Mike Domitrz teaches students how to respond when peers mock asking for consent before kissing or intimate contact. He counters common dismissals like "it ruins the moment" by explaining that consent protects dignity and actually deepens intimacy, and shows how brief, respectful interventions can shift a culture around bodily autonomy.
Today's question is, Mike, what do I do if I hear my peers, other students at school mocking the idea of asking for a kiss? There are people out there mocking the idea of asking somebody before you do something with their body sexually or intimately. So let's be very, very clear. There is nothing funny About not giving somebody a choice before you do something with their body sexually or intimately, whether that be a kiss or whether you consider that more advanced sexual intimacy. There's nothing funny about failing to give somebody a choice. There's nothing funny about failing to make sure you have consent before you do something with someone's body. Nothing funny about that. When you hear people mocking it, I simply want you to stand up and simply say, oh, well, what's funny about it? If they're like, well, nobody would ever do that. That's so stupid. Nobody would ever do that. The moment someone says nobody, you can disarm that entire argument by simply saying, oh, I do, or I would, or I would like that. I know I would like that, because then the nobody has no credibility. And by you saying, I know I would, then you're acknowledging there are people asking. In fact, you are. So now they've got to come up with why asking doesn't make sense. So they're like, well, I don't need to ask. I know what someone wants. You can be like, well then why wouldn't you ask? Wouldn't you always get a yes? I mean, if you know they want to, why don't you give them the chance to say yes? Now, if they fire back with, well, you know, that would just ruin the moment. Well, I mean, I'm assuming that if you're doing stuff with a partner that you're sexually mature enough to be able to talk about the stuff you're doing so it would never ruin it. In fact, it would make the moment more special for somebody to look in my eyes and go, you know, I'm really attracted to May I kiss you right now? May I kiss you? That would feel good to hear they want to kiss me. Of course, I know that means— I'm assuming, and I'm assuming you are, that you have that sexual maturity. Right. What you're doing is you're addressing whatever concern they bring up by just using logic. Look, there's only one ultimate way you can give somebody a choice, and that is by asking them, hearing the answer, and respecting the choice, which means asking, can I kiss you? It's one of the most wonderful things you can ever do in a moment of intimacy. More importantly, it's the right thing to do. You give someone a choice, you respect the answer. For those that are mocking it, I'm going to really encourage you, if you hear that, to pause and say, hey, do you realize what you're making fun of? By making fun of the idea of somebody being given consent before somebody does something with their body, You're mocking sexual violence. You're mocking sexual assault. You think it's funny that others weren't given a choice. There's nothing funny about that. We need to support all survivors. And the way you do that is you show that you believe in a culture, you believe in a world where everybody deserves to be given a choice before something is done with their body. Before. The way you do that is you ask. Greatest way that you can say, I I believe rape is awful. I believe sexual assault is awful. I believe every human being deserves a choice, is by encouraging a culture where everybody gives that person a choice by asking. That's the key. If you hear any mocking, please stand up to it. Do it in a positive, respectful way by simply saying, well, why wouldn't you? And encourage the conversation. Also let them know, hey, that's really not funny. There are survivors that can hear that and that can be painful and that can be hurtful and I'm sure you don't mean to do that. Notice what I'm also doing? I'm making sure that I'm running by the highest standards. I'm not demeaning the person I'm talking to. I'm saying, I think you don't mean to do that, which means I think you're this wonderful person and maybe you just don't realize this. You're always working to the person's better half, right? The better quality of them. So important because we believe in dignity and respect for all people. That includes those we disagree with. That's why this conversation is so important. Please listen for when you hear people mocking, asking for a kiss. And really engage in that conversation. You might really make a huge impact in a person's life in a 15 to 30 second conversation.
