and your listeners.
Well, we're thrilled to have you here. What made you— you mentioned TEDx. TEDx, or I mentioned TEDx there in the intro. What made you decide to want to do a TEDx talk?
Well, it's such a big platform, obviously. It's, it's seen by millions all over the world, and I had a message to share, and what better way to share it but on the TEDx stage where they have millions and millions of viewers?
Yes, and your title of your talk was Healing Sexual Abuse Can Start with One Word. And it's gone viral. So you've been able to impact millions of people through that TEDx platform because of the power of that. If you were to summarize that, somebody's like, hey, I might be interested in that, what's it about? How would you do that?
Well, I talk about shame and, um, I'm getting a lot of momentum on it from the MeToo movement this past year on Twitter and Facebook. And the main platform is To make telling safe for survivors. And that makes a big difference in whether we shut down or get help. And not only making it safe to share our secrets, but also not to live in the shame of a crime that was committed against us.
Yes. And that's so important because in society, there's so many subtle and obvious ways that people victim blame And then shame the survivor instead of the criminal.
Absolutely. And it's like when, when I was raped in my own home, in my own bed, I was afraid to go to the police. I was afraid to, to tell anyone. I was afraid to tell my boss the next day that a colleague had broken into my home and raped me. Because sadly, my boss was sexually harassing me as well. And I had to find a new job, obviously.
And how do you respond to people who say, well, I mean, how can that be that you're a survivor and the place you work at happens to do this? I mean, what are the odds? How do you respond to that, Rena, when people have those kind of reactions to— when they meet somebody who's a multiple survivor of different forms of sexual violence?
Well, at the time, Michael, I had not gotten help for my child sexual abuse, my incest. So I think predators, they're like a lion. They can sniff out their prey. And I was vulnerable. I was weak. Even though I portrayed this strong, independent woman, there was subtleties about my vulnerability, and perpetrators can sense that. And so, I worked in an all-male landscaping firm, and I don't know. I just think that they can sniff it out. And so, like I said, I had not gotten help for my child sexual abuse at that time. Nobody knew any of my secrets.
Well, and I think this is so important for people to understand. They think, how can a strong— and we hear this a lot, particularly towards women— how can a strong woman not speak out or not stop that? And they don't realize the compartmentalization that the mind can do in these moments and saying that I will not look strong if I come forward, even though that does take strength. There, there's this perceived idea that if I come forward, somebody's gonna think of me, I was weak because I allowed this to happen to me. So do you wanna share what, why that, not why, but maybe even just how often that happens that you can be a strong person and not feel strong as a survivor?
Well, I think we all wear masks in our lives. We, we mask our true identity, our authenticity. And being around my mother, I mean, she was a, a strong woman, but she came from the era where you sucked it up. You didn't put your business out on the street as it, as if in a tabloid like we do now. All over Facebook and Twitter, all over the internet. She was from the World War II era, and soldiers go off to war, they come home, they sucked it up, they didn't tell their stories. She didn't want me to put my story out there after I did come forward to her. I was never taught that it's okay to ask for help. Because she came from that era where you sucked it up, you went about your own business. And now we know that that's not true. Even after she started volunteering at a domestic violence shelter, she saw the importance of asking for help, that it takes more courage to ask for help.
Yes. And that's the part that we need to stress more throughout society. I've met people in very powerful professional positions who currently or were at the time in very unhealthy, sexually violent relationships that people couldn't even imagine because they think that's not possible because I know that person's professional personality. They would never let that happen. How do you respond to those kind of that thinking of, well, that person would never let that happen?
It happens to every single one of us. It doesn't matter the status, financial status, ethnicity, background, socioeconomic level. It happens to everyone and even to Strong ones. I was sharing my story not long ago. And there was a gentleman that came up and said, I can't believe how you were able to forgive. He said, that never happened to me. But I was just recently taken for all my money. And I'm so angry. And he felt so stupid that that could happen to him. You know, he was a smart man, degrees, lots of money, and he was taken for every bit of his money. And so Those type of situations can happen to all of us. And those perpetrators just know how to manipulate and coerce and twist it around. So you don't even know what's happening to you until after it's happened sometimes.
Yeah. And I think people often forget that the more successful or maybe elevated you are in society, as far as position of power, The more there can be a shame around the fact this happened, because there's an additional element of, of all people, this wasn't supposed to happen to me.
Exactly.
