Ep 11 Sean Douglas MPEG4

And today, we are welcoming a very cool special guest doing amazing work out there. That is Shawn Douglas. Now, if you've never met Shawn, Shawn is a U.S. Air Force veteran, TEDx speaker, master resilience implementer, suicide awareness trainer, performance enhancement expert, and international radio show host and author. His show is called is called Life Transformation Radio. And we're going to get right into this. Shawn, we wanted to have you on because, as you know, this is the Respect Podcast and a lot of your work relates to that. Particularly, we want to talk about suicide and resilience today. To get started, particularly with that discussion, I think it's really important people hear your story from you instead of me. So, you could give people a little background. That'd be wonderful.

Yeah, absolutely, man. My background comes from growing up in Detroit, and Detroit, I don't think, ever has really been that nice of a place. But my mom and dad divorced when my dad went into the Air Force when I was in first grade, and from second grade on to seventh grade, I grew up in an alcohol-dominated domestic violence household. My stepdad was abusive towards my mom, my older sister, to me. The physical, emotional, mental abuse, it takes a toll on you. It really takes a toll on you. By the time I was in 7th grade, my mom had had enough. He had gone to jail so many times. The family came and got us. We stayed in my grandparents' basement for like 2 years until I was a freshman in high school. Went through freshman in high school and then started fighting and getting in trouble and doing a bunch of stupid stuff and was in therapy. Then we moved and finished up 10th, 11th, and 12th grade year. I was still getting suspended, started experimenting, started doing other things that just— because I didn't care. I didn't have no purpose. I didn't have any drive. I didn't have any ambition. Half my family was like, oh, poor you guys. The other half was like, you got to live an amazing life. You have an opportunity. They were the empowerment people. By the time that I was 18, I had lived in 11 different houses and attended 8 different schools.

Wow.

It was insane. That prepared me for the military.

Right, right.

It prepared me for the military. At the time, I was like, my life sucks. I don't have any friends. Why am I going to make friends? I'm just going to move in a year or two. My 3rd grade year, I went to 2 different schools my 3rd grade year. It's what happens. I joined the military and then I found alcohol. Because the drinking age in England is 18 and I'm stationed in England, my first duty station, I was drunk all the time. I didn't have to feel anything. I didn't have to do anything. But I was the type of drunk where I was good for a while and then all of the stuff came up, you know, and all the feelings came up, which made me want to drink more, which drove me deeper. And it was, it was ugly. I was, I was an ugly— I was cool for a while and then it would just take a sour turn.

Wow.

And so by 2005, I'm in an alcohol and drug abuse prevention program with the military. By 2007, my house burned down. And I did what everybody does whenever you go through a traumatic experience, you get married. And so I got married in 2007 after my house had burned down. And then in 2008, we got divorced. And then I decided that, you know what, I'm never going to amount to anything. I'm never going to be anywhere. So I decided to take my life. And I tried to do that. It wasn't successful. People grabbed me, stopped me, took me to the hospital. They saved me, brought me back. Through chaplains and again alcohol and drug abuse classes and all that stuff and people actually taking the time to give value into my life, I then became a drill instructor for the military because I had overcame all this stuff. That propelled me into speaking and training, which then propelled me into being a resilience trainer, which then I said, this is amazing stuff and it's changing my life. I bet other people can get their lives changed. So I hit the ground running and now, I look back 10 years ago, 10 years ago, me and my wife are fighting, arguing. I'm drunk all the time. I'm getting yelled at by my boss. I mean, it's ugly. 10 years later, I have a show about transformation. I'm a master resilience implementer for the military and I do a lot of work with USO, veterans, and love what I do, man.

Well, you can see that passion in you and I think what's powerful about your story, Sean, is you and I— you served in the military, I get to work with the military a lot. I don't think people realize how much support systems there are there for people who are struggling. I think people have this perception that our military leaves people abandoned in these moments. Or just kicks them out and treads. And I think there were times in the past history— we had a recent guest on that that was true of with the topic of sexual assault in his— it was a ways back, but we're in a different place today.

Right.

Mental health is a priority in the US military and supporting. And your story really highlights that because they didn't give up on you in even multiple situations where there could have been opportunity to say you're out.

