Inside Scoop: Pushing Personal Boundaries

Hey there, welcome to Inside Scoop. I'm Paula Rizzo. I want you to raise your hand, raise your hand for me if you feel like, oh, I'm up for something new, I'm up for something different, and then you stop yourself before you start. It happens to a lot of us. We make excuses, right? Maybe it's your age or your lifestyle, or, you know, you're just set in your ways. Whatever the excuse may be, the excuses are holding you back. And we're going to talk today to someone who is all about pushing your personal boundaries just the right amount so you do get out there and you get to live, as Oprah would say, live your best life, be out there and do something maybe a little bit different, maybe something that you didn't think you could ever do. And I will introduce you to her in just a moment because she is spanning the world as we speak doing just that. But first, I have a little resource for you that I think will be helpful as you start to think of putting yourself at the top of your list and really pushing your boundaries and getting out there. It is my List Making Starter Kit, uh, which will help you to be, you know, more productive and highly successful, less stressed, make lists in the right way. If you go to paularizzo.com/list, you can grab that. I'm also a LinkedIn Learning instructor, and, you know, part of planning for your future and what you want to do is protecting your time. You want to protect your just set some boundaries so other people kind of stay out of your way while you get your dreams in order. OK, and the way to do that is to protect your time. And I have a LinkedIn Learning course all about that, as well as others all about list making. So if you go to any, you know, LinkedInLearning.com or if you go to PaulaRizzo.com/LinkedIn, you can check that out. I have 6 courses there and they are, you know, pretty, pretty fabulous, if I do say so myself. Some of them are about hybrid work. And, uh, you know, setting up your remote office, things like that, things that will really help you, especially if you're on the move and traveling around the world like my next guest is. Uh, but before I bring her on, I just want to also remind you, hey, if you have a friend who you think will benefit from hearing this conversation, tag that person below, put their little name right there in the comments, uh, box, and be sure to ask questions throughout. We will be here to answer your questions if you're here with us live or watching the replay. We're going to be watching those comments, come in, and so we'll make sure to get your questions answered. So without further ado, let's bring on the fabulous Petra Kolber. Hi, how are you?

It's so good to be here. I'm great, thanks, Paula Rizzo.

Look at you! So tell, tell the world where you are right now.

I am in Lisbon, Portugal.

Wow, Lisbon, Portugal. And so, you know, the last time you and I were actually physically together was in New York City, uh, and since then, you know, the world has completely changed. For Everyone. And you have been on this journey to write a book, which we'll talk about in a moment. You've already written another book, but why is it so hard for people to push past those personal boundaries and those stories that they tell themselves and those excuses?

Well, I think the first thing is, Paula, our brain is designed to protect us. Our brain is designed to keep us safe and feed us. Basically, that's its prime thing. So to go past our boundary is going against everything that our brain is telling us to do. So oftentimes I say, where is fear overstepping its boundaries? The brain of the past that protected us and allowed us to go and hunt for our food is why we're all here today. It oversteps its boundaries many times. And I think the biggest thing, Paula Rizzo— and I'm discovering this for myself too— is we want to know that it's going to work out. We want to know whatever the thing is on the other side, it's going to work out. It's going to be a success. I'm not going to fail. It's not going to be anxiety-provoking. It's— so we want to know the guarantee. And the challenge is we cannot know whether we are going to like this new thing or whether we've gotten closer to deciding, yeah, this is another thing I don't want to do until we test it out. So until we can get— oh, it's so cliché, right? Everything you want is on the other side of your comfort zone. But it is so true. So it's not that you want to push through it because I think the minute we try and push away from something, it gives it more power.

Yes.

But can we look at it through the lens of curiosity? Like, oh, that's interesting to me. I wonder why I'm feeling so anxious about this particular thing I want to do, or why is it bringing up so much fear? What's the thought underneath the fear around this thing that I want to do? And then I get a choice. Am I going to go and take the leap and on my wings, or am I going to say, or am I going to go with what I know? And the learning is never in the knowing, which sucks. It's always in the unknowing.

Yeah, totally. And, you know, you've had a lot of— through your career, I mean, you know, let's tell everybody about your, your career, your amazing career. I mean, in the fitness industry for years, uh, you know, I'm sure many people have worked out with you that might not have realized it. So Petra, tell us about the beginning part of your, of your career and now where, where you're headed now?

Well, we can go way back. Let's go way, way back to leg warmers and VHS tapes.

Yeah, yeah.