And society's not going to believe it because of my power and the position I'm in. So there's this added element that can be there. Now, there's different elements that can be there when you're on the opposite end of the financial spectrum, of no one will believe me because, look, because I have no credibility. So either way, this can exist and no one's going to believe me.
Exactly. And so, you know, it's like, it's— our hands are kind of bound, per se. It's darned if you do, darned if you don't. It doesn't matter your status in life. It doesn't matter your credibility, your fame or not. But again, so this was several years ago when I was being sexually harassed, and then my colleague raped me, and, and I hadn't shared my story of incest at that time. And I thought, you know, people are going to blame me for this. What were you wearing? Well, my pajamas.
Right. You were, you were at home.
I was at home where I thought it was a safe place.
Well, I mean, let's just pause there. The idea that somebody would ask in someone's own home what you were wearing, you could have been walking around naked. It's your own home.
Thank you.
Right. I mean, that's, that's the insane part. You could have walked outside naked. And here's the weird part. If you walked outside naked and I said to someone, person walks by you naked, can you touch them? Everybody knows the answer.
Of course you can't.
But if I tell you somebody sexually assaulted somebody in their home, what were they wearing? I mean, it just doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
It doesn't at all. And, you know, when I was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, she said that, you know, I could be running down the street naked. And as that adult should not— should say, child, go home and put your clothes on. And so we are being blamed for the crimes committed against us when— why aren't the perpetrators being held responsible for those That's right, 100%.
Now, you mentioned Oprah, and we talked about it in the intro here. How did that come about?
Oh my goodness. Well, in the height of her shows, you know, Oprah's show saved my life, and I told her that because I saw her come out and share her story of incest, sexual abuse on her show. And I began thinking it the more shows she had on the subject. I'm like, maybe this has screwed me up more than I think. I didn't realize how much of a broken soul I was at the time. You know, it was sex, drugs, rock and roll, and it wasn't all fun and games.
Well, let's pause there because I think a lot of people hear, right, the sex, drugs, rock and roll, and it wasn't all fun, and they think, well, I mean, a lot of people experiment and have fun with sex, drugs, and alcohol who aren't survivors. What's wrong with that? But there's a difference when you're using those activities or choices to numb.
Exactly. And I don't look at some of that as, yeah, I was experimenting. But a lot of it, it— when it, when it goes from fun and games to numbing, then there's a problem. And it crossed over that line to where it wasn't fun and games anymore. I was self-abusing and self-sabotaging my success long after the abuse had occurred because I was in such pain.
Yeah, and we don't have a society that that gives us a platform for survivors. I shouldn't say us for survivors to feel safe in knowing that here's my path forward that's safe versus scary.
Exactly. And back to Oprah. So I I sent in my story, I watched Mackenzie Phillips talk about incest with her father. And Mackenzie Phillips said something on there. She said it was a consensual relationship. And I remember watching that show and jumping up on my couch and screaming at Mackenzie, no, you can't say that. There is nothing consensual about incest. It doesn't matter how old the child is. The perpetrator, the father, the brother, the cousin, whatever, they manipulate and coerce people into committing these acts. And we are so broken that we want to be loved so badly. We want that attention that we just— I froze. She froze. And yes, there is some participation or tolerance on our behalf because we are so broken. But I sent that story to Oprah.
So you sent this, you sent this story after watching Mackenzie, like that upset you. So then you, you sent your story into Oprah in reaction to the Mackenzie Phillips interview?
Yes.
Okay. And for listeners to know, Mackenzie Phillips is an actress, uh, in a show back from the '80s called One Day at a Time. But she's done stuff since, but most well known for that.
Absolutely. And, uh, so her Father is John Phillips from the Papa— Mamas and the Papas. And, but so that was my point was there is nothing consensual about incest. There— and incest isn't only just a blood relative, Michael, that people need to understand. When— let's look at the Larry Nassar scandal with the Olympic gymnasts. He is a coach to these young ladies. Coaches, teachers, that can be a form of incest too. Because we are so close to these people. These are the adults. And just to let you know, I got a thank you from one of the Larry Nassar survivors thanking me for my TEDx talk too.
Oh, wow. That's awesome.
Yes. She's going on to become a speaker and share her story as well. So that's how it all came down. I went on Oprah. I literally jumped ship to be on Oprah. I was on a cruise with my family and they said, okay, we're going to do the show. So they sent me a Airplane ticket at one of the ports and picked me up in a stretch limo.
