A military sexual assault prevention expert argues that training must shift from "don't do this" to teaching concrete actions every service member can take. His sister was raped in 1989. He uses an exercise called "the look" to show that each person's moment to intervene is different, and that leaders must enter uncomfortable conversations because they're accountable for the culture they create.
Chapters
When it comes to addressing sexual violence, the number one fear many military professionals have around the world is the failure for their programs and training to create positive behavioral change in the lives of the men and women serving our country. We need to go from a don't— what not to do approach to a what-to-do approach. What can I personally do to make an impact? Everybody say, hey, Quentin! Hey, Quentin! How do they know when it's the right time to make that move? The eyes. The eyes! We call that the look. And on the count of three, not until the count of three, you're going to share with everybody here this morning your version of that look. Here we go, Quentin. One, two, three. Give it up! Give it up! Give it up! What's interesting is I've been doing this for thirty years. We're working with the military for twenty years. I've never seen the same look given twice. I've never seen that version of the look ever before in my life. Why is that important to understand? Because that means everybody in this room. has a completely different look. And if everybody has a completely different look, there's no such thing as the look. I learned a lot from this guy today. He gave us a briefing, and it is something that I did with my girlfriend as well. I asked her what she wanted to do, if she wanted to do it. And with me doing that, it showed her that I had respect for her. Trust me, it's worth it. This is key. If Jesse attempts anything sexual with Erin's body that night, Erin can't consent by what I described. I clearly said incapacitated. What sailors tell us is happening all the time at parties and bars is the setup of sexual assault. Is it your business what happens to another human being right in front of you who's in a dangerous, vulnerable situation where you could help? Is this your business, yes or no? Yes. Give me reasons why. Why is it your business? I'll have people say, if it was my family member, I'd want someone to intervene. I'll have people say, that goes along with our core values and we're supposed to live our core values 24/7, not just in uniform. Here's the one I almost never hear. That'd be the most powerful answer there is out there. When somebody says, why would you intervene for another human being? Imagine if somebody in this room had stood up and said, I'm gonna intervene because that's who I am. Oh, and it would be nice to have role models out there that, you know, that are doing things to reflect the same message that was given today. For me, this is personal. In 1989, I received a phone call from my mom That the youngest of my older sisters had been raped. It was 1989. I remember it like it was yesterday. Why? One thing was going through my head. It was a very simple, clear thought. I wanted him dead. If you think you feel the same way in that moment, just say, yes, I would. I know I was there. I felt the rage. I felt the anger. I felt what I was going to do when I got my hands around their neck. All normal feelings, by the way. Had I acted on those feelings, would I have made my Worse. Worse. The only way your families all are safer is if we're all looking out for each other in this world. That's it. That's the only shot we got, because we can't all be there. I couldn't be there when that happened to my sister, and that's what bothered me, that I couldn't be there, that I wasn't there. But we can't. When I finally realized I can't do anything to reverse what happened to my sister, but I can do a lot to make sure this never happens to another human being, that's when my life changed. The sad part of my story is that it took my sister being raped for me to have this wake-up call. None of you need to wait for that kind of a phone call to make a difference. You can all do the right thing when you leave this room because one, it's who you are, and two, you have the skill set to do it. Do people fear confrontation? They can. However, here's what we know about confrontation: people do not fear When they believe it's worth it. So do I need to know people that courage? No, I don't. Do I need to know people to honor them, their value in this world? No, I don't. You put on the uniform knowing you could have to put your life on the line for this country. Now, does that mean you want to have to be in a situation where you put the life on the line? For a lot of people, they're not hoping for that situation, but if it happens, they know, I believe the country's worth it. Right, so when we believe it's worth it, we do what it takes. So the question becomes, is Aaron worth intervening for? Please answer it like you mean it. Yes or no, is Aaron worth it? Yes. And one of the coolest aspects of working with the military is that we're not reinventing the wheel here. What we're doing is strengthening that foundation of respect so that we truly have a culture of respect throughout. The sin of the system is that we think, well, You know, only 2% of our soldiers are the problem. The reality is 95% of us are the problem. Because that means if I haven't stopped the case that I've been present for, I have to put myself in the percentage. A leader will admit to their Marines, today's gonna get uncomfortable. And I'm not even the best person to have this conversation. But as a leader, it's my responsibility to have this conversation. And I'm willing to get uncomfortable because you mean that much to me. Question number 1. Does every human being deserve a choice before you do something with their body sexually or intimately? Yes or no? Yes. Question number 2, how do you normally give somebody a choice in life? You simply ask a— Question. So we all believe in asking first.
