A first-person reflection in which the speaker describes learning, in midlife, to own and explore personal pleasure—particularly sexual pleasure—after years of prioritizing others and not knowing or permitting their own desires. The speaker recounts performing pleasure outwardly while lacking self-knowledge about bodily preferences and sexual self-touch.
Many of us were never taught to own our pleasure. We were taught to give how to please others, how to be quiet and small and grateful. But no one ever said, hey, what turns you on? And I was in my late 40s before I'd realized I had spent most of my life taking what was given, especially in bed and never asking for what I really wanted. And I felt so stupid and insecure to say what I actually wanted in bed. And I could perform pleasure, but I wasn't really feeling it. And I could dance in front of thousands of people, but I couldn't actually say, hey, touch me here, touch me like this, or go slower, I want more of that, or would you do this? And I didn't even give myself permission to actually touch myself. Now I could make myself have an orgasm like that, but I didn't even really know what I wanted. I didn't know what I liked because I'd never actually explored my own body, never gave myself permission.
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