Being Relatable in a Virtual World

Hey there, welcome to Inside Scoop. I'm Paula Rizzo. Today we're going to be talking all about how to be more relatable in a virtual world, because this is what we got, right? You got some friends in a box like this, and this is what you get. We're used to, you know, the video now, but I know not all of you love it. I get it. I'm into it. I'm okay with it. You know, my background's in TV, so I feel all right with it, but it's not the same as being in person. And now that we're getting into this hybrid world of sometimes we're in person, sometimes we're, you know, virtual, how do you stay relatable? How do you make friends? How do you, you know, relate to your colleagues and your coworkers and all of that? We're going to talk all about it today. I have a wonderful guest who has a brand new book out. I'll bring her up in just a moment. But this is something that, you know, whether or not you like it, you're you're going to be on camera, right? This is, this is what's happening now. So I actually have a resource for you since I'm a media trainer and coach. Uh, if you go check out, um, actually if you go to paularizzo.com/list, you can check out my list-making starter kit. And I also have another freebie for you if you go to paularizzo.com/checklist. That is another one for you, which you can, uh, learn how to become a go-to media expert. And a media expert does not necessarily mean TV media anymore. That used to be the thing. It used to be just, you know, I would coach people who wanted to be on TV, which yes, people still want to be on TV, but now people want to just be better at Zoom calls and they want to be, create their own live stream and they want to be out there in the world. So if you go to paularizzo.com/checklist, I have some, you know, inside scoop stuff on video and how you can be better relatable on video. Hopefully we're going to talk about that right now. I'm going to bring on my fabulous guest Right now, Rachel D'Alto is the author of a new book called Relatable. And I'm thrilled for you to be here to talk all about, you know, what's happening in the virtual world. You know, we want people to share this information and get it out into the world. But what's the— what's our issue? Why is it so hard to be relatable on video?

Oh my gosh. Well, you know, actually, it's an interesting thing that you bring up because video is a completely different element than relatability in real life because We're not supposed to see ourselves on camera. We're not supposed to see ourselves during conversations. You know, so I think that's one thing. And it's actually something I included a whole chapter on how to deal with virtual relatability because it was such a huge issue that wasn't part of the package before COVID And now it's really something we deal with every day. The one thing that I always tell people is we actually psychologically, based on research, we judge ourselves more. When we see ourselves on camera, and we judge other people more. Uh, so there's just a whole lot more judgment. There's a lot, uh, more of a, you know, we hold back being more vulnerable. We hold back kind of with our opinions a lot of the times. And the other thing is we stare at ourselves the whole time, so it's hard to focus on the other person. But it's not because you're a narcissist. It's actually because that's the way our brains work. We actually look for the most familiar person in a space And turns out when you're staring at a screen, it's you.

You— wow, that's such an interesting point. I didn't know that.

Wow.

I had done a show a while back, um, all about how, you know, now there's this, uh, dysmorphia. It's like Zoom dysmorphia disease. You know, people are going and getting plastic surgery because they don't like the way they look on Zoom calls. And, you know, they're, they're nitpicking the way their hair looks. You know, you know how it is. Everybody's like messing with their hair and doing this and doing that. Um, but it's true, you know, hiding the self-view is very important. I think like you check your Check your hair, check your teeth, make sure you're okay, and then you can hide your self view. But not everyone will do that, right? And so that's sort of the issue about the virtual world. But as we're going back into the world, because this is now, we're at that pivot moment that we didn't know would come, but it's here. We can do things in person. What do you suggest for people who are a little bit anxious, nervous about getting back out there and talking to people and being normal again?

Yeah, you know, it's a, it's definitely a multi-prong approach, I think, that needs to happen. And, and it first starts with this awareness of how you're feeling and validating whatever that is. There are people, and, and I've actually had a chance to kind of be back out there in, in a way that I wasn't expecting. I've been on 18 planes in the last 6 weeks. And so I've, yeah, I was like, almost too much, too much.

Yeah, there's a lot of people.

Yeah, yeah, I was like, that's a lot of people everywhere. But, um, for me, I've gotten very much used to it again. But there's a lot of people that just typically toeing into it. There's people who are really out there a lot and still feel uncomfortable in certain situations. I said I was happy— happily and heavily caffeinated before, and I was like, the words are just gonna flow right out, right? Uh, but yeah, being empathetic with yourself and then taking those baby steps of understanding that it's okay to feel a little different, and it's okay to kind of shake those, those cobwebs off and recognize that you will get back into a flow of it. You will get back up to wherever you were before. But, but we've all changed. There's definitely been a shift.

