S5:E22 - Love Notes to the Lonely, Uncertain, or Scared with Rebecca Undem

You are listening to the Growing Small Towns Show, a podcast dedicated to supporting you, the person who really cares about the future of your small town. We believe when people get better, everything gets better, and our episodes offer the ideas and actions that prioritize people and small communities. Thank you for listening. We're so glad you're here. Well, hey friends, uh, happy Monday. Uh, I'm coming at you with some general observations along with some serious love notes to every single one of you that is out in your community, uh, doing your thing. Perhaps running a business of your own, trying to figure out how to make an impact that feels meaningful and maybe significant in some way, probably most importantly feels true and honest for you. We'll return next week with this kind of our standard format, which is always bringing on very cool people doing very cool things. I'm not necessarily saying I'm one of those people, but I'm out here doing my level best. And I think the reason that I sometimes feel compelled to do a solo cast is the truth is things get heavy for me over here, up here, down here, depending on where I am in proximity to you. And I think sometimes just the act of encouragement, uh, actually hopping on here and just talking to you as if you were a friend of mine. Um, and also like these, these lessons are coming to me because, uh, I needed to get— have them myself. And that's— I usually feel this compulsion like, okay, clearly I need this message, I need these reminders, and I bet I'm not alone. So with that, I wanna just share, these are some love notes and I'm gonna say from 2025 thus far, 'cause it's insane to me that we're in the last quarter of the year. This year, I don't, this has been a bizarre year. It continues to be, maybe not even just bizarre, that's not even enough. It has felt scary. It has felt uncertain and doubt, you know, just like doubtful. Like I've been filled with doubt at different times this year. And through, uh, the help and support of a really good therapist, really good family and, and friends and, um, just living, I think I've kind of come upon these, this handful of things and I, I hope they've been helpful to me to reconnect with and kind of ground back into as, as I prepare for 2026, right? Like we're, I'm in budgeting, I'm sure for my business and kind of for my life. I'm sure a lot of you are feeling that same way. So I hope that these give you a little boost. If nothing else, just feel like I'm virtually putting my arm around you and giving you a squeeze and saying like, it's okay, it's okay. And if you're feeling this way, you're absolutely not alone. So the first thing I want to share is, um, this idea of recognizing that your energy is actually a scarce resource. I think sometimes as a giver or a public sector human, where we have this, you know, we have this compulsion to help, to support, to get involved, to advocate, to do things like that, we sometimes forget that there's an actual end to our energy and it, it will not end, I shouldn't say, but that it's limited in, in its, in its resource. And we need to be actively thinking about, you know, what brings us joy and what brings us, actually fills us back up. And I think I, what I've really recognized this year is, um, that I show up really differently when I'm working on things or advocating for things or getting behind things or involved even in things my best energy is given to those things when there's just good alignment for me. I'm gonna, there's a dovetail to this one and I'll share it in just a moment. But like really recognizing that when I am kind of expected to be behind something or somehow kind of guilt-tripped into being behind something, I never show up the same. And I don't think any of us do. And so I think this is kind of just maybe a bit of a permission slip to, canvas the stuff that you're involved with and ask yourself that question, you know, am I— why am I a part of this thing? Is it because I can give my best self, my best yes, my best energy to it? Or is it something somehow I got roped into, or I'm feeling compelled, or I'm feeling pushed, or I'm straight up shamed about it? It's not okay. It's not good. So get behind what actually brings you life. Along with this, I think it is really important to realize that you serve practically nobody when you're out of alignment with, with those internal values, beliefs, your deeply held truths. And I always joke like these things, sometimes these things that I either say or that I wanna share with, you know, people I care about, they, they sound cliché. Like I could crochet 'em on a pillow or something. Um, but any, any version of me and I'll, so I'll make this, I'll share from my perspective. Anytime I'm showing up in a way that is performative, people pleasing, or lacking good boundaries for me, it isn't helping others as much as I want to think that I am. I think there's probably a lot of you that when you're— again, when you're givers, I talk and work with a lot of women. So I think this touches a nerve for all of us, this feeling of like the selfishness to actually put those boundaries in place or to let people be disappointed, um, that it