How to Thrive in Your Relationships

Welcome to You Make Sense. This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire. Remember, you make sense, all parts, always. So in this episode, we're going to talk about how we can begin thriving or thriving more in our romantic relationships. So many of us might find ourselves in a relationship that has so much potential, and even maybe on paper everything seems like it, it should work, or there's a lot of compatibility, and yet we struggle a lot inside of the relational container. So I first want to talk about why this is occurring, because like all things, it makes so much sense. And then what can we do to actually change this? Because it can leave a lot of us feeling really hopeless when we maybe finally, for the first time, enter into a relationship that has so many of the qualities that we're desiring, and yet it feels really hard or exhausting or impossible in a lot of ways. So today we're gonna, again, as I said, make sense of it, and then I'm going to give you some tangible things you can do to begin creating change in your relationships. So part of the reason why so many of us struggle in our romantic relationships is because this is the place where our unresolved childhood trauma shows up the most, or challenges in childhood that have yet to be resolved. And the way our nervous system works is it's constantly looking out into our experiences to decide if we're safe or not. We have this threat detector called neuroception that does that, and it's always referencing our past to see if our present is is safe. So when it comes to romantic relationships, our nervous system is most reminded of our early childhood experiences because that's where the blueprint for connection was laid. So what occurs is we're really quite constantly, or even chronically, in our romantic relationships superimposing the past on the present. So even though we might have a loving partner who is available for us and they are consistent and they aren't, you know, haven't maybe even for a decade, gone anywhere or left, if in the past I was abandoned, there might be parts of me in my nervous system that are saying, yeah, but people don't stay and family means being abandoned. And so I will chronically have this experience of feeling unsafe in the relational container. Or maybe let's say in my childhood, I was always on eggshells feeling like I was going to be in trouble. And then my romantic relationship, I'm always scared that my partner's going to be mad at me. And so what's essential occurring is that, that past imprint of what it was like to be in relationships is being overlaid onto my adult relationship. And by the way, I just want to name everybody is doing this to some degree. Our work is to begin gaining an understanding of this so we can really be clear on what's actually about the present in my current relational dynamic and what is actually about the past. And the beautiful thing about a safe relational container is that it really— I know this isn't gonna sound maybe exciting, but it pokes at some of these unresolved things for us. And I say for us because a lot of these things won't be highlighted anywhere in our lives as much as they are inside of a romantic relationship. Meaning we might not actually look at these things that are needing resolution unless we were in a romantic relationship that's calling for it. And when we actually can do that in a relational container, it, it not only makes the relationship one in which we feel, um, an incredible sense of fulfillment from and where we can thrive from, but it heals the past in the present. And this is why, by the way, you might be in other types of relationships like friendships or have acquaintances or coworkers where everything kind of cruises along. Yeah, sometimes there's some ruptures that happen or disconnections, but they seem manageable. And overall, I feel pretty good about the relationship. And then you get into a romantic relationship and all of a sudden everything feels like it's got flipped upside down. Feel confused and overwhelmed and scared and all kinds of things and dysregulating things. And that's because this is the place where these parts are brought to life the most. And I think of it as an opportunity to actually allow for them to get the healing that they never got, and vice versa. And when we can do that together with our partner, it deepens the relationship and the level of safety in the relationship in such a profound way. And the other thing I just wanna name about romantic relationships, which we've talked about in previous episodes, is how do we choose the people that we choose? And sometimes I think a lot of times people think it's just a coincidence, the type of people that we're drawing in, but it's the opposite of that. Neuroception is this threat detector I named it, subconscious, and it's picking up on everything in your surroundings and also internally in your body, that's called interoception, at all times. The threat detector, it likes what it knows. And the reason it likes what it knows is because that's a way to predictably know what to do to protect ourselves. And so the more that I can anticipate what's going to happen, the greater I can ensure my survival and safety. The other thing is it likes what it knows because that is the blueprint it has, like in terms of romantic partnership, for what it is, is like to connect with other living beings. So whatever you received in those earliest childhood experiences in terms connection and love, that becomes a blueprint for how your system says, this must be how I show up in romantic partnership. So this is the role that I have. So if in childhood my role was to have no needs, to be parentified, meaning take care of the emotional needs of the adults around me, then when it comes to romantic relationships, my system's gonna say, okay, so we have to find someone else who fits this dynamic with us. And this is why we'll find ourselves in the same relational patterns over and over and over and over again. The beautiful thing is we can actually change this. And the more that we address our internal system and the parts within ourselves, repairing our parts, the more we actually change our baseline for what love and connection is. And then in turn, we actually start to pick differently. And we also have other episodes on that that you can have a look at as well. So once we have done a lot of the work necessary to attract a partner that we desire and that actually fulfills us, we'll find ourselves in this romantic relationship, but as I named at the beginning of this episode, we might not feel like we're thriving inside of it. It might feel really challenging and really hard. And