Episode 22 Monalisa Kar

Hello everyone and welcome to a new episode of Veerai's Wellness Podcast. Today we have Monalisa Kaur with us. She is the founder of Learning Spark and Katha Shastra. She is an emotional intelligence and transformational consultant, happiness, relationship, and parenting coach. She is also a columnist Speaker and storyteller. Monalisa is an IIM Lucknow alumni with 26+ years of experience in various MNCs across industries. She is a woman of substance who has seen various ups and downs in life and came out strong and determined. She is working towards building a tribe of 1 lakh women equipped with emotional intelligence mastery and transformations, thriving in who they are and what they become. This is so inspiring, Mona Lisa, and welcome to the Veeraj Wellness Podcast today. We are so happy to have you here.

It's my pleasure, and I'm honored to be here, Neetu. It's very kind of you to think of me, so I'm really, really happy.

Of course, Mona Lisa, I've been after you for such a long time, and finally we get to do this. Great. So, Mona Lisa, I mean, so many feathers, uh, you know, you are right now donning on your hat. I would really love to know which is the one that is closest to you right now.

Well, the closest feather that I have is, uh, the lover that I am for myself, uh, and, uh, I believe, um, generally as a parent I think the closest is always your children, your family. But I think below, below all that, that we want, if we don't give ourselves that love, and don't become the lover that we want in another, then I think that relationship cannot exist. So I love myself. And I'm a big fan of myself. Yeah, so I think the Feather that I hold the dearest and which gives me the drive, the dedication, the commitment, the push to be a hustler is the lover, Mona Lisa.

Great, superb. And we would really love to know about the lover today. So Mona Lisa, from being, you know, an IIM alumni, right, to being a coach now, there must have been some transformation journey that you must have gone through. Please tell us that story. What has been that breakthrough moment for you when you thought that, okay, this is it, now this is what I want to do? And how did you change careers? We would love to know that.

Okay, so, Neetu, if you allow me, can I say two big ones in my life? Yeah, absolutely. So I think, um, when I was in college, I'd got through, um, my PhD. I was supposed to do my PhD in genetics. But then, you know, life happened. And then I got married. And it immediately changed the entire trajectory of my life. And what led to when we shifted to Bombay, stayed there, what led in the 2 years there in Bombay was a total transformation of who I was, what I became. So I think that that was a major milestone in my life, where from being a person who is, of course, bubbly and happy, achiever— we are from the Army background, so we believe in trying out everything. If you fall down, then get up, let's try again. So all that we were doing it already, but the kind of confidence that I had on myself went into the next level when I lived in Mumbai. The life of Bombay taught me a lot of things, which I don't think any textbook or any coach could have taught me. So that was a major shift in my life. I started looking at a lot of things with a lot of depth. Because previous to that, I was a happy-go-lucky, yes, I can do this, I will have this. I had it all. So from there to actually flying on a high razor and then coming back and landing on ground zero was a game changer for me.

So that made you grounded.

It made me grounded. I was grounded, but grounded in the sense in touch with reality. We from the Army also are in touch of reality because we have a dad's In fact, when I was getting married in the last century, I say I got married in '99. So it was definitely last century. Yeah, makes me feel that, yeah, that's a lot of wisdom I have. So when, when that happened, we were still very, very in touch with reality because the Forge teaches you to be living in the moment. But when you go out and live in the world, which is a different dynamics altogether, then you're also married, you have a responsibility. People look up to you, they expect so many things from you. And then you're dancing, you know, expectation. It's like a play of the xylophone, because every note that you hit, the next note has to come quickly. Right. So that was an amazing journey for me, which changed a lot in me. So I actually came to know what is living life in the real world. Then came a big journey when I had to walk out of my marriage. And I had two kids, my son was two and a half years— not years, two and a half months. Old. And I was literally out sitting on the pavement of the road in January, Tori Chanti, and having around less than ₹6,000 in my bank account with two of my kids, my daughter and my son. And I was literally sitting there and feeding my baby. And I was thinking, okay, now what? And from there, when I had to stay in the police station, because I was— I said no, if I cannot fight coming from a very well-to-do, very, very aristocratic family, if I can't take the step to protect me and my kids, then nobody can. So I stayed in the— I stayed in the police station till the time the FI was Jotted till the time the arrest was made. Then only with my kids I came back. So my mom actually was very kind. I would have gone back again there, but she said no, the kids don't have to face all that. They've already gone through a lot. So I went to my mom's place. And after that, the entire media was covering the whole issue. It was a very, very difficult one year. And that one year, the kind of change that I saw in myself, I became rock solid. Like normally a lot of people call iron-clad women. So the Wonder Woman was something that I felt I have become. So I had to stand up for myself. I had to go and visit for different FRIs, the kind of interviews that I had to go and face, the kind of— because when you're lodging a complaint, you have to go yourself as well. A lot of people came and pressurized me because we belong to a very, um, known family. And, um, then how my journey came— when I was sitting there alone, I took a decision that nobody from my family is going to be harassed because of all this, because it's still a taboo, right? Women walking out. Um, so it is not getting the sympathy but you become the black sheep. So that journey actually made me very, very strong. So now, a tsunami comes, I'm ready. I'm thankful and grateful.

