Mike DomitrzPresident, Author, and Speaker on Respect, The Center for Respect, Inc. · Author & Speaker on Respect for Schools, Corporations, & the Military since 1990 (has reached

Don't assume rejection is about you.

13 Sept 2023 · 1 min

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In this brief self‑help talk, the speaker illustrates how people often personalize a "no" by using a relationship scenario where one partner asks for sex and the other replies "not tonight," then immediately asks why they don’t want sex. The speaker points out that the partner’s response is about personal circumstances, not a personal slight, and notes that many people make the rejection about themselves. The same pattern is transferred to the workplace: when a manager or colleague says no to an idea or project, it is frequently interpreted as a personal attack on the proposer’s brilliance. The speaker argues that such misinterpretation devalues the individual, creates unnecessary conflict, and hampers communication. The core message is to recognize that a rejection is an opportunity or a decision about the idea, not a judgment of the person, and to avoid taking it personally.

Chapters

A spouse says to a partner, do you want to have sex tonight? Partner says, not tonight. This partner says, why don't you want to have sex with me? Hmm, interesting. What was the interesting word there by the partner at the end? Me. Now, do a lot of people do that? Yes, they do. They make it about them. How come you don't want to have sex with me? But that person said they don't want to have sex at night. It had nothing to do with you. But we make it about ourselves. And that's exactly what can happen in the workplace. Hey, they said no to an idea. They said no to a project. They did not say no to your brilliance. They did not say no, that, that could work at another time. Now if they did, that could be degrading. They might have handled it that way. That can happen sometimes. Like, that's a stupid idea. Right? Now we got problems. Right? Because now you are devaluing. Right? With that kind of language. But yeah, that is a major item. People think any form of a no or rejection is personal attack versus it's an idea that they're turning down. It's an opportunity they're turning down.