the things that we're wanting in that relational container are things like safety. So feeling like I can feel safe internally, but also safe with the other person. We want attunement. Now, attunement is not just what someone says or repeats back to us. Attunement is them actually connecting with us on a nervous system level. So if I'm feeling something like hopelessness, that they can touch into that a little bit with us, not get overwhelmed by the hopelessness, but just touch into it so we feel like we're not alone in it. And then they can support us to move out of it and vice versa. That's what attunement is. So it goes far beyond what someone says. I know a lot of people listening, you may have had people in a romantic relationship say all the right words, but it didn't feel right. And that might be because they weren't connecting with you on a nervous system level. We also want deep connection with them. We wanna be able to experience closeness, so coming in and being close both physically and energetically to someone, but also that we can have our own autonomy and have space. So we have a life together, we have a life with outside of one another and separately. We want deep intimacy. And when I say intimacy, a lot of times people think that just means sexual intimacy. It most certainly doesn't. Emotional intimacy, so a deep experience of of knowing and coming into contact with one another and our most vulnerable parts. And so, and I wanted to get to the next point, which is vulnerability. So we all have parts of ourselves that we had to learn to protect or to fortify off from the world because long ago, when long ago could be from your childhood or a past relationship, when those vulnerable parts of us were exposed, it wasn't safe. But the thing is, One of the primary human needs that we all have is to be deeply seen and deeply known. We all want that. And so we are in this internal battle often where there's this desire to protect ourselves, but this deep desire for vulnerability. And so romantic relationships are really the place for the, the highest level of deepening of that vulnerability and bravely allowing ourselves to be seen by one another in the ways that perhaps wasn't safe in the past. Play. This is a, a real necessary experience in bonding. So sometimes relationships, especially when we're really entrenched in our healing work, they can tend to feel really heavy and like we're doing the work all the time. And in order for a relationship to deepen and the level of safety to deepen, we really need to have play. Especially, by the way, if you're finding the relationship to be challenged, like we're working through some hard stuff, the more we can bring play in, the more deep the bond becomes. It's also a container for where, rather, we are deeply wanting to be ourselves in ways that perhaps we weren't able to be ourselves anywhere else in our lives. You know, when we come into this world, we're supposed to have an experience where we're greeted by our families, the people around us, and the message, both verbal and nonverbal, is just as you are is exactly right. And you are your own being. You are not us. So many of us had caregivers who projected onto us what they want us to be rather than who we actually are. So in a safe romantic relationship, what we're looking for is that I can be all of me fully. And I just wanna name, if you're in a romantic relationship right now that you really wanna lean into and you're saying, oh my gosh, but I feel like I can't be myself fully and I feel like I can't lean into intimacy, that doesn't mean that the relationship is wrong for you. It might mean that these protective parts of you are saying, ugh, this really wasn't a safe thing to do in the past, so I'm afraid to allow for that experience now. A few other things that we're wanting in our romantic relationships are a place where we're able to resolve conflict. Conflict is a natural, normal part of life. It's something we can't avoid. And so we don't want to actually try to get rid of conflict— it wouldn't be possible. We want to be able to navigate it with greater ease and knowing that the relationship doesn't end when conflict arises. And the more that we can repair quickly, the more research shows the, the health and longevity longevity of a relationship. So I wanna talk about why we struggle to receive these things. Why do we struggle to experience all of these things that we're really wanting? Especially by the way, if you find yourself in a relationship that has the potential to be wonderful, a relationship that is filled with so much goodness, and yet I can't lean into all of these things that, that I just named, or we struggle together as partners to really lean into them. So So one of the reasons is because we didn't receive those things in the past. And as I named before, our nervous systems like what they know. So if vulnerability is not something that I received in the past, that level of deep connection, then my system's gonna say, I don't wanna go towards that because when I tried to in the past, I was let down or it was unsafe. And so we almost fortify from the things that we want the most. Another reason is because when we haven't received those things, our nervous systems don't yet have the, um, the capacity within them to hold the energetic experience of things like play or closeness or connection or even space in the relationship. So we have to build our capacity to be able to hold and experience these things. And the other thing I wanna name is it's very important to understand is that The good doesn't always feel good at first. And that's because, as I named a moment ago, as we step towards these things, if they weren't safe in the past or they weren't available, our nervous system's gonna say, I don't know about that. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. And we experience that as anxiety or feeling shut down or overwhelmed, or we freeze up or we panic. And so I just wanna name that because I work with a lot of people, and by the way, for myself, uh, but for with people who come into a safe relationship that has a lot of potential. And then they struggle in these areas and they think, well, shouldn't it just be easy? Or I read this thing online that said it should just be easy and that's how you know that it's a right relationship. And it is so much more nuanced than that. It is not going to— the things that were either unsafe or inhibited or in the past are not just going to be easy for us to step into. We have to show our nervous system, our parts, that the things that were once dangerous in the past are now safe for us. Like, I'll give you a couple examples. So for me, intimacy, emotional intimacy, well, and sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy was not something that I experienced in my childhood. I truly can't remember a time where one person asked me, how are you? Like, literally. So that meant that I had to kind of fortify and go it alone in my life. And when it came to my romantic relationships in my adult life, it's the thing, one of the things I craved the most was for just for someone to see me and to be able to lean on someone else and let myself be seen by them. And yet it was the most terrifying thing. And what I did early on in my relationships is I projected onto my partner that it was their fault that this was happening. Meaning my past was being superimposed on the present and my nervous system and my parts were saying, oh, your partner must be just like these people in the past. And that, that also, by the way, kept me from leaning into intimacy and vulnerability if I could, could make it my partner's fault. And so the more that we are able to really understand what's happening and then say, okay, this is a really scary thing for me and it's a thing I want, so what we have to do is we have to begin taking tolerable steps towards that. If you tried to step into life a 10 out of 10 in level of exposure, intimacy, your system's gonna say no way, and you'll just avoid it. So how might I be able to step into showing myself 2% more or 5% more? When, like, when my, like, in romantic relationships, when people would say to me, how are you? I would say, I'm fine, how are you? And I would like change it to be back about them, the conversation about them. My work was to say, okay, they are asking me how I am, can I take up a little more space Can I actually share a little bit more behind the curtain? Or if I'm feeling afraid of something, can I verbalize that a little bit? Or if I have a need or feel scared, can I ask for a hug? So that leaning in in a way that doesn't feel comfortable but feels tolerable begins to show our nervous systems that the past is actually over and that this experience, this experience of a safe relationship, is one in which I can open fully to and allow my myself to no longer be protected, but instead can be protected by them, which is a really beautiful thing that we get to do for each other in our relationships. So now I want to talk about some practical things that you can begin doing that will support you to thrive in your relationships and transform the relationship that you're in, especially if you're finding yourself challenged or in the same repetitive patterns over and over again. So I want to just give you some practical things you can do that will support you to deepen your experience of vulnerability. Remember, vulnerability is about exposure, so letting parts of ourselves be seen fully, specifically parts of ourselves that perhaps historically were not safe to be seen. So I want you to think about if there is a part of yourself from the past that you had to perhaps fortify off or protect because it wasn't safe to be fully you, or it wasn't safe to be fully seen in the past. For example, I had this very fortified part of myself that was around 6, very, very young, felt in such a profound way a sense of unworthiness, like her existence was not okay, that as she was inherently was not enough. And I found a lot of ways in my life to fortify her, becoming a perfectionist and a doer and a striver and an achiever. But that doesn't actually heal the part. It helps that part to not have to feel what they felt back And then we get into a romantic relationship and all of the sudden that, that part is reminded of what it was like to be in her experience. And I started to feel her again, present in, in my relational dynamic. And what is so important to help that part and also to help myself was to lean into the exposure of sharing what was actually happening, meaning sharing that embodied experience of this part inside of myself with, and we wanna of course do this with someone someone who's safe. And in that sharing, it allowed for that part to get what she never got. And the only way that we can make that happen is through our exposure. And it is maybe one of the most terrifying things to allow for those most vulnerable parts to be exposed. So for me, that looked like beginning to really sit first with myself. What is this part feeling in my therapeutic work? And then how can I communicate that to this person and share that, you know, I'm noticing when this arises in the relationship It really is reminding me of this experience I had for so much of my life where I felt like I'm just unworthy or not enough and, and really explaining what the somatic experience is like, what it reminded me of. And, and trying your best to do this from a place of embodiment, meaning when it feels really overwhelming, we can present it almost like we're a lawyer or something where it's kind of like clinical in the facts. Instead of me actually feeling them. And the feeling of it is what allows for that deeper vulnerability. It is also what allows for the person on the other side to feel a deep empathy and sympathy for us. And if they are a safe, attuned person there and care about you, their impulse is going to want to be to help. And so that not only will help you to feel, uh, seen, which is a part of vulnerability, but it heals the past and the present. So we want to look at how can we first connect to those fortified parts of ourselves, the parts that feel shame, the parts that feel inadequate, the parts that feel scared, and can I begin expressing that? Other things that we can do to lean into vulnerability is really connect to what am I afraid of inside of this relationship, both my adult self and my younger parts. What is the fear here and how is the fear being made manifest? Like a lot of the times, the way that we actually present our fear is through trying to control something. So if I'm feeling fear inside that you're going to leave, I might try to control you to make sure I always know what you're doing as a way to ensure that you don't leave, right? Which of course the irony is that usually pushes somebody further away. So look at the behavior that's arising out of fear. Usually there's some kind of control occurring and then connect into, well, what is underneath that need for control? What is the fear all about? First making access to it yourself and then seeing, can I communicate it? Another thing that will support us to lean into vulnerability is connecting to what our needs are. And, you know, for so many of us, we grew up in experiences and past relationships where our needs were not always met, our needs for connection and attunement and love and so on and so forth. And so a lot of us