Episode 17 - Dr Monica Nagpal

Hello everyone and welcome to a new episode of We Rise Wellness Podcast. Today we have Dr. Monica Nagpal with us. She is a PhD and is the founder of Hope and Happiness and is often called as Doctor of Hope and Happiness. She is a certified meditation and mindfulness coach and also a parenting advisor. As a hopepreneur, she instills hope in people to never give up. She has coached more than 500 women and children and inspired them to lead a purposeful and happy life. As a Buddhism practitioner, she believes in creating the right cause and dignity of each life. She advocates value-based education methodology and integrates mindfulness and meditation and uses them as tools for bringing transformation in the individuals. She is also a poet. Through her poems and quotes, she is able to encourage, motivate, and inspire many of her friends and family on a daily basis. Her motto in life: Together we can heal the world with hope and happiness. And with that, we welcome Dr. Monica Nakpal to our new episode. Very warm welcome, Dr. Monica. So glad to have you today on the episode.

Thank you so much, Neetu. It was such a wonderful introduction. I'm so glad and so honored to be here on this platform. Thank you for the opportunity that you have given me so that I can address members here for instilling that hope which you're talking about. Yes. Thank you so much for having me.

We all know, you know, we all need that hope right now because I think post-pandemic, that is something that we are still trying to cling to, that hope that, you know, uh, good things—

Your voice is gone. Is it, uh, audible now?

Uh, can you hear me, Dr. Monica?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, so where was I? So, uh, my first question starts with you being a hopepreneur. What does it mean to be a hopepreneur, Dr. Monica? Please, uh, tell us about that.

Yeah, so this was very innovative, I thought, because we have entrepreneurs, and entrepreneurs, they, they identify a business which is, which has a need in the society, and then they go all out to bring that to a level. So as a Hopepreneur, I thought it is the hope is the need in the society, and when we talk about entrepreneur, they talk about skill development in that and we— they also talk about prophets. So I thought, why not have spiritual prophets? No, spirituality, that prophet in spirituality. So that is why I thought this is the need of the hour, and this is what people really need today. Every moment, every small child also needs that little hope that they will pass in the exam or they will not. So starting from there itself, no. So that is why I thought this is the best thing to be. Wow.

Yes, I think, yes, we all need that right now. So tell me, Dr. Monica, my next question would be, how can we cultivate a sense of hope and happiness in challenging times, and what strategies or practices can individuals incorporate into their daily lives to enhance the well-being?

So as you were talking about COVID so, uh, This is the— the Hope and Happiness, My Endeavour was actually born in COVID-20. So it was July and we had already come to some level lockdown after lockdown. And I was thinking that one thing which is evaporated from the society is actually hope and happiness. People were not having any hope when it will open. Happiness was not to be seen. So that is when this was born, actually. So how am I going to give hope and happiness to people around me was my question. Like, I was inside the house, I had just one, uh, which is called the technology, which was Zoom, right? We all use that. And I had no idea about all of this. Most of us didn't have any idea because we— I'm not a working woman for that matter, so I didn't have any idea of all of this. But then we started to learn. So I kindled that hope first inside myself, and whatever we did in COVID is what became a kind of a template which can be done in any exigencies which we face in our lives, in any challenging situations which we face in our life. So starting with taking care of our health, no, coming first is— was taking care in those times. First thing we understood was taking care of our health. Yeah, so in spite of not being going to be able to go out for physical exercise, we all use something to do that, to do some little exercise at least at home, because everybody was telling, yeah, we need to do some work, we have to move. We couldn't move, we had to have 2 rooms or 3 rooms to be inside, just one small balcony, but still we tried. So So first thing is to really engage in physical exercise when we are in difficult circumstances. And then another point which came was that we are disconnected. That time we were absolutely disconnected. So connecting with others is again very important thing which we really need to inculcate when we are in challenging times. So reach out, reach out to people around you. It is very, very important. And then it all came down to having gratitude. Okay, I am safe. No, at that time we were saying, okay, we are safe, at least we are safe. We heard about somebody and we said, oh my God, we are safe. So to have that gratitude, to practicing gratitude is a must. A simple practice of gratitude can really shift our focus towards the positive aspects of our life, and that builds the hope which we really want in ourselves, right? So then setting realistic goals. So we were living day on day. In those times, yeah, we were living day on day. So immediately after that also, we cannot be just going around full bloom. No, we know that we have to have some realistic goals in our life. That will not give you stress, because if your goals are not realistic, that gives you tension and stress because you are not able to accomplish those. So have always some realistic goals which you can do in your time. And then another important thing, which is, uh, which is that, uh, that time you were saying, no, there were so many news which was coming on the social media. Some news from here, from this part of the country, or this part of the world. We were hearing so many news. So important was to shut us from all of that. We didn't want to hear of all of that.

