Stop Getting Sucked Into their Drama

Addiction is a full-time job for the part of the brain in which it lives. Addiction's only job is to guard itself. Okay? Addiction drives us all crazy. For the addict, it causes shame, anxiety, depression. For the loved ones, for us, it causes shame, anxiety, depression, and frustration. Most of us don't understand it. We condemn it. We feel embarrassed by it. We want to deny it or hide it and absolutely wish it would go away. However, if you're watching this, then you love someone who's struggling with it. And my money is you are falling into the categories I'm talking about. Here's the bad news. The people we love are suffering from addiction and are not capable of what we would love for them to do, which is stop. I can't tell you how many times I thought of this and actually said it to my kids, Screaming, just stop! I know now. I wish I'd known then that if they could have, they would have. So stop trying to drive. Stop trying to stop driving yourself crazy by trying to stop addiction because you can't. We're going to talk about why. Once our loved ones have become addicted, which is a slow and seductive process, there are no words, threats, promises. Bribes that will stop it for long, or if at all. Addictions, again, addiction's only job is to perpetuate itself, the addiction. The addictive brain can only think about protecting the addiction and it can't think cuz the part of the brain where that lives is a survival part of the brain. It's the reptilian brain. It's not capable of thought. So its only job is to preserve itself. It knows That it needs to protect itself. It is not smart or caring. You really need to understand that this part of the brain, this little tiny survival part of the brain where addiction lives, is not smart or caring. So in case you missed it, addiction's only job is to perpetuate itself. And this is because the extra neuroreceptors that are created by addiction live in that part of the brain. Okay. So So all those external receptors, Amber used to call them hungry monster mouths, but they are the justifiers and the rationalizers. They are the cravings, they are the triggers, they are all the words we hear in addiction. And it's really these empty neuroreceptors that need, believe they need to be filled for the host to live because that's where they live in that part of the brain whose only job is to guarantee life. So it takes over. Our loved one's brain. Okay? Its only function is survive because this is what it is. It finds reasons to validate and rationalize itself and is most often perpetuated by the common human defense mechanisms. So we're gonna talk about these defense mechanisms today because I think once we can understand what's going on in there, we can stop trying to deal with what we don't understand and what, and then learn what we think is not gonna make any impact. So one of those denial, those defense mechanisms is denial. Denial is not allowing the truth to emerge. All right, this is where lying shows up. They lie to themselves and they lie to everyone else. It's also where bargaining is displayed. The promises that they make to themselves and to others, they aren't keeping. I'll only drink on weekends. I'll only drink beer, not liquor. I won't take pills. I'll only smoke weed. These are This is bargaining, but it's denial. Okay? So it's a defense mechanism to protect. Again, all of this is to protect, to perpetuate addiction. Okay? Bear that in mind. Another one is projection. And projection is attributing your own negative thoughts or behaviors onto another person. So this can look like blaming others. I didn't wanna drink, but John kept buying rounds. They pressured me into doing the cocaine. I told them no. It can also come out as gaslighting, but gaslighting is gonna be sort of maybe a quality that we're gonna see in a lot of these things because gaslighting is lying, gaslighting is denial, it's all of these things. So remember, gaslighting is probably prevalent. Another one is repression, blocking from entering your cognitive thoughts. So this can look like lying and it's really more about the lies they tell themselves. All right, it's not that bad. Nobody noticed it. No one saw how drunk I was. I'll stop on Monday. It's a really good typical lie. This is the last time. These are really postponing lies, and I just made that up, so it's not really a thing, but these are thoughts that postpone action so I don't have to look in the mirror. I don't have to feel bad about myself because I'm not doing it today, cuz I already made this covenant with myself, this deal that I'm gonna do it later. So I'm okay for today cuz Monday, I'm gonna stop. Displacement is another thinking error defense mechanism. This is also called transferring. This can be very gaslighting. These emulate being the victim, gaslighting, finding fault, justifying. It's just a sort of a transferring from what I know I should do to what I'm going to do. So these defense mechanisms force the brain into thinking errors and addiction flourishes on thinking errors. So these include all-or-nothing thinking, otherwise known as black and white thinking, like recovery sucks. I can't do it. It won't work. I hate AA. I'm not going to do it. All recovery houses are terrible. Things like that. That's— and we hear this All the time. If I had a penny for every time someone said, "I'm not doing AA; it's just a bunch of holy rollers," I'd be rich. And that's very black and white thinking. Catastrophizing is another thinking