And if you're too young to know what a VHS tape is, you need to leave now. So, um, so my career began, uh, in the early '90s. Jane Fonda and leg warmers were in, and spandex. And do they say luck is preparation meeting opportunity? So I had just stepped off my dancing career. I had a very strong British accent at the time. And Reebok was looking for a new face, and they were looking for someone who could do dance. And, you know, we all auditioned, we sent in our VHS tapes, and I got chosen. And then you have to show up. I wasn't, I wasn't really ready at that point for the opportunity, but I was very blessed to have mentors around me that were not afraid to share their wisdom. And so I learned very quickly what I needed to do, how to be prepared, how to be professional. And so I had the talent, but I didn't have the business skills. So I learned that. I remember a side note, computers were just coming in and I still had no money. I was living in a small studio in the Lower East Side. All I knew how to use was a typewriter. So I would carry my typewriter with me on the plane over to LA. But you do what you have to do. I was a— I knew how to hustle with heart. So I got my start with Reebok. They loved what they saw. And I got it not in one go, but over 10 years, I had a really good contract with them. And I got blessed to travel the world. An amazing piece of advice, uh, one of my mentors told me, never lose your own name for the sake of a brand. Never lose your own name for the sake of the brand. So even in my early years, when I was going to be presenting at a convention, Reebok had paid for everything. Then I would say to the convention, can I do one little lecture on my own under my own name? They said, yeah, but we're We're not going to pay you because— I'm like, not a worry. So the good news is, Paula Rizzo, when Reebok disappeared, my name, people knew my name. So I kept going on in the fitness industry. Long story short, fast forward, I kind of stepped off my career for a relationship. The relationship ended. I found myself back in New York at the age of 52. And I had two choices. Do I go with what I know, the fitness industry, or do I reinvent, pivot, try something new? And part of it was my age. Age. Part of it was like, I don't want to be the oldest person sweating for a living anymore. I'm just done. And I could have gone to what I knew, and I thought, this is the time. This is the time to step into the unknown. And that's where I began speaking. I became an author. DJing was a part of that. Became a—

I remember when you just first start. I was in your apartment on the Upper West Side. Remember when you first got the equipment and you were like, never mind all this. I'm learning how to be a DJ. I was like, what? How many interests does this woman have? It's so amazing. But I I love the idea of curiosity. And the other piece that you said was about mentors and finding people who, hey, if I don't know it, somebody else must know this world. And so you knew the fitness, you knew the steps, you knew how to do it, but maybe not knowing the business part, you found people who would help you do that. And that's so important for people to remember. You don't have to do it all alone. You don't have to figure it out on your own. And for you, having the first book come out, the Perfection Detox, and talking about being a perfectionist and getting over that and how do you push through and get to the other side. And now to where we are of you traveling the world on your own, right? And creating a whole new second, third, next thing, fourth. So tell me, why did you decide to now travel, to leave? So you left the apartment, you're not here in New York anymore with me. You're off in Lisbon and you were in Barcelona before that and off you go. You were in Fort Lauderdale before that, I remember seeing. Now what? What is happening here now?

Well, there was two things that happened. It's like the perfect storm. One is, I wrote the book, The Perfection Detox. I often feel like, you know, you could turn your pain into your passion, into your purpose. And so for many years, being a fitness expert, I thought, oh my gosh, to be this label expert that was given to me, I need to know everything. I need to be perfect. I need to have the perfect diet. I need to know the answer to everything. And chronic anxiety, but I worked through that. And then I believe it's our job if we have gone through a struggle to do the best of our ability, share our lessons so people don't have to go through the struggle like we did. It's not going to be the same answer for everybody, but if you can help through your own personal struggle, that's why we're here. So I had gotten over perfectionism and I'm like, okay. So then two things were happening. COVID hit. So I thought, oh, brilliant. I'm going to move out of being the gig economy of a fitness person. I'll become a speaker. Which is the gig economy. So COVID hits, my entire calendar just empties out in a week. So my entire income gone. I'm living in New York City in a beautiful apartment, but not the cheapest. New Yorkers, we knew it shut down. Everything that you're paying for, the arts, nothing was happening. And my building was also being sold. So I knew, Paula, at the end of 2020, I was going to have to move. The question was where? It's like the universe going, okay, we're going to just make this easy for her. Push her out. Let's go. Yeah. And so I had several plans that I kept juggling because of COVID I was originally going to go to Argentina, then Thailand, but it's too risky right now. Long story. I was like, what is the thing I want to explore? And let's hold up a mirror and what is your challenge? And it was getting older. It was getting older. It's like this idea of, am I too old? That's part of the Dziank thing. I was like, I'm going to prove that you can do anything at any age. And but there was still this internal struggle of how I think society expects us to age. And I, I was looking for— like, you talk about mentors, Paula Rizzo, role models. I still to this moment, this is part of the journey. What the heck does it mean to age well? I don't know. I don't know what at 58 is this good? Is this not good? I have no idea because I'm either seeing people that have modified themselves No judgment whatsoever. There's a ton of pressure. Or I go back to where I grew up in England and I go to England. No, I love England. Don't get me wrong. But I'm like, I'm not doing so badly. Because in America, we have these really crazy high standards. So I'm like, what's your pain? My pain is how can I fall in love with myself at this age without a man, without family, with how And so people go, oh, is this Eat, Pray, Love? I'm like, well, it kind of is, but it's helping women to fall in love with themselves because we get to a certain point, like you said at the very beginning, I'm not enough of this, I'm not enough of that. And one of the big things is I'm too old. I'm like, this is crazy. We're into a moment when you get all this wisdom, you've done the hard knocks, you've figured it out. Now is the time to take the leap. And a lot of women don't because of Many reasons. So I thought this cannot be a US conversation because I think we have aging not dialed in very well. This needs to be a global conversation. How are elders revered in India, Thailand, Cambodia, Europe? So that's what I'm doing right now is just investigating what it means in different parts of the world to age. We'll talk about grief and loss and passion and love and ambition and all of that that doesn't go away. When you turn a certain age. It only can be amplified. But do you choose to live? Do you choose to see your age as a limit, or does that allow you to become limitless? And so hence the second book, A Woman of a Certain Age.

