86: Fending off Overwhelm Before it Ever Happens with Lauren Parsons

Welcome to the Mutually Amazing Podcast. I'm your host, Mike Damash, with the Center for Respect. The episode you're about to listen to was recorded when this show used to be called the Respect Podcast. So, you might hear that mentioned during this episode. Well, let's get to the show. And this week, hailing from New Zealand, New Zealand, New Zealand, New Zealand. Oh my goodness! New Zealand. Lauren is an award-winning wellbeing specialist with 19 years experience, mother of 3, and military wife. She specializes in helping people thrive and helping businesses create a positive, energized workplace culture. That is Lauren Parsons from New Zealand. Thank you so much for joining us.

Thanks, Mike. It's great to be here.

Well, we're excited to have you on here. So let's dive right into this because you talk about wellbeing, Why do you say it's vital to respect your own time and energy on that journey of being our best as far as wellbeing goes?

Well, I think because there's so many people these days that are feeling overwhelmed with the pace of life, the way that technology affects us now. And I'm hearing that word more and more, that people are feeling overwhelmed. People have got a lot on their plate right from the moment they wake up in the morning throughout the day, managing themselves and others. And workloads are just skyrocketing. So being able to respect your own time and energy, being able to structure, especially the way you start your morning routine and the way that you end your day, being able to bookend your day well to preserve your own energy so that you have more love and energy and passion to give out to others is really key. And often, if we don't respect our own time, we're saying yes to too many things and we end up becoming overloaded.

So what are specific steps people can look for, watch for, or participate in to make sure they're honoring that, you know, before they're in overwhelm? What are red flags or what are skills they can actually use?

Yeah, well, there are a lot of different red flags. So some things can be feeling constantly fatigued or tired, noticing more pain in your body, more aches and pains and tightness, feeling like you're losing that emotional intelligence, that ability to stay cool, calm, and collected. So, for example, parenting and just flying off the handle, or getting upset with a colleague at work and just letting loose. Noticing that you've lost some of your spark or your joy, all of those sort of things are good, good to keep an eye on and to take check and take stock. And then I guess the other thing is what people can do is think about their daily routine. So it's things like getting up and waking up at the same time each day, starting the morning with a practice of gratitude in some way, perhaps a movement practice with your favorite music on, even just for 3 or 4 minutes, changes the way that you start your day. And setting a positive intention of how you'd like the day to go. All of these things have been scientifically proven to help train your brain to be more focused and energized.

What would be a movement practice? What does that mean?

Yeah, so yeah, great question. So a great movement practice, what I tend to do is just a really nice gentle low-impact sort of stretching routine similar to yoga or tai chi. Some people would like to do something really energizing. One of my philosophies is to snack on exercise in short bursts throughout the day, like 1 minute at a time, and that's what I did my TED Talk in New York State last year on. So— The idea of fitting small bursts of movement into your day is incredible in terms of the energy it gives back to you and how well it boosts your mood and supports your mental well-being. So there's lots of options for morning routines and movement, whether it's getting outdoors or just staying on the living room floor and having a lovely stretch. I think it's best to respond to what your body feels like. So for me, some mornings I'll do quite a relaxation stretch and some mornings I'll be a little more active and I'll do a bit more Of what's called animal flow and get my heart rate up a little bit, but just for a few minutes to start the day.

So if someone's listening going, well, wait, how do I get a burst of energetic activity in the middle? If I'm at work, am I— I mean, dressed up for work, how am I running? I think they hear burst, I think, you know, sprinting, sweating when they hear burst. So what would be an example of an activity somebody could do at work?

So there's lots of little what I call deskercise routines. So just stand standing up from your chair at your desk, maybe holding the edge of your desk, leaning back into a lovely stretch, doing some press-ups or push-ups on the edge of your desk. So just— and really, really good point that you're in your, you know, dress clothes— just doing, say, 5 push-ups on the edge of your desk. So almost standing. Now, virtually anyone can do a standing press-up against a wall or against the edge of a desk. If you're really strong, you might take it down to a lower surface. If you have stairs in your office, going and taking a brisk walk upstairs has actually been proven by McMaster University recently. They got people just to take 20 seconds to briskly walk upstairs 3 times a day, and they found it significantly increased fitness in just 6 weeks. So there's lots of little things you can do. You know, sometimes I jokingly say, you know, lunge walk to the photocopier, because often I'm working with businesses where We're creating a culture change. And I kind of say that tongue in cheek, but just fitting movement in or fitting a stretch in when you have a chance, every time you talk on the phone, for example, or when you check your email to get up and move a little bit, because our bodies are designed to move. And often we become very stuck and static and, and it affects us. It gives us pain and tightness and it affects our mood most of all.