I remember in April I stopped watching news.

Absolutely stopped watching news.

It was such a big trigger. They were like, I mean, it was insanity at its Absolutely.

So that is what we have to do now also, limiting exposure to some negative information which is coming. So we are getting bombs of messages on WhatsApp, on your other social media. So how you will be able to have that hope then? Because suddenly you find that you are doing this and somebody else is doing something, and then you suddenly fail. Okay, I'm nowhere. So have limited exposure to anything which is around you in terms of social media. Another thing which happened in COVID was that we want to help our neighbors. Small, we were helping even the stray dogs, feed them. So helping others is most important. How can I help others? That should be my, uh, can you can say the cause to becoming hopeful.

And that is also the purpose of, you know, being a human being, you know. When I started reading about how helping is good for your own well-being is when I realized, you know, that you get a dose of oxytocin in your body the moment you help someone, and that's how you feel good about it. And there's science behind it.

Absolutely.

Helping others makes you feel better.

So do it.

It's just that we don't know about it, but I think our grandfathers knew about it.

Yeah, our people had all the knowledge. We always tried to help others.

I know my father has helped a lot. Lot of people. And I think that is why, you know, at the back of the mind, you know, when you have this thing that, okay, I have helped someone, it does give you that good chemical that you need in your body to keep going.

Absolutely, absolutely. Because the generation today believes everything scientific. They want logic in everything. So you are going to be giving the right logic. But yeah, it is your heart which is most important. So heart has to be a big enough to help people around. Animals around, even your plants, because the plants also are sentient beings. We can even help them starting just from your home, your, your domestic help which comes. You will go all out and give charity here and there and not bother about them. So start from there. Yeah.

So tell me, Dr. Monica, what are some common barriers that individuals face when trying to embrace hope and happiness. You mentor so many people. What are the challenges do you think they are, you know, finding in embracing hope?

Yeah, very nice question actually, because, uh, we know that we need to be hopeful, we need to be happy, but we are not able to be happy. We are not able to— suddenly we become so hopeless that we don't want to work around any of the things which is happening. So what is that which is holding us back.

What is the barrier?

Yeah, what is the barrier? Yeah, so some very important thing which holds us back is our negative thinking patterns. Because what is this negative bias that we have? No, it all goes down to again the caveman, because the caveman had to go all out to feed, and there was always a doubt: will I get the prey today or not? Uh, will I be killed Or will I be able to kill somebody to get my food, right? So that was there for a very, very long time. So our mind itself has that kind of a negative bias.

Imprinted in our DNA.

Yes, yes. So first thing which we think about anything is, "Ye hoga ki nahi hoga?" Negative. Will it happen or will it not happen? The first thing is that only. We are not very sure of anything which we want to do. 'Will I be able to do this or will I not be able to do this?' So this is the negative thinking pattern, which is the first barrier which really stops us from being hopeful and being happy.

How does he overcome that?

Yes, so that we will come— we will come to the solutions later. We will first discuss all the points which are the barriers, right? So we will come to the solutions in a while. Sure. Yeah.

So I'm just trying to jump over there because I want the audience to know.