Love it.

Shedding, shedding labels, breaking boundaries, living boldly. Because you, I would say, you learn it to teach it, you live it to preach it. So now it's like, I got to make that peace. Made it with perfectionism. Now it's got like, how can I, can I really look in the mirror As I get older, I go, I love you.

Yeah, I love it. And, and a journalist at heart. I love that you're like, I'm gonna go talk to the people and see what's out there. And you know what, it's— some of it is self-serving because you want to know for yourself, but it's for the greater good, right? You want to share this information with other people. You can't keep it to yourself, you know. Once you learn the really great secret, you want to be able to share it. So I love that. And we're getting some questions in, which I love to see. So continue those questions coming. We're going to get to those at the end. Um, and, and I want to talk a little more about about what you are seeing, like what kind of boundaries are you seeing people push past as you're speaking to women of a certain age? What are the things that are surprising them of themselves that they didn't know, or even of yourself that you didn't know you could do or you weren't sure? What are those lessons that you're hearing about?

Well, it's still early days, but I think one of the biggest ones, Paula, is resilience. And I think we learned this through COVID. I mean, resilience is something you can't train for. It kind of sucks, but you strengthen your resilience muscle by going through hard times. So I think it's resilience. And then also what I'm hearing from people, and this is something I've learned for myself, is learning the skills I need. So when I feel that fear coming in, the anxiety, the worry of a new place, new sounds, new scents, new— that could really throw you off the rails. What do I need to do for myself to downregulate, be my best self, not just in the highlight reel. This is what I'm seeing is like, how can I show up for myself and have courage when I'm not feeling at my best? It's easy to feel courageous when things are going well. But it's also really what I'm seeing in women. It's, again, it sounds so cliché, but really just the only— I think what we often wait for in anything new. I say pushing past boundaries. We're waiting as we sit watching Netflix— nothing wrong with Netflix— for confidence to arrive upon us, for self-esteem to suddenly arrive, for courage to— and it doesn't.

Yeah.

The hard thing is it happens in action. So it's this idea of taking the steps before you're ready, saying yes, and then figuring it out. You know, getting more competent as a traveler, going solo, having dinner on your own. And I think the other thing I'm seeing from a lot of women who are traveling— yeah, way many— yeah, it's also recognizing how, how small we are, because the world is a big place. And when you're in someone else's home and country speaking a different language, it actually makes it less anxiety-provoking because I don't know what, maybe it's the language thing. It's like, I've got nothing to lose. I'm talking madly, doing my bad Spanish. And all you're concerned about is communicating your basic needs to the person in front of you. And also, I think what I'm seeing and learning is just how kind people are. People want, we want to be there for each other. Humanity is good. But you had said before mentoring, often I think we are really good at giving help. We're not great at asking for it because we, This is my own personal thing. I used to think asking for help was a sign of weakness, or asking for help meant I was a bother, or asking for help meant I really didn't know it all and I should know. All these crazy stories. But people love giving help. They just need to know that we need it. And so part of pushing boundaries and living your best life is not being afraid to say, "Can you help me figure this out?" Totally.

