Student Assembly on Respect, Consent, Bystander Intervention, Survivor Support and Sexual Assault.

Who wants to win a t-shirt? I'm looking, I'm looking. Right there, standing up. Come on down. In the white shirt. Come on down. Let's give these 2 a big, big round of applause. Give it up.

Excellent.

All righty. Your first name?

I'm Petar. What's that? Petar.

Petar. Everybody say, hey, Petar.

Hey, Petar.

Petar, we're going to have you stand right where you are, Petar, all right? right there. Your first name?

Shanice.

Everybody say, hey, Shanice. Shanice, we're gonna give you a seat right here. Shanice, right there. Excellent. Now, we're gonna start, we're gonna start with Petar here. Petar, you're gonna imagine that you're representing everyone in the room when it comes to dating and intimacy. All right, Petar? Yes. Now you're gonna notice, you're gonna notice that I use the word partner because we do not assume anybody's sexual orientation, gender, or identity. Does that make sense, Petar? All right, very good. Here's the deal, Petar. You're on a date. Date's going so well, you want to give your partner a kiss.

All right?

Yeah, you like this. All right, very good. Petar, how do you know when it's the right time to make your move? We got a microphone so everybody can hear you nice and loud there. Give it up for Petar. Come on, give him a little love here.

All right, would you like a little help?

I feel it in the gut. You feel in the gut. All right. All right. Very good. So it's that feeling you get. Now, do you think you're trying to read each other's body language in that moment?

Yeah.

Have you ever heard of getting that look?

Yeah.

Oh, you know that look? All right. Very good. Now, now, Petar, once somebody gets the look, do you think most people stop and say, may I kiss you? Or do most people just go for it? Most people go for it. Let's see what the room thinks. Do most people ask first or go for it? By the way, that is— so that's how today's gonna work. Just so you know, I'm gonna go like that, and you get to passionately yell out the answer. There's only one way we can't do that. And that is if it looks like people can't handle the maturity of the conversation. If it goes that route, I have to go lecture mode. I don't know about you. I hate lectures. If you hate lectures, say yes, I do. So instead of side chatter, if you have something to add to the conversation, just raise your hand and ask me the question. All right, so that's a much better way to handle this. So Petar, you said, hey, we know it's that look. The audience says, yeah, people are looking for that, and then they make their move. Here's what we're gonna have you do. We're gonna have you imagine the exit sign back there is your partner. All right, yes. And on the count of 3, not until the count of 3, but on the count of 3, you're going to share with everybody here your version of that look. Here we go, Petar. Yes, yes. Now actually, are you ready? You ready? All right. So we're going to count to 3. Here you go. Let's count to 3, audience.

1, 2, 3.

Give it up. Give it up. Come on. Give it up. Give it up for Petar. Well done. Excellent. Great job. Go have a seat right here, Petar.

Now—

yeah, yeah, yeah. Now the 2 of you are playing characters in a romantic dating movie. Yeah, everybody go ooh. We're actually— we're going to change your names that way you're not representing yourselves. So your name is now Chris. Your name is now Taylor. All right. Now Taylor, you happen to be the more assertive one in this relationship. You're like, okay, yes, I am. Yeah. So, and you want to let your partner know you're interested. But the room has already said you're not likely to ask first. So where are you likely to, um, well, to place your hand on that person to let them know? All right, hold on. Timeout, timeout. I can see a few of you took that a whole nother direction. And you're proud of it. All right. So keep in mind, it's a clean show. So you just want to let the person know you're interested. Where are you likely to place your hand? I didn't say to do it. All right. So very good. That's all right. That's all right. Now, You're good. You're good. You placed your hand on his arm. Now where's his arm located? It's on his leg. Now here's the interesting part. The person being touched when they look at that, and they're into the character of Taylor. So if you're Chris, you're into Taylor, and you see the hand here, you weirdly don't see it on your arm. What does the person actually notice about it? They think they're actually touching the leg. That's how it's perceived in the mind, weirdly enough. So now suddenly you're Chris, you look down and you see that hand is next to your leg. you might have one of two reactions. Remember, you're into Taylor. Reaction number 1, oh, how nice. Or reaction number 2, hands on my leg. Yes, they want me. Which reaction, which reaction do you think most people have if they're Chris, they're into Taylor and suddenly being touched? Reaction 1 or 2?

2!

Reaction number 2 is what most of you just yelled because that is the most common answer we hear around the world. Regardless of age, we hear reaction number 2. Now, why is that interesting? Because that means we just misread the character of Taylor. Taylor was only letting us know Taylor was a little interested. And we took it much further. Do these kinds of misreads happen a little bit or a lot?

A lot.