I know, I know, I know. So let them be there to the last. Otherwise they just leave in between. So let the audience come to the last point. So the second most important thing is to understand that we have some past traumas, past experiences, because something didn't work out before, so I think it will not work out again now. I went to this friend and that friend didn't treat me well, so I will not go again because probably I'll be treated the same way again. I suppose, yeah, you— it is a past experience. You, your father probably scolded you and you remember, in my childhood my father had told me all of this, and then you again, you are reluctant to talk to your father freely. You have not created a kind of a bond with your father or your parent, any of the parents. Or any friends. So these are something which are your past experience. But when we talk about mindfulness, meaning that you start the day today. Today is a fresh day. Why go in the past, right? So that is what we have to understand. The third thing which is very, very important to understand is that one, again, obstacle, you can say, to hope and happiness is your fear of rejection or failure. So how can I be hopeful when I have a fear of failure? Oh, I always tend to think that I am not worth it, I may not be able to do this properly. So that is why I have a fear of failure. Or I have a fear of rejection, that if I will be able to— I'm talking to this person, will this person really respect my opinions or anything? So I don't want to talk. I am not hopeful of my worth. So I don't do that. Very important fourth point is, Neetu, that we are under social pressure, that comparison, and social media is a trigger for that. Absolutely. The pictures which are floated on the Instagram, on the Facebook, especially for those vulnerable age children, they are so much in comparison with all of what is happening to their peers and not happening to them. That is a trigger point for them to become hopeless. So they lose all hope. They don't trust their parents, that their parents can do so much for them. They don't feel self-worth, and that is how they go on— they take sometimes very extreme steps. So that is what— so these are about 4 points which we can really understand, which are the real obstacles, uh, in our having hope and happiness. So point number 1 is that caveman, uh, you know, default system, negative biases, your negative biases. Then second point is that you are not able to overcome your past experiences. Third is that you are under pressure of failure, you are feeling so much fear of failure, and then you compare yourself with your peer group, with your people around you. So these are the 4 points which really, really are creating that barrier or the obstacle which you are not being happy, like they're stopping you from being happy.

So what is that magic wand which will, you know, swoosh away this whole thing? How do we overcome these problems, Monica?

Yeah, yeah. So again, coming back to the solutions now. So how do you overcome all of this from that fear of failure, or that comparison, or those past experiences— what will happen if you are not able to overcome all of this? So very short, short thing which we are now able to— I'm giving a kind of a formula here. No, it is kind of a formula which I will be able to give you so that you can remember like a formula. These are the 4 Rs which we have to remember, right? So first, we recognize the negative thought patterns. So that is the first R— you recognize. So you recognize that every time this situation happens, this is my real— this is the thought which comes to me, that no, I— you start with a no. Have you seen sometimes, like I was the other day, I was talking to my maid also like that, then whenever I ask her something, she said no, Amma. Like even if she has to say yes, she will start—

that's the system of our brain.

Yeah, so if you will see around now, especially people and you yourself, that when you want to do something, you start with a no. So the negative thought pattern is so embedded inside us that we are not able to overcome that. So first we have to recognize, so become very conscious, and as soon as you hear that no, you say no to yourself. No to no. Yes, you have to say that no to— give that recognition that yes, I have this thought. Just to recognize itself becomes— it can just go away if you just recognize that negative thought. And once you have recognized, now you have to rethink. You have to rethink again. So that means you challenge that negative thought. Okay, you challenge the validity. Is it okay to have this kind of a thought? Is it valid really, or I can have something else? Like, is there a different alternate to this thought or not, right? For example, your children want to go out and suddenly it is raining, and you say, no, we cannot go out, we can meet with an accident, we will get drenched, we will get sick, we will not go out. You are not even thinking of there is an alternative. You can have an umbrella, you can take some raincoat, or you can go for some time and come back. Jaldi You are not even thinking of an alternative. You just say no. No means no.