Yeah, it's true. And, you know, I think it's, it's a good point that you bring up that we need to be easy on ourselves. It took us a year and a half to get to this point, right? Remember when it was so weird to be talking to everybody you know on, on the computer, basically, you know what I mean? And so that became a big shift, and everybody shifted the way that they work and shifted the way that they live and how everything is happening. And now it's like, hey, we're doing that again. And so that's going to take a little bit of time to, to get used to, and you should be mindful of that and nice to yourself. I think we're all just too hard on ourselves in general. Being socially awkward is something that can keep people, I mean, just not meeting people in person or on the computer because it's like, if you're not geared that way, you're not going to be the one that's going to say, "Hey, let's set up a networking coffee or let's do this." That's not your thing. But how do you explain or tell people that they can get over being socially anxious, socially awkward in all situations?

Yeah, and social anxiety is an entirely different epidemic that we're dealing with. It's been on the rise for years, but I do believe the numbers that we're seeing now are just going to continue to escalate because of what we've just experienced. So if anyone is feeling anxiety— and just as a side note, social anxiety means that you're worried about being judged all the time, anytime that you're in a social interaction. So it keeps you from doing those things. And the biggest thing with that is, is again, it's baby steps. I'm not a big fan of just throw them in the pool and see if they swim, which is actually how I learned to swim and got traumatized.

Me too.

No, like, would you ever do that to your kids?

I still don't like to swim because of it. I mean, I can, but I just don't like it because I still remember that.

I cried every time we drove past the swim center for like 10 years.

Yes.

So, but it's like, okay, yeah, I guess you may learn something that way, but that's actually not the way to, to make it really stick and make it feel good. So I tell people, baby step, prove your brain wrong. Because if you are anxious about a situation and you're able to engage in any version of it, even just a snippet of it, and show yourself that you can get through it and maybe even enjoy it sometimes, then all of a sudden our brains look at things differently and we're able to take a bigger step the next time.

I want to pause here just for a second because I see some people saying hello in the chat boxes below. Hello, we're so happy to have you here. If you have questions, please leave them in the chat boxes below. We will get to those afterwards. So absolutely, uh, you know, share this with people who you think would benefit from this conversation, who you think might have a question, you know, something that Rachel can help us with, absolutely stick that in the chat boxes below and we will get to you. Rachel, I want to talk a little bit about authenticity. It is that word that everyone throws out there. It's like, be authentic with the things that you share and make sure that your content is so good. You know, what does it mean and how do we actually really do it?

And honestly, it's one of those things, it's a buzzword that I think it's overused. And then people are like, be yourself. Yourself, and you're like, well, I got a lot of different versions of me. So, you know, I always say that the person who does live TV, the version of me that does it, is very different than the person that you're going to pull up a chair to next to at the bar, you know, is very different from the person who was a lawyer, is very different. All those are me, though. And so we really have to look at authenticity as embracing all the versions of ourselves. And it's really, to me, about taking off the mask of perfection. And that's where I believe that our biggest disconnect between really who we are as humans and that happens is because we think that we have to be perfect. And it's something I talk to people about all the time and always ask, you know, who here feels like they need to be perfect to be in, you know, in a relationship, get the job, get the friend, whatever the situation is? And nearly all the hands raise. And then I ask them, who here expects perfection from anyone around them? And no one ever raises a hand. I mean, I had one in one audience. I was like, you don't mean that, you're trying to be different.

Yeah, yeah.

But, but most of the time it's, it's that difference between, you know, what we think we have to be and who we are. And that's where we have to really strive to just own who we are. We're not perfect. Yeah.

And it's okay to show that. And actually, like, that is the point. That's the part of that people do relate to, right? That is the point when it's like, oh, you're wearing your slippers too. Like, when you show that behind the scene shot. You know, I did a course— I have several courses for LinkedIn Learning that I have produced, and one is just out today actually about working in a hybrid work environment. How do you become a, you know, better virtual and hybrid employee? And I posted a picture behind the scenes of me and my slippers doing, you know, like I had all my attire on and my hair was done and my makeup, and I had my slippers on. And people just like loved it. They were like, oh, that's so funny. That's how you do it? And it's like, yeah, that's what it looks like. And it's a disaster. There's stuff everywhere, but the shot looks great, but everything else is a mess. That is just giving people a peek into life to show them, hey, we're similar. We've got the same kind of things going on. What about creating environments for relationships, especially now that people might be a little anxious about it or whatever it is? What do you suggest for people to, whether it be virtual or in person, how do you start to cultivate those relationships again?