They do happen a lot. And by the way, there's a reason they happen a lot. The reason they happen is that when you're in an intimate moment with another person, your ego is what interprets body language. Your ego does not care about the other person. So what happens is your ego will lie to you just to make you feel good. Now, what do we mean by that? How many in this room have ever been in a situation where you see somebody waving at you, right? And you immediately wave to them until you realize they're not waving at me. Right? If you've ever been there, say been there. Been there. Yes, your ego Your ego was convinced they had to be waving to you because that feeds the ego. And that's what happens in these moments. Where it becomes dangerous though, is you start to listen to that ego. Ego says they want you, they want you. And suddenly the ego says, go for it. You do, you make an advance on that person they do not want. Could this quickly become a disaster? Yes or no?

Yes.

Let's be clear, that was not a misread that just happened. You didn't misread them. Because there was no opportunity to misread. You didn't give them a chance to communicate. It was an act of arrogance. I assumed what somebody else wanted. And I just did it because I wanted to believe that was true. It was a power move, an arrogant move. And we're taught to do this as a normal thing. You two did a great job showing the danger of reading that body language and relying on it. So go ahead and pick the shirts you want right off that stage. Let's give both of them a huge, huge round of applause. They did a great job. Great job. Thank you very much. And thank you very much. Come on, give it up for them. They did a great job. Give it up.

Come on.

Now you're going to notice in today's show that I don't assume the experience of anyone in this room. Some of you may have never dated before, and that's totally cool. Others of you might have done— well, let's just say quite a bit more. Yeah, so we're gonna leave it there. We are not judging anybody's experience in this room. Some of you could be asexual. Does anybody know what asexual— when I say that term, what does it mean? So what does it mean with the hat on right there? Not attracted to humans. All right, so it's not that you're not attracted to humans. That's not it. To be fair, here's what it actually means. Well, please don't laugh. We're talking about people that are in the room. So asexual, what that means is that you don't have sexual attraction to other individuals. And there's a big difference there. Okay, so that's when we say asexual. And that's important to understand. Why is that important to understand? Because today's discussion is going to involve a lot of intimacy and sexual discussion. And some people don't have what everybody assumes everybody has, that drive. Not everyone does. And that's okay. So that's why it's important we understand that. We're going to start with the example of a hookup scene. Now, where do hookups often begin? What's the scenario or situation? Just yell it out. All right, I heard bars and parties. Hopefully at your age, it's parties, not bars. So we got it. We got the answer we were looking for. I heard parties the most. What is at the party that can have such a huge influence?

Alcohol!

Listen to you. Alcohol. Now let's be fair. We are not saying that alcohol is always involved, but— or other drugs. But what you're describing, you just— the way you yelled it tells us that clearly alcohol is often involved. So let's say that's the case. We walk into a party. Over here is the alcohol. Now next to the alcohol are 2 of our friends. We're gonna say our friends' names are Jordan and Aaron. Now if your name is Jordan or Aaron, I am not referring to you in this scene. Just happens to be the names I chose. In this case, Jordan is giving Aaron a lot of alcohol. And to be fair, Aaron's choosing to drink the alcohol to the point Aaron is no longer of sound mind. Aaron is incapacitated. Now interestingly, Jordan drinking very little alcohol. If you think Jordan might be doing this to try to get some, just go ahead and yell get some.

Get some!

Does this scene at parties— does this scene happen a little bit or a lot?

A lot.

All right, several of you are saying this happens a lot. In fact, there's only one reason you get someone drunk to hook up. And it's a simple reason. You get someone drunk to hook up because you can't hook up with them sober. By the way, if you agree that's true, say that's true. Now every now and then, every now and then somebody gets mad at me and goes, Mike, that's not true. That's not why I do that. Okay, that's a concern right there. I will say to them, well, if that's not true, then why do you wait till they're incapacitated, not of sound mind? They always give me the same answer. They say, well, I was just helping them get comfortable. Which means you just admitted they're not comfortable doing this with you when they know what they're doing. In fact, you intentionally used alcohol or other drugs to get a human being to do something they did not want to do with you. In other words, you used it like a weapon. You, this room just told me this happens all the time. We even have a name for this because it happens all the time. We call this taking—

Advantage.

We have a name for it. Right? And we know taking advantage of a human being is wrong. Like if I walked up to one of you and just said, hey, is taking advantage of another person wrong? Everybody in here would go, well, clearly, Mike, we know that's wrong. So if we know it's wrong, and it's happening right in front of us, because you told me it's happening all the time, why don't we actually step in and stop the Jordan character? Now there's 3 reasons people tend to tell me why they don't stop Jordan. So raise your hand, give me what you think some of these reasons could be, why people don't step in and stop that scene. What might be reasons? Not you personally, but reasons other people don't intervene. So what do you think those reasons are? Where's the right here? I hear a voice, but I don't see the hand. Yes, all the way back there. Yes.

Scary.

Oh, well, they're scared. So fear of confrontation. That is a re— is that what I heard?

Yes.

I need you to be a little louder.

Yeah.

So the person is scary, right? You're scared of the confrontation. We're saying the same thing. All right. Right over here. Yeah. It's none of my business. There's one last one out here. People say, well, Mike, if Jordan's my friend, I'm not going to blank my friend. What's the blank they're using? All right. We're just going to say block today. Yes. By the way, it's also more inclusive. Yeah, yeah. By the way, do friends already block friends sometimes? Yes or no?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll give you the top 2 reasons. Ready? Number 2 reason friends block friends is called jealousy. They're jealous of the fact this is happening. Number 1 reason friends block friends is for pure entertainment purposes.