It reminds me of this thing, you know, I have a habit of walking 10,000 steps every day without fail, and I've been doing it for last 2 years. So, and I go out in rains also. So even if it is dropping dead, you know, cats and dogs, and even if it is like thaa hai, you know, water clogging, I still take my umbrella, I take my, you know, uh I wear shorts and I wear, you know, waterproof shoes and I go for a walk. And every— everyone who look at me and they'll start laughing that, what are you doing? You're walking in rains. It's okay, it's rain for you. I'm enjoying the rain also, why not? And people cannot think beyond that barrier that it's raining.

Absolutely.

It's okay to not go out for your walk, but I do that. And finally people have started saying that 'Okay, you have a routine,' and they get it now. Yes, you know, telling me that, uh, okay, you have— it's weird to go out in rain to walk, right? They have accepted me the way I am, so why not? I just wanted to share that story.

Wonderful, wonderful sharing, wonderful sharing, Neetu. So it is important to understand that we have to rethink on that point. So once you start to rethink, that is the second R. The third R is that you reframe. So now since you have recognized and you have rethought it, then you reframe the whole thing. So you replace the negative thought with a positive one or a neutral one probably, and you think that, okay, now there is a silver lining. No, a small silver lining just peeps up and you know that I can overcome this challenge with a new thought, with a reframing of my negative pattern. So once you have reframed it, the fourth R comes in. Which is that you are able to reinforce that in you. So you reinforce that, yes, I can do it. I will be able to come out of this negative thought. So now you have reinforcing. And how do you reinforce? By repeating it. It is not a one-time process that you have done it and it is done. No, you will have to repeat and repeat and repeat. The whole process of 4 Rs has to be repeated, repeated, repeated. Every time you have a negative thought, you again rethink, you again reframe it, and then you again reinforce it. And this you have to keep on repeating. So with this 4 Rs, you will be able to change your mindset from a negative one to a positive one, and you will be able to become very, very hopeful and very, very happy.

I'm sure you have covered the core of psychology, neuroscience, and cognitive behavior therapy. And believe me, I have done certifications in CBT Oh my God. And hypnotherapy also. What you covered right now is what I understand is the core of therapy. And if people can get it from this episode, believe me, you're sorted.

Oh my God.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for that, Neetu. This is what I actually profess in all my programs to really change the negative pattern of your living. So these 4 Rs are the simple thing which people really understand. I really go by acronyms. A lot of acronyms I use in my programs. It is easier for people to really understand all of this. Yeah, yes.

I think, you know, we are too hard on ourselves as human beings, you know. It seems we expect too much from it, and we have stopped loving ourselves since childhood. Maybe somebody said that you are not good enough, and we, you know, there's no self-compassion. We, we don't embrace our imperfections. So I mean, anything that you would like to tell us about how we can embrace our imperfections, how we can start self-love? Because I think the whole process of the 4R also starts with the moment we realize that we need to change.

Yes.

And we need to, you know, accept ourselves the way we are, and then the process of, you know, the whole reframing and repetition comes. But the first is accepting that we are what we are. How do we do that?

So embracing yourself as we are is the first step to embrace the other person, because we tend to have that kind of a discrimination between people and myself. And what I see in other is what I have in myself. So the first thing that I see imperfect in the other person is which I have already, but I don't accept that. And that is why I tend to see every time when I see the other person, the same thing over and over in different people. I see the same thing because I am not able to first mend my thought process about myself. So I over and over have the people around me, and that gives me a lot of stress, and I feel that I'm always surrounded by negative people, I'm always surrounded by such But where are you? First think what you are inside. No, first we have to think about our own selves. So embracing yourself first is when we start to compare ourselves with the people around us. Okay, even with your parents, like even parents to the children, parents giving this seed in the child that you are me. As soon as the child is born, oh, looking like the mother or looking like the father, no, you start to compare and you then expect the child to be like that. And then as the child is growing up, the parents are saying, you have your father's genes, that is why you are not behaving like this. If you would have had my genes, you would not be behaving like this. Father is saying the opposite and you start to compare, compare, compare. Every child, every human being is different. They have their own personality, they have their uniqueness. Everybody is unique in themselves. That is why we have to respect each person as they are, embrace that person as they are, and we have to start this with ourselves. So first thing we have to do is let go of your perfectionism.