Oh yeah.

And we're not getting you help. They kept getting you help.

Yeah, yeah. I think, I think that you bring up a very good point. I do want to say that in the military, just like there are in any area of life, any job, some people just kind of fall through the cracks because of a crap supervisor. Somebody's like, you know what, I don't want to deal with this guy anymore. I'm just, I'm out. You know, there's times where people mess things up, like on the job, and you're like, okay, you You're getting reprimanded. Oh, look, you did it again. We're taking a stripe now. Oh, we're taking some rank. We're taking some pay. You know what? You're so messed up. You know what? You're out. Bye. Just, you suck at this thing. You got to go. Right? But in my case, they were like, he's a good worker. He's struggling with addiction. He's struggling with this stuff. So they had a chance to get me out, but they didn't, and I'm thankful for that. I know guys that have served in the military who ended up with a heroin addiction. And they kicked them guys out of the military but entered them into a rehab program on the way out the door. You know what I'm saying?

Right.

Now, the veterans, the veterans, I can't speak on the actual veterans who are in the VA system, like they've been there for years and like, because I'm not in that system right now. Do they get left behind? I can't really speak to that. Everybody wants to think that they do, but I will tell you that you're 1,000% correct that there are tons of programs out there. The problem is pride gets in the way and people just don't want to take advantage of them. I mean, really, if you think about it, you know, there's a lot of things like, well, I don't want to, I'm okay, I'm okay, and they just want to do it on their own. And sometimes you just can't do it on your own.

No, absolutely. And so I think it's great that you pointed out that for you, you had those resources and somebody didn't give up on you. They kept trying. What was the turning point for you? You mentioned, you know, you were taking those classes, you're going in those programs and going right back in and right back in. And anybody who has family or friends who have struggled with addiction have seen the roller coaster, right? If they haven't experienced it themselves, they've seen the roller coaster. What was that point that made you go, oh my gosh? What point when you attempted suicide was the turning point of, what have I just done?

Yeah, that— so I was in the depths of the hell that I created. There wasn't anybody— when I really look back on it, I created all of the destructive behaviors and self-defeating behaviors. That was me. It was me just, I don't want to deal with it, because that's my whole life. That's what was modeled for me. My mom didn't want to talk about the abuse. My sister didn't want to talk about the abuse, and she had issues early on in marriage and things like that.

Yeah.

I think what, what was a tipping point was that I got to the lowest— like, I hit rock bottom so hard that I bounced off the rock, you know what I mean?

Right.

And so, and so in that moment— and as a suicide awareness trainer, we preach all the time, like, there's a suicide hotline, there's this, there's this— and I teach awareness where if this person is exhibiting this, if this person is exhibiting this, ask them about it, care about them, and escort them somewhere. Escort them to a chaplain, to the hospital, to whatever. Like, Don't leave them alone, you know? And what I have found even in my own suicide attempt was that I masked all my pain and I really didn't want people to know about it, not because I was embarrassed. I just didn't want to deal with it because when you deal with it, then it kind of becomes real.

Yeah, Brené Brown talks about that, right? What's in the dark can thrive in the dark. When it comes to the light, we can address it and move forward.

Right. And sometimes I've met people that are like, no, I just— this is where I want to be. I'm like, you want to live like, like what? And they're like, it's just, this is what I want to do. I'm like, this is great. Like, how would you want to live at a low level? You know what I mean? But that's what their comfort level's at. That's what they know. That's what's been modeled. They've never shown anything different, you know?

Yeah.

So the tipping point came when I was saved and I was getting some, uh, some counseling and some other things like, well, you know, do you have goals? Do you have dreams? I'm like, yeah, but they'll never happen. Like, I was such in a negative mindset and somebody gave me a book by Norman Vincent Called The Power of Positive Thinking. I read that book and it was like, ding, there's something to this. I like this. So I started getting into personal development, professional development, and then when I became a drill instructor, you're forced to operate at a high level. My accountability partners that I had pushed me when I didn't want to be pushed, when I wanted to give up. And so between the literature and the accountability and, you know, having a brotherhood next to you, you can't fail.

Well, that's a great example of teamwork, right? Really being present for each other and challenging each other. And so at what point did you step out of the military?

