Ep 08 Stillness Before the Day Begins A Conversation with Mike O’Neill

Welcome to Remembering the Forgotten, a space where leaders think out loud without polish or performance. No scripts, no personas, just the quiet clarity that emerges when the noise drops and the mind is free to speak for itself. Today I'm joined by Mike O'Neill, a voice of steadiness in a world that asks leaders to carry more than they should. He's someone who knows what happens when growth outruns clarity, who understands the quiet pressure leaders rarely name, and who has spent years helping people reclaim margin, confidence, and space to breathe. Mike is a guide who reminds us that leadership isn't about doing it all, It's about creating the conditions where you no longer have to. So with that, welcome, Mike, to my show, and thank you for joining me today.

Markus, I was looking forward to this conversation. Every conversation I've had with you, I've always— I hang up enlightened. So thank you for this invitation.

I appreciate that. And very much likewise. So before we begin, when I say stillness, I don't mean peace or quiet. I mean the place where, in you, untouched by pressure, by noise or performance, you know, the place that knows before the mind thinks. And that's the layer I'm inviting you to speak from.

today. Gotcha.

Beautiful. Wonderful. So let me start with you with my first question. So, Mike, where in your life do you meet the you untouched by expectations?

Restate the question. I'll make sure I heard you correctly.

Okay. You can even rephrase it. Where in your life can you be just you without interference of expectations by other people or circumstances?

Probably what comes immediately to mind is in the early morning hours before my business mind kicks in, where I have some quiet time. I know that that's different than what you're describing here, but I feel that that's probably the best representation of me. This is before sunrise, a new day, new opportunities. And for me, it's that preparation for the day. For me, it typically means getting ready for a morning run. And therefore, I'm just kind of present with what's going on. I'm paying attention to my environment. Is it cold? Is it hot? Yeah. Am I going to run on roads? Am I going to run on trail? But it's just— it's where I can just be comfortable to kind of ready for the day.

That's beautiful. Do you have like a special morning ritual that helps you to get into that frame?

When I get back from a run, that's when I will have breakfast and the like. But when I sit down to start my business day, my morning ritual is one in which I I draw from just some of my own affirmations, if that's the right term. I have words that I recite literally out loud to remind me of what my mission is, that remind me of what the mindset that I want to have. either continue or going into my day, and an expression that kind of conveys motion. So I literally abbreviate it: mission, mindset, and motion. And that's how I try to start my workday every weekday.

That's beautiful. What made you actually come up with even the need for an affirmation?

I've wrestled with the word. I don't know if affirmation is the right word, but I also know that mindset is so critical. And that is, in my work, I'm working with other leaders, and I have to be mindful of— I'm asking them to do things that take them out of their comfort zone, and therefore I need to be prepared to do the same. Mm-hmm. Like many, I'm prone to distraction. And so what I'm finding is when I start with reminding myself of a personal mission,

Mm-hmm.

when I continue on of what does that look like in terms of the mindset that I need to fulfill that mission, all of those have worked for me to kind of give me a great start to the day. And what prompted it is when I did not have that in place, I just didn't have that anchor to start my days. It just— I kind of looked at my to-do list and got to work.

It's so interesting. Probably like actually quite a few managers, right? Managers and leaders

Now, is the question like a lot of managers?

I would say it's actually more like a statement saying that probably most managers and leaders who listen to us do not have that kind of a morning ritual or a morning start. Like, if I wake up early morning, it's the best if I start planning my day right away because it will be so hectic. There will be so much. And you know what's interesting? I know the people you work with quite well, as you know. And I always wondered, what would you say to someone, Mike, who says, I'm so sorry, guys, I literally do not have time for this kind of mindset stuff. And isn't it a waste of time to actually start your morning like that? It's a fair enough question.

It's a fair question, and it's probably a question I've even posed to myself in the past. So I'm going to answer your question kind of from a practical standpoint. When I wake up and reach for my phone, that is a mistake because I'm already thinking about the day, not so much from a positive standpoint, but as, what do I got to get done today? And so what I've attempted to do is resist that temptation, use the time to get ready for a morning run or a workout. And I didn't mention this earlier, Markus, but for me personally, after such run, I come back, I work out of my home, and I have an office that's very— Quiet. And so I use that time to really do what is it we're talking about right now. So before I turn on my computer, I spend this time kind of reminding myself, who am I? What is it I hope to accomplish from a mission standpoint? What mindset do I need today? So it is purposely not tied to electronics. I literally have it written down.

That's very interesting. So you use handwriting?

Yes.

And then paper?

