In this monologue from the Dad Starting Over podcast, the host opens with a promotion for the Help for Men Brotherhood, a support community for men dealing with loneliness, divorce, and rebuilding their lives. He then delves into what he calls the “scarcity” mindset—men’s belief that there are few viable romantic options for them, often rooted in perceived deficiencies in looks, money, or social status. The speaker explains how this scarcity feeling fuels resentment toward women who either remove themselves from the dating pool (e.g., proclaiming independence) or who are highly sexually experienced. He critiques the double‑standard that men react angrily to both extremes, arguing that a true sense of abundance would make such reactions irrelevant. The host shares anecdotes of men who, despite warning signs, fall in love with women who later reveal hidden histories (e.g., past promiscuity, family issues) that lead to relationship breakdowns. He emphasizes that love often blinds men to red flags and that expecting an “angel” partner is unrealistic. To mitigate the risk of “Miss Wrong,” he suggests practical strategies: investigate a partner’s family background, meet people through shared‑interest communities (e.g., churches, hobby clubs), and align dating venues with one’s personality. He also discusses the broader impact of hyper‑promiscuity on future relationship stability for both genders, noting that excessive past sexual activity can signal potential problems, though it is not a guarantee of failure. The conversation touches on alternative relationship models, such as non‑strict sexual monogamy, acknowledging that some men pursue arrangements where a primary partner tolerates side relationships. Throughout, the tone remains advisory, mixing empathy for men feeling scarce with a critical lens on both societal expectations and personal choices. The segment concludes by reinforcing the value of community support through the Help for Men Brotherhood.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. I did a video on— men kind of have this— it may not be like an overt sense of scarcity in relationships, but it's kind of like an almost unconscious thing. And it kind of colors their, their behavior in a lot of different ways. And one way is, um, let's back up. What do I mean by the scarcity thing? So a man feels like he doesn't have many options, whether it's for casual sexual relationships, whether it's for long-term relationships, anything in between. He feels like, I— there's just not many options out there for me. And men convince themselves of this because it's via my looks, it's via my lack of money, it's what my social status, whatever it may be. I just don't— there's just not much out there for me. Ladies no likey me, right? That's what the guys think. And they take that energy and they go online and they talk to other men, are like, yeah, me too. And they get mutually angry with each other. And then they will sure enough get online, see some video by some woman somewhere. I always use like Kathy from Nebraska, you know, just some random middle of nowhere woman saying like, I don't need men, I'm happy with me and my cats, or whatever. And these men get pissed off. And I'm always like, what the heck's going on, guys? Why are you so mad at some woman who says, I'm off the market? Then she's just not, you know, potential mate material for you. Big deal, you know, who cares? And, uh, and then on the other end of the spectrum, some woman's like, I slept with 500 men. Men get super pissed at that too. And I'm like, guys, if that's what she wants to do, that's what she wants to do. So what? She's not a potential mate for you, it sounds like. Sounds like you'd prefer somebody who doesn't have so much sexual experience, sexual experience. Then leave her be. Let her do her thing. She's off the market as far as you're concerned. What's the big deal? And I think it's a big deal for guys who have that innate sense of scarcity. Like, there's literally only so many women to go around. And when they watch the women come off the market, so to speak, you know, take themselves off the table, they get pissed. Like, no, no, where are you going? So when they see a woman acting very promiscuous, like, I don't know why you act— oh man, you've disappointed me, woman. You're supposed to be better than that. You're a woman. It's very pedestalization of women, isn't it? Or a woman that takes herself off the market, men will, you know, viscerally get angry and you're going to be depressed and you're going to end up alone, dying alone with 12 cats and everything else. And I'm like, guys, who gives a shit? Just let these women go. If you have a very real sense of abundance, we tend not to care about that kind of stuff. Men that do well in the sexual and relationship world are just like, whatever, have fun, sister. More power to you, whatever, I don't care. But a lot of men care. Well, too much so. It gets a little scary. And some men came back to me after I made videos about that saying, well, here's the deal, dude. They're like, I get it, but here's the deal. We are wanting long-term relationship material. And these women are falsely advertising themselves as such. Type of material. So let's say you got a gal who had a really huge party stage up until she's 30 years of age, and let's say she slept with 500 individuals. And these men are like, uh, right off the bat, I do not want to be with somebody who was sexually promiscuous