So you give me examples. Each of those are somebody trying to take care of themselves. A lot of people feel guilty taking time out of their day to do that. Like, well, if I take, 2 minutes ago do push-ups and I'm not doing that project I'm supposed to be doing. So how do you flip that mindset for people?

Well, relating back again to people in the workplace, our bodies have a natural ultradian rhythm, ultra meaning many and diar meaning day, that goes right throughout the day. We have a 90-minute upswing followed by a 15 to 20-minute downswing, and that repeats right throughout the day. And so it's actually much more effective in our work if we can do our focused, productive work during the upswing and then to take those breaks and that time out. Because when we do that, we actually are gonna come back and be much more effective and productive. Our brain's gonna be switched on. We're gonna be more creative and better at problem solving. So we'll actually work faster and more efficiently. So that's literally how we can work smarter, not harder. And the other thing is, in terms of people feeling guilty of taking time for themselves, I think in general, you know, taking some me time to do whatever recharges you is so vital. But often I have people tell me, oh, but I feel selfish when I do things just for me. So what I would say to that is that when you actually do things for you, you fill yourself up, and it's like you're filling up this cup to overflowing so that you have more love and energy and passion to give out to everyone around you. And I really believe that when you don't do that and then you just end up showing up as your more tired, grumpy, burnt-out, lethargic less than your best self, I actually believe that that is selfish. And so that may sound like a little bit of tough love for the listeners today, but the thing is that it's a bit of a mindset flip. If you can remind yourself that not looking after you is actually selfish because it ends up leaving you tired and lethargic, and replace that, re-record over that if it's in your head, with taking time for me is essential. And if you replay that in your mind, whenever you're having that thought, oh, I really should do this, or I could do this for me. Oh, but there's more washing to do. Oh, there's that report. Just remind yourself that taking time for you is essential and everyone will be better off for it.

And what you're describing is emotional intelligence, and you believe it's vital for parents, individuals, any form of leadership. So how do you define emotional intelligence?

Well, for me, it's that ability to be able to respond to situations and retaining your own personal power and your calm, centered self rather than just reacting. Because we all have moments in our days when our buttons get pushed. You know, I have 3 young children under 10, and boy, as a parent, I had no idea what I was in for in terms of the emotional roller coaster we go on when our kids try and push our buttons. You know, it could be colleagues or our boss or situations, even strangers. Interactions that we have and things happen, things are said that push our button. And emotional intelligence is that ability to be able to take a deep breath, to step back and realize it's not actually about you, maybe it's what's going on with the other person. And then to be able to respond in a positive way that will, you know, create a positive parenting solution or create a better relationship with your colleague. To be able to stand up for yourself. And own your personal power, but not to react or overreact, to be able to respond. Yeah.

And you started bringing up there the taking a breath. So how do people master that? How do they master that emotional intelligence of remaining calm and centered under those moments that it's very quickly to easy? I mean, it's very easy to sort of lose control at times, uh, and either snap at someone or just want to walk away from the situation. So how do you help people master that?