Well, they took good care of you.
Yes, they did. So I sat next to my my mentor, my hero, the woman that saved my life, and I shared my story.
So how many years ago is this? Just for our listeners to understand, that was in 2009 October. Pretty close to when the show was going off the air.
Yeah, I can't remember the last year her show went off, but. Yeah. I'm one of the 25,000, 30,000 people, guests she had on her show in those 25 years. So, I was honored to do it. It was scary as all get out.
Let's pause there because I think that's a powerful statement. Because when you haven't, when somebody hasn't done a national show appearance, they don't realize why. I think their thing is, well, it's scary because you're afraid you might say the wrong thing. So, why is it? There's, there can be more to it than that. So, what are the fears that can show up? When you know you're about to go tell your story on national TV, on Oprah of all places?
I was scared to death, but something was driving me, Michael. I don't know what it is. My purpose, my God pushing me. Some force was pushing me to send that email and get on that plane and go. I just knew I had to do it. And for a couple of years before being on Oprah, I told people, I'm gonna be on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And they're like, yeah, sure, Rena. Sure, okay. There goes the crazy lady. I said, no, I'm going to be on Oprah Winfrey Show. And it— I just— one thing that I say in my TEDx talk, I grew tired of being ashamed of crimes I didn't commit. And I'm tired of seeing survivors being blamed for being sexually assaulted. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. We do nothing wrong, but we are the ones blamed.
Yeah. And over and over again and around the world.
Yes. All over the world. There's millions of us. I mean, people can look at the data, the data I've given on my TEDx talk, that with the results, 1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys is sexually assaulted before they're 18. But with those results, further studies have shown that there are roughly 42 million adult survivors in the United States alone. But then again, They say that is a low figure because so many rapes and child sexual abuse goes unreported.
Yes. Yeah. I mean, the odds of somebody having— before today's current society, and even in today's current society, the odds of somebody coming forward 30 years ago, oh my goodness, there was— nobody was talking about it. And then you look at 20 years ago, still odds, really. And even today, the odds are very slim because We're not having detailed conversations. We're having outraged conversations. Well, outraged conversations doesn't create safety necessarily for survivors. Like, this is appalling, it's happening, but then we're not stopping and going, okay, well, what are signs we could look for in the home that it is happening or that it has happened? We're not having those heart-to-hearts.
No, we're not having those heart-to-hearts. And I love the, the post that you put on your Facebook about educating our young men and boys. You know, it's not what should the survivor do, but it's what should What can we do to prevent turning our young society into predators, into perpetrators? What can we do to educate young people that this is so wrong? And you're right, we need to start having calm, intellectual conversations because I was suicidal. I came very close to killing myself. And there are a lot of survivors that are dying by suicide.
Yes, because— and people don't realize, well, I don't understand why they're taking their life if tomorrow's another day. But that tells you how much trauma is there that you can't see through the cloud to see there's a tomorrow. Not a tomorrow that's worthy of living in their mind and not realizing this will get better. But you can't believe that sometimes when you're in that kind of pain. It's hard to believe. And so what are key things that you would want a survivor to know if someone's listening right now and they're in that space? What would you want them to know, Rena?
It's not your fault. I don't care where you were, what you were doing. It's not your fault, dear one. It is not. And there are people who will believe you. And I have resources on my website at renaromano.com, and I know that you do too, Michael. But RAINN, the National Suicide Hotline, There's, uh, national domestic violence hotlines. There's lots of numbers that people from all over the world can call and they will be believed. Start the conversation. Um, I'm honest with people. If you, if you're starting the healing process, it's, it's tough, but it's so worth it. Yeah.
And I think you said something really important there. The first one was, no, it's not your fault. 2, You will be believed. Someone will believe you. So start, and this is what I love that you said, start the conversation. Speak to someone. I'm not, and we're not saying who to speak to. We're not trying to tell you how to speak about it, but give yourself the freedom to be able to speak the words, the pain that you're feeling to someone. Because Brené Brown talks about this. The more we keep it in the dark, the more it grows. So, if we keep pain inside, it just keeps building up and getting bigger and more of us is being taken over by it versus if we start to speak it and it can be said, it releases some of that from inside to the rest of the world, not just to us. And that's a freedom. That's a release of pain.