in the past for insert reasons, right? Religious, moral, physical health reason, whatever it may be. And then, uh, he meets this gal and she either overtly or kind of subversively advertises, "I'm not that way. I'm pretty sedate and boring when it comes to that kind of stuff. I have very little relationship experience. Don't worry about that." And the guy's like, "Phew, good, cool." And he devotes a lot of time, attention, love, emotion, and yes, maybe even the monetary stuff, money, to a woman who he thinks is, you know, a certain way. But then she tell— then he later finds out potentially years down the line, oh shit, she was this other way. And that usually comes out in the form of some kind of blow-up later in life. She cheats, like what Chris talked about here earlier. She abandons the family and the husband and runs off with some guy and ends up back and forth, back— crazy stuff, substance abuse or whatever. And here's the thing, I hear from these guys all the time, Ralph Brewer, it came out of nowhere, I'm telling you, this woman was an angel. I'm like, okay, so let's stop, pause for a moment, tell me about her mom and dad. Usually this results in like 10 minutes of laughter on the guy's part, and he's like, yeah, you got me. It's like, it was that simple. There was always, always, always, always, I'm telling you 100% of the time, something in this woman's background, something in her story along the way of getting to know her, the timeline of their relationship, this man usually has a lot of moments that make him go, "Ooh, what was that?" But he dutifully goes right around them or jumps over them and ignores and keeps on going because he's in love. That's basically what these guys are saying is, when I fall in love, I overlook a lot of stuff, and it would be nice to know that I don't have to worry about overlooking stuff. It would be nice to know if just right off the bat she was an angel, then I wouldn't have to worry about red flags and everything else. Well, guys, that's not real life. The real life is that you're going to fall in love with people and you're going to convince yourself, like, I think this may be the one, and they may very well disappoint you. That's life. Been there, done that, and it sucks. And so question is then, well, how are some ways to kind of minimize the chances of that, mitigate, you know, these chances of meeting Miss Wrong? Um, there, there are some people that say take a look at the family. There are some people that say if you're a, um, oh, a religious person, go to church and meet them, or whatever your— some kind of social aspect to it. I prefer people that are in into this and not into that, well then go to wherever those people are, so to speak. So, you know, I've had some people that are like, uh, I'm kind of an introverted nerdy kind of guy. I'm not into the party scene or whatever. Then don't go to clubs to pick up women. That's not your style. That's not you. Go to Lego building clubs, which are going to be 99.9% men, let's be honest. But then in turn, that may lead you to make social connections with people and eventually find somebody that's more up your alley. Backing up though, does a woman who's been very promiscuous in her past always guarantee that there are going to be relationship issues in the future? No, not always. Um, does a hyper-promiscuous, hypersexual past point to potential problems? Yeah, probably. I mean, let's be honest. And by the way, that goes for men or women. I know a lot of men hearing that go, no, hold on, dude. No, no, we're not immune to this. Um, I know plenty of men who have very hyper-promiscuous pasts. They're trying to get validation and trying to fill a void, no pun intended, with all these women. And then later in life they go, what am I doing? This is nuts. I've slept with 600 women. What am I trying to prove to myself? I need to stop this nonsense. All I'm doing is meeting crazy and I need to settle down. And then they get with a woman and invariably the relationship kind of bores them. They're just like, where's the excitement? Where's the fun? Where's the sleeping with 3 different women in 1 week? Where's it? Now I'm, it's been 3 weeks, I haven't had anything. And my wife has just kind of turned into a mom and given up on us. And this sucks. Those men tend not to do very well in marriage. And in case we made women maybe wired kind of the same way and maybe in a different way, maybe in a different kind of not so good way, don't know. But you know, I think to take the hyper progressive mindset of it has absolutely zero impact on your ability ability, you know, to maintain a healthy monogamous relationship in the future, I think it's a little short-sighted. I think it's a little progressive for the sake of being progressive, and it's not. And we all need to be honest with each other. Yeah, it may have an effect. I may have gotten to the point where I expect a really sexy, fun relationship. Uh, some people are really upfront about it, like, I want a monogamous relationship, but not strictly sexually monogamous. I've heard some guys going down that route. I want to be with a woman who's going to be okay with me eventually kind of having girlfriends on the side. It's like, okay, dude, if you could find a woman who's up for that, I guess more power to you. That's kind of the exception to the rule, I would think. But some of those relationships exist for sure. All kinds of different ways to skin a cat in this relationship game.