touches a real nerve. It's a real thing for us. And I guess that's why I'm probably going to just continue to say it, because if you're feeling like that, if that's feeling, uh, you know, but it's easier just to kind of keep the peace or not say things, it is because somehow and in some way in your environment or through your conditioning, you're being incentivized to feel that way and to believe that and to uphold that pattern. So I'll just say it, like, if you're just like, I don't ever have boundary issues, or I don't ever feel resentful or kind of depleted at the cost of everybody else's happiness, or like I'm sacrificing too much for everybody else's good, then like, carry on. You know, you're fine. You don't— this isn't something I'm not trying to create. This for people. But I just think there are a lot of us that are pushing kind of our— some of our core needs and even desires and wants down to keep some sort of peace. But I also just want to remind you of this: it isn't— that isn't actual peace. It's manufactured harmony. And I love this. I love this analogy. You know, like when you— when you eat something that has aspartame in it, and there's that tang on your tongue of artificiality, that's what manufactured harmony feels like. It has this unnaturalness, like this, I always joke, it's like a tinny, it's like a tinny quality. You can feel it, you can't actually hear it, like you can taste the tang of aspartame, but there is a dissonance to it and it has this like tinniness 'cause it lacks the natural easygoing rhythm that would be there. And the reason it feels unnatural is because you're the one holding it up. You're the one holding it together. It's literally vibrating with the pain of your effort as your shoulders shake and shudder under the weight of whatever this narrative is that you're holding up for everybody else's peace. So I'm simply saying, like, what if, what if you put it down? What if you stopped carrying it? What if you stopped placating and like leaving your own side to, to keep this peace. Just, you know, what if? Okay. So those two things are, are kind of about energy, recognizing that we like truly, we, it is, it's a, it's a limited resource and we're the stewards of it. So we have to, we have to steward them beautifully. The Growing Small Towns show is recorded locally at the Growing Small Towns podcast studio located in Oaks, North Dakota. It's produced by Pheasant Canteen Studio in Aberdeen, South Dakota, with marketing support from Cassidy Johnston in Canyon City, Colorado. Our intro music was created and produced exclusively for Growing Small Towns by James Bergman, singer and songwriter from Fargo, North Dakota. Local and small, it's what we support and it's who we love. Get your community a shout out on the podcast. Call 701-203-3337 and share your small town success that you just don't feel is being celebrated quite enough, and let us shout you out. You can also share your biggest people challenge, and we'll dedicate an episode to offering ideas to help. Hell, you can basically tell us anything and we'll do what we can to answer. We can't wait to hear from you. Today's small town shout out is Gregory, South Dakota, where Rochelle shares. Some of the coolest things going on in Gregory are their general quality of life initiatives, and they are very stoked that pickleball is coming. Pickleball is so much fun.. And now soon you'll be able to do it right in Gregory, South Dakota. Way to go. Um, okay. My third, my third item here is that, uh, and this, this, oh man, you guys, I'm like learning this in real time all the time. I, over the past handful of years, as I've ventured into this kind of more public-facing work, I realized that I have a deep, deep need to be understood and kind of heard and felt or like, quote unquote, gotten. And I do believe that everybody has that need. But like, for me, there's something about my attachment style, my need for human connection, that it really sets me up for this. Um, for the kind of outsourcing where I basically can't stay with myself. I have to, when I, as I, as I'm sharing with somebody that I care about or sharing with a partner or sharing with people, I'm always looking for corroboration. Um, and that's, that's the, that's really the, the lesson here is that you don't actually need people to corroborate your feelings or experience. They are yours and they get to be true. Just because you have them and they are true, instead of going around and being like, you get it, right? 