Mike DomitrzPresident, Author, and Speaker on Respect, The Center for Respect, Inc. · Author & Speaker on Respect for Schools, Corporations, & the Military since 1990 (has reached

You never owe a 'Sorry' when you say, 'No.'

13 May 2024 · 1 min

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In this talk, the speaker challenges the common expectation that a person must apologize when they say no to sexual or intimate advances. They argue that saying no does not create a debt or obligation, and that partners should be encouraged never to feel the need to say sorry for setting boundaries. The speaker addresses married couples, urging spouses to tell each other not to apologize for declining intimacy, and highlights the importance of teaching this mindset to soldiers through SHARP (Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention) programs. By removing the guilt and shame associated with refusal, the speaker frames the “no‑apology” stance as a game‑changing skill for healthier consent and communication.

Chapters

Sorry, I have a headache. Why are you saying sorry? Because I owe you. Because you feel you owe. Because you're not allowed to say no. It's mean. So if I say no to you, I have to feel guilt and shame, so I'm going to apologize for that. You want to open up a marriage? When your partner says, sorry, not tonight, say, please never say sorry to me again. You never owed me this. Why would I want to do this if you didn't want to do it? That's a game changer. But if we're sitting here, and many of us in this room have been married a long time, and we're thinking, ugh, I've heard that, or I've said that, imagine what your soldiers are thinking with no knowledge. That little skill right there is huge that you could teach. Everybody in this room, how many of you could all go back to your soldiers and say, hey, look, we just came back from a SHARP program. And anybody ever, you might notice this moving forward, a partner might say to you, sorry, I'm not in the mood tonight. Sorry, I'm— make sure they know they don't need to ever say sorry to you again. They didn't owe you that.