I'm currently serving still.

You are? Okay, because I'm here talking— 3 more years. All right, so I think a lot of people were confused because we said you're— it's And you know, in your bio and all, it says Air Force veteran, and that's where I got confused because I thought, well, wait, I thought Sean's still in. So I appreciate you clarifying that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, I go back and forth on that because some people are like, well, let's put veteran because you can't represent the Air Force. I'm like, well, I'm not representing the Air Force. Like, well, it can be conveyed.

So I get it. So the Air Force prefers you say veteran so that it's not implying you are right now representing yourself as part of the US Air Force.

Yes, correct.

And for anybody who's listening or watching, that is true across the board in the military. For instance, you're a speaker, I'm a speaker. No one in leadership can give me an endorsement anywhere in the US military because doing so says the US government's endorsing me, and that's a commercial endorsement. You, for those listeners, might remember that a few, couple years ago, the Trump family, one of them referenced their own products. And people— that was a trouble issue because the government cannot endorse a commercial product. And it's the same for us. And speakers have made that mistake. You can't do it. So I get why they do that. So it's just a side note for our listeners that if— yeah, why we can see that. What do you think is key for someone who's in that struggling space? And you see someone who's in that struggling space, what's the best you can do for someone?

Be there for them and show up with empathy. Emotional intelligence goes a long way, and if you don't know what they talk about EQ, EQI, they talk about emotional intelligence, and what it is literally in its simplest form is showing up with empathy, not sympathy. You know, it's like it's gonna be okay, but they don't believe that it's gonna be okay. So telling them that's just gonna piss them off. You know, if you show up and go, you know what, like my grand my grandmother died. About a month or two ago, something like that, a month or two ago. That was tough because that's like when we were going through all that stuff, that's the one person I could just— she could hold me and I could be in her arms and I knew that I was safe. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

When she passed away, it was like— it was literally— I felt like my childhood died with her because all of my summers— they have a 10-acre farm. We were out there snapping beans. Picking corn. I'm driving the tractor with my grandfather, hammering nails. He had chickens and horses. This was where I felt the safest. So when she died, I felt like my childhood died. If somebody told me, it's going to be okay, I'm like, dude, I know. I know that, but I'm mourning my— you know what I mean? If somebody comes to you and says, I just recently lost my grandfather or my grandmother or an aunt, or, hey, my mom just died too. Because I had a friend that their parent just passed away and I was like, man, like sucks. And you connect, right? You connect. You're like, man, it just sucks. Like, you know what? If you live in the memories and you're like, yeah, that's true. Like, oh my God. And you can connect that way, you're going to get farther. I promise you, you're going to get farther.

Absolutely true. I know we teach audiences all the time. One of the worst things you could say to someone— and I used to make the mistake because I'm known as this high-energy positive person. So, I would be like, oh, you know, it'll be all right. It'll be— and then I learned a few years back, uh, I, I should have applied what I knew for survivors because for survivors I knew not to do that. But I did it in other realms and you realize that's not connection. That's cheerleading when somebody does not need cheerleading.

Yes.

Uh, and there's a huge difference when you need it, when you don't need it. And so, one thing that we teach people to do all the time is when somebody shares something like that with you, hey, I lost my grandpa. Wow, thank you for sharing. Because right there we're like, okay, I'm glad you're able to share that with me. And instead of I'm sorry, which is what people tend to do— oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Oh, sorry about your loss.

Yeah, well, what do I do with that except tell you it's going to be okay? Like, you put it on me now to make you feel better because you seem more distraught, right? It's a weird thing when people do that. And I know it's what everybody teaches, but we I think what you just said is so important. That sucks, right? That's a connection point. Well, that sucks, right? Or, I really lost my grandpa. How you feeling? That's sincere.

Yes.

How you feeling?

How you feeling? Like, right, I'm feeling great. I'm not feeling, you know, and if they hit you with it's gonna be better, like, oh, you had me, right?

Right. Right.

Like, you had me, you know. I think it's a great point.

Yeah, because even that sucks can work. But it can also be wrong. Like, there'll be people like, you know what, nope, I'm— they're in a better place, it doesn't suck. Uh, versus when we start with, you know, there are people that, that have that experience. They watch somebody in pain for a long time.