The most powerful yet simple way that we can actually quickly shift ourselves back to being in control is through deep diaphragmatic breathing. And it's interesting, I mentioned I was a military wife, and many years ago my husband was going on his first tour. They had all of us as families together and they did a workshop with these top military psychologists. And it was really interesting because the key thing that they taught us that day was just how to breathe diaphragmatically. So pausing and taking a breath is powerful because it's the one part of your autonomic nervous system, that automatic part of the nervous system that grows your hair and your skin and your nails and repairs cuts and bruises. It's the one part of that system that you can help to influence because your breath, while it's automatic, you can also influence the way that you breathe. And as soon as you do that, when you slow your breath, you know, if listeners are doing it right now as they're perhaps listening in, if you just Start to slow your breath and take a deep breath in, ballooning your belly out and just keeping your shoulders relaxed. And then breathe out slowly, relaxing your belly back in. And working towards being able to do that really naturally. When you do that, it sends this beautiful message to your entire body through your nervous system that you are calm and centered and safe. And so in those moments when you feel the opposite happening, when you can feel yourself going into fight or flight, into anger, into wanting to react, you can actually pause. And physiologically, it will make a difference to just pause and take 5 breaths, even if you have to walk out of the room. And this can also be helpful if you're going in to do a presentation or a high-stakes meeting or to have a courageous conversation with somebody. Pause and take these deep breaths so that you shift your physiology. Because when you shift your physiology, you shift your psychology. So what your body does affects how you feel and what's actually happening in your brain. So I know that was a bit of a quick, quick demo, I guess, but I'd encourage— if people aren't familiar with how to breathe diaphragmatically, just to Google it, watch a video, and spend some time practicing that, because it is one of the most powerful ways to shift your body instantly out of fight or flight and engage your body's natural relaxation response. And our bodies are amazing, and they can deal with a huge amount of stress. As long as we manage to oscillate out of that stress from time to time and engage our relaxation response. Because if we don't, we head towards burnout. So it's vitally important to have that skill in our lives.

All right, so now that was great. I love the specifics. Thank you of helping people pause in that moment. What if somebody wants to boost their energy? So that's the— now I want to calm the energy. What if I'm feeling a little lethargic? I want to boost energy. What are things they can do?

Yeah, well, this is really interesting, and this is what I love, you know, looking at how we use our energy over a day. So yes, we need moments where we can calm, but we need moments we can lift energy. So for example, when I'm speaking, I'll always start any presentation with everyone upstanding and usually playing a game and interacting and connecting eye to eye and creating laughter. Now, you may or may not have people around you to be able to do that with, but for yourself, there are different things you can do to instantly boost your mood. So, for example, 5 little things are that you can lift your gaze, so count the lights on the ceiling or look up at the sky. You can roll your shoulders down and back and have tall, proud posture. You can smile, because when we smile, that sends a message back to our brain that we're actually happy, even if we're not feeling the best at that moment. You can also take that deep diaphragmatic breath. And then you can Punch both arms up in the air in a V formation. Now, if you've heard of Amy Cuddy's TED Talk on how our body shapes our lives, raising both arms above your head as if you just kicked the winning goal in the football game, that position instantly boosts your mood and shifts your psychology. So that's, that's one thing in terms of, I guess, energy in terms of mood. And then coming back to the whole idea of Snacking on exercise, just doing something for, say, 30 seconds or 1 minute to get your heart rate up. So it could be just doing some squats on the spot, or what I call a squat reach, where you reach your arms up high above your head, standing tall, and then not bending over trying to touch your toes, but just go down into a squat with your hands by your shoulders, and just taking your arms up, your whole body high, and then going low. And if you're listening in and you're by yourself right now, you could do this. So reach your arms up high with me, and then squat down, and then reach your arms up high as you come up tall. And just doing 10 of those squat reaches, I find, is a great little energizer. Gets the blood flowing. Doesn't really work a sweat up as such, you know, like you mentioned before, during the workday. But it just energizes you. And even clapping your hands, making yourself laugh, there are lots of little triggers you can use to literally be intentional about boosting your body's energy so that you can head into that, maybe that dreary task. that you're not really looking forward to, you can get yourself pumped up and ready for it. And, you know, when you think of top sports psychologists and top athletes, they use all of these techniques to help people perform in the moment. Because it takes more than just thinking about it. We need to create change in our body. And we can shift our body's energy by what we do with our hands, our arms, our intentions, our thoughts. And all of those things together help.

What got you so passionate about movement? Like, how'd you get to this journey, this place?