Yeah. And, you know, travel is such an eye-opening experience because you're used to your own little world. And the way you do things, and then you see, hey, look at, look at how the other world, the rest of the world lives. This is very interesting. So, you know, a lot of people wouldn't even do, you know, half of what you're doing as far as travel, because it is hard. It is hard. You know, you're not going to say like, oh, it's always so— yes, it's beautiful and it's exciting, but, you know, especially the times now, you know, taking a COVID test to go and to come back home, and then to, you know, like, there's a lot of this, there's a lot of reasons not to. There's a lot of reasons to stop yourself and to not do it. And we're getting a few questions, so I just want to pop over there first. Amy is saying hello from California. So hello, Amy. Thank you for being here. So nice to have you. If you have any questions, let us know. Nadia is saying, love this, and I totally can relate. So glad to hear that because it really, it hits everybody, right? Bob has a question. He's saying, do you feel your personal boundaries get hard to push past the more successful you are?

It's a great question.

So glad you're answering it. Go for it.

Do you feel your personal boundaries get hard to push past? No, I think they, that they change. I think our boundaries change. And because I think when you try something new, actually your definition of success changes. So my idea, and I think this has been the great thing about travel, Bob, my idea of success now is being able to get to a grocery store, figure out how to use the cart, get my money back and pay. That was a successful day. So I think what it does, it allows us to really get clear on what does success mean. And that's a great question in terms of like, let's say, business and you see success there. I think what we can all learn from this moment in time, as long as we keep empathy at the core, of all that we do for ourselves and for others, the right boundaries will be in place and we will be able to move through them and learn from them with integrity and a growth mindset. So it's a brilliant question. It's not a very clear answer, but I think they don't get more difficult. I just think the boundaries that come in front of us are different. And then you still— then it's remembering, right? The skills of the past that you use to get through a different boundary you still have, but maybe you just need to apply them in a different way.

Oh, such, such a great thing. And I remember you and I were together in Arizona. Do you remember when we first met?

First got to know each other?

Yes. And similarly, you know, she had said, you've been here before, whatever the challenge is, it looked different, right? But you had the tools to get to this point. And I remember seeing, you know, she drew like a— it looked like a mountain, right? So you're here and you get to the top of the mountain and then you plateau and then you're kind of— and then you go back up and you go— and that's it, right? You take the things that you knew before and you're using them again. So don't discount what you know. I think the hard part is that people, you know, you get comfortable. You get comfortable in your ways, the way that you've been doing things and all of that. And then that can be kind of hard to push through once you've Once you're sitting, you're sitting pretty and you're happy, you know, you're like, man, what do I need to upset the apple cart or whatever the expression is?

Yes. And though, hasn't COVID taught us that I don't care how comfortable you are, we think we know what tomorrow is going to bring. We have no idea. So this is the thing. I also feel like at this moment in time, Paula, when we're having this conversation, COVID's changed it. You know, hopefully maybe on that kind of end of it. But I say to anyone listening, please do not come out of this pandemic the same way you went in. If you have not used this time to— this is a time to stretch your boundary, figure out what it is that makes your heart sing. And then if you can, what steps can you take to get closer to that? Because there are no guarantees. So I think it was Jim Carrey that said, we're all going to fail. So you might as well fail at something you love, especially in COVID times. This is the time to physically ourselves stretch our own boundaries. So this pandemic has not gone to waste.

Yeah, it's so true. My grandfather always used to say, "Tomorrow is promised to no one." And I always thought, "Oh, ramblings of an old man." But that guy knew what he was talking about. It makes perfect sense now. Well, I want to tell people how to follow you and how to keep in touch with you because you are traveling all over the world. We're in Portugal now. Who knows where you'll be next? I have been watching your travels as you've been doing it on Instagram. So of course, you know, look for Petra on Instagram, but you also have a Facebook group. So tell us a little bit about the Facebook group where people can join and, you know, be able to have a backstage pass.

Yeah, I just added this because there's so many like daily lessons that come up, Paula Rizzo, and so it's like a little bit behind the scenes. I might be sharing things there that I wouldn't and share maybe more of the, like, but not just the highlight reel. And it's just a way for people to, like, kind of come along on the journey. And so I share travel tips, and we've just started it, but it's already got some great energy to it. And it's just a way of getting, you know, well, I can't take you with me on my suitcase, I will take you as close as I can on this journey because I am doing this solo. And it actually gives me such joy to be able to share it with people who maybe are not traveling right now. And then, you know, who knows what what's going to come from this incredible adventure.

For sure. We'll be watching. I'll be watching to see where you end up for sure. And thank you for being here and sharing all of this wonderful wisdom. And for those of you who are watching, thank you for your comments. If you have comments, you're watching the replay, leave them below. We're going to continue to answer those. And I have a freebie for everyone. If you want to get better at your list making, go to paularizzo.com/list. You might not even know you're bad at it and I'll help you, but you'll get my my listmaking starter kit, which will have some templates for you to make sure that you keep on track. And, you know, keep, keep those questions coming and I'll see you next time. Thanks so much for being here.