Cancer.

So, right, when they say, I lost my grandmother, and you say, wow, that's— thank you for sharing, how are you feeling? That allows them to say, it sucks. And then you can be like, yeah, I can only imagine. Because you can't say, oh, I know what you're going through, because everybody's different. But I can only imagine, or I've, you know, I know it sucked when I've lost someone, without co-opting their story, obviously. You don't want to make it about you. Yeah, I think this is all important. What about when you are the person? You know, you said, hey, people were trying to help me, and it was for you as being given that book. What do you think is key when you are the person, if they're listening right now, that could help them?

So, so I'm the person that needs help?

Yes, right. I'm the one struggling. I'm in a dark place. I'm contemplating making a very bad choice here.

Yeah, you know, I, I reference that sometimes, and I really try not to live in the past, but I think that a lot of our learning and our growth comes from those things that we've overcome. And, you know, my mindset was just Everything sucks. I always mess things up. When somebody says 2 toxic things, I call it the toxic 2. They say always, never, I never can do anything right, I always mess things up, and they're self-sabotaging or self-defecating or they're self-harming, whatever. I'm so stupid. I always mess things up. I can never do anything right. My life always sucks. When they start Blaming themselves and using that all-or-nothing mentality, that is a recipe for disaster. So if you ever hear somebody saying that, you got to cut them off. The mind— you have to, like I said, you have to get with the mindset that they're in right now. They don't feel like— they don't believe in themselves. They don't think that there's anything else on the other side. They've hit the wall. They've hit the— they're in the depths, right?

Right.

They're down in the well.

So, how do you, at that point when they're, hey, my life sucks, everything always bombs, and you don't want to play the, it'll be better, because that's not going to help. So, is that a point of, okay, what are you feeling right now that you're saying that? Is that where you step in there and go, what are you feeling? Because then I can address the feelings. Well, I just bombed this project. Okay. Well, that's a project. But you also— is that where you do put something positive? But you also just had the success a week ago. Or you also—

Right.

You had 4 days of work where you got everything done today and you had a 5th day you didn't get it done. Is that that kind of an approach?

Yeah. So, my approach is that when somebody says that type of thing like, this sucks, I always like, I'm just going to quit. Like, this is stupid. This is, you know, I'm like, well, what makes you say that? Like, what evidence do you have? Like, why do you feel that way? You know, they'll tell me like, well, I always mess this up. I mess up relationships. I mess this up, you know, whatever. I was like, well, what's one of the good things that's happened during this process? Yeah, you lost your job. You got fired. Yeah, you lost your grandmother. Yeah, you whatever. Well, what's positive? Nothing. Come on, man. There's got to be something positive. Did you love the job? You kind of just help them along. Did you love the job? Well, no, not really. Well, then you're free of stress. You can do anything you want. You just start adding more positives. Science has proven that gratitude lowers the risk of depression, anxiety, and stress. So if you're like a super anxious person, super depressed, count 3 blessings a day. And it can be something simple as, I'm breathing. You are. That's right. You are breathing. I'm alive. You are. You are alive. And so if you're alive, then you have purpose. Well, I don't feel like I have purpose. Well, why don't you think you have purpose? You know, and so you start to kind of be a coach and a friend, but you're using gratitude as the foundation to Build them up. Once you can count 3 blessings a day, it starts steamrolling. Once you start doing that for about 40, 50 days into 60, 70 days, it starts to become a habit. You start to train your mind to rewire your brain's nervous structure and find the positives. It's proven. Science proves that you can actually rewire your brain's nervous system, your nervous structure, to actually frame your mind in a certain way and only look through that lens. So, where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on the positives, energy becomes positive. You focus on the negatives, you'll only see the negatives.

I love it. So, Shawn, you know, we're all about respect. How do you feel respect plays a role here, or the person fails to understand respect in this process?

Having respect for the relationship, it literally means that, like having respect for the relationship. When I tell people that, like, you need to have respect for the relationship, I don't care what my 4-year-old says half the time because it's mostly gibberish. But having respect for that relationship means, oh, that's great, honey. That's amazing.

Wow.