Yes.

You think it's funny to mess with your friends. Now I have to be fair. A moment ago, somebody in the audience yelled when I said, hey, if this is your buddy or your friend, you're not going to block it because— and somebody said, because I'd be happy for them. I heard it. Don't worry, I'm not going to embarrass you. I'm not going to call you out. Why would you be happy for them is the question. Somebody said, well, they're getting some. They're not getting some in this scene. They're not getting some in the scene I described at all. They're taking some. See, they weren't able to get some. The person didn't want to actually do this with them sober. So they decided they'd try to take it from someone. Sometimes when I'm in a high school and I ask, do you have a name for this? Instead of yelling taking advantage of, some students yell rape. Some students yell the word rape for the scene I'm describing. Now, what— is there a difference in this, what I'm describing, in the term taking advantage of and sexual assault? Is there a difference? Yes or no?

No.

I got a lot of nos. Where are my yeses? Who thinks there's a difference here? So what's the difference? So sexual assault versus taking advantage of. By the way, the answer that if you all can't hear it was, I think words like rape or sexual assault are stronger words than taking advantage of. So I'm going to be fair to you and say you are correct. That's why most of you is taking advantage. Because then you don't have to do anything. If you actually used what it was, the word it was, if you called it a sexual assault, you called it a rape, every one of you in this room would stop that scene from happening. Every single time. Because you couldn't deny your responsibility to do something. But see, when we call it taking advantage of, everybody just turns and looks the other way.

Language matters.

Any other reason we could think of that there's a difference between the scene I described, taking advantage of, sexual assault? Yes.

In the scene you described, there was no sexual implication.

No, no, by the way, this is a correct answer. That—

you're right.

The audience started turning on you, but that's not fair to turn. In the description I gave—

hold on.

Nothing has happened yet. So the better term would be this looks to be the setup of a sexual assault. Or rape, just like it's a setup of taking advantage of someone. So you're right. That's a good clarification. Right? But otherwise, if it happens, there's no difference. If it actually happens, there's no difference. Language matters. Now, the idea that this is none of our business or that we fear confrontation, actually, those are both myths. I'm going to quickly address both. None of our business. Do you know that every one of you are wired as human beings into your DNA, it's in the heart of you, to care for every human being, not only in this room, but actually on the planet. If you are not wired this way as a human being in the mental health community, do you know what you'd be referred to as?

Sociopath.

You'd be a sociopath. A sociopath does not have the wiring or the chemistry the rest of us have. They don't. All the rest of us have it. Now, I'm not blaming a sociopath. That literally is a wiring that's different. So that means for all the rest of us, when we say it's none of our business, We're just lying to ourselves to come up with a weak excuse to not do the right thing. We know it's our business because that's a fellow human being. Which leaves us with the last excuse, fear of confrontation. Do we fear confrontation as human beings? Yes or no?

No.

Here's what they have found out. Human beings do not fear confrontation if they believe the confrontation is worth it. Now, what do I mean by that? Will a parent put themselves in harm's way to protect, to protect their children? Will they do this? Yes or no? Yes.

Yes.

Your friend is drunk at a party and about to try to drive home. Do you at least try to stop them? Yes or no?

Yes.

All forms of confrontation that you had no problem with. You do not fear confrontation when you believe it's worth it. Now the person over here who said no, I wouldn't try to stop my friend who's drunk driving. Why is that? No, they did. They know because they looked at the person who said it. I'm very good with what I hear from the audience. Let me make something very clear here today. If you're going to say things that are disrespectful or degrading of other human beings, your words will be heard by me too. I will never stop my show because I'm being degraded or attacked. That won't faze me in the amount of times I do this work. But if you make comments that could do harm to other people in the room because they've experienced these things and you're laughing about it, joking about it, or being anti-caring about it, I will stop for every single survivor in this room. We're having a mature conversation, it requires some maturity. We're talking about sexual assault happening that you told me happens all the time. You told me that. So we got to own up that we have a role here to stop it if it's happening all the time. We don't fear confrontation if we believe it. So the question is, do we believe that Aaron is worth intervening for? That's the question. So I ask you as an audience, is Aaron worth intervening for? Yes or no?

Yes. Why?

Raise your hand and give me reasons you believe Aaron is worth intervening for. Yes. Because it's a human being. How many agree that's the only reason I need, that every human being deserves to be treated with a basic level of dignity and respect? If you agree with that statement, say yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

And Aaron is a human being. But here's what happens at the party. People picture Aaron drinking and being flirtatious. And suddenly they call Aaron names. They attack with labels. What kind of names and labels will they attack with? Just yell them out. All right, we got enough. We're good. Yeah. I heard a roll from slut to whore across the room there. Words like this, are they used a little bit or a lot?

A lot.