You have seen the lowest of low, Mona Lisa, what else can break you? Nothing can.

Yeah, that was— I think every woman, every man, every child, every human being should first look into yourself as to what is it that you want, who is it that you want to become. And that is what I am standing up for, not only myself but the whole tribe. Because Bharatiya women are worshiped because they are alpha women. They have the power to do a lot. Mothers are worshiped Parents are looked into, elders are worshipped. So we, we have the whole nature, the Mother Nature, we call it Bharat Ma. So when we are looking at the power that the feminine has, along with the masculine, it's a fine balance that we need to find. And this is what I am standing up right now to make a revolution to make a— this is my mission to actually change the world. Because if I can do it, Everybody can. Of course, I'll be there to help you.

Yeah, that's very inspiring, Monalisa. That's very inspiring. You know, I mean, I think you said that 26 years of experience you have had. And when did you think that you want to start coaching?

I think I was a tomboy and a coach and a dada. You know, Don. People even now call me Fauji Don. In fact, I'm going to start a podcast with that name. I've been very honest from the very beginning. And I've been always helping people. So earlier, it used to be academic, or maybe if somebody has something, so that was always there. But officially in 2020— 2015, we started the coaching journey, where, as it came towards 2020, it became very, very essential with the pandemic. So I shifted from balancing a corporate along with my coaching and training to doing it solely full-time. So that was a transition. And I mean, of course, we were doing a lot of work during those years. But the seriousness of the coaching industry, which took the whole time, starting from 2020 onwards. So for the whole year, we had our doors open, anybody who wanted to speak, anybody who wanted to reach out to people, we had telephonic calls, we had internet face-to-face Zoom calls, Google Meets, even video calls. So Yeah, that was a time that I decided, no, we need to be serious about coaching and getting emotional mastery in every house. So one of the reasons that I'm actually wanting to work with women, and I'm working with women, is because one woman can actually make the whole community change. Yes, to reach a lot of people. You reach one woman, she will take care of the lot of people. So that is, that is what I believe, right?

I think COVID has actually brought in on the surface whatever has been, you know, embedded deep inside us, our grievances, our, you know, pain points, everything. It got brought to the surface after COVID, and we have experienced emotions in a way that we never did earlier. And people have, you know, felt it. I have felt it. And there was a time that, you know, it needed to be addressed, and you just cannot, you know, I mean, brush it under the carpet anymore. That was the thing that people have faced. I have completely been there, and I understand how, you know, you know, emotionally resilient people needed to be at that time, and they broke. And it was okay, I think, because people who broke and then again, you know, uh, build them themselves again, I think they have become very, very strong now. I can speak for myself at least.

I totally agree with you. Absolutely.

Yeah. So, more or less, tell us about, you know, any of the coaching stories where, you know, somebody has felt that impact and you were able to help them just the way you needed help when you were in need? And you know, that made you feel that, okay, now I know that I have made a difference.