Well, at the end of the day, they still have the same foundation wherever you are nurturing them. So if it's online or if it's in person, it's that consistency, it's that, uh, that attention to them. So I, in my book, I break it down into these 3 steps of being relatable. In the middle one is communication, but to me, communication is so far beyond semantics. Yes, your words matter, but when you're cultivating that relationship, your presence is everything. You showing up and actually being without distractions, you know, we have I call them like, no one has phones anymore. These are little computers that follow us around now. So whether you're on Zoom, and you and I both know, I'm sure we've had a million Zooms, and you know when people are in the Zoom, and you know when they've turned their camera off and they're taking a nap in the background. And it's actually worse when they turn the camera on and you can see them doing other things. And so, it disconnects. It disconnects just as bad as you were doing it in person. So it's really that attention. It's communicating and it's, it's doing the work and the consistency of the effort to let this person know that they're important. That's how relationships get formed is because people feel like they matter and they're willing to engage in an energy exchange.

Yeah, and show up for each other, whether it be like this or it's in person or— that attention piece is so important because we have such a short attention span now, probably less than ever, right? But what do you suggest for people to really, like, in a conversation, keep that connection going? Like, how do you build that as a skill? Because that's something you need to build back up, because now we're used to looking at, you know, I'm looking at a screen. I'm not looking at you because it doesn't look good on camera. I'm looking at this camera that your face is not in right now, and it's just, it's different. So how do we start to do that no matter where we are?

Yeah, and honestly, there's a couple different hacks. The one that I, I love that I, uh, talk about in the book as well is curious listening, because I believe in active listening. I think that's awesome. Stay active, stay listening. But curious listening means I'm listening to find something that I'm interested in enough to start asking questions about. Not in like a litigation kind of way, but more, more in like a, I care about what you, what you've been through, or who you are, or where you're going. And, you know, it's such a hack, especially for those who have any sort of elements of anxiety or social anxiety, because oftentimes the biggest concern is, well, what do I say? And Honestly, you don't really have to worry about saying a whole lot because if you can get them talking, right, then they end up feeling more important.

Yeah, I love that. I mean, this comes from your background, right, as a lawyer, right? You're used to asking questions, you're used to being curious about people. I feel the same, you know, as a journalist it's the same thing. And it's always my go-to hack is like, I'll just ask a bunch of questions because I feel like people like to talk about themselves, they want to let you in on what it is that they know and all of that. But There's one thing that could go wrong there, right? When people try to be relatable, sometimes then they take the baton and they make it all about them. Well, this one time I did this and this one time I did that, and then it becomes like the me show. You know what I mean? So what do you suggest for that? Because we don't want to take it too far in the other direction.

Yeah. And honestly, that's self-awareness. I mean, the best thing that you could do to become a relatable human being is to become more aware of how you show up and more aware of the people around you and how they react to you. You could honestly spend a week just paying attention to the body language of other people, to the reactions of other people, to, you know, whether or not someone is, is looking to re-engage with you. And so, uh, it's very normal. It's actually a really normal reaction from a psychological standpoint for someone to try to, you know, match. Like, oh, you broke your arm? I broke my leg. Like, right. And that's okay. But then redirect it back to the person and ask them a question about it, because it's okay to try to find that commonality. I think that's, that's oftentimes what we're trying to do, uh, but you can't keep it on you, you know. If you say, I love to travel, and then I'm like, I love to travel too, let me tell you about every trip I've ever been on, and I don't care where you went, it's probably problematic.

Yeah, exactly. And it's like, we're not gonna be friends then. That's not, that's not gonna go anywhere else. That's not, uh, if you have questions, please leave them in the chat boxes below. We'd love to check them out. We have something from Amy. It's more of a comment, but I'd love to, to hear what she has to say. She's saying, such a wonderful topic. I have a side hustle and a big part of what's going on is having an online presence. It's so difficult to get comfortable on camera. I started doing lives Monday nights with a friend in the same business. We're helping each other to get better. I think that's it, you know. I think you're on to it. Like, you just keep doing it, keep putting yourself out there. It's, it's the new normal. This is not going anywhere. We have to get comfortable with it, right? I mean, I think people people think things are going back, but this is never gonna go away. We're, we're gonna be doing business like this for a very long time.

I completely agree. Yeah. I, I don't think we are going to eliminate the hybrid approach ever, even if we are back in person often. Uh, but also why not utilize social media for that side hustle? And why not, uh, just know that people really do relate to humans. I, you know, that's, I believe one of my friends, uh, Brian Fanzo always says the future of marketing is relatability. And so anytime that you're putting yourself out there, you're connecting with those potential customers, and they're, they're going to be far more loyal to you because they see you and they connect with a human being.