They are used a lot. And by the way, not new. It's been happening since the beginning of humankind, this kind of degradation. Why is Erin being called these words? Raise your hand. Give me reasons you believe that others, not you personally, Are doing this?

Yes.

All the way in the back corner. Okay, that's all right. So any— so where were some other hands? What are reasons people are doing this?

Yes. It's easier to manage them if you degrade them.

Yeah, if I degrade them, then I can think I don't have to care about them. So it's a cheap way to get myself out of doing the right thing. Yeah, that's a good answer. Any other reasons we can think of? Yes. To boost their ego. To boost their ego. So if I shoot you down, it makes me feel better. Yeah, there are people who think that way. That's true. Yes. Oop, I couldn't hear you. All right, so I'll go right there with the hand I did see. There we go.

Yes.

Some people think that she's asking for it. All right. And what are ways that they'll say she's asking for it? What are— what do they mean by that? She's asking to be taken advantage of. She's asking to be taken advantage of by her behavior. Okay. Any other reasons they believe that?

Yes.

The way that she's dressed. The way that she's dressed. Okay. Any other reasons? To be fair, yes. She put herself in that situation. She put herself in that situation. I never told you the gender and people assumed a woman. Because the names that were thrown out proved that people assumed it was a woman. What if I told you that Erin was actually a guy out with friends drinking, having fun and flirting with a few people at the party? And I'm not saying you personally, but most people would say, hey, that's just a guy being a guy. Most people say that's a guy being a guy. How many agree that is messed up that we will normalize or even praise one gender for the exact same behaviors we will absolutely degrade another entire gender for engaging in? If you agree with me, this is messed up. Just say messed up.

Messed up.

Some of you are going, Mike, but what does it have to do with sexual assault? What does it have to do with rape? Here's what it has to do with it. If you are constantly— and by the way, All genders engage in this. If you are constantly sexually degrading one specific gender, what are the odds that when you're alone with that one specific gender late at night, you're going to suddenly treat them with dignity and respect? Slim. Incredibly slim. That's what the odds are. So our language matters. You hear people in the hallway using language like this, walk up to them, don't lecture them. Because they're not going to engage in a lecture. Here's all you do. They use the word slut at someone and simply go, oh, oh, you mean that person? Because as soon as I say that person, you have to see a human being, you have to treat them with dignity and respect. Huge difference. Now sometimes people ask me, well, Mike, well, then how do we intervene? Here's the good news. It's easy to intervene. You live in what's called a backup culture, which means you're at a party because you're with friends. So what do you do? You walk up to 3 or 4 friends, just do this. Hey, can you back me up? Instantly, your friends do this. Let's go. You don't even know what you're backing up. I don't care.

Let's go.

By the way, if you've got these friends, just say, got 'em.

Got 'em.

Some of you are like, I am that friend. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Now, we do not want violence. We don't want violence. So we calmly walk up to Jordan. We calmly walk up to Jordan and simply say, hey, Jordan, clearly Aaron's had a lot to drink. Hope you don't mind. We just want to make sure Aaron has a safe ride home. Now, is Jordan about to thank us or freak out?

Freak out.

Freak out. The moment this person freaks out, you know you're doing the right thing. You know it. By the way, you made no accusations. None. No confrontation. And they're freaking out. You stay calm, they keep freaking out. What happens? Everybody starts to watch this person. In fact, you call this good party entertainment. You know what I'm talking about. Everybody's watching. And they even give this person a name. It's called the creeper. If you've ever seen a creeper, say creeper.

Yes.

Now here's what's interesting. Once the creeper Once the creeper self-identifies, who goes by the creeper the rest of the night?

No one.

No one. You went from looking out for Aaron to actually looking out for everyone. Look, if you do nothing else today, when you leave the auditorium, you do nothing else. But you do do this for the next 1 to 4 years of your life. That means for some of you, that's when you go off to the military, when you go off to work, when you go off to college or universities, and you continue to do this for the next 1 to 4 years of your life, could you dramatically impact many, many lives? Yes or no?

Yes.

One choice. Here's the good news about doing this. You will never regret it. You will never regret doing this. Because you'll always know you did the right thing. People look at me and go, well, Mike, were you taught to do these things? The reality is when we were in school, they didn't even discuss this topic. It didn't exist in our schools. That's what they thought. It was happening all the time, but it wasn't discussed. We were taught to do the right thing. I was raised right here in Wisconsin, not that far from here. And I grew up in a home where we were very close. 3 older sisters, Vicki, 8 years older, Rita, 6 years older, Sherry, 4 years older. Sherry was one of the leading athletes in the United States. Goes off to a major Big Ten university, full-ride scholarship for sports. I looked up to her. After 4 years, she graduates from college, same time I go into college. The end of college, I'm coming back from practice, there's a note on my door, it says, Mike, call home immediately. I run back, I immediately pick up the phone, I call home. Hey, Mom, I see a note on the door. What's up? My mom asked me if I was sitting down. Instantly I knew something has gone wrong. Your brain starts to prepare you. Your brain starts to say, who died? Because in a weird way, you know that moment can happen in life. You start to ask yourself, was it a grandparent? Was it an aunt? Was it an uncle? When suddenly my mom says, Mike, Sherry's been raped. Wait a second. This is 1989. I'm hearing over the phone that my sister's just been raped. One thing is going through my head. It's a very simple and clear thought. I wanted him.