had to survive on breadcrumbs. And you may have had loving parents, for example, who met all of your needs physically, but they didn't meet your emotional needs. And so we, we almost become starved for those things. And so our relationships are a place for us to reach our arms out to our partner and say, hey, can you do this thing that wasn't done for me? And even when you think about reaching your arms out to someone, there's such a vulnerability in that, right? Because they might say no. They might not reach back. And this is why— here in lies why vulnerability can be so challenging, because it's, it's asking us to go towards places that were either never explored in the past or places that were unmet in the past. And so just know that resistance to it is so incredibly normal. Part of the work that can make this feel tolerable to step into is first really coming into my own embodied experience before I do any communicating to my partner in any way. And by the way, what so many of us are doing is— and by so many of us, we all do this to some degree— is we're projecting onto our partner all the things that we never got in the past. And in many ways, we're asking them to be the perfect parent we never got, and that they can most certainly not be. And so if you ever find yourself in a relationship where it feels like it's never quite never quite enough, that's a clue that these young parts of yourself are looking for your partner to be that parent for them. I was doing that where it was never quite enough, and I just wanted to mold them into this person, this perfect parent that of course they couldn't be. The more that we are able to greet our own parts and become the internal parent we never got, the more we can look to our partner. I think of it almost like a secondary parent that they show up not as this idealized perfect parent, but as a human being who loves us dearly. And we can actually feel into the things that they are doing for us. So the more that I can connect internally to what's actually going on for me, what things are not actually being communicated or are coming out as complaints or ways that I am controlling situations or pushing away. If I can connect into what's really occurring inside, and then can I take that outside of me and let my partner see it and express that either verbally— you can express it through an email, a text message, a written note, whatever way makes that tolerable for you. Now, another thing that supports us to thrive in our relationships that we really need is intimacy, a deep level of being fully seen. And again, this is something that for so many of us is that was not received in the past, was not safe in the past. So we contorted and became what we thought other people wanted us to be. We became, you know, the class clown. We became the good little girl or little boy or little child, and instead of being who we actually are. And so intimacy is allowing myself to be fully me and seen by you and allowing you to be fully you you and seen by me and coming together in closeness. So a lot of times we can get so heady, really locked up in a cognitive experience of talking. And of course talking can create intimacy, but so much of human connection is not about a verbal language. And so physical contact is a really important way to deepen intimacy. A simple way that you can do that is by experiencing a body hug, especially connecting into where your nervous system lives in your body. So your nervous system, your ventral vagal complex, goes all the way up into your head and inner ear, all the way down to your lower diaphragm, your gut, and even into your reproductive organs. So if we can give someone a hug and make contact, physical contact with our bodies, slow down, not use any words, but begin begin to breathe together. Your breathing actually is going to begin matching your nervous system. So we have something called mirror neurons. Nervous systems read nervous systems. So that breathing together brings both of our nervous systems into a place of regulation and a deep level of connection and intimacy. A lot of times you get home and you hug your spouse, your significant other, really quickly and you move on to the next thing. You're not present. And this is a real act of presence. Intimacy only happens when you are deeply here in presence. So the more that we can practice that together, the more we deepen our bond. Really, really important. We can also use physical contact in other ways, like caressing each other's skin and really being present to it, not being distracted by watching TV or something else, but just silently touching one another or, you know, listening to music while you hold each other's hands. And I know that might It might seem really strange if that's not something that you've leaned into before, or it might seem really rudimentary, but I can guarantee you if you haven't tried it and you actually come into this level of presence, it might even feel overwhelming at first because so many of us are navigating our lives where we're not actually present. I'm thinking about something in the past, my partner's thinking about something in the future, and we're not actually here together. So what we're working on is bringing ourselves into to presence. And when we do that, we can actually connect in a profound way. Another thing that we can do is make eye contact with one another without words. Really profound and sometimes overwhelming, or can bring up a lot of things because we're being deeply seen and we're seeing deeply. So trying that out, even if for a few seconds, and noticing what it's like to be present and with the other person, this person that you love deeply. Now we can also of course use words to help support us to come into greater intimacy. And these words that I'm about to share, I'm gonna give you some prompts that you can practice, are all ways in which we are allowing ourselves to have a deeper experience of being seen and known. A simple one: I feel inadequate in this way. You know, inadequacy is usually rooted in things from the past, often from our childhood, We, if we feel inadequate or like we're not enough, we usually fortify and we don't want to show that to anybody. It's like a lone wolf that goes off by itself when it's injured. And if we want to experience deep intimacy, we have to actually allow for ourselves to open and be exposed in the relational container. So that's a great prompt to share, uh, and vice versa with your partner. Uh, this is what you mean to me. For many of us, it can be hard to express our love. So leaning into, can I share this with you? And vice versa, really creates a deepening of connection. And at first it might feel safest to do that over