'Cause this therapist said to me one time, what if they never do? And I just, you know, I like stared at her, like slow blinked at her, this was over Zoom. And I thought, what do you mean? Like, what if they never get it? Or like they never get me? And so that's a reality then that we have to deal with, right? I think this, this comes down to clients. It comes down to business partners. It comes down to people that you're in, uh, supply relationships with. If you have a business, um, in the public sector, I mean, my gosh, think of all the places where you're really trying to be like understood and met in your feelings about things and, and how much we outsource, uh, like the truth, the truth of those things to other people because we want other people to see it. You know, we actually don't need that. And what would happen? Again, the what if, what would happen if we just stopped chasing that or expecting that? Okay, number 4, you're the one doing the work, so act accordingly. Sometimes like you actually just do have to say, yeah, no thanks. Like I'd rather not do that. I think sometimes, it is important when you're balancing the needs, especially if you have a business, you're balancing the needs of customers with the balance of, um, or any stakeholders really. Let's just say it, if you have investors, if you have a board of directors, if you've got people involved, there's all these people that you're, you're kind of trying to balance, um, the weight of all of their expectations and needs and wants. And it, it's overwhelming. But I say at the end, if you're the one actually doing the work, then you get to make the choice, you get to make the call. Um, and this is where that phrase, like, the customer's always right to me falls a little flat. Um, and you kind of risk selling out. And this is so true, I think, in small communities. It can be really hard to balance what people tell you they want with what you feel both inspired and truly willing to want to deliver. Um, that's what's— that to me is what the most aligned and kind of creative and impassioned businesses can be. And creative, by the way, I'm not saying it needs to be This could be the most, like, on the surface, non-creative thing that gets made. It's not about what it is that you do, it's about why you do it and that there's some alignment with how you're showing up in, in the marketplace because everybody's gonna tell you what they think. Um, the last thing related to kind of this whole doing the work, being a business owner thing is I really want you to know, like, if, if you feel like quitting, right now, if you felt like quitting yesterday, and if honestly it comes up a lot, you're like, I just, I think I just want to quit. Um, you're not a crappy business owner. You're, you're actually just a human. Um, I, I, I, I'm just gonna tell you some of the thoughts that have kind of plagued me this year. It's like, there are easier ways to make money than this. Like, I, I just want a boss. And I don't know that anybody gets how hard this is. Those are the stories that I tell myself in kind of my dark moments. Usually they come at about 2 in the morning, 2, 3 in the morning. And I lay there and I, and I feel so alone and I feel so, um, unempowered, you know? And so I, I just, if nothing else, I just again wanna remind you that like everybody who runs a business has those feelings. Because it's a really normal way to do it. And at some point you have to feel those feelings. We can't just like push 'em down or cast 'em aside because sometimes the answer is that we should quit. Like that's actually, we get to, we can quit if we want to. So I think it's important too to just always keep our minds open to the fact that like if that's something that's plaguing you on the regular, and you've made all the adjustments you feel you can make and you still just aren't, it's not actually bringing you the, the fulfillment that it should for the risk that's involved, heck, let's figure something out then, you know? And maybe you do have to quit. But I think we really need to normalize how, because I don't think it helps anybody when we, when we talk about business ownership as if it's all freedom and flexibility and like calling the shots as if that's some sexy, awesome thing. 'Cause It— there's elements of that, sure. But there's also, along with that comes the mantle of responsibility, the burden of making all the decisions. And that gets damn heavy at times. So I just wanted to give you those couple of love notes. There's actually— I actually have just— I've got a few more. These aren't just specifically about business ownership. They're kind of just doing life and community. And So these are still love notes, um, but they're maybe not as directed to specifically owning a business. Um, okay. Whatever it is that you're in the middle of that you're having some of these doubts and these uncertainties with and, uh, just the struggle, just, there's a why, like get back to it, figure out what, what you started your thing for. What was it? What compelled you initially to start your thing? Like just spend 10 minutes after you listen to this reconnecting with that big why, because it is big enough and it does matter. So re— like if you reacquaint yourself with your, with your why and you think, well, this is why I started it. And here, maybe you realize a couple of things like maybe A, it's, that's, that reason or that compulsion is no longer true for you. Um, B, maybe you find that it's no longer compelling enough. To compensate you for all the hassle and the bullshit of like running the thing or doing the thing. Or C, it could be some other big thing that maybe I can't articulate, but it's giving you enough pause where you're waking up in the middle of the night, you can't sleep. Um, again, I, I'm gonna lovingly remind you, you, you can quit and nobody ever wants to talk about it. Um, I will say this, in small communities we still talk about people closing their doors as if they failed. Or we talk behind