Yes.

If you think you'd feel the same way, say, yes, I would.

Yes, I would.

I know because I was there. I felt the rage, I felt the anger. I thought what I was going to do when I get my hands around his neck. All normal feelings, by the way. But if I had acted that way, I actually would have made Sherri's life worse. So I had to calm down. And then this question kept bothering me. So I'm gonna ask you the same question. If I, if all of us in this room, if we want the rapist dead after they rape the one we love, But we stand by as the crime is being set up right in front of us at a party we're at. Am I, are we all hypocrites? How many agree hypocrisy, saying one thing, doing the opposite? When you say rape is awful, but stand by and do nothing, that is hypocrisy. If you agree with me that's hypocrisy, say yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

And I know none of you want to be that hypocrite. I realize in that moment in my life, I didn't want to be that hypocrite. So I had to do something. I had to change something. Now some of you are going, all right, Mike, we got it. We got what to do. But you didn't finish what happened on the phone with your mom. Well, when I was on the phone with my mom, I didn't know it, but Sherri was home. Sherri had been raped 4 hours earlier, released from the hospital, was literally waiting by the phone to talk to her little brother. My mom tells me Sherri's getting on the phone, and I realize I got to say the right words. I got to let Sherri know that I'm here for her. I've got to let Sherri know we're going to get through this together. I must find a way to tell Sherri How much I love her. I'm sitting there going, how do I say the right words? And Sherri spoke first. Sherri said, hey, Mike. Hey, Mike, how you doing? Anything I can do to help? 4 hours after she was raped, and she's asking me what she can do to help? That is amazing. I got off that phone, I instantly knew my sister Sheri was a strong, courageous individual. What I would later learn is that every survivor of sexual assault— that means all genders, all sexual orientations, all identities— every survivor has strength and courage inside them. If you agree with me that every survivor has strength and courage inside them, please yell, yes, I do!

Yes, I do!

I asked you to say that today so every survivor in this room could hear you tell them how strong you are, how incredible you are, how amazing you are. Every survivor deserves to hear those words. I'm going to invite every one of you in this room today, at some time today, whether it be tonight, that's fine, reach out and call someone, reach out and talk to someone face-to-face, someone you care about, and let them know, if anybody ever has sexually touched you against your will or ever does, I am here for you.

Always.

I am here for you. Always. And you open that door. How powerful is this? We've had students leave the room, say those words to a classmate, a best friend, a partner, a sibling, Younger, older, and a survivor who had never told a human being comes forward because you took 30 seconds to open a door for that to happen. That's how powerful this is. Right now, here's the key. If you do this today, and I do invite you to do it, you'll see the power of it. Some of you are going to have people come forward. You don't want to say who did it. It sounds like revenge. You don't want to say I'm so sorry. It comes off as pity. Instead, you want to look that survivor right in the eyes and say, Thank you so much for sharing. Clearly, you are strong, you are courageous. What can I do to help? And then you listen. Right? And you let them know the resources. Now, here at the school, you have your counselors, you have your teachers, you have great resources. And by the way, they— there's something important to know. They're there for you. And they're what we call mandated reporters. So if you tell a teacher this crime happened to me, they must report. That's the law. They're not betraying you. That's the law to follow through and get you justice. Right? So the law says a teacher must do that. So somebody's going to— well, in addition to having the teachers as a resource, what else do you have? You have your local sexual assault crisis center. So you got 2 options. Right? They're both important options. Now, this is when somebody has done something awful to another human being. How many agree that actual dating should be healthy? It actually should be fun. You agree it should be fun? Yell fun.

Fun.

Yes, it should be fun. Look, if it's not fun, somebody's doing something wrong. It should be fun. Like, for instance, why don't we just ask, can I kiss you instead of going for it? Raise your hand. Give me reasons you think people do not ask for a kiss. Why they instead just go for it all the way up there in the balcony.

It kills the vibe.

It kills the vibe. It ruins the mood. It makes it awkward. Now, why is that funny? Because that means you actually think you're smooth. I don't mean you personally. I mean society as a whole. We don't mean that person. What do I mean by that? Look, folks, if you've already dated, if you've ever been intimate with another human being, you know it's awkward. You already are awkward. You're very good at it. How many agree if you've ever made out with somebody, it can get awkward like that? If you agree it can, say yes, it can. Yes, it can. Yes. Every now and then somebody's like, I've never been awkward. This is what we call the clueless Awkward person. By the way, do clueless awkward people exist? Yes. I'll tell you what the description is. They're so into themselves, they're unaware of how awkward they've made the situation. So the fact is, you're not afraid of being awkward. Because if you were afraid of being awkward, you'd never be alone with another person. It's just part of the equation. What's another reason people don't ask? That is one of the reasons though. So thank you for that. Yes.