text or over writing them a letter, but it's a profound way to really strengthen a relationship. And then lastly, I want more of you in this way, or I need this from you and it's scary to ask for it. So all of these things really deepen our capacity to have a solid foundation of both intimacy and being seen and vulnerability inside of our relationships. So the next thing that's absolutely imperative for us to learn to navigate in order for a relationship to thrive is the rupture and repair process. All relationships are filled with ruptures or disconnections. Sometimes that looks like an argument, and it's not about the amount of ruptures that we have. It's about our ability to repair and our ability to repair quickly. And for many of us, we didn't see our caregivers do that. Children are actually supposed to see their caregivers have experiences of disconnection, and they must see the experience of repair. And for many of us, you might have never seen your parents argue or disconnect, and because they repressed everything, that's actually not healthy, not something that we want to happen. Or for others of us, we saw explosive experiences of disconnection and we never saw repair, and neither of those those are healthy or supportive, of course. So I want to walk you through quickly the rupture and repair process. What's very important to understand is we cannot solve the problem from the state of the problem in terms of our nervous system. Essentially, that means if I'm in my sympathetic nervous system and I feel frustrated, I can't solve the problem from that state of dysregulation because essentially my nervous system is saying, in that moment, I don't think you're safe. And, and vice versa, the other person's system is saying, I don't think you're safe, and maybe they're shutting down or they're getting scared. And so if we try to resolve the problem from that place, it's almost like we both have swords out defending ourselves, and we won't have resolution. In fact, oftentimes the problem becomes bigger. So if we are in a rupture, 101 of understanding the nervous system and navigating, navigating relationships is we must pause and focus on regulation. So when you're both regulated and feeling good, we— I want you to talk about this game plan with your partner and say, okay, what happens when we usually try to talk about problems when we're dysregulated? They get worse. So let's make a rule that we pause when we're having that kind of experience. Either one of you can create the pause, and then we have to go do something to regulate. You can do that together, like go for a walk, or separately, and then we check back in in 10 minutes, in 5 minutes. But it's really important to have a check back time, especially for anyone who's avoidant. You, your system's going to say, let's check back in 3 years. We want to check back in, so in 20 minutes, a half hour, and see, are we both regulated? And if not, we keep doing things to regulate until we're both back in regulation. Now, when you're in this pause time, like on your own regulating, I want you to focus on a couple, asking yourself a couple of questions. What was I feeling in that moment? So ask yourself, when the rupture occurred, what was I feeling? What was happening internally for me? And then I want you to ask yourself, what did that remind me of? Or when was the first time I remembered experiencing this? That will clue you into what this is poking at from the past, which is really important information because so often it's not just about what's happening presently, the past is being interwoven into the experience. So once I'm clear on what am I actually feeling, what is this reminding me of in the past, or when's the first time I remember experiencing that, and what did I actually need in that experience that I wasn't getting— so once I'm clear on all of those things, both people are, we come back together when we're regulated, and then what we'll want to do is take turns. So if I'm going first, my job is to to express what I was feeling, what it reminded me of, and what I actually needed in that moment. And then my partner's job is to listen. And after I've shared with them, their job is to reflect back what they heard. And also not only that, but to empathize. So feel what I'm saying. So literally repeating back what they're hearing and then letting me know in their own words how that makes sense. Oh, I understand how it triggered that from past, and I am committed to working on meeting that need. Or if the need doesn't make sense, can you expand on the need more, or can we make it a need that I actually know I can fulfill for you? And then they go. Now they share what they were feeling, what it reminded them of, what their unmet need was. And then we can, then we can come together and say, okay, and when this occurs again, here's what we're each going to do to meet those needs. That's how we stop those habituated patterns over and over that build resentment in a relationship and are kind of like a slow poison in the relational dynamic and instead allow us to flourish inside of our relationships. And lastly, I just want to say, when we're navigating conflict in a relationship, play should be a priority. Play creates bonding with, with one another, with our friends, with our lovers, with our partners. And so what I really want you to think about is not we have to do the work and talk about the problems, but we actually have to deepen our bonding. It's the deepening of our bonding that's then going to allow for us to navigate the challenges, because I no longer see you as the enemy, I see you as my partner. And the more that we do all of the things I talked about today, the more that you really are able to step into your partnership in a whole new way, and it becomes a place where you can fully be you where you feel like your needs are being met, and it becomes this thriving foundation that also allows you to step into the life that you're desiring more fully too. Somatic healing holds the power to unlock the life you're desiring, and it all starts with regulating your nervous system. That's exactly what we're going to do inside my 6-week course, Navigating Your Nervous System. The doors are now open for enrollment through January 17th. So let's get to the Q&A portion of this episode. I just want to say thank you to every single one of you who've submitted a question, whether that's written one, a video, or an audio recording. I'm so grateful for all of you. And although we can't get to every single question, I want you to know that we, we hear all of them, we listen to them, and we do our best to really make sure that we're answering questions that will relate to as many of you as possible.