Oh, that's an interesting story. I actually started off as the shy, unsporty kid back at school. I was always the one standing there when the teacher would say, hey guys, pick some people for your teams. And my classmates would say, hey, I'll pick you, and I'll pick you, and I want you, and I want you. And I would be the last one there left standing, just wishing that the ground would swallow me up in that moment because all I wanted to do was cry, and I didn't want anyone to see that. And I honestly went through all of my school years just hating physical education and trying to avoid it, being sick on sports days, and just being so intimidated and really lacking confidence in myself physically. And then somehow when I went to university, just like all my friends, I joined the gym. But I was still really intimidated by the gym, and I can recall walking in there and looking into this big sports hall where there were these ladies with these bars on their shoulders with these circles on the end, and they were doing these movements. And I really didn't know what it was called and thought to myself, oh, I could never do that. I would never be able to do that. And I'd just go and hide down the little circuit room at the end and copy everyone else. But one day a friend dragged me along to what was called a step aerobics class, which is actually one of the most complicated tasks classes to do because you've got the step to try and step on and off and different arm lines and leg lines to do. And so I certainly didn't get all of the moves, but what I found was that by the end of that class, I had actually really enjoyed myself. I loved the music and the group. And so I went back a few times, and after a while they said, if you want to be an instructor, just come and see us afterwards. So I did, and before I knew it, I was actually teaching. And, and that taught me 3 things. One, I discovered that I had enough coordination and rhythm to do choreography, which was great. And 2, I discovered there was someone who believed in me, and that was Amy, my boss at the time, and she was amazing. And 3, I discovered something I think is true for all of us. I found out that I was capable of more than I first imagined. And I think that's true for everyone, you know, that you are all capable of so much more than you've ever imagined. So that process of going from being really intimidated to then teaching aerobics went into me getting into lecturing, personal training and nutrition, and then life coaching, and then helping businesses and individuals boost their health and happiness. And it's been an amazing journey. And what's always remained at the center of it is being passionate about helping people get started, especially people that were like me, perhaps intimidated, not confident about getting going or getting into physical movement, because it can be a really scary space. And I think the people that need it the most are those that that don't naturally want to spend time there. And not that I'm saying you actually need to spend time at a gym at all. Now mostly what I do is help people with routines they can do in their home and routines they can do in their workplace to boost their productivity as well. So yeah, so that's kind of my backstory. And, you know, as I say, I believe that everyone is capable of more than they first imagine, because if little old Lauren Parsons from Palmerston North, New Zealand, who was intimidated by the gym and, you know, always Last we picked at school, if I can go on to help thousands of people boost their health and happiness, then you can do anything and change really is possible.

So Lauren, you clearly believe in people standing up for themselves. You just, you've stated that beautifully throughout. So how do people stand up for what's important for them and get what they want at the same time?

