Mike Domitrz leads a live assembly on sexual assault prevention, consent, and bystander intervention for middle and high school students. He shares his sister's rape as his reason for the work, and teaches a four-step framework for intervention. The core message: ask first, read body language wrong, and schools can shift culture by teaching students the right questions.
As we work with caring educators and passionate administrators around the world, what we're hearing is, Mike, we're scared. See, we want to do the right thing. We want to address sexual assault.
So I ask you as an audience, is Erin worth intervening for, yes or no?
Yes.
Why? Raise your hand and give me reasons you believe Erin is worth intervening for. Yes? Because it's a human being. Because it's a human being. How many agree that's the only reason I need, that every human being deserves to be treated with a basic level of dignity and respect. If you agree with that statement, say, yes, I do. Yes, I do.
That's what is key. Bringing in a program that makes your life as an administrator, your life as an educator easier because all your students have the skills they need to make a difference and they believe deeply in wanting to do the right thing.
Thank you. Thank you.
Alrighty.
Have a seat.
Do most people ask first or go first? Go for it. Go for it! How many think that it's possible your partner could give you a look on a Friday night, it leads to what you want. Saturday night, they give you the exact same look. Exact. Doesn't necessarily mean they want the exact same thing. Yes or no?
No.
No. Which means body language is not only unreliable, could be potentially dangerous. Now, some of you are like, Mike, what do you mean dangerous? Well, 2 people are sitting next to each other. The one places their hand on that other person's leg. That person sees it and thinks, oh, they're touching me. They want me. I'm going to go for it. So they make a sexual advance. this person doesn't want. Could we quickly have a disastrous situation? Yes or no? Yes, we could.
And today was such a wonderful day. And I believe that many young people my age should learn how to respect their partners and everybody around them.
You're at a party, somebody walks up and goes, hey, I'm not sure, I'm not positive, but it looks like Jesse might be trying to take advantage of Erin. You use those words, someone will do this. Well, then Erin shouldn't have been drinking that much. If you actually called it what it was, people would stop it. If one of your friends walked up to you at a party and said, I think that's a potential setup of a sexual assault. Your friends would be like, what? Where? Because when you call it what it is, no one in the room can deny the responsibility to do something.
The show was very, very great. I enjoyed it. I learned a lot from the show. And that Mike is a very, very good host. He's very, very intelligent, knows his stuff. And I can say that asking first is the best thing to do.
All right, give it up, give it up, give it up. Give it up, great job.
This is personal. In 1989, I received a phone call from my mom that the youngest of my older sisters had been raped.
I'm hearing over the phone that my sister's been raped. One thing is going through my head, it's a very simple, clear thought: I wanted him dead. If you think you might feel the same way, just say, yes, I would. Yes, I would. I know, I was there. I felt the rage, I felt the anger, I felt what I was going to do when I got my hands around his neck. By the way, all normal feelings. And then I finally realized, wait, there's nothing I can do to reverse what happened to my sister, but there's a lot I can do to make sure this never happens to another human being again. I was 19 when it happened. I was 20 when I started speaking out. The sad part of my story is it took my sister being raped for me to have this wake-up call. None of you need to wait for a conversation like that to do the right thing. You can all do the right thing when we're done here today because one, it's who you are, and two, you have the skill sets to do it. I'm proud of you.
What are you actively doing in your schools to completely transform the culture to one being built on respect, to one being built on mutually amazing relationships?
So how am I talking to my kid about something I'm not so sure I experienced? That's a valid concern. Here's the good news: you don't have to have had that. It's not your job to teach your kids the answer. It's your job to teach your kids the question. Our kids have the right knowledge. Their behaviors are not matching the knowledge because they, they haven't presented it in a way that they think is realistic. They want to do the right thing, but they don't believe it'll work, so they don't even try. So we're trying to get them another set of tools that says, I deserve better than the world is presenting to me when this happens. And today is not about feeling shame or guilt. Today is recognizing, and I can do better going forward. There's not a single person in this room who is perfect. How many agree, especially when it comes to relationships, there's no perfection? If you agree that's true, say, that's true.
That's true.
So we're all just getting better, and that's what today's about. By the way, if you just did those 4 steps, could you stop a few sexual assaults or a lot?
A lot.
You'd stop a lot. Think about how powerful that is. We all just said that this is happening a lot. That's one scary part. But the second part is we have the ability to stop it, which is empowering.
The most exciting part is the results. See, when you rebuild a foundation of respect within a school community, you see students thriving in healthy relationships of all kinds. You see students more willing and excited to stand up for each other and support each other on their journey.
Question number 1, does every human being deserve a choice before you do something with their body sexually or intimately? Yes or no?
Yes!
Question number 2, how do you normally give somebody a choice? You simply ask a—
Question!
So we all believe in asking first.