You know what I mean? It's showing empathy. It's showing that you care. It's living through your actions. Having respect for somebody means that you come from a servant heart, not a self-serving heart. Every conversation doesn't have to be, what are you going to do for me? It doesn't have to be every basis of conversation, but having respect for the relationship shows That you care, you have your empathy, and moreover, that you actually show through your actions these things that we're talking about.

Well, and I think what you say there is so important because respect in a relationship also goes to yourself.

Yeah, self-love is huge.

Yeah, do you have empathy for yourself? Because a lot of what we're discussing is a failure to have empathy for myself. Pity is not empathy.

Right, right.

So there can be a lot of self-pity. Pity, but not empathy. It's why I tell people, please don't say to people, I'm so sorry, because it comes off as pity. Empathy is, thank you for sharing. How are you feeling? Then they say, that sucks. Yeah, that does suck. That's empathy. Pity is, oh, I'm so sorry that—

Right.

Or this kind of thing, that must suck. You know, like, your life sucks, right? That kind of a thing. That's pity, and we do it to ourselves a lot of times, especially when someone's in a dark place. They give a great deal of self-pity but not self-empathy.

Exactly. Yeah, man, you know, everything starts with self-love. You know, I— during my TED Talk, I talked about how you can't fix what's going on around you until you fix what's going on inside you. You got to fix your heart, you got to fix your mind, and when you can think, feel, and believe In the way that best suits you for success, for positivity, for— right? Then you can start helping other people around you. But a lot of times we don't fix ourselves. I hear it all the time with like coaches and mentors and stuff like, I'm so good at coaching this person, but man, I suck at this. You know, like, why is it so hard to coach you? Because you don't see it. I'm like, well, take a 10,000-foot view and ask the same questions to yourself. that you would ask your coaches, your mentees, your whatever. So it has to start with you, man, and you have to master— self-mastery has to come first before you can start to master other people. That sounds bad but you know what I'm saying.

No, I understand. Helping others. Yeah, yeah, yeah, helping others.

Master your profession. How about that?

Yeah. In your life, who do you help— who do you think helped instill respect?

Oh man, that was my grandmother and my grandfather, 100%, 100%. Both— actually, I'd say both my grandparents, but just thinking off the top of my head, as soon as you said who did it, it was like my grandmother and my grandfather. So I remember my grandfather would always tell me, he's like, boy, I tell you what, and every time he'd just shake his head. I'd say something stupid or we'd be out somewhere at a flea market somewhere. It was his thing to go to flea markets. And I say something stupid or do something stupid or make somebody mad, he goes, boy, I'll tell you what. And he would just shake his head. I knew I had messed up and I knew I was disappointed. And then he would come across as, here's what needs to happen. And he would just deliver like this life lesson. And I was like, okay, Papa. Okay. And he's like, no, really. That's what he did and it really meant a lot. My grandmother would She's like, you know I love you, right? You know, you know, you know you're loved. Do you know that, you know, people are here for you? Do you know this? You know, like, yeah, yeah. No, do you know that? Like, she always wanted to make sure. So between my both sets of grandparents, you know, they had their way of— and I think that's, that's kind of a prerequisite for grandparents, you know. They're not yelling, screaming, carrying out like your, like your parents, you know. They're the, they're the calm, like, rationale ones, like up on, up on mountain high, like with this Life lesson, you know, that's going to change your life, you know. And yeah.

Yeah, what those— that is great stories. I love hearing that. And you're right, a lot of people, it can be a grandparent, especially like you. You, you know, you're very open about, I didn't have a great childhood. So to have the grandparents be the voice is— I had a voice. Some people don't have either. So you did have that, which is wonderful. What do you think mistakes people make when talking about suicide? You know, it is in the news more. We're hearing Sadly, more and more celebrity cases, so that keeps it in the news. It's unfortunate that it takes celebrity cases to put it in the news, that day-to-day cases don't do the same. But what do you think are mistakes when you hear people reacting to those cases, like on the general society?

Just really what I'm thinking right now is that for the past like 3 days, I haven't heard Kate Spade's name. So it's like a huge— it's a huge thing, like for the first 3 days, it's a huge news story. And then it's gone. And that's it. So it's cool for a little bit, right? And I just— I'm like, come on. Like, how do we keep it top of mind?