So in this episode, we have some, uh, some audio recordings that we're going to play for you, and then I'll answer those Hey, Sarah, my question is in regards to how you go about navigating when in a relationship, a traumatic event has occurred that is not physical abuse, emotional abuse, yelling, screaming, or adultery. And it's being brought back up in the relationship from the past. And your perspectives and realities on that event and what occurred are different, um, and are both very traumatic for both of you, but you just simply see that event differently. And how you go about navigating that without discarding each other's realities, um, gaslighting each other, or just a path that leads us to reconciliation and healing around that event and how we can best do It's a very large traumatic event that has caused a separation in our relationship, and I'm trying to figure out.

I love this question. It's such an important aspect or component of relational dynamics that I don't think is talked about enough. What polyvagal theory shows us is that our nervous system is creating our entire experience at any given moment. I talk about this a lot, but it creates our sensations, our thoughts, our feelings, our behaviors, so the things that we do, And it also creates our perception of ourselves, of others, and the world around us. So it's literally creating our entire experience. So each of us, within us, I talk, we've talked about this in this episode, but we all have this internal database or computer system with every lived experience we've ever had inside of it, including all of our relational experiences. And the blueprint of our relational experiences, as we talked about, is laid in our earliest childhood. So as I'm walking around in the world, my perception of what is occurring is deeply informed by two things: what's happening in my nervous system, so what state in my nervous system I'm experiencing, and what's in my database. So if I'm in a romantic relationship and I'm regulated in my nervous system, that means I feel present here and good, like I'm in the present moment with with you. That means that my perception of us in the relationship, of you, of me, of the relationship as a whole, is going to be really informed predominantly by this present moment because I am in the present moment. Now, if I find myself dysregulated in the relational dynamic, then there's going to be a part of what's occurring for me is not only going to be about, likely about what's occurring currently in the relational dynamic, but some of my experiences in that database are going to be superimposed onto this relational dynamic. So my perception about what's occurring is not just informed by what's happening in, you know, this year, it's also going to be informed by things that may have happened decades ago. And so each of us come into the relationship, right, with our own database, our own preexisting experiences, of what a relationship is. And then we come together and when we have a rupture, we aren't just going to be experiencing that rupture based on this moment. We're going to be bringing those databases or past experiences to the rupture, which is why in romantic relationships, maybe more than anywhere else, when we have an argument or a disconnection occur, it can literally feel like there's two different realities. Is occurring. And that's because our younger parts are being activated. And so they're saying, oh, this reminds me of when I was 10, or this reminds me of when I was 15, or this reminds me of my first marriage. And so all of that stuff from the past is being projected onto this present experience. And what can occur is if I feel like my partner's perception of what's occurring doesn't match mine, it can make me feel unsafe. It can make me feel unheard. It can make me feel like my reality isn't real, or a variety of other things which can further create this deepening of disconnection for the two of us. So what I really invite in first separately and then together, it's really important that I get very clear on how much of my perception and experience of what is happening is actually about today, or this trauma from the past, as this man's talking about, and how much of it is about my past experience. So as I feel into, this person's talking about a trauma that happened in the relationship a long time ago, if I think back to that experience, what I wanna do is feel into what is happening in my body when that experience occurred. So we're just bringing it to life a little bit. I don't want to retraumatize ourselves and relive it fully, but just a flavoring of what was I feeling in my body? And I want you to notice where you feel that in your body, specifically the sensation. So I might feel tension, or I feel like there's like a bubbling energy in my stomach, or it feels like there's a clenching around my spine. So just notice the sensations. So then we want to ask ourselves, if that sensation could talk, what do I think it might say? Or you can ask yourself, when is the first time I remember feeling this? All of these are ways that we can excavate and figure out how much of this is about the present and how much of it is about the past. Another thing that we can do is ask ourselves when we feel into that activation, do I feel like my adult self or not? And if you're thinking like, what the heck does that mean? I invite you to first anchor into a moment where you have felt really capable, present, here, like adult you, a moment you felt maybe in your work you feel that way, or as a parent you feel that way. And then as you bring to life this, this trauma that happened in the past in the relationship, just notice if you still feel like that version of you, or if you feel like a different version of you, if you feel smaller, if you feel scared, if you felt out of control. You can even ask yourself, how old do I feel in my body right now? So all of this is going to clue us into what is this also reminding me of in the past, because In most ruptures in a relationship, we're also gonna have parts that say, hey, this feels a lot like this thing that happened in the past to me. So the more that I can get really curious about what is also being brought to life from my past in this