I'm afraid of being alone.

My experience, majority of women don't like that. Like, that totally kills their vibe. They don't like it. They become weird about it. All right. So now this is— that's good. That's good.

That's all right.

Now there's 2 answers I can give to this. So the comment was, from your own experience, most women that you've met, so you just put that into parameters, said, hey, I don't want that. I don't want that option. There's 2 possibilities there. And I need to be very blunt. And this isn't against you or them. But we need to be honest today. All right? You're with sexually immature partners. If you have partners who say, I don't want you to give me a choice, just do it. That's sexual immaturity, folks. How many agree that if your partner cannot say with their words what they want when you give them a choice, Something's wrong. If they want you to guess what's on their mind, by the way, can you know exactly what somebody wants, how they want it, when they want it all the time? Is that possible? Yes or no?

No.

No, it's not. Ask any married people and they will laugh falling to the ground because they know how unrealistic that is. You are not able to do that. So what that is, is it describes we've raised a culture of people that are sexually immature. It's not the individuals I'm talking about. We've raised that in our culture. We've taught people you should know what someone wants and just do it. When the fact is, that's not realistic. And then on the other side, they're taught you should just know what I want. Well, that's not realistic either. By the way, if you make a move on them later in the night when they don't want it, will they still get mad at you? Will they still get mad at the person? Yes or no? Yes.

Yes.

And we have a mind game now. We have a disaster happening there. So I'm glad you brought that example up. Because you're right, there are people out there that say, don't ask me, you should just know what I want. That's called selfish also, by the way. It is that you're supposed to know what I want. How am I supposed to read your mind? That's selfish. It leaves me in all control, all responsibility, but also all blame. Right? So that's not an equal relationship at all. What's another reason people don't ask? Yes. Yes, fear of rejection. So don't give them a choice. That just messes everything up. By the way, what I just said, does that sound awful? If you agree that sounds awful, just say awful.

Awful.

Think about that. I'm not going to ask you because you might say no. So I'm just going to do it to you. Yeah, as awful as that sounds, this is where it gets a little creepy in reality. As awful as that sounds, 95% of us have been taught to date that way. I didn't say all of you. Notice the second question I ever asked today on stage. I asked you, the audience, do most people go for it or ask? You were super honest. You said people—

Go for it.

We don't give you a choice. We make our move until you stop us. Now, some of you are going, Mike, that's not fair. If I just make my move, they have a choice. They have a choice whether to stop me or not. That's not called a choice. That's called self-defense. I shouldn't have to defend myself in a moment of intimacy. I should have had a clear-cut choice. By the way, the reasons people actually do not ask are much easier. You're not afraid of rejection. Because if you just go for it, can you be rejected? Yes or no?

Yes.

And by the way, can that night be in bad shape? Horrific shape. So we're not afraid of awkwardness because going for it can cause awkwardness. We're not afraid of rejection because going for it can cause rejection. The real reason we don't ask is much easier. We've never been taught how. That's it. If we were raised in a culture that always showed asking, it was reflected in music, movies, and homes, everybody'd be asking. We just haven't been raised in that culture. And what's silly is most people in the world that I speak to believe asking first is the right thing to do. They just don't do it because they haven't been taught how. So we're going to solve that problem right now. It's 3 steps to ask somebody. But first, wait, a couple of you might be going, wait a second, Mike. How do you know we believe in asking first? It's a fair question. So I'm going to ask you, the audience, 2 questions right now. I want you to answer them loudly, not what you think I want to hear, but from your heart, what you actually believe. Question number 1, does every human being deserve a choice before you do something with their body sexually or intimately? Yes or no?

Yes.

How do you normally give somebody a choice in life? You simply ask a—

Question.

We all believe in asking first. We just proved it. Now we have to learn how. So here's the how. Here's the good news. It's super easy. It's 3 steps. Step number 1, look them in the eye. Look, this should be fun. If you're looking at the ground, can I kiss you? That's weird. And you all know there are people who do that. They're nervous. They're like, that's weird. Right? Number 2. Number 2 is smile. This should be fun. If you're giving them the death square, death stare, The death square. The death square. That's a whole different thing. Yeah. So if you're giving them the death stare, that's gonna get weird. By the way, don't force a smile either. That gets really uncomfortable. Step number 3. It's the last step. Ask a question. You just gotta ask the question. Now to show you how easy this is, I'm going to take one volunteer. They get their choice of t-shirts. I saw the hand up right there. Let's give this person a big, big, big round of applause. And your, your first name? Theo? All right, everybody say hey, Theo.

Hey, Theo.