error. This can look similar to all or nothing thinking. But I also just had an interesting client talk with the client a few minutes ago, and her son believes. I don't know if he's right or wrong, but believes that AI is doom and gloom and that the world is gonna end soon. So he has now taken this thinking error of the world is going to end soon. So why should I stop doing drugs and alcohol? Because I'm not gonna be here in 2 years. So he, so this catastrophizing, that's the first time I've actually seen such a good example of that in the thinking error of an addict. Um, but that's a really good example. Then there's emotional reasoning, believing that your thoughts are reality. I feel so hopeless, therefore the situation is hopeless. I feel trapped in my addiction, so I am trapped and nothing can be done. The world is going to end. I am trapped in my addiction. Why should I stop? Another thinking error is overgeneralization, using always or never. How many times have we heard that when dealing with our loved one? You always yell at me. You never understand. You never let me drink. All these things. So we hear this in all sober living is terrible. My drinking never causes any problems. These are very, very typical thinking errors. Another one that's very typical, and you guys have probably been on the receiving end of this, is labeling. This is using harsh language towards self or others. Okay. I'm a terrible person, so I just should keep using. I don't have a drinking problem. I have a life problem. I would be a millionaire if I had a penny for every time we heard that sentence. And so, I don't have a problem. My wife is crazy and I wouldn't— my life would be perfect if my wife would just stop bitching about me drinking. This is a huge, huge problem that we hear. This keeps the denial defense mechanism alive and flourishing. Another one is disqualifying, which is negating reality with dismissive words and creating exceptions to avoid seeing what's really going on. Weed is not addictive. Everybody drinks. Everyone at treatment, AA, whatever, is worse than I am. I wouldn't have to lie, sneak, or steal if my wife just believed that kratom isn't addictive. And problematic to our marriage. You can hear the ridiculousness of that sentence, but that's been said. So it's a just a just that's just wrong. This so these thinking errors, you guys, they don't mean that your loved one is not capable or loving. It just means that the reward part of the brain has been hijacked and no longer cares or is capable of smart or logical thinking. So it finds ways to feel better about itself by no longer making smart and caring decisions. So this is the defense mechanisms, this is the thinking errors, and this is all fueled by those neuroreceptors that are constantly working full-time to perpetuate itself, addiction. And they do this through justifying and rationalizing, through thinking errors, through minimizing, through all the things. That, that we hear and that they think. So this is why you can't yell this out, talk this out, logic this out, beg this out, because that part of the brain is just, it's like it's in its own batting cage. It's just batting all that away. So at this point, the reptilian or the old brain has been fed and is large enough and strong enough that it's running the show. The purpose of this part of our brain is really just to allow us to survive. Thus, it's often called the survival— It's often called the survival brain. This is where thinking—I mean, I'm sorry—breathing, eating, drinking water, things that we need to sustain life—that's where they live. Okay? Let me give you a good example of how this brain takes charge and overrides our frontal lobe, which is where all our executive thinking is housed, and and all it overrides our smartness that would that would be the human factor that would be better for us. So if somebody who cannot swim. Falls into a pool of water, their frontal lobe, the smart part of their brain, says immediately, "Don't breathe." We are human. We are in water. We don't breathe water. We breathe air. Don't breathe. If that part of the brain stayed in charge, we would hold our breath longer and float to the top, and we wouldn't drown. But the survival part of the brain, little bitty where addiction lives. Doesn't know that. It only knows that we need to breathe to live and we need to breathe in a certain amount of time. And so it screams, breathe, and it overrides the frontal lobe, which is saying, no siree, Bob, hold your breath. It overrides that and we breathe and we drown. So that example lets you know, lets you get a good vision of how strong addiction is, right? Nobody wants to drown. And a lot and a lot of addicts don't want to use, but that part of the brain takes back over. So this means again, there's nothing you're going to say that's going to change, right? It's only able to live, not hear, not redirect, not think. Looking at it from this perspective will allow you guys to respond with better knowledge and more power. In yourself and ultimately, hopefully with them. Knowing what you know now about the brain and how it gains power in your loved one's brains, you can engage from a different angle. You can stop being angry and frustrated at their behavior and look at it from a more scientific point of view. First of all, that is liberating for you. To be angry, frustrated, upset, yelling, that's just a crappy way to live and we've all done it for too long. So I want you to take from this that that doesn't serve a