Absolutely. Oh, there are a lot of stories. But I think one of my most favorite one would be because I started with anger. Anger on the world, anger on the people, anger on the situation, anger on Everybody, even God and nature and everybody. So when I went to my mentors, Antonia Harini, and I started working on myself, the first and the major breakthrough that I had was change and shift of my anger. So I became the anger mascot as well. A lot of people got With the videos and all, a lot of people got inspired and they joined Anta Nuharini. They joined the whole way in which we can do that. And my anger was so big that I was not able to communicate with my daughter. So my son was very small, he didn't see the messiness, the dirty side of what we went through. Right? For a better word, it's not dirty, it's learning, of course. But I'm just saying it was really, really tough. So my daughter saw it. And when we were going through, because I started working, we had to work, I didn't want to be a burden and all, everybody, every home story, I guess. So that time what we went through is the communication was totally cut off. So I was screaming, she was screaming, we were not able to connect, even though we loved each other. So that was again aggravating my anger, and that was also showcasing in my kids and people surrounding us. So when, some time ago, I have touched around 15,000+ lives now in the 5 and a half years. But one of the first ones that I did was with a very, very good friend now. I'm not saying his name. But he had come and he was very angry. Means if you stood near him, you could feel the heat of his body. He used to be so angry. Like when you stand in front of, you know, near a person who has fever, high fever, you can feel the heat radiating. So he used to be that person who was so, so angry. And then when we worked on him, It took us 2 hours or so. And after that, he was like such a cool person. He forgot that he was ever angry. And the funny part was, of course, when we are working in a tribe and we're working in a community, everybody knows that you'll change instantly. You know, that small little shift and it's a whole change. It's rippling effect which happens fast.

Yeah.

The mind works very, very fast. And then when he went home after that 5-day program, what happened was everybody was shocked and surprised. And he was like, I've always been like this. What is wrong with you? So he went on saying, you don't remember, I was never angry like this. And they couldn't believe that such a transformation has happened in just 5 days.

Yeah, if you are in the right company, I think, Monalisa, transformation can be immense. Because I have also had coaches, mentors for myself, and I could feel that, you know, because of their presence in my life, I could get that breakthrough. I could change and transform myself. I wouldn't say that I transformed myself, of course, you know, obviously there was a divine intervention, and because I met those people I read those things and stuff. It has been written by others previously. But I think having the right set of people around you really, really helps.

Right? Absolutely. I agree. And the best part that I would say is, when you change, when you go back to the same environment, then what happens is people either retaliate, your new change, or they are very shocked and they distance themselves. So when you do a transformation, you need to have an ecosystem to support you to be with it for a period of time. Yeah, so that it sets in, becomes your habit, it becomes who you are, you own it. So it takes some time, but then that's why tribes are very important.

It's very important, I believe so.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I have like a nutrition and fitness coach, and I make sure that every day I have to send her my reports of how much step I have walked, my plank timing, the food I ate, my water intake, everything, my workout, everything. And we are like a tribe over there. We have 4 people in that group, and I, uh, you know So connect with them. And there is no one else in my near vicinity with whom I can speak those things that I can do there and be comfortable.

Oh, beautiful.

Otherwise, if I talk about these things to anyone else who don't understand, they would, you know, label me insane.

What are you doing?

You are tracking yourself so hard. I mean, take a break. And I get to hear it all the time, but I know that they are not a part of the community and they will not understand, you know. And they are still in that same trajectory they were 2 years back. I have moved on, I have become physically stronger, more leaner, um, and you know, I have developed muscles in the last 2 years, not on, on just my body but on my brain also. I have become more resilient and they're still there.

Beautiful.

So that's, that's not the tribe I want to be with. I could transform because I found those right people with whom I can connect with, I can share my stuff, and we basically check on each other.

Correct. Beautiful. So a very important point you shared there, uh, so nicely and so easily. That's fantastic. And I think that comes from your extended knowledge as a accountant because you're so able to put them in silos and then connect it.

I think it's in our DNA now that, you know, being an accountant for almost 20 years now, although I don't do accounting, but yes, finance is there in the blood.

That's beautiful. Actually, if I may, I would love to add something there when you're talking about the tribe, right? So one disclaimer I'll give: nobody needs a coach or a tribe. We are wired in a way that we evolve automatically. Why do we need a tribe or a coach is if you want to do it at speed. When you want something and it has to be at a speed, then you need an intervention. Right, and there is where the coach or a mentor comes in, and there is where to support the ecosystem comes in. So if you have that need that, okay, I want to do something that I can do for myself, self, do it yourself, uh, in 10 years. So now with the technology, you may do it in 5 years. Right. But if you really want to actually live your life to the fullest, and have everything faster, then you need a mentor or a coach to guide you through the path. Facilitate.

I have experienced it. Yeah. Wonderful.

It works wonders. And the tribe that you build around, as you start working, you'll attract those people. They're just going to fall on your lap. We say in Hindi, chappar paad ke milte hain. They fall on your lap. And that's how it becomes effortless.

That's the abundance mindset.

That's true.