Yes. I mean, I have it. I'm holding it up right now. I actually put it in writing as a reminder. It's, it's, it's the first thing I do when I sit down to start my, my day.

It is something I figured from our conversations. You're quite the structured person.

Maybe too much so. Yes. But yes,

I think I told you that before. In my earlier years, I probably would have benefited from a little bit more structure. So with time, I have actually learned it myself. So what is so interesting, you mentioned something, and you know, I'm very much with words. You mentioned something before I do, like a to-do list, for example, is doing. And you focus on being first. Is it fair to say that being first lays the foundation for anything that comes as a doing after?

The answer is yes. And I have found myself of late— I don't handwrite that down. I have it set up such that My to-do list, it's pre-printed, if you would, so that it's always a constant. But to answer your question, I have found that though I like to start my day reviewing that, if I find myself not adhering to that, it's right there in front of me. And I'll come back and remind myself, these are the things that you have identified that are important. Uh-huh. Don't forget these things. So for me, putting it in writing helps reinforce it, but it's where it's located on my, quote, to-do list. It is next to a handful of things that I've already identified that need to be done today. And therefore, if you were to look at the to-do list, there's a lot more on the to-do list, but my focus is on Those missions, the mindset, the, the motion needed to accomplish these handful of things effectively today.

So let me probe that for a moment. When you say that you have those 3 pillars, do you basically look at your to-do lists and decide which ones are paramount in the end of the day to fulfill these 3 pillars? This is almost like a priority check for you.

The answer is yes, but, um, what I'm finding is my quote to-do list was way too long. And so what I'm finding is as things pop in my head that would normally go on the daily to-do list, I'll write it down. But I keep it separate from those things that are most important. So to answer your question, I hope I'm answering your question this way. If I start by reminding myself of the mission, and literally, I've got it reduced to 6 words, my mindset, 6 words. What are they? My motion is 6 words. I love alliteration. But if I start with that, then what those few things I've mentioned to you, I literally refer to those as my frog themes. What are those things that I need to do in fulfillment of eating that frog? Are you familiar with the concept? Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so if you were to look at my to-do list where I held up to the camera, my to-do for those few things don't say to-do, it says frog.

Interesting.

And if I do tackle those things first, after reminding myself how do I want to be while doing that, I have much greater likelihood that I will knock those things out And that sets one— sets in motion the things that enable me to get more of a sense of accomplishment, not because I checked it off the to-do list, but because I identified it upfront as very important. And I literally do check it off. For me, it's not check off. I usually use a yellow highlighter. I like the gratification of looking in that lower left-hand corner of that piece of paper. And see those things highlighted, it gives me a sense of, all right, this is what I set out to do, this is what I did. And what I didn't share with you, these are not just work-related things. These could also be personal things that are on there.

Interesting, interesting. That's amazing. So let me switch gears a little bit. So we talked about all that stuff that goes well. And as we know, most of the people who watch and listen to us, they have times when there is noise. So what I wanted to know from you, Mike, is when was a moment when the noise fell away and something in you knew exactly what was true? Like when you went through all that noise phase and you suddenly realized, gosh, the noise just fell away, and it was almost like a, a eureka moment, almost like an aha moment.

I hope this doesn't come across as a cop-out answer, but let me make a stab at it. For the bulk of my career, I was in senior HR leadership roles. I had people reporting to me.

I

was accountable for their outcome as well as my own. For the last 15 years, I have walked away from a corporate HR role, and I've had my own business. What I focused on were those things that I knew that organizations needed, namely leadership development. My whole business model was developing leaders.

Mm-hmm.

And the intent would be through training of first-line supervisors. What is the eureka moment for me is when those same, quote, training clients, these senior leaders, began asking me questions I realized, Mike, you're a coach. I never called myself a coach. But in reality, I came to the realization that that's what I've been doing my entire career. I have been coaching C-suite individuals on how good people processes can result in good business outcomes. And so what I would say, and I hope this doesn't sound contrived. But when I came to the realization that at my core, that's who I am, then I began to say, how can I do more of that? So the eureka moment was a request from, quote, a senior leader who was using our training, who was asking me, would I be willing to work in a coach capacity? And when I said yes, Though a little bit reluctantly, I found that not only was it using something that I was naturally capable of doing, I enjoyed doing it.

Wow.

And I came to the awareness that that one-on-one, the intimacy that results from that, was something that added depth to what I got the chance to do that I had not experienced before. So I don't know if it's a eureka, but I began describing myself, starting with how I see myself differently. I moved from, I am the founder of a leadership development company, to at my core, I'm a coach. And but I'm a coach that is probably much more practical than most. And so what I would say is now if I'm in a group, they know me first and foremost as a coach. Mm-hmm. Because— and all the other stuff is noise. So I don't know if that's answering your question, but the eureka is I'm realizing that's who I was all along. I didn't realize it until the last number of years. I went back and got the official credentials. So I can say I'm an executive coach. But here's the reality. The way I interact with my clients hasn't drastically changed.