Right.

You know, how do we frame this in a way that really sets the standard to where we need to be looking out for this stuff? You know, and I don't really have the answer to that. The only thing I can say is it has to be personal somehow. has to be personal, like Out of Darkness walks, you know, USO, Red Cross, veterans, you know, like across the board, veterans and civilians, there has to be some kind of like monthly awareness. There has to be like, you know, something going on.

More public service announcements on TV.

More public service announcements, something. Yeah, like instead of having a commercial for fricking Doritos, why don't we have a commercial for like suicide? You see, pay me 99 cents a month to foster this child in like Uganda or something like, you know, like you see all that stuff. And you see like this pet was left outside, you know, like you see that's why don't we have, you know, why are we not highlighting, you know, human abuse? You know what I mean? Why don't we have a, why don't we have a 30-second commercial about human trafficking? Why don't we have a 30-second commercial about, you know, alcoholism and addiction and suicide? Because it's, because it's just taboo. It's not a hot topic. Like it's, well, you know, you don't talk about parties.

You get all that in the military network. So for those who are not aware, the military network, TV stations and the networks the military puts out.

AFN.

AFN, that's correct.

All the time.

AFN, there's no commercials. So, what they do to fill in commercials is public service announcements. So, you have so much on mental health and sexual violence and— but it's really neat because you know all your— if you're watching TV, you know your resources. There is no way you don't know your resources. So, that's a really positive part of that. You know, Sean, what do you think is a book that was life-defining for you? You already, you already named Vincent Peale's—

Just one?

Power of Positive Thinking. What would be a second one in addition to that one that you would recommend?

Gosh, you know, I've read so many mind-blowing books, um, and I don't want to give like the Think and Grow Rich and 4-Hour Workweek. I want to get— oh man, what is one that really I would say the one that I absolutely love is The 21 Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell. As a military dude, as a leader, man, that's gold. Oh man, that's gold.

Yeah.

But as a personal development, like a relationship, like a whatever book, I would have to say recently the one that comes to mind is The Miracle Morning.

Oh yes, I love that book.

Oh my gosh, like just reading it, you're like, how do I not know this? Like, you know what I mean? Like, how do I— and there's a lot of business books that I was like, oh my gosh, right? But like life-changing books, yeah, the ones that I just could not put down, Miracle Morning by far.

Yeah, for anyone who's listening or watching, there's a great acronym in there. You can start your day with SAVERS, S-A-V-E-R-S. But I'm gonna make you get the book If you're listening, because we're not going to cheat that way. But it's so cool and so powerful. You have a website called thesuccesscorps.com, as in military corps. So it's thesuccesscorps.com. Can you tell everybody what that is?

Yeah. So the Success Corps in the next 10 years is going to be the premier entrepreneurship speaker, trainer, podcaster, business owner academy. It's going to be bigger than Zig Ziglar, bigger than John Maxwell, bigger than Brendon Burchard. I'm putting it on here right now. You're listening to it. You heard it here first. And 2018, 10 years from now, you're gonna see the Success Core everywhere. You wanna be a podcaster? You come learn from us. You wanna be an entrepreneur, speaker, business owner? You come learn from us. What it is, is you learn the ins and outs, 'cause everybody says get a mentor, get a— but you can't afford a mentor or whatever. Okay, well this is totally affordable, because I have coaches from everywhere, mentors from everywhere. And so if you wanna— Be one of those, those things, you have to join the Success Core. We unlock your true potential in elevating your life by digging deep into why it is that you want to do. We highlight the why. We then go into those transformational moments that you've had in life that are putting you on this path now. And then we unlock 5 areas. We unlock wealth and finances, health, personal relationships and development, professional development like your business, and then spirituality, which has nothing to do with religion. Has everything to do with the fact that we're gonna strengthen a set of beliefs, principles, and values that you already have. Once you unlock those 5 areas of life that we all have in common, you can then elevate to the next level.

Love it. Thank you so much for joining us, Sean. You've been fantastic.

You as well. You should be a podcast host. You've done well.

Well, thank you.

And a speaker.

I'm sure you'd be great. I'll give it a shot. Thanks, Sean.

Thank you.