purpose. Once you understand that the pleasure pathway has been hijacked, since the only reward the addiction responds to is the addictive substance or process, you now know you should change the way you're engaging with them and it. Stop being angry, frustrated, become more empathetic and more understanding. You can learn And this takes a little practice. Got that? You can learn to listen, watch, stop trying to control and manage. You can learn to wait for statements of despair and respond with acknowledgement. All right? What I mean by that is to listen to what they're actually saying and respond only to that with no agenda attached. So don't engage with lies. When you know that's the addiction is talking, don't engage. Don't challenge the veracity of statements. Don't challenge truth. The reason not to do these things is that you are only talking to the addiction at that point, and it's a waste of time. Okay? Can't think logically or truthfully. Get a couple of quick, easy comebacks to get out of these conversations. My favorite is, you may be right. And then just kind of shrug your shoulder like that, walk outta the room, or change the subject. Don't engage. You're just gonna pull yourself into angry, frustrated land again. To no avail, for no purpose. All right. So this is gonna require non-intuitive thinking. And I talk about non-intuitive parenting all the time, but non-intuitive thinking is the same thing. Non-intuitive thinking is to no longer protect, control, manage, or make their lives easier. This is the opposite of what most people's instinctive communication style is. It does not work. With addiction at all, ever. With non-intuitive relating, you allow the problems to pan out. You don't jump in to fix or smooth things over. You don't lie for them. You kindly, nicely just let things fall apart and then wait for them to say something like, I'm screwed. I'm in trouble. I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere to live. I don't have any money. I I don't have a car. I can't get a job. I'm about to be fired. I just got a DUI. My wife is gonna leave me. Then even then, do not jump into talking about treatment or even getting sober. Use my empowerment triangle. Empathize with that. Validate that that must be a crappy place to feel and say, what could you do? How do you wanna change this? Use some motivational interviewing. That must feel terrible. So you're not willing to, so what are you gonna do? Nothing. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm probably gonna just let my wife leave me. Okay. So you're gonna let your wife leave you and your 5 children and you're gonna go live in an apartment while they live in your $5 million house overdrinking. Is that what I'm hearing? Yep. Okay. All right. So that's what you're gonna do. And you just sort of let them, cuz that's a moronic statement. When they hear it out loud, they're like, well, that's stupid. Let them breadcrumb them. Okay, this is, this is important. Let them breadcrumb themselves to the right thing. Meet them where they are. You can shine a light on what they could do or who they are, but don't force or suggest anything for them to change. Ask questions that could breadcrumb them toward the answer. Say things like, sounds like you're pretty desperate. What do you think needs to change? What are you willing to do to feel better? Can you imagine what it would like if you did feel better? Ask those questions. And if they shut you down, just say, oh, all right, well, that's just food for thought. And you change the subject. Do not overwater. Then follow their lead. You might be right, might be worth investigating. Let me know if I can help. Don't overwater the seed that you're trying to plant very, very carefully. They may backpedal and they probably will, but the less you push, the more they will get To where you want them to be sooner. Remember, you're playing a long game here, guys. Intuitive thinking is all about the short game. Let me tell you what to do. Let me fix your problem. Let me do it for you. Non-intuitive requires patience and tolerance. And that's why I want you to look at it from, this is what's happening in their brain. These are defense mechanisms. These are thinking errors. There's no point in me engaging now. That's just fruitless. So let me just wait until I get a moment where engagement would be slightly more profitable. So what I hope is that this video has given you a different look into their brains, how they're functioning, which is gonna allow you to think about addiction differently and engage with it better in a kinder, gentler way for yourself and ultimately get you where you wanna go. I'm all about living a more peaceful life, and that involves a tremendous amount of having perspective. And I think this perspective on addiction will hopefully help you guys feel better while you wait to see what's gonna happen, if this person's gonna define unmanageability and ask for help. So hope the perspective thing, take that with you and sort of just think, am I, am I going at it wrong or should I go at it differently? All right, that's it for that topic. Let's see if we have any questions. All right, we do have one from Deirdre. Hi Campbell, my son is 19 months sober and clean today. Thanks. But my 66-year-old brother is homeless again and sending sad Dramatic voicemails or mail emails, I guess, from the library every day. Thoughts on keeping connection without getting roped in? Also, I just feel triggered and sad for him. Okay, well, that's fair. I think