Mm-hmm.

I'm there to help them identify things that they can't see themselves. And for me to do that, I have to be fully present in my interactions with them. So the discipline of preparing for a coaching session has served me to be a better A business owner, a better parent, a better grandparent, hopefully a better spouse.

Beautiful and deep. Thank you for sharing. Would you say that this is something that was in you innately before you even went into corporate, into HR, and started doing it unconsciously? And maybe those people who actually ask you about coaching helped you remember something, what and who you innately actually are.

I, at an early point in my career, realized that I was very, very fortunate to be given the opportunities that I was given. And I was experiencing things that my average peer was probably at least 10 years older. Mm-hmm. I just came to accept that that's how things are and kept on going. If I step back and ask the question, what is the common thread? It would be that of a facilitator. More importantly, kind of a strategic facilitator. What I found was, is that I was facilitating by leading a team. I was facilitating if I was leading a learning experience. So that would be leadership development. Makes sense.

Yeah.

And the, the aha for me is that if I do my job right in my coach role, I'm also facilitating, but the facilitation is different. I'm facilitating a conversation, whereas I'm trying to help my client get awareness. And therefore, I'm, I'm asking not questions for questions' sake. I'm not asking questions to try to show off how intelligent I am. I'm asking questions that when they stop and think, I'm realizing what I'm facilitating is awareness.

Mm-hmm.

And because that relationship has been built on trust, the amount of openness that I'm experiencing in these coaching conversations has proven to be a bit surprising. I've been surprised about how personal these conversations can get, even though I'm not talking about personal matters. We're focusing primarily on them as a leader. But what emerges are all these other things. Does that comment make sense or is it a little bit too rambling for you?

Absolutely. Absolutely. No, no, no, not at all. So let me add something to that. I'm really curious because you are basically describing the stage which I call stillness. And I experienced that with you in personal conversations as well as a guest on your show, that when you meet someone, I'm curious how you actually feel about it when you just hear the words. When you meet someone, something lowers in the other person. And I'm not sure whether I said that to you before, but you could literally be silent and you would speak. Is that fair to say?

It is. And this is a relatively kind of new awareness for me, Markus. Um, I know that my speaking style is somewhat measured. I know that I, I can have kind of a calming demeanor. Mm-hmm. What I've come to accept is that people quickly seem to let their guard down. And I can't put a finger on it, but I've grown to accept that it may be just how I carry myself. It may be the tone of voice. I don't know. But what I'm finding is people will say, Mike, you're calming. Now, that in and of itself is not the objective. But what I'm finding is that's not the same as stillness. But if a conversation starts with people feeling a little more relaxed,

Mm-hmm.

what I'm finding is what I thought would take a lot longer For some of the things to come out came much sooner.

Yes, yes, and yes, Mike. You see what's interesting? When people talk about soul, it's very nebulous. No one really knows what soul is. When somebody talks about intuition, some people can access it, you know, like Harshly, right? From time to time. But I'd like to give you maybe a try of an explanation for what's happening with you. What if you actually have found a way where coherence takes place in you, which is so within So with that, and what the real secret is, Mike, behind that is you have a field of frequency which everyone feels when they meet you. Some people get agitated because it stresses them to meet someone in coherence. Some people are mildly interested, too neutral. Then you meet the people you attract who say, Mike, I never shared this with anyone. Mike, I never looked at it this way. And you haven't said a word. But your field— and you know, I don't want to sound rah-rah or woo at all, because it's literally science what I'm talking about— your frequency Incoherence allows the other person to lower the guards, which means their chatter in their minds starts calming down. The heart coherence and the mind start going into action. And the most beautiful part, Mike, is suddenly the stillness, which is I believe our core programming as human beings, like when we're born, we know who we are. And then it takes several incidents from our environment, society, family, whatever, to make us forget who we initially were. And then basically our job is to remember again. So basically what you're doing is You're giving someone the greatest gift. You might not even have thought of it this way, but you give it the greatest gift to provide a room where all the chatter stays outside and they finally can hear that wee voice in them. You know, it's the same voice that says, Mike, is this as good as it gets? Or is there more to my life? So I literally believe that you will experience this more and more and more and probably even realize that that sideshow, I call it sideshow for a moment, is actually the cost of all the change that is occurring in your clients? Because, you know, I think it's fair to say that if somebody works with you compared to a normal coach, it's almost light years, to say it a little bit overexaggerated, in terms of the changes that occur. Is that fair?