their backs about how they couldn't cut it. But the truth is, if your reason for starting your thing isn't still deeply true, personal, compelling, getting you out of bed, motivating you, you get to consider if you wanna continue it. And I know that it's not easy. We all need to remind ourselves that our community, along with our fans, our followers, our customers, our clients, like whoever, however we define the people we serve, They all get the benefit of having our business, the business while it lasts. And really good stuff gets produced in the world when people take risks and start their things. And so I don't care if you did it for a month, for a year, for a decade, for a generation, for fev— several, uh, you get, you get to make choices about whether or not you wanna stick with it. Um, the last, the last thing I wanna specifically say about business, uh, and how to like navigate these difficult times, um, is just who, who are your people? Go back. I, this has been something that's been so, um, my God, it's been grounding the last, the last few months. Uh, it's just been a wild and wonky year, I think. Um, Some of, some of you have, we have conversations outside of the podcast like this, and I love those conversations. I, and this is one of the strategies that I started kind of midsummer, and it was reconnecting with all the people that I've kind of met throughout this process. Like I went way back to the beginning and I've con— I started considering every person who cheered me on, who supported me, who encouraged me, and in some way I tried to reconnect or like reengage with them. And I'm telling you, even if you do this and you get just a couple of quick texts back or snaps or, you know, you actually hop on a Teams or a Zoom call or whatever, or you physically see them for sure, I promise you, you're gonna feel less alone. You're gonna feel less insane. You're gonna feel less kind of swirly and dysregulated and chaotic within yourself because you're not doing this by yourself. And I think that's, part of the challenge of the time that we're in right now is there's just so many reasons to keep us disconnected, to keep us separate from one another. There's this guy that I sometimes listen to on TikTok, and every time before he starts to like his little rants, he'll be like, before I get into this, just go and touch grass, like put your feet in some grass. And he's saying it like, this is going to sound outrageous, what I'm about to tell you, so please go ground yourself. And I feel like that's what That's what people can help us do is just reconnect to the fact that we actually are all connected to each other. There's so many things I would also suggest along with this, like really take control of what you're taking in. Um, there is such a societal climate right now that, um, even if you're like, well, I'm not going to go on Facebook, but I'm just going to be on Instagram. There is there's still forces at play that are robbing you of kind of your peace and your sanity. I just, just the other day I remembered that I had gotten a subscription to the online learning platform called MasterClass because like I love, I love learning and I love the ease of doing it online. And there's some really fun, creative, interesting classes. In that, in that thing. And so I thought to myself, you know, instead of being like, I, you know, I'm only gonna spend so much time, cuz I like love TikTok. I think it's so funny. I usually, I'm usually out there for entertainment purposes, which I'm not bashing that in any way, but there's also like every 5 hilarious little posts because my, my algorithm knows me and it's like, here, you know, watch this thing and it's just ridiculous. And I love that, but probably every 5 posts there ends up being something that's related to politics, related to something that's divisive, and I have to actively scroll past it. There is, that's having an effect on me, it's just like it's having an effect on all of us. So what if, you know, along with people, we reconnect with people, we reconnect with some like bigger picture things that we wanna learn, that we wanna chase, that we wanna pursue, and figure out where to go and find that or do that do that or experience that instead. So this idea of kind of directing or taking back control of your consumption of stuff, I think, is another way too to just stay a little more grounded and a little less chaotic. Okay, there's kind of two last things I wanna share. A colleague of mine writes a really beautiful blog post. She just shared it, I think it was just yesterday or the day before, She was talking about the fact that, she's talking about empathy and what empathy in, she was specifically talking about business, but per usual, I'm like, okay, well, if it works in a business, it works in a community or just a society in general. And the whole idea about empathy, she was saying, what happens when noticing isn't enough? And what she's talking about is it's one thing to notice, that someone's having a hard time, what does it actually mean to like bring that awareness that like we see a shift in them, we see a shift in their behavior, we see a shift in, and just even the way they're showing up maybe. And what, what, what's the difference between