experience, because the truth is most of the time it is not just about our partner, or it's not just about what's happening in this current relational experience. So if I can get clear on that and, and think back to when is the first time I experienced this, and then ask yourself, and what was it like to experience that back then? What happened in that dynamic in the past? What was the unmet need that I have? What was I afraid of? What felt hurtful? And so on and so forth. We can get really clear on what that part that has not had the healing that they need, needs from us now, and also might need from our partner. Another thing that you can do when you remember back to this traumatic experience is to ask yourself, did my reaction to it match the circumstance? Meaning, what I was feeling, did it match what was happening in that moment, or did it seem like bigger than what was happening in that moment? And, and, and by the way, that doesn't it doesn't let anyone off the hook in terms of what occurred in the rupture or that betrayal or that scenario, but what it does is it really gives us clarity around how much of my past is being informed by the present. So we wanna excavate that, see what in our past is being illuminated or felt again. And then we wanna ask ourselves, how did I feel in that moment? So how did adult me feel? What was the unmet need that I did not have in that moment? And what is that need that could be met now? Meaning, how might I be able to ask my partner to help me feel safer or to feel more heard or to feel like I am important to them, and so on and so forth. So what I want you each to do is go on your own and do that investigation work with kindness, loving kindness, that is so much more effective than when we just point the finger at our partner. And what we're really doing is we're saying, not only did you let me down, but we might project onto them the way our caregivers let us down, or the way that they weren't safe for us, or they never saw us. And then what we want to do is come back together when we're regulated. That's really important. Come back together when we're regulated so that we can do this repair process process together. Just to name something that can be helpful for you to come into regulation in terms of being in regulation in the relational container is to really sit with all the ways that your partner has created safety for you, all the ways that they have tried their best to meet your needs, all the ways that they love you deeply, and really marinate in those. When I say marinate, I mean feel those in your body. Somatically. We are— human beings are negatively inclined creatures, not because we are quote-unquote negative, but because we're trying to survive. So if we can focus on danger, we can prevent against it. And that actually happens in our relationships. We can be really focused on what's not working instead of what is, or what our partner is actually doing that, that is, is helpful or supportive for us. So really marinate in that, because that shows those, your protective parts, oh, this person isn't an identical match to those people in the past. They're actually different in a lot of ways, and they create a lot of safety for me. So marinate in that. And then before we come back into contact, we want to marinate in that again. So it really supports our system to see the person that I'm coming to, to make this repair with is not like the people in the past that perhaps I couldn't repair with? What I like to start the repair process with is sharing about each other the things that we actually appreciate, the things that we love, and let yourself feel them as you say them. And the other person who's receiving it, really let yourself feel the receiving of that. That cues to both of our nervous systems that the other person is safe. And then what we want to do is we want to let them behind the curtain in terms of investigation work we've done. So really naming, I understand, and this is for both of us, that our perceptions of reality can never be the same. That's actually what neuroscience tells us. My perception cannot be the same as yours because I have a different lived experience than you. I have a different database than you. And, and just having a baseline of that can be one of the most profound things in a relationship to do, because what we can we tend to do is try to shake the other person into seeing our reality, which can never fully happen. Certainly we want them to empathize, but they can never fully actually be in your shoes because they don't have your lived experience. So naming, it is okay that we have a different perception of this experience. That does not negate either of our perceptions or either of our truths and our realities. And then we wanna start sharing What I realized is when this occurred, this is what it reminded me of in the past, and that's still not resolved. And this is the way I felt in the past. This is how scary that was. This is, you know, all the vulnerability things we talked about in this episode. I want you to lean into sharing that and then saying, and for my adult self that I am in this relationship, here's how that made me feel as your partner, and here's what I actually need What do I need from you that I'm scared to ask for? And then we have our other— our partner do the same. And the more that we can do this and really understand and accept what science says, which is that our perceptions are always going to not be fully aligned, the more we can make room for each other's experiences, knowing it does not in any way lessen or dilute your reality too.

Hi Sarah, this is Stephanie. First, I want to start off by saying thank you. Um, your work and your podcast have helped me so much actually realize what I need to do to start my healing journey. I think I read so many books and other podcasts and just felt so stuck. Now I finally know what I need to do. And your podcast just makes me feel so heard and safe. So in terms of the relationship question, you've talked about the importance of safe connections with regards to our healing journeys. Is it possible to heal an anxious attachment while being in an anxious avoidant dynamic relationship? Even when you don't feel safe emotionally.