It is.

So you facilitate not only, you know, if you look at it from outside, Not only a good learning environment, but I believe you're actually facilitating something, Mike, you have not been aware of so far. And if you pay attention to that a little bit more, you might actually see it right away in the next conversation you have with a client, that something lowers. It's almost like a guard that lowers. And that's when I believe you could literally be silent. Or the entire conversation. Just smile from time to time, nod a little bit, because what you're doing is you're actually, in positive sense, instigating that person's conversation with its inner voice. Because, you know, this is what I realize. You know, I'm— I call myself a reformed executive coach with hundreds of conversations I had in my career. Because why reform? Because I realized the one thing I really am facilitating, to use your language, is exactly provide that safe space. And once that safe space is established, we can then talk about leadership development, we can talk about team development, we can talk about critical conversations. But as long as that chatter is still going on, I always felt like I'm filling a bucket with a lot of holes, patching some of them up, but not really being efficient or effective. But when I brought stillness into play, and I realized, Markus, speak less and let stillness talk. By the way, you were one of the first person who I met who naturally does it as well. But this is worth, worth, uh, you know, looking into a little bit.

You're the one reason I'm interested in being on this, is I get a chance to interact with you more, learn more. You're introducing concepts that are new to me. And I've kind of fumbled through, but I've kind of come to realize I have some God-given gifts. We all do. And because I spent most of my career leading others, my whole sense of self-identity was that of a leader. Well, when you own your own business, And you don't have a large team, you're leading yourself. And I guess what I would throw out to you is it took me a while to kind of get my footing again there. And I may be undoing what you just said, but I'm going to make a stab at this. Sure. And that is, when I describe myself as a coach, I really do so a little bit reluctantly. I

understand that.

In large part because I don't view myself as, quote, having a model. I don't view myself as having the answers. But what I'm mindful of is that what starts an interaction more often than not is something kind of down to earth. Something's not working, and I'm good at helping them figure that out and move on. What I really want to be great at is as these issues get resolved, then they are afforded the opportunity— this is where I think you come in, in particular— they begin asking those bigger questions.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not changing just my business behavior. I want to change myself. And most of my coaching interactions start at a very fundamental level, helping them improve outcomes that result in things that can be measured. But when that same leader says, wow, it's working like it hasn't worked before, what's next? I don't know. That is not something that I profess to have, quote, expertise in. But I have come to accept that the way that gets there is people, you use a term that I'm not overly familiar with, but maybe because I spent so much time in HR and you see everything in HR.

Absolutely.

And you see these executives, the only difference between them and everybody else is they may have a more advanced degree and they may have another zero in in their— on their paycheck. But at the end of the day, they're people. And what I would say is there's not much that they can say to me that I haven't seen or heard. And so what I try to do in my interactions is in a nonjudgmental way, just accept who they are and help them identify who do they want to become.

Mm-hmm.

And in doing so, It's just very, very practical. So I don't have fancy labels for it. But what I am finding is that word stillness has become much more an integral part of my interactions. And that is, get comfortable in that stillness. Me.

It's beautiful. Yeah. And that's the first step, by the way. Yeah. Because right now it might seem almost like a sideshow. which you start becoming aware of. But with time, I can almost promise you, you will start seeing the actual impact your stillness has on people, which probably if you would watch videos of conversations years ago, you probably would have seen it already. But it's the beautiful part of first going into stillness yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Because if you think about, Mike, I consider stillness as the original design. We're born and then we go into noise to the point where mostly something quite tragic has to happen that this inner voice actually says, Markus, this can't be it. They must be. And then if you don't listen, as you know, my own story is I did not listen and to the point that I almost got paralyzed. So a doctor once said to me, if you continue, it will take a couple of months and you'll be in a wheelchair. He believed it was because of stress. It was because of fighting against my inner self, which is much worse than stress. Because I wasn't stressed at all. So yeah, I'm curious to continue our conversations anyway, because yeah, I believe stillness will be something that will accompany the two of us. So I have 2 more questions, Mike. What pulls you out of, let's say, the coherence you experience? Because I'm sure many people who listen to us, they say, Yeah, I see that. But, you know, I have so many times when I just pulled out of stillness or out of coherence. And I think it really helps people to realize they're not alone. Would you share just one example where you say, this still pulls me out of this stillness or coherence? And then What lets you return?

I don't know if this is going to directly answer your question, but let me make a stab at it. We talked earlier in the conversation about the to-do list, and if you were to look at the top half of my to-do list, it's very detailed. Okay, I, in the last week, was working through the to-do list. And I was gaining a sense of accomplishment because I was checking things off.