Absolutely. We have to start that conversation. And as in my TEDx talk, I say that I know that remaining silent does not work. Because I was suicidal. I hadn't told anyone. I was afraid, and I was taught that asking for help was a weakness. But when I finally did call the crisis center, the man on the phone was calming, gentle. He made me feel safe, and he made me feel proud that I had the courage to call. That was so huge.
Yeah, I tell people all the time, they'll say, Mike, what do I say if a survivor comes forward to me? Like, Mike, Sister, my brother, and they think they're supposed to first say, just so you know, I believe you, but that actually can be harmful if you don't put it in the right context. So what I always tell them is if somebody first comes forward to you, thank them. Say, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your courage.
Yeah, I was just gonna say, that's the second sentence I say. Thank you for sharing. Clearly you are strong. You are courageous. What can I do to help? What can I do to be of support? Then you listen. That's the key. Now, if they say, I don't think anyone's gonna believe me, then you go, I believe you. Then— but if you jump right away with, just so you know, I believe you, it can also give an image that no one else is going to. And you need to be— we need to be very careful about that. And for so long, people made that mistake of saying, make sure you tell survivors I believe you. And they did it with such passion, it almost implied no one else does but I do. And that can be very harmful.
That can be harmful. And I encourage people to go to YouTube Look up my TEDx talk. I'm receiving thank-yous from survivors and loved ones from all over the world. It's giving them an idea of how to listen without interruption or judgment, and then congratulate them on their courage and strength to persevere. Because one of the things that we need, or we must focus on, is our courage and strength to persevere during And after what we went through.
Yes, I think that's really important to what you said is, I think people assume the during, they forget the after.
After, it can be just as painful, because we're compartmentalizing, we're numbing, we're dying by suicide, we're living through addictions to cover up the horrific pain. See, I didn't suppress my memories, I suppressed the pain of what happened to me.
Right. Yeah. And that's the difference that people don't realize. And that's what can grow.
It grew and it was painful. And I remembered everything, but I suppressed the pain and I took myself out of the situation. It was as if I was above myself when it was happening because I just, I froze.
And what was the big shift for you? You mentioned Oprah. What was the big shift for you? Because you were, you were self-medicating, you were numbing. What was the moment that changed it all?
Watching her. And one night I was suicidal. And it was to the point I was drinking a fifth of rum a night just to get drunk. I was numb. And I was tired of the pain and the shame. I didn't know how to live with it. And I was thinking of how I was going to kill myself. And then after a while, I passed out and I woke up screaming, I don't want to die. I just don't know how to live with this. And I remembered the crisis hotline because I didn't want to die. I just didn't know how to live with the pain or the shame of it. And I needed to be taught how to work through this. And, and to get the resources and get the help that I needed, because I couldn't do it by myself.
So for you, instead of, instead of attempting suicide, it was place a phone call.
Place a phone call. Yep.
Which is so beautiful for everyone to hear. If you're in that moment and you're thinking about taking your life, pause and say, what— I need to call. I need to call someone right now. And that could be a confidential source like you did, a crisis line. Or it could be somebody you feel safe to call, and you'd rather call because you and I know some people won't call an anonymous line, but they'll call a friend.
Absolutely. And the friends, I encourage them to watch my TEDx talk too, because it— I've had many friends say, wow, that really was a big eye-opener for me on how to listen without interruption or judgment.
Yes, because that's key. And without trying to be a counselor or therapist, because you're not.
And don't try to fix it because you can't.
That's right. It's that you just need to be present. And by not trying to fix it and not trying to be a counselor or therapist, your mindset is, how do I get them or provide them the right resource instead of trying to be the resource? And often as friends, we think we can be the resource. And here you can do grave harm trying to be the resource because you could ask one question That you, you genuinely are trying to help and you create blame that you did not mean to create, and you just magnified the harm that was done.
Exactly. So it's okay to say, I'm not sure what to say or do other than let's find a resource for you to call.
Yes.
Because they're more equipped to handle it.
Right. They're, they're literally professionally trained for that phone call.
Yes.
Where a friend is not going to be. And, and that phone call training is in-depth. Like, to be an advocate, you're talking, depending on the program, you're talking about 40 to 80 hours of training just for those phone calls, just for those moments. So it's very in-depth training that it, it's required to be in-depth to make sure there is no harm done, that it's a supportive experience. And that's what you're gonna have when you call those services. Those crisis centers, those lines, that is so important. And Rena, through your journey, was there a champion of respect for you, a person in your life that as you came forward really was key in being there for you?