So Theo, we're gonna bring you front and center right here. You're gonna imagine you're on a date with a partner who is right where my hand is, right at the hand. I'm gonna move the hand, but stay there. Okay, so your partner is there. On the count of 3, you're gonna ask that partner for a kiss. All right, not now. But on the count of 3, I'm going to give you 3 guidelines. Guideline number 1, you've been on this date for a few hours, you've been wanting to kiss them for a while, and you feel like they've really been wanting you to kiss them. So there's great chemistry. All right, that's guideline number 1. Guideline number 2, when you ask, just be you. All right, so you don't want to suddenly change your voice or be this other character, just be you. And then guideline number 3 is, when you ask, sometimes people when they're in front of a crowd, they get nervous, and they go, can I kiss you? And they whip around. That's weird. So we don't want to do that. We just want to look forward. Does that make sense? All right, let's count to 3 and watch this happen. Theo's going to do this. Here we go. Well, hold on. We're going to give you a— we're going to make it a little weird because you are going to have a microphone. There you go. So very good. So here we go. Let's count to 3.

1, 2, 3.

Can I kiss you? All right, give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up.

Great job. Awesome.

All right.

Great job. Was that awkward? Yes or no? No.

All right.

So you had about a 50/50. And that's not bad. So about 50% of you are like, yes, that's awkward. 50% of you are like, nope, worked for me. Yeah. So yes, yes. Here's the interesting part. If you thought that was awkward, it doesn't matter. How awkward you are in this moment has zero impact on the actual outcome.

Zero.

We're gonna explain why in a moment. You did a great job. Pick the shirt you want. Come on, give it up for Theo. Theo did a great, great job. All right, so quickly, we're going to explain why it doesn't matter no matter how awkward you are in that moment. Let me explain why it doesn't matter. Let's say that you are Theo's partner. Now, in this case, I'm gonna have you change your mindset for a second. You're going to imagine you're with a partner you're totally attracted to. You've been wanting to kiss them for a while. Suddenly they lean in and they say to you, can I kiss you? Are you going to do this?

No.

You asked?

No way.

Ruined it. Or are you going to be doing a little woohoo dance inside your head? that this is about to happen. If you agree this is a woohoo moment, yell woohoo!

Woohoo!

By the way, we do this for Marines in the deserts of Africa. And they're like, woohoo! People love being the one being asked. Why do you think people love being the one who's being asked? Why? All the way in the balcony. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel wanted. Yes, absolutely. How many agree that when you find out the person you want wants you, That's hot. That's hot. Yes. And by the way, nothing does that. Nothing does that like asking for a kiss. Some of you'll be like, wait a second, Mike, if I'm just making out with them, they'll know and I'll know whether they want it. Not necessarily. How many of you in this room can remember a time when you were making out with someone Literally thinking, do I really want to be doing this right now? If you've been there, yell, been there! Listen to how many of you have been there. Yeah. Had they asked you, had they asked you, you'd have been like, no, no, I do not. But here we are. Yes. This is the cool thing about asking. You get to hear the answer. May I kiss you? And they're like, yes. That feels incredible. By the way, the person who says, hey, don't ask. And that was a great example earlier. Don't ask. I just want you to go for it. Here's the exact response. No, I'm not just going to go for it. I want to know you want it. And I want to hear you say yes.

So Right?

You agree? That's like, all right, I can do that. Right, exactly.

Yes.

Because here's the deal. There is— you said earlier, there is only one way to ultimately give someone a choice. It is by asking. So there's no shortcuts to this. And it takes a second to do it. If asking— if you ever come up to me and say, I once asked and ruined the moment, I'm going to say something to you that's very honest. If you ask, and you think it ruined the moment, you never had one to start with.

Wow.

That's truthful, though. That's honest. Can anybody give me a reason after what we've discussed, you still would not give somebody the choice by asking them first? Can anybody think of a reason, to be fair? Right? It's the right thing to do. All right, we want to be able to do that. Now here's the deal. When we're done today, some people are going to exit the auditorium and start cracking jokes. And they're going to mock, can I kiss you? Can I hold your hand? Can I hold this? And they're going to mock it. Remember this though, you might want to look in the mirror and think, why am I so uncomfortable right now? Why do I want to mock the idea of giving another person a choice? And you might want to think about the fact there are survivors in the hallway too listening to the mocking. So we have to be aware of the words we use after today. When I talk about consent, I use it a little differently. Most people say consent means permission. I actually hate that definition. I believe that when you're only focused on permission, you only care about getting a yes, not whether they actually want to do it. So when we describe consent, we say it's mutually wanted, which means you don't pressure me, I don't pressure you. Enthusiastically given, there's no doubt we both want to do this. Between partners of legal age and sound mind. If some of you are with people who are trying to pressure you before you're ready, and they're doing it with the words like love, like because we love each other, we should do this, all you have to do is look them in the eye and go, oh my gosh, you love me? That is so awesome. That means we can slow down because you're not going to leave me. And we can wait until I'm actually ready to do this. After all, you love me. Because if they're going to use words like love, they should at least understand the proper use of them. We got to be able to call that out. So what I'm gonna do real quickly is I'm gonna give away some prizes here, because we want to keep the conversation going when we're all done here today. This is going to move very fast. I'm going to call on people. Here's what you have to be ready to do if I call on you. You have to share something you're going to use from today's program. It could be that, Mike, I'm going to stop the Jordan's the World. Could be, Mike, I'm gonna ask first. Could be, Mike, I'm gonna call 3 people. Could be, Mike, I'm gonna stop using sexually degrading language. Could be something else that you learned from today. You can repeat what other people say. As long as you're gonna do it. You raise your hand, I'll call on you, share what you're going to use, which item you want from stage. So here are the items. I have 3 shirts to give away. 3 shirts, 1 book. You might have noticed I never told you my sister's story. Not my story to tell. That's hers. So her story is in the book Voices of Courage with 11 other survivors, 10 women, 2 men. And that's the book Voices of Courage. We're gonna give away 1 of those. Today's program is in a book called Can I Kiss You? Most of the program and a little bit more It's an all how-to book on dating and intimacy. So that's the other book we're gonna give away. This is gonna go very quick. All I need to do is start seeing hands. I'm gonna call. I saw you almost jump out of your— the corner seat there.