Great. Superb. So Mohnalisa, tell us about this new venture of yours, Katha Shastra. What is this about?

Oh, wonderful. I love it that you asked the question. Thank you so much for that. This is my new baby. That I'm in love with. And Katha Shastra— I actually am heading towards 50. Very soon, I'm going to be 50. And I was thinking, what is it that I have achieved in contributing back to the society? So after doing a lot of brainstorming, talking with my coaches, my daughter and my son, they are my coaches too. So we sit down and brainstorm crazy. And then I understood that there is something which is called as legacy. And legacy is not that my name will stay on. Legacy is not only that the fame will come, the influence will be there, the impact will be there. I'll be somebody, some people are going to be there when I go. Yes, it may mean all of that. Also. But the main point of a legacy is that whatever is a gift that is received by you as a wisdom, you transfer the gift. So I had the beautiful luxury of going to Vipassana this year beginning in January. And on the fourth day, when I finally, after a long time, was able to forgive and let go. Not only the people, the situations. I've been trying to do that for the past 16 years. And finally it happened like a floodgate coming out. And then after that I had a vision. And that vision was like Buddha means the enlightened being. And there have been a lot of enlightened beings throughout the ages. And whenever the wisdom is lost, there is an enlightened being who restores it back, finds it back, and gives it back to the society. Yeah, for humankind.

I understand what you're saying.

Beautiful. And even now that I say, I have goosebumps throughout my body, because what I had, have the kind of blessings that I've had, the kind of exposure that I've had, which is global, and the kind of people that I have trans— you know, transferred conversation, like beautiful Neetu is here in front of me. The kind of conversations that I've had has given me a lot of wisdom. And that wisdom, what has happened is I've, through the 45 years of me meeting a lot of people doing this, I've come to know that the beautiful way is through stories. The wisdom was given. So as it is, being an emotional intelligence expert, I work in the realms of behavioral science and neurosciences. And then as I keep doing work, I find that Vedic science ha— already had this answer. So I went back to studying everything in Vedic sciences and found that Through stories, we were so easily able to say so many things. Yeah. So just quickly, 30 seconds, if I have to say what do I do with Katha Shastra. When we had rowdy prince who was super intelligent, everybody who came to teach them the ways of being rulers, the way of being the kings, the way of protecting the kingdom, they were able to make them go away. So they were really, really intelligent. So how did they become the beautiful kings who run a kingdom which was so prosperous? Was through only 50+ stories of Panchatantra said by a Pandit, Pandit Sharma, who said stories and changed the entire trajectory. The kind of wisdom which was given through stories, simple stories, like a tortoise and the hare race, simple stories, but they became able persons who ruled the kingdom and made it go, made it prosper. So when we can do that with the simplest form that we are so hooked up with, from the womb onwards till the time you go to the womb of the Divine. So that is the journey with stories, and Katha Shastra is unlocking and unleashing the story which is inside yourself, narration, and the expression that you do outside. So that is what we are doing. We are building the ancient wisdom through stories and learning the art and science of storytelling. Why? To evoke values, to evoke emotions, to have connections, to be able to communicate properly and make profound connections in life. Togetherness is what we need. In COVID, the togetherness was too much. Yeah, we wanted to run away. But because we could not, because of the lockdown, it became aggravated. So now it's a big journey that we have shifted into learning a lot of things which are beautiful now, thanks to COVID, in a way.

In a way, yes. Yeah, I find it— I mean, very— and people may not like me saying that, but I think it was a blessing in disguise for me.

Oh, like me, I totally agree with you. I totally agree with you.

Yeah, so it taught me that every experience that you're having, it has a, it has a reason for you, for it to happen to you. It's a part of the process, and you are being churned in that process. If you don't enjoy it, I mean, uh, it, it is something, it will not teach you anything out of it. So start learning out of that process, that why it is happening to me, how it is making me better. How it is making me shine in the process. So I think this whole thing of last 2 years was completely transformative— not 2, 3 years now almost— but I think we needed that to get that jolt and not let life take over us. Instead, us get a control over life. So I can keep going on and on about this, that how COVID has made my life better, but yes. Yes, I can do it. So, Mona Lisa, after, you know, you are going to turn 50 soon, and that is 50 years young, of course. Yes. What is the biggest insight you think you have had in your lifetime that you think that you need to share with the audience today?

Oh, wonderful. That is something that I've worked for almost 50 years now. I think I'll say it in the shortest way possible. It is be beautiful.