My mother. She had no idea what was happening to me as a child. She was a full-time worker. She went off to work, you know, the 9-to-5, hardworking woman. She thought that the people she entrusted us with were our protectors. They were our perpetrators. She died with the guilt, definitely. But she believed me. She helped me get help. There were my therapists, my other survivors who were in the group with me, later meeting my husband. He was my biggest advocate in helping me and saying, okay, it's time to write your book, His Puppet No More. That he says, you might have a big revelation writing it. And he was wrong. I had many. It was so therapeutic to write that book.
Oh, that's one thing that when people come up to me and say, what's one thing you hear has helped people in addition to counseling therapy? Journaling, writing. So many survivors have talked about just being able to write it out, what they were feeling, what they're thinking now, then just allows there to be a release. It once again takes it from inside to outside, even though it's still your journal. It's outside you. And so that allows a release that is very powerful.
Absolutely. And I had never journaled before because I was afraid to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper until I started writing the book. So it was a big— I typed out one sentence starting the day I started the book. And I spent the rest of the day crying for that little girl who had lost her innocence because I had never started writing before that day. So it was very therapeutic.
Well, and I think that's important for listeners to understand is the first word can be the most difficult. Once you do, it can start to flow because of that release. And that's so important for people to understand. And you don't have to write something beautiful. Uh, they— when you look at writing and you learn how to just write as a writer, there's a phrase to write your shitty first draft. Which the idea is stop thinking about the quality of it and just write what's coming to mind. That will give you a freedom of thought versus a self-editorial, which then becomes critical and judgmental, which is not healthy in this experience.
Right. And I think I didn't start writing before then because it made it real.
Yes. Right.
And I was still in denial. I didn't want it to be real. And that was a big aha moment for me, is it is real. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am proud of my courage and strength that I persevered. And going on Oprah even made it more real. And I'm just determined to, to, to make it real. And they're using my TEDx talk all over the world now for trauma centers.
That's awesome, Rena. The inspiration, the courage that you've shared today and throughout your life on this journey is simply awesome. I want to thank you so much for sharing with us today.
Thank you, Michael. It's been a pleasure.
And for our listeners, you know what's up next. That is question of the week. Before I answer this week's question of the week, I'd love to ask you a question. Would you please subscribe to this podcast, The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz? By subscribing, you can make a huge impact. Now you might be wondering, Mike, how does my subscribing to your podcast make a huge impact? Well, here's how. For every person that subscribes, it raises the rankings of the show in the search engines. So for people who care about respect like yourself, when they're doing a search for podcasts, they're more likely to find this show, thus providing an awesome opportunity for us to spread more respect around this world. And all you do is hit subscribe under your podcast. Plus, the second benefit is by subscribing, you automatically get every episode right into your phone or whatever device you are listening to the podcast on. It happens automatically. So subscribing also makes your life easier. Now let's get into this week's question of the week. Oh, and by the way, you can always ask your questions of the week by joining us on Facebook in our discussion group. It's called the Respect Podcast Discussion Group. Go there on Facebook and ask whatever questions you would like me to answer and/or address in this segment of the show. And then listen to each episode to find out when your question is included. This week's question is, Mike, what's one of the more difficult situations you've faced in all the work you've done for all these years? And there's one that does come to my mind, and that is that frequently when we're doing this work, survivors come forward afterwards, and often it's the first time the survivors ever come forward to say, I'm a survivor. And that takes strength and it takes courage, and it's wonderful and it's inspiring. And in this case, a survivor came forward. It ended up going to a criminal case, and it went to trial, and the person was found not guilty. That was tough because to see a person come forward and say, Mike, I'm a survivor, and to take the courage and the strength it takes to go through a trial and then not get justice for that person, that was so difficult to watch. And here's the one light at the end of the tunnel, that that's survivor strength and courage, that that is inspiring, and that they got to have their voice heard. Of course, we all wish that when survivors come forward, that justice was also matching. At the same time, we can recognize that even their voice being heard is so important and the strength and the courage that takes. We'd love to hear your questions, your thoughts, and your ideas, and the best place to leave those with us is on our Facebook page. At facebook.com/MutuallyAmazingPodcast. Of course, you can always contact us on our website at mutuallyamazingpodcast.com. Remember to subscribe to this show so you automatically get it every week. And if you could take one moment to leave a review, that really helps other people find the show, which we are greatly appreciative of. So thank you so much for joining us. May you make today and every day a life full of mutual mutually amazing relationships.