just being like, that seems weird, and then actually taking action to bring it out into the open and somehow making it okay for them to be that. And that's really, that's what empathy is. It's not, and it's not justifying or validating their feeling, but just letting them know that you're there. I loved it. She actually, she shared an example of the fact that she, she actually lost a job due to crying at work. And, and she was like, they had, there just been more questions asked. She wasn't crying because she was overwhelmed with the task at hand. She was, she was crying because she was, she was actually, she said, I was actually pregnant. You know, she, she had some other really serious, like her, her parent, one of her parents was sick. Like you just, you think to yourself, people are full humans. And I see this anytime I'm working with business people. I guess I wanna just remind everybody of this too. As you're going about your day, there's like a whole host of stuff that people are grappling with right beneath the surface. And we always, there's the cliché is like, you never know what someone's story is. And so be kind. And I'm saying it's not just kindness, it's actually checking in. You know, if more of us did that, we maybe wouldn't feel quite as alone, and we need to make more room for genuine empathy. It is missing. It's missing from today. It's this quick judgment of we're judging what we're seeing because it makes us uncomfortable instead of looking at the person and saying even— you can even look at a person and say, I don't understand. I can't, I can't understand or even imagine exactly what it is that you're going through. But I am so sorry that you're hurting. And I am here. I'm here with you. And I'll just sit with you through this. And that's empathy. The last thing I wanted to share was there's a beautiful quote from, from Jane Goodall. So Jane Goodall is the the activist, uh, and she just passed away this year. The animal— I mean, everybody knows her, right? The, the, the animal lover. She— so I saw a clip of this on Netflix. She's doing a, some sort of documentary. And I did actually source this. I was like, did she actually say that? So again, I'll just be honest, like, it absolutely could have been AI, but it looked like it came right from Netflix. So there's my caveat on the sourcing. Um, But the question was that they asked her was, a lot of people will be talking about who you were. So who would you say you were? You know, like when you're no longer with us and somebody asks that question, like, who would you say you were? And she said, I would say to people that I was somebody sent to this world to try to give people hope in dark times. Because without hope, we fall into apathy and do nothing. And in the dark times we're living in now, if people don't have hope, we're doomed. And how can we bring little children to this dark world we've created and let them be surrounded by people who've, who've given up? There was something about that that just like really struck me and Again, I just think there's a lot to be— there's a lot to feel like to lack hope in and around and for right now. It's kind of just— I'm not going to say it's the hardest time ever to be alive. That would be presumptuous and ridiculous because I don't know. But I know that today I felt like I needed to come onto our show and talk to you all and let you know that if you're feeling any mix of these things, or just if you're feeling like we're doomed, it's not even just about little children, in my opinion. It's about all of us that are in this together right now. We're all living, we're at the— we're— we exist on the planet at the same time. So we owe this to each other to not give up. And I don't know that there's necessarily right answers to all of these things. Um, but I think every step towards being good to each other, being more empathetic and honest and caring towards each other, compassion, grace, um, and love towards each other, it can't really lead us to any place that's worse or darker than, than what we're maybe feeling right now. Um, so I guess if my words didn't do it for you, maybe Jane Goodall's will. I just want you to remember that we're here. Um, this wasn't meant to be a downer. It was actually meant to be encouragement. I hope it feels that way. Um, and also I, I would give anything to, to make it true that you could grow without heartache, that growth and evolution, transformation, and getting better could come without the price tag attached of pain, discomfort, and heartache, but they don't. And so just know that too, that on some bigger picture level, your pain is working for you, your heartache, your difficulty is working for you. And I think once you realize you're not in it all by yourself and there's a whole host of people feeling the same way, it can really help alleviate some of the pain. So as always, I want to thank you for being a part of our world, being a part of our community. If you've been hanging around with us, there's a kindred thing happening, and we need you. Your community needs you. We need you. We need each other. Just take care of yourselves, be good to yourselves, and I can't wait to see you again.

Soon.

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