Yes.

Consent is sexy. Consent is sexy. Awesome. Very good. Which item do you want? I want a t-shirt. You got a t-shirt right there.

Yes.

I'm gonna ask before I kiss. You're gonna ask before you kiss. Which item do you want? I want a shirt. You got a shirt. I'm coming all the way over here with a baseball cap.

Yes.

I'm gonna ask first. You're gonna ask first. Which item do you want? Teacher, we're down to the books, just so everyone knows. Right there, yep.

Yes?

I'm going to be watching for Jordan and Aaron. Oh, you're going to watch out for the Jordan and Aaron scene. Do you want the survivor book or the how-to? I want the how-to. All right, you got the how-to right here, yes. You're going to call your sister, mom, open the door for them. So do you want— which book do you want, the how-to or the survivor? Um, the how-to. How-to. We're left with the survivor book right there on the aisle there, yes. Consent is alpha. Okay, now hold on. Timeout on that one. Let me explain why we're going to back up a little bit on that. Because alpha is often associated with male behavior. And consent, not everybody does, but a lot of people do. So I need you to be careful there. Alpha does not necessarily mean that, but people hear it that way a lot. So we want to be very clear today. This isn't just about one gender asking. This is about all people asking. So super important. So you got the last book, you guys, give them all a big, big round of applause. They did a great job. So you might have noticed that I did not tell you Sherry's story. And I told you that that was in the book Voices of Courage. The reason I brought that up is because we're going to give everybody in here today the book Voices of Courage, the ebook and the audiobook. Now what that means is you might have noticed that we also didn't tell you to not have your phones. We said put them on mute or vibrate, which means at this point you can take your phones out because your phones are going to give everybody in this room the Voices of Courage ebook and audiobook. The audiobook, just so you're aware what you're getting, is the actual survivors reading their chapters to you. You're going to hear my sister Sheri in her voice. Tell you her story. True of all 12 survivors. So here's the website we're going to if you have your phone out. If you don't have your phone on you, you can do this in the next 2 to 3 hours. You need to do it by like 5 o'clock today. Here is the website. Go to CFRgift.com. That's CFRgift.com and take the survey right there. So what I do while you're doing the survey, which we see lots of you doing, is I take a couple of questions quickly here while you're doing the survey. So does anybody have a question top of mind they want to ask? Like, hey, Mike, what about this? What about that? Yes. What if justice isn't served in how it makes the other person feel that you're trying to fight justice? That's a great question. All right, so here's the situation. We have a sexual assault occurs. The person who committed the sexual assault does not get convicted. And you know that they're out there now. What can you do?

Hold on.

No, the gut— hold on, stop. You will make matters 10 times worse if you try to take them into your own hands. Here's why. Who do you think is going to blame themselves if you try to go get vengeance? The survivor. And you will now have made the survivor's life 10 times worse. And by the way, you can't be there for the survivor if you get in trouble. So what you want to do is if you're struggling with that, I'm not saying you, anybody out there struggling with that, You want to turn and figure out someone you can talk to. Because you can't take action on that. What you can do is absolutely fully be there for the survivor. And see that as your role. Like, I need to be there for the survivor. So awesome question, by the way. Great question. My sister's case was there was a conviction. That doesn't always happen. So that was— we were fortunate there. And that person is in prison, will never see the light of day probably. But that's not always the norm. So you're right, that version happens. Tonight at 6 PM, how many agree that us parents— and I'm not saying your parents, but I'm a parent too— us parents can get very awkward on these conversations? If you agree that's true, say yes, it is. Yes, it is. So here's what I would love to do. I want to make your lives easier. When I travel the world, I love helping teenagers' lives be a lot easier by helping their parents not say things they tend to say. So I would love for you to pack the room with your parents tonight at 6 o'clock. We're going to do a free show at 6. For parents, they'll get a chance to win shirts and books for you, by the way. So if you want more shirts and books, that's a great way to get them here. It'll be here at 6 o'clock. And here's what I want to leave you with. Today's been all about choices. Ask first, open the door, support survivors. You make the next choice when you leave this room. What choice will you make?

Thank you.