In this video, Mike Domitrz responds to a student’s question about why they might make fun of or mock the idea of “asking first” before kissing or engaging in sexual intimacy. He explains that such mockery often stems from resistance to change and fear of vulnerability. He identifies two common fears—rejection and awkwardness—and argues that both are illogical compared to the greater risk of committing sexual assault by not asking. Mike outlines the essential elements of consent: enthusiastic, freely given, ongoing, and limited to partners of legal age and sound mind. He connects the failure to ask with the perpetuation of rape culture, emphasizing that asking respects dignity, boundaries, and reduces sexual assault risk. Finally, he encourages listeners to embrace vulnerability, recognize the power of asking, and view each ask as a step toward personal growth and respectful relationships.
Chapters
Today's question is, Mike, what if I find myself making fun of or making a mockery of asking first? This is a really good question and I'm glad that students have the courage to be able to ask it, to recognize, hey, I'm catching myself making fun of the idea of asking somebody before kissing them or engaging in sexual intimacy with them. Hey, Mike, if I'm doing that, what could be the cause of that? What could be leading me to doing that? Let's dive right into that conversation. First of all, it's common to want to push back from a concept that we weren't taught as a young child, so it's new. And as human beings, we tend to push back against change or things that are new. That's common. So then we have to pause and go, okay, is it the right thing for me to do to ask somebody before doing something with their body sexually or intimately? And I know you know the answer to that. I know that you know the answer is yes. Giving another human being a choice before you do something with their body sexually or intimately, you know is the right thing to do. So then you have to ask yourself, okay, what am I afraid of? Where is this change creating fear in me? Well, the fear that most commonly we hear are a couple. One, fear that I could be rejected if I ask. But that one is not logical. It's actually not a legitimate fear because if you just go for it, you can also be rejected. And actually, if you just go for it, you don't give them choice, you could create a horrible, horrible situation and you could actually be committing sexual assault on another human being depending on what we're talking about in that situation. So, or what actually takes place. So that's a horrible outcome by not asking. Another fear people will have is, Mike, if I ask instead of going for it, I could become awkward. Well, if you just go for it without asking, it can become horrifically awkward. They could be pushing you away. They could be yelling at you, no! They could want to get out of that date instantly because you've made them so uncomfortable. The worst thing that could happen if you ask Is somebody can say to you, no thank you, or not interested, and then you simply respond with, you know what, then I'm glad I asked. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. And you're still respecting them and doing what you know is the right thing to do to honor another human being's dignity and respect, to treat them with dignity, respect, and honor their boundaries. You know that's right. And I know that Anybody watching this, there's really good odds that you know sexual assault is wrong. And if we're going to really say that we want to stop sexual assault from happening and that we want to really change our cultures so that people do do the right thing, do ask first instead of just doing things to other human beings. That's what we call the rape culture. This concept that people think they have the right to just do something to another human being without asking first, without getting their agreement first, their enthusiastic— Consent. Freely given agreement. That's consent, right? That means that it's enthusiastic, it's wanted between all partners, it's between partners of legal age and sound mind, it's ongoing, it's in the moment, which means I can change my mind, but it also is only to this moment. It doesn't mean we get to ever do this again. You understand that that's all true of consent. And the way that all starts is by giving your partner a choice. When we don't, what we're doing is we're actually adding to a culture of rape. You're adding to a culture of sexual assault by not giving people choices. I know you understand that that's not the way to treat another human being. So what I want to ask you to do the next time you're mocking yourself is going, okay, I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I get that. But I need to be vulnerable so that person has a choice. And recognize that by not asking, you're putting yourself at a much higher risk than the vulnerability of hearing no or being awkward the first time you ever ask because you've never asked before. Here's the cool thing. Once you do ask, you see how incredible that moment is and you're going to want to keep asking. That's the power of asking. And even if it's not incredible, even if it is incredibly awkward, you're going to be able to look in the mirror and know you made the right choice. You gave another human being a choice and you honored their boundaries. You treated them with dignity and respect. You can't go wrong with that. Next time you're saying to yourself, why am I pushing back? Why am I mocking? Why am I laughing, making a joke out of asking before you kiss someone or asking before you do something sexual with someone? Know that that's just because it's change and it's different. It can be scary to be vulnerable when something's different. And you know it's the right thing to do to ask someone. And that's why you're going to do it because you're going to choose to do what's right. For your partners and yourself. Honoring your boundaries, their boundaries. Treating them with dignity and respect, treating yourself with dignity and respect. And you get that. Thank you.
