In this instructional talk, Mike Domitrz outlines two core principles that make sexual consent valid: it must be given enthusiastically and it must be ongoing, existing in the moment. He explains that enthusiasm signals mutual desire, contrasting a hesitant "okay, I guess" with a clear "yes," and highlights how lack of enthusiasm can indicate fear, discomfort, or coercion. Domitrz then clarifies the concept of ongoing consent, rejecting the misleading term "reversible" and emphasizing that consent can be withdrawn at any time without negating prior agreement. He uses a scenario of a couple making out to illustrate that a partner’s change of mind is a legitimate, moment‑by‑moment choice. Throughout, he stresses that consent is always a choice, never an obligation based on earlier statements, and encourages open communication to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.
Chapters
So when discussing consent, there are 2 critically important and essential ingredients. One is that it is enthusiastically given. Enthusiasm is so, so important. 2 is that it is ongoing and in the moment. Ongoing and in the moment. So we're going to discuss both those concepts right now. One is enthusiasm. You want it to be enthusiastic, and the reason why is consent is all about something being mutually wanted, and enthusiasm expresses that, shows that, reveals that. It's so, so important. Quick example, you say to someone, may I kiss you? Their response is, okay, I guess, versus, yes. Huge difference. Huge difference. That yes showed you they were looking forward to it. They wanted this. Just like you want this to happen, they want this to happen. So that tells us everything when it comes to consent. It's so important. Now, consider the person who said, Okay, I guess. There could be a million reasons they're not showing enthusiasm, and many of them could be dangerous, could be concerning. Some of you go, what do you mean concerning or dangerous? Well, they might be hesitantly agreeing because they're afraid of saying no. Like, they don't want to do this, but they think if they say no, it might hurt your feelings, or if they say no, you might get mad, so they just agree to it. Right, but that's not mutually wanted, and we want it to be mutually wanted, and enthusiasm shows whether it's mutually wanted. It helps reveal that, right? It could be that they really like you and they want to do this with you, but just not yet. They're not comfortable in that moment, so there's no enthusiasm. There's a lot of reasons that are cause of concern, or it might be that they're not comfortable expressing what they want or don't want yet, which is a concern. Because if you're not comfortable enough to talk about it, it might be a sign that you're actually not ready to do it. Even though you might think you are, it might be a sign you're not ready. We want enthusiasm. It makes it so much more fun, by the way. Way more fun. Now, the second concept I discussed was ongoing and in the moment. Ongoing, in the moment. So important. You'll often hear this referred to as reversible. Now, I don't use reversible because students get confused and tell me they get upset with that. What they'll say to me is, Mike, you mean reversible like if I say I want to make out with you and 5 minutes later, I decide I don't want to make out with you anymore, that reverses the fact that I said yes 5 minutes ago and that 5 minutes we just made out wasn't okay? That's the problem with the word reversible. People hear it that way. So we use the word ongoing in the moment because that scene— let's play it again. Say that somebody says, hey, I said yes. Now we're making out. 5 minutes in, I decide I don't want to kiss you anymore. I say no. It's not that I reversed agreeing to you 5 minutes ago and that 5 minutes is something that was against my will or against my wishes. No, no, no. It means that in this moment, 5 minutes in, I've decided I no longer want to kiss. And I have that choice to do that at any moment because consent's ongoing and in the moment, which means in this moment I chose I don't want to kiss you anymore. Does it reverse that I agreed to do this for the first 5 minutes? No, it just means that now in this moment I do get that choice. And that's the cool thing about consent. It is always a choice. So ongoing in the moment, super important. Partner says yes, changes their mind, that's in the moment. They have the right to do that. You change your mind, you have the right to do that. That's what's beautiful about ongoing in the moment. You never owe someone based on what was said earlier. It's in the moment. That's why this discussion is so important. We want enthusiasm, we want it ongoing in the moment, and speaking about a moment, thank you for joining me in this moment of discussing consent. Thank you.