Absolutely, for sure. I mean, what do you think about, you know, as far as networking goes, let's say, you know, a lot of people on LinkedIn are watching, people are interested in getting new jobs, people are interested in, you know, putting themselves out there, getting new careers, people are leaving their jobs, and all of these things are happening, right? Uh, but How do you suggest the invite? Like, what should you do when you're going and meeting someone or trying to meet someone who you don't know, who is a complete and total stranger? Like, what are the, the tips there?

Well, for everyone on LinkedIn, I think we have to change the way that we're inboxing people. That's a good start. It's, it's that— oh my gosh, I mean, how many times do you get those just spams? And I was like, why are— don't even waste your time. Honestly, the energy that you or your assistant is, is taking to to do this, you're actually doing yourself a disservice because you're creating a different feeling on, on my end, and I'm sure the end of many recipients of those messages. So I think it's all about, regardless of who you're trying to network with, it's finding a real connection with them, a connection point. And so, you know, and I say if it's virtual networking, it's engaging in a way that doesn't feel spammy. It's engaging in authentic way, connecting with them, um, by liking their posts and making comments that mean something. And don't— I have people that comment on my posts and they make it all about them again. I like, what are we doing here? Like, that's basically telling me I don't want to spend time with you either, kind of like we were just talking about before. But when you start to see someone more regularly— I mean, we all have people online that we feel like we're close to because we've engaged with them a lot, even if we've never met them. And that could happen on LinkedIn too. And it could be somebody that you're looking to connect with and looking to network with, but you don't start with the ask, you know. It's not— you have to build the relationship first. And I think that's the biggest challenge, is that We want the relationship without any of the work.

Yeah, people are asking you to get married before you had the first date. Like, you didn't—

which is ironic because I was on Married at First Sight as one of the experts. So I use that sometimes and I'm like, oh wait, nobody gets married after a first date. I'm like, they got married before a first date, actually, right?

Never mind, scratch that. It's true though, like, you do still need to invest the time and the effort. This is not just like an instant thing. And it's because we're so— we have no time for anything. We're just so time poor these days. Everybody is just doing a million other things. And I was like, oh, you have to invest the time. Think about it. Think about the friends that you've had over your entire life or the colleagues. It's like you have built that over time. You didn't just meet them one time in a coffee shop and then it's like instantly you're doing business together. That's just not how it happens. It doesn't. So the same thing when we're talking about online here. And you have a freebie to share that I want to talk about is your quiz, right? Uh, could you tell us a little bit about your, about your quiz? Because it's been fantastic, and I want people to, to grab your stuff if they go to racheldialto.com/social-superpower-quiz, and we will make sure that you get a link to that in the, um, chat boxes below. But, uh, tell us about it.

Yeah, so I developed the, the social superpowers because I, I really started to see kind of these breakouts of the types of personalities that I see the most, and I believe that everybody has a superpower, and it's not about trying to be be somebody else. Again, we want to be authentic. It's about understanding who I am and who the people around me are so that I can better engage in a way that is more productive and more copacetic, more efficient. Uh, so that's why I created the quiz, which is actually a smaller part of— I have a larger relatable assessment, so that a personality assessment for, for people to really dive in and learn more about who they are.

Fantastic, Rachel. This has been fantastic. Thank you so much for being here, for all of your insights and your good energy. I love that because it's like, this This is something that we've got to go after in a big way, but you have to bring your best self. And so I appreciate that very much.

And my part unicorn shirt.

Yes, I love that. Well, exactly. Makes sense to me now. Perfect. If you have questions, if you're watching the replay, leave them below. We're going to continue to answer questions. If you're watching after the fact, if you're not here with us live, please leave those questions and comments below. A little freebie from me, I have a lot of You know how I am. I love my lists. So I have a list-making starter kit and I also have a checklist for you. If you go to paularizzo.com/checklist, you can get my checklist to become a go-to media expert where I do give all kinds of tips and tricks on, yeah, engaging with media if you'd like to, but also how do you become your own producer? How do you produce your own videos? How do you make sure that you are out there and seen in the world in a bigger and better way? I'm also a LinkedIn Learning instructor. And so I do have quite a few. I have 6 actually, uh, new courses out on LinkedIn. So if you can check that out on LinkedIn Learning, I would love it. How to set boundaries and protect your time. And that is very important to what we're talking about today, to make sure that you make the time for the things that are super important. So thanks so much for watching. If you have those questions, leave them below and I will see you all next time. Thanks.