So one of the most common combinations in terms of attachment styles in romantic partnerships is one person who's anxiously attached and one person who's avoidantly attached. We have episodes on attachment styles that you can go listen to, but for those of you that don't know what that, that means, I think of this like the, um, someone who's like an island and the other person has a speedboat to race to that person's island. So if I'm an avoidant person, my system is saying connection is not safe. It has historically either not been available or not safe. So I deeply desire connection, but my system is saying don't do that. So I struggle to let people close. Uh, when fights or ruptures occur, I pull away or shut down. I struggle to share vulnerably, to communicate needs, um, uh, to lean into you, to verbally share how I feel about you, my system is really trying to prevent me from that. And so I think of myself like an Islander. And then, uh, when I'm anxiously attached, my system is saying, in order for me to feel safe, I need to have connection or closeness. I don't feel a sense of safety alone inside, so I need to make sure that the, the relationship is intact. And that means that I'm going to have an overfocus on you. I might negate my own needs for the greater purpose or good purpose that I have, which is to keep the connection. So I get in an argument and then I disregard my own needs and I say, let's just, I just wanna fix it and I'll be whatever you want me to be and I won't have that need and I'm sorry, even though you have nothing to apologize for, all as a way to get the connection back. So it's almost like when a rupture occurs, the avoidant person goes to their island in the middle of the South Pacific and the anxious person then gets in the speedboat and races to the island and then you get to the island And you've got a megaphone and you're like, hey, get off the island, come talk to me. And then the person like digs a hole underneath the island and they're trying to get away from you and you're trying to go closer and they're trying to get away and you try to go closer. And by the way, there's no chicken or the egg. One person may begin that dance, but we both come into the dance and this is going to replicate a familiar dance. Meaning if that's a dynamic we find ourselves in, then there's something about that that is reminiscent of a relational dynamic in our past. Past, usually in our earliest childhood experiences. So this most certainly is a place that you can do the work necessary to not only change what's happening in your relationship, and it can transform into a thriving relationship, but it also will heal the past and the present. And there's a lot of great things about romantic relationships, right? They're exciting and there's intimacy and vulnerability and you can have a beautiful sex life and just all the things that are really wonderful inside of it. But I think that maybe the most profound part of a romantic relationship is that it has the power, unlike any other relationship, to help support you to heal those younger parts of you and heal the past in the present. It's so beautiful. And when we can do that together, and I watch couples do that together, and the ways I've done that, it creates a solid foundation that in so many ways can be unbreakable. So here's the caveat to that. We need both people who are willing to do the work. And more often than not, what happens is one person says, hey, I actually think like this person that sent a question in might be the one that said, you know what, I want things to change. And we venture down this healing journey and we really want to change the dynamic. And our partner at first might be like, I don't want to change the dynamic. I don't want to do this work because it requires looking at ourselves and looking at things we've avoided because they're scary. But if we can get the other person on board, And both people are willing to do the work. Then what we are able to do is we are able to actually facilitate the thing that we never got. So the person who's avoidant is then able to see slowly, it is safe to connect. It is safe to be vulnerable. It is safe to lean on you. It is safe to have you lean on me. Um, and the person who's, which means connection is safe. I'm showing my nervous system through this relationship that connection connection is safe. And for the anxious person, it's a place for them to see it is actually safe to have distance in a relationship sometimes. I don't always have to have an intense sense of connectivity to know I'm safe. We can even have disconnections or ruptures, and I know that I'm okay, and I don't disappear into the relationship. I don't lose myself. I don't disregard my own needs and truth. I am able to be fully me here and take up space here. And when we can do that for each other, so much healing happens. But the first thing is both people have to be open and available to that. We have to deeply understand the dynamic that's occurring, and we have to have a game plan for how are we going to navigate this experience of what happens in each of our attachment systems and what is actually occurring for me, what is actually occurring occurring for you? Well, we wouldn't say you, each of us saying what's occurring for ourselves and what feels scary and what do I actually need? What I'm going to begin working on. When we can do that, we can then have a game plan and say, okay, so the next time this happens, here's what we're gonna try. Here's what we're gonna do. And of course you're not gonna get it all right the first time or the second or 10th time, but the more we do this, the more shifts begin to happen. Happen. Now, the other thing I lastly want to say is there has to be safety inside of the relational container too. So each, each other have to— we both rather have to be safe for each other inside of the relationship. And so what's really important to look at is when I'm feeling regulated, I want you to ask yourself, is this person safe for me? When you're dysregulated in a young part who feels, you know, superimposing the past on the present, it's likely the part's going to say this person is not unsafe because I'm projecting things that weren't safe in the past onto them. So in order to know that, it's really important that when I'm regulated, how do I feel about this person? How do I feel in my nervous system when I'm regulated around them? What needs do they meet? Who are they as an individual? Are they honest, trustworthy, of high integrity, and so on and so forth? And if the answers are yes, then it's a beautiful beautiful place for so much of this change to happen. Harville and Helen Hendrix, who are well-known couples therapists, they, they say a lot that a great marriage has many divorces. And what they mean by that is, in order for us to grow inside of the relationship, we have to change the contract of that relationship many times over. And that often looks like bumpy roads in the relationship. We're navigating things, we're renegotiating things. But when we do that, we reach this new plateau of, of this new relationship that really can thrive in ways that it could never thrive before, and we heal the past while we do it. So my hope is that it supports you to not only understand what's happening in your relational dynamics, but also gives you the tools necessary to thrive inside of them too. I also want to remind you that this 5-part series, Your Somatic Starter Kit, it is meant to give you really a playbook that will support you to step into the life you are desiring this year and beyond. So be sure to check that out. If you missed the, the previous episodes, uh, go back and listen to those too. Have a beautiful rest of your day, and I'll see you next week.