the fact that he's sending these, if they're sad and dramatic, maybe these are some of your moments, Deirdre, of the despair that I was talking about earlier, which is now I'm he's waving a flag that I'm open. But you gotta be super careful not to like get in there. So use that empowerment triangle. I'm sorry that you feel like this way. This, it must feel terrible. Do you have any ideas of what you could do to feel differently? Sort of just go at it softly like that and ask some questions. If he, if he comes back with, yeah, it does feel terrible. I hate it. I really don't know what to do. Then you can start to ask some questions that might let him See the light at the end of the tunnel, but you need to let him crawl through that tunnel on his own pace. Do not drag him through that tunnel. And if he shuts down, whatever, just sit back and wait. He'll send some more emails when he's more open. So I think that's a good example of you've got a little bit of a window, and I would give it a whirl gently to see if you can get the window a little wider. All right. I don't know who this is. He tells me that he says, tells me that he says he isn't the monster I think he is and won't take accountability. I just stay quiet. I don't know what to say to something like that. Well, that's a thinking error right there. It's that says minimizing it. It's not that bad. You're labeling me falsely and you just say you might be right like that. Do not engage. That is, that is a closed window. Right there, that he's not open for any kind of conversation about change. So just say, you might be right. All right, Leah. My husband is spiraling and I'm hearing a bit of change talk. It's exhausting waiting for things to come to the surface for him. Yep. The long game is exhausting. Do I keep my 10-year-old child in the dark about what's really happening? How do I talk to her about it or at all? She's noticing things. So that's a tricky question. 10-year-olds are, I mean, she's noticing. You don't wanna ignore it. You don't have to go into the graphic details. You don't have to throw dad under the bus. Definitely don't label, name call, but you wanna explain it in a way that she can understand, which is you understand. First of all, you wanna make her feel safe. So you wanna validate that there is a problem, you are aware of it, and that you Have a strategy to deal with it. Kids just basically need to know that they're going to be okay or safe. But I also would say, "Do you have any questions about what's going on?" And then I would answer that question. Don't overtalk. Like it's like talking about sex to children. You answer the questions they give you. You don't go straight to the whole how it happens. But I would definitely not keep her in the dark. I would let I would open the conversation with what do you think's happening? How do you feel about what's happening? What can I do to make you feel better about? What's happening? That kind of conversation. Let her guide it with your questions or let her steer it with your questions, but I wouldn't ignore it. That's where my ex is. He's in denial about the drugs, claims he can pick it up and put it down at any time. Cracks his drug of choice. Yeah. So that's denial. And the drinking is a bargaining. Okay, maybe I won't do crack as much as I would like to, or as much I have in the past, but I'll drink more. And that can be subliminal, it could be subconscious, like not an overt decision. But addiction, it loves to swap out like that, right? Because I can feel better because I'm not drinking bourbon, I'm just drinking light beer. But dopamine is dopamine is dopamine in the brain. The brain cannot discern the difference between light beer and meth. The only thing it can discern is the number of chemicals that come in for meth are way higher than come in for light beer. So then we get into the math problem that really causes addiction, which is it's a brain disease because for all these extra chemicals that are coming in, the brain is creating homes for them, neuroreceptors. Those neuroreceptors are what I keep talking about, live in that survival part of the brain. And that's when the pleasure pathway gets hijacked. So My guess is I would let that happen. It's not going to stick. I don't think it's going to be a sustainable plan, and he'll probably go back to the crack. If he has any change talk in, I'm not going to do the crack, or I'm definitely trying to cut back, say that sounds great. And if you notice it's creeping back up, you could super gently, super kindly say something like, I know that you were really focused on not doing the crack as much, and I'm I'm just wondering if you're noticing that might be creeping back in, and if that's bothering you. Like that's super gentle. That's not saying, "Look, you SOB! I know you're doing crack more, and you're a liar and a thief, and I'm just done." Like just you really have to go in just like you're the counselor. You just can't go in like the spouse or the parent with this need to just jump on it, stop it. And fix it. You have to go in with, I'm gonna let this person blow up a little bit. I'm gonna recognize and validate it, and then I'm gonna offer some solutions and different ways to look at their problems so they can pick the one they want to do. You will kind of want to go at it like that. So you can say, this is what I've noticed. I'm wondering if you've noticed it, and then see where the conversation goes because no, you're crazy. Just like maybe. And there's your, there's your, your