Mike Domitrz, a teen dating violence prevention expert, explains why trying to fix an unhealthy or abusive partner is a dangerous myth. You can't change someone else; they have to choose it themselves. If you're in an abusive relationship, you deserve to leave now, not wait and hope they'll improve.
Today's question is, Mike, how do I change my partner? Well, I'm glad we are discussing this question because it's one that we've heard. We particularly hear this a lot from teenagers, but sometimes adults too. This concept that if I'm in an unhealthy relationship or I'm being controlled or my relationship is violent, well, then I need to change my partner. No. You deserve to be free of that relationship. You deserve to be out of that relationship. It is not your job to change anyone. All right. In fact, you deserve to not have to change a violent person. That's not on you ever. All right. There's just multiple reasons that that's dangerous. One, it's already violent and you deserve to be free of that. One great reason to get out of the relationship. That should be all, right? Number 2 though is this theory that I'm going to change them. Falsehood. You're not going to change another human being. You might provide insights or feedback that help them have a moment where they go, oh geez, I didn't realize that, and they want to change and they choose to change. But you aren't changing them. This is super important to understand. I'm not changing anyone in my life and no one's changing me. The only one that changes me is me, and that's my responsibility, not my partner's. Therefore, it's not your responsibility to make them nonviolent, non-controlling. That's their responsibility, and you don't need to stick around, and I don't want you to stick around while they're figuring that out. And while they're figuring that out, they're still being controlling, violent, and harmful to you. That's not okay. It is never your job to change a partner. In fact, it's not even healthy mentally for you to think it's, I'm going to change them, because that really is misleading yourself and lying to yourself. And I don't want you to do that. I know people teach that, unfortunately. You can change someone by doing this. You can change someone by doing that. No, no, no, you can't. You can give people insights. They choose to do what they do with those insights. But if in any way that they are being harmful, you deserve to be free of that right from the start, immediately. You don't need to wait for something to change. You deserve to be free from that at all times. That's today's question.