Yes, only if we could do that so easily.

I was, I really was one of them, actually. I must tell you this, I must confess this. I was really, I was really one person who will not move from here to here. So much of certainty, what is going to happen next morning, I need to have a plan for that. Everything was so planned. And what changed it? The great COVID-19. Because the uncertainty which COVID-19 brought to our lives, it gave me a jolt. It taught me the greatest lesson that it is in uncertain times that we really grow. It is not the certainty which is helping me to improve or grow as a human being. But it is only in uncertain times that I will be able to evolve as a better person. So that is what COVID taught me, and I can tell you now today that I am least bothered of what is going to happen the next moment because I enjoy this moment. So I took up all those mindfulness teachings, and I really profess that on mindfulness now. We have to be present in this moment. So imperfection— imperfection is what? It is nothing. Perfection is when, when I am able to embrace myself with my own imperfections.

Yeah, totally.

That is the perfect thing, right? So that is what we have to understand. I will share a very small thing with all of you which I really discovered 2 months back, that how we judge Because when we are judging, only we are judging ourselves, right? So I had this habit— okay, we become so good, no, that I'm not judging anybody with their caste, creed, and all that. Badi badi baate karte hain, we embrace everybody. And so I was thinking that even I have evolved that much that I don't judge anybody. Okay, I had this habit of removing all the brown leaves from the plants. Like the dry leaves from the plants. We all do that. Most of us do that, I say, because the gardener comes and he also does that only. He will remove all the dry leaves and he keeps the green ones there. So one day when I was sitting down, just like for a mindfulness person, we just look around the nature without even judging anything. You just look here and there. That is one mindful practice which we all can do. When I was just looking around the plants and I was thinking, why do we remove these dry leaves? Because we think that only green is beautiful and this brown leaves, the dry leaves are not adding to the beauty but it is making it ugly. So we want to remove those. And then there is a coconut tree which is a big tree in my garden. It had one leaf which was getting brown and it was drying up. So I couldn't go up and break that, no, I couldn't pull out that. It was happening at its own. So what gave me the right? Who gave me the right to pluck those plants' leaves which are small? I had no right. When the nature is doing everything in the forest, the dry leaves automatically fall. Nobody is plucking them there. Who gave me the right to pluck out those brown leaves?

It has its life, you know, of its own.

Own. I stopped it, and after one month, they were there. They had not shed. So I was taking away the life prematurely. So that was a big, big jolt from you. And on, on a public platform, I'm telling this for the first time. I've shared this with so many of friends of mine, and this is a revelation that how are we judging even the plants.

Yes, we are not that mindful, Monica. I think, uh, going so deep and, uh, thinking about even plants, I think only a, you know, mindfulness practitioner can do that, someone like you. But clearly, I mean, we are not thinking, what we are doing.

Uh, absolutely. Yeah, that is where we have to start beginning to not judge, not differentiate, accept the way people are. We have to go to that level, to that extent, I felt. Yeah. Wow, superb!

Thank you so much, Dr. Monica, for sharing your lovely insights and wisdom. I think this was really helpful, and the audience, uh, would really take away a lot from this episode. Especially the 4 Rs, they are really important. And if somebody can get it, believe me, life changes, because mine has changed the moment I started, you know, doing these 4 Rs. I have this in a different format. I call it a 5-step guide for stress elimination, but this is basically the core of Organic Therapies and Counseling, and that is really helpful. I'm so glad you shared about that. And with that, I think we'll bring this to a close and Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Dr. Monica, for coming today and sparing the time and talking to our audience. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Neetu. It was such a wonderful meeting you here, and I was able to give my heart out. And I'm sure people who are listening, if they can just be a little mindful of their people around them, of the environment around them, we will be living in a very hopeful and happy world. Yes, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so