Mm-hmm.

But I found myself stopping and asking, am I checking the right things off, the right types of things off? And so I had a recent situation by which I had some recovery time. In this case, I had surgery last week, and I had to be literally laying prone for days on end. I'm very active, and I had to force myself to stop. So I used that time not necessarily to read or to listen to music or the like, but I did use that time to kind of sit in. You used the word stillness. I don't know if that's how I used it then, but I began asking myself the question, am I working on those right things? Not the to-do list, but am I focused on the right things for this season of life that I'm in? And I don't know if this is going to make sense, but I came to the realization that I was asking in one case, the wrong question. And that led to a long conversation with my wife.

Mm-hmm.

And we mutually agreed to look at something very differently than we were. So I guess what I would say, and I hope this is answering your question, and that is a forced convalescence, if that's the right word, gave me the chance to not think about the things I typically think about. But it afforded me a chance to ask the bigger, broader, in most cases, more important questions. And it gave me an opportunity— Interesting. —to pose some of those questions by which it was not just me, but we started a conversation. Quite frankly, we're continuing it. We're kind of saying, based on what we've learned thus far, How do we continue this exploration? And I know I'm being a little bit cryptic here, but what I would say is being forced to kind of slow down opened up my eyes to some things that I would probably not have picked up on the way that I actually did. And because I shared that with my wife, we began to, as a couple, Good boy. Ask the question, as a couple, what do we want to be next? What does that look like? What steps do we need to take now? And so if you look at my calendar this week versus last week, we put on our calendar some things that was not, but was purposely intended to kind of put in motion the things that we had discussed and the new awarenesses. Does that Does that make any sense?

That's beautiful. You've done something marvelous. You answered the question almost upside down, because what you're basically saying is it took that happening, your health, to actually come to the point that, no, not everything is okay as I thought it is. Had this stop not happened, you probably would have just continued. So you answered that life sent something which had to stop, literally halted you. And that made you even question whether everything is as hunky-dory as it's supposed to be, or it presents itself. I'm paraphrasing now to understand. And this actually led you not only to the answer, no, it's not so hunky-dory, but it led you to the questions, is there more? Right?

Yes.

So is this as good as it gets? Can't be. Or is there more? There better be. And that basically means your wife and you started following that What could that be? Is there more? Which is beautiful. Really beautiful. Well, I love that. Thank you for sharing.

Of course.

Thank you. So this leads me to my final question. And please take your time to answer this one. If someone listens and feels lost in the noise we mentioned, what is the one thing you'd want them to remember is still true?

If I understand your question, you made a reference a few minutes ago about how we are born and how we quickly unlearn those things. Um, and I think what I'm mindful of is that, um, you use the word stillness. I've got to do a lot more. We need more conversations to make sure I really understand it the way you, you mean that. But what I would say is you also use the word noise. And what I'm finding— and I don't know if I'm answering your question, but let me say it nonetheless— what I'm finding is for me to get to that point, I sometimes have to change the setting. For me, it's get outside. It's to get out in creation. And see it. And when I do, I'm reminded that I'm, you know, I'm, I'm part of, but I was created the way I am to be true to who I am. What's keeping me from doing that? And so for me, the way I get re-centered is I get outside. It would be different for different people. But for me, if I don't start my morning that way, and we're recording this in December, it's cold, it's wet, it's miserable. But when I get up and I'm on a run and I look up and I see the stars and I see over in the corner, my goodness, that's a fox in our neighborhood, or I see houses kind of start the families kind of waking up, is I have a vantage point and I'm the only one out there. And I just don't— I find that that quiet before is so critical to me that when I don't have it, it makes a horrible— it makes all the difference in the world if I can have it. And so I think your question is, what about others? They have to find their own way of achieving that. For me, it's be outside. For me, it's when I have that sense of calmness, I can use that in my meditative time. I'm Christian. I use that time for devotional. And it's not— it's a structured devotional, but it's intended to purposely kind of remind myself other things that we've been talking about.

Beautiful. I believe if someone just hears change of scene, and especially if someone is drowning and feels lost in noise, quite often when they withdraw, at least I did. And if somebody actually had told me, Markus, Just put on your shoes, just go outside and just breathe. I think that would have made all the difference. So with that, Mike, thank you so much for having me as my guest. It's been a huge pleasure and I very much look forward to our continuation of our, of our conversation.

Me too, Markus. Thank you.

Thank you so much. So this was Remembering the Forgotten, a conversation held in clarity and not performance. And if something in this exchange helped you see differently, carry that forward.