window got closed. But that swapping of addictions is amazingly prevalent. How do I support my alcoholic husband when he's in IOP? Good question. We talked about this yesterday in the membership, as a matter of fact. When they're in IOP, your job is to let them go every night or whenever they're going 3, 4 times a week for the 3 hours and not Bitch about who's feeding the children, watering the yard, like while he's gone. Like you just give him the permission in your own little head that he's gonna be gone and not available to help or support you and plan your life around that. The other is he may not talk; he may not share that, and I don't know whether that's shame or privacy, and just respect that. If just you can say, "How was it?" And if he says, "Fine," and that's your answer, then that's your answer. If you said something like. I'm just curious, like, what do you guys talk about? And he says, I don't know, or whatever, leave it. But it might open the door that he talks about whatever they're talking about in IOP. Most people that want to talk about something will bring it up themselves and they'll weave it into conversation naturally. Also, you might wanna prepare yourself that he won't like it, that the addiction will say, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? This thing is not, this is not our friend. This is not perpetuating myself. I'm gonna start to find fault with this thing. I'm gonna start to bitch about the people that are running it or the other people in it, or use some thinking ears. Everyone else is terrible in there. I'm the only one that's got a handle on this. Listen for those things. You're not gonna talk him into staying. You're not gonna bully him into staying. You're just gonna cause more conflict. So you could say if he starts to do that and you can just see it's coming, You could say, "I get that. I can understand where that's frustrating or whatever. But have you thought about what else you could do in lieu of that? Have you thought about what you could do to support your goal, which is why you're in IOP, of getting sober?" So if you think about that, then maybe dropping out of IOP is a good idea. If you do that, maybe they won't drop out. Maybe they'll figure out some other things to do, or maybe they won't. And now we're Probably looking at a relapse of some, to some degree. But you just gotta kind of watch. IOP is generally not a great level of care as the only treatment. It is a wonderful level of care for pretreatment or to acknowledge that we need more levels, more scaffolding to keep me sober than this. And it is a great thing to do after treatment as sort of the scaffolding coming out of 30 days of treatment or whatever, it's a great thing to come out of that. So be prepared that might not be the correct level of care, but it's not gonna be harmful. It's, there's still information going in, whether I'm learning something or I'm learning that this isn't the right level of care. It's still okay. All right. I know my daughter knows something is going on. She shuts down and pretends she doesn't know. Things are very hard around the home and something is happening with daddy. She won't outwardly talk about it. If I ask a question, it's I don't know. So do I bring it up? I'm thinking. Yeah, just a tiny bit more. Maybe say something like, well, what do you what do you think is going on? Or what is your brain telling you is happening? Or how are you feeling about what's going on? Whether you can name it or not. See if you can get her to talk a little bit more about what she thinks and what she feels versus what he's doing and the tense tenseness in the house. Also, as hard as this is, try to make it a little bit easier in the home if you can, so that she feels a little bit better. But again, kids need to know that they're safe. So whether she can talk about it, verbalize it, you can say. I know there's a problem and dad and I are working on it and you're gonna be fine. Okay? Cuz no matter which way this is gonna go, she's gonna be fine. Maybe not perfect, but she'll be fine. So I would try a little bit more, but then I would just go in with a, you're gonna be fine tactic and say, you're always welcome to come and talk to me about this at any point in time. No such thing as a stupid question. I'm here for you, sweetie. And let it go at that. Don't force it. Unfortunately, helped him build his business website. I need to take it down since it's enabling. How do I avoid being punished for that or him taking a really horrible action against me? Is it really enabling to leave the website up? Don't have any specifics on this topic, but it's up. I don't think having a website or not having a website's gonna keep sobriety in place. So you could just leave it, but just don't— just say, I'm not, I can't work with you anymore. This makes me uncomfortable, or I'm not willing to support this anymore, but don't take it down, which would be an act of aggression, but just let it just naturally unfold. Again, I don't know what I'm talking about, so I might give different advice if I knew more details on that. So you might benefit from an individual So people can like specifically help you with the problem that you have. All right, perfect timing. We are out of questions and we are right at 30 minutes. So high five. All right guys, I hope this was helpful. Really try to look at how you're viewing this. Change your perspective, change the way you feel and how you're interacting with it. All right, we'll see you next week. Bye.