Yeah, that's so key. Well, know, if I think of— I've had a lot of clients over the years where communication really is the key. So for example, I'll share a story. I once had a husband and wife, and, and I was coaching the wife of this partnership, and she was chatting about some frustrations that she had in her relationship. And when we unraveled it all, it really came down to a miscommunication. And this is another thing that I'm passionate about because So often this happens that we assume things in life. And we make all of these assumptions that actually mean we miss the boat in terms of clearly communicating what we want. And so I believe in using this process called complete communication, which is all about sharing what we want and stating it clearly. And why we want it and how we want it and when we want it. And most of all thinking, why is it important for me? And why is it important for the other person. And that last piece of the puzzle is the most important part. So in this story, for example, my client said, you know, that it was a busy weekend day. She'd been out with her daughter for the afternoon, came in and noticed that the kitchen was still full of dishes. And so she went out to her husband, who was just sitting relaxing watching some sport, and said, hey honey, can you do the dishes? And he said, yeah, sure. And so she then went and bathed their daughter and got some other things ready. She came back about an hour later and was really frustrated walking into that kitchen and seeing these dishes were still spread all over the counter. And so she ended up just getting frustrated and did all the dishes in a grumpy mood. You can imagine just, you know, the vibes coming off. And later on, we were talking about this, and her husband popped in a few hours later and said, oh, I was going to do the dishes. And she, as you can imagine, responded, Yeah, but you didn't, and, you know, I need to get on for dinner, and we were going out to the show tonight. And so there'd just been this breakdown in communication, and at the time she couldn't really see it. But when I talked through, well, what if you'd said, hey honey, could you do the dishes? And is it okay to get them done by 3:30? Because I want to get that lovely roast meal on so we can sit down as a family and really enjoy it before we head out to the show. Is that okay? And so by sharing it that way, You might have noticed that there was the what, there was the why, there was the when, which was really important, and there's what the benefit was going to be for both her and her husband and the whole family. So I think this is something, and I constantly fail at this as well. I noticed it myself recently. We were going to do a photo shoot at home, and, you know, they always say don't work with kids or animals, right? But I wanted to get some family photos and some photos of my husband and kids as well as some professional shots for the website. And I noticed at one point when my husband was there and he was wearing his green military socks. And quickly, because I was feeling quite stressed out at the time, I had lots going on, my daughter was playing up, and it was really hard to try and get some nice photos with her being grumpy. And I noticed my husband was wearing these socks. And so I said to my husband, hey honey, could you just take your socks off? And that was all I said. And so in my mind, I'd very clearly asked him to take his socks off. But what happened next was he disappeared for like the next 5 to 10 minutes. And during this time, I was increasingly feeling concerned. My worry was escalating. Dinner had not been prepared, and we were supposed to be doing some photo shoots with dinner. The kids were playing up and getting snarky at each other. My other daughter didn't want to change her outfit at all. And I was trying to remain calm and keep smiling. So anyway, my husband comes back downstairs, and he's now wearing black socks. And I am like, in my mind, why are you wearing black socks? I did not ask you to put black socks on. But he had gone away and understood that I'd asked him to change his socks. So he disappeared upstairs, and then he got distracted doing some things. But this is actually not his fault. It all comes back to me. Because if I had actually said to him, hey, honey, I think this photo is going to look really great with bare feet. So can you just take your socks off? And then would you be able to help prepare the salad? Because I'm running a bit behind, and I really need your help right now. That would have actually explained what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted it, why I needed it, and what the benefit would have been. So it wasn't his fault about the salt. So I just put that blame all on me. So I guess that gives a couple of examples of where, you know, people listening may recognize times in your own life where you've assumed things. If you can use that complete communication process and most especially find out how it's going to benefit the other person, it will give you smooth sailing to get what you want so much more often.

Well, thank you for sharing those. Those are great examples that we can all fall into very easily. And I want to make sure Everybody can find you, Lauren. So I want to make sure they know your website, which is laurenparsonswellbeing.com, which we have in our show notes. So all of our listeners can find it in the show notes. You also have snackonexercise.com, which is great. I love that snackonexercise.com. And I want to thank you so much for sharing with us today, Lauren.

Thank you. Thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure. And I hope that is helpful to you all. Thanks so much, Mike.

Absolutely. And for our listeners, you know what's next. That is question Of the week. This week's question is, Mike, for a person that has never been sexually intimate with someone, how do you approach your first kiss, the first time you have sex, the first time you engage in a sexual act? This is a great question. And the good news is that the answer is consistent no matter what choice you're making for the first time. Share your thoughts with your partner, right? And let people know that. Set a foundation. So if you've never kissed someone, there's nothing wrong. In fact, it can be very empowering to tell a partner, You know, I haven't kissed someone, and when I do, I want to know that it's the right person in the right moment, and I want to make sure they give me a choice. And likewise, if I make the choice that I want to kiss someone, I'm going to give them a choice. I'm going to ask them, would you ask me before you would ever kiss me to honor myself and my boundaries and my wants? Would you be cool with that?

Right?

And you make it sound fun. Now, once you're in a relationship with someone, you can do that, the same conversation about any sexual act. Or any level of sexual intimacy. Hey, before I make that choice, I want to know it's the right situation, the right time, the right partner. Would you always give me a choice and respect my answer? And of course, I'll do the same for you. So you use your words and you use your spoken words so that you two are able to connect and listen to each other, see how each other responds in those moments. And is everybody honoring the other person's boundaries and their own boundaries throughout that process? We'd love to hear your questions, your thoughts, and your ideas. And the best place to leave those with us is on our Facebook page at facebook.com/MutuallyAmazingPodcast. Of course, you can always contact us on our website at mutuallyamazingpodcast.com. Remember to subscribe to this show so you automatically get it every week. And if you could take one moment to leave a review, that really helps other people find the show. Which we are greatly appreciative of. So thank you so much for joining us. May you make today and every day a life full of mutually amazing relationships.