Sexless Marriage... So I Stopped Initiating. She Didn't Notice.

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting.

6 months ago, Guy made a decision. He was tired of being the one to do all the work. He was tired of being the one to always pursue, the one to always reach out. Eventually you start to feel like, what, kind of like a simp, a sucker. Eventually you get tired of being the only one that seems to care about the relationship. And so the guy just stops, stops putting in the effort. No big speech, no big dramatic moment. And what does the guy do? He sits back and he waits. Let's see what she does. In a way, he was testing her. In his mind, he's thinking like, she's gonna notice this and this will help turn things around.

And you know what?

It's been 6 months and nothing has changed. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Let's talk about it. In the email I got today from Mr. Gregory here, he says, Ralph Brewer, 44 years old, been married for 16 years, 2 kids. My wife is 42. So about 6 months ago, I stopped trying to have sex with my wife, like completely. No reaching over in bed, no flirting, no nothing. I didn't say anything to her about it. I just did it to see what would happen. The reason I did it is because I'm just tired, man. For years I have been the one always trying, always me. I would reach over and she'd say she was tired or her back hurt or whatever, and then a couple of days later I'd try again. And the same thing. I felt stupid, like a kid asking for candy at the store and getting told no over and over. And so I thought, I'm done. I'll stop. Let's see if she even notices. Let's see if she ever comes to me for once. It's been almost 6 months and she hasn't said anything. Not one thing. She hasn't asked me about it. She hasn't seemed worried.

Nothing.

We're honestly fine in every other way. We still kiss before work. We eat dinner with the kids. We laugh at the same shows. From the outside, you would think that we have a good marriage, but there's no sex at all. And now there's not even me trying anymore. And she doesn't even care. Or at least she hasn't said anything about it. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought she would notice and she would ask me what was wrong, or she would come find me or anything. I thought I'd feel good about it, like I was finally not chasing her anymore, but I don't feel good. I just feel like she doesn't see me. I don't know what to do now. Do I say something? Do I keep waiting? Is the marriage over and I'm the only one who doesn't know it? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks, Greg. All right, Greg, thank you so very much for writing in, brother. I do appreciate it. I know that's not easy for a lot of guys, so thanks a lot for trusting your story with bald stranger on the internet and all of our viewers here. But I'm gonna be straight with you, like I am with every guy in these kind of situations. I'm not gonna bullshit you. What you did there, that wasn't a test necessarily. That's how you framed it. Kind of like a way to make you feel better. It's a manly thing. A lot of us guys look at everything in life as kind of a test. Boss said a certain thing to you, you know, how do we respond to that? That's a test. The life has given you some kind of major obstacle. How do we overcome it? The wife is shitty to you. How do you know she's testing you to see what kind of man you are, et cetera, et cetera. This was not a test of yours towards her. This, my friend, was a big wave, a big flag of surrender dressed up as a test. I'm not saying that to be cruel. I'm not trying to kick a man while he's down. But dude, I've seen this scenario, this exact scenario, like thousands of times at this point. You know, over a decade of doing this. Word for word, I've heard this story. Everything's fine except for the sex. So I thought I would pull the sex away and goddammit, she doesn't even seem to notice. This isn't like a strategy on your part. Basically what you're doing is withdrawing. You feel hurt, so you withdraw. This is a very normal human thing. But what you've done is you've dressed it up as kind of a power move on your part. This is a really manly thing, damn it, to do. She doesn't want me. I don't want her either, and I'm going to pull away. It doesn't work, dude. Her not noticing that you are no longer pursuing her, that is, I guess you could think of it as the loudest thing in the room right now. I've talked about in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, that the opposite of love is not hate. It is what? Indifference. When somebody hates you and they're really lashing out at you and they're really angry at you, it shows that there's still some emotion in the tank there, so to speak. In their mind, there is something there that is worth reacting to, something to get mad about. But indifference is just the opposite. It's just like you're not even there. The show is over, dude, and she's just changing the channel. That's kind of an old school way of looking at this. I'm showing my age here. Your little pursuing her, your little initiations of physical and emotional love and affection and everything, those weren't something that she was ever really looking forward to. It's nothing that she enjoyed. In fact, probably just the opposite. So your withdrawal from her in that way is probably actually making her life a little easier. It's less stressful to her. The absence of your pursuing feels like a relief. I'm sorry to say. She may actually be more comfortable in her own skin and in your relationship now than what she was 6 months ago. The reality is for most guys in these situations, her emotional and physical investment in you, if you wanna look at it that way, that ran out like a long time ago, way before your big withdrawal power move. So let's look at specifically why this withdrawal test of yours, why it fails, all you guys watching this that have tried the same thing. Why didn't this work? Because your withdrawal comes from the wrong place. You didn't withdraw out of a sense of self-love. You didn't withdraw because you respect yourself too much to keep doing what it is you're doing. If your withdrawal, so to speak, comes from that headspace, that's a completely different thing. When you're pursuing somebody and pursuing somebody and they're like, no, no, no, and you're like, what am I doing, you know, pursuing somebody who doesn't want me? I guess I'll go over here instead. That's a— that is a powerful thing. That is something that a person who respects and loves themselves, that's what they do. But instead, what you're doing is, gosh darn it, she's still the boss. She's still the one in charge. She's still the one that holds all the cards in this relationship. I'm gonna see what the boss does when I stop doing this. Not good, dude. You are still measuring your worth based upon what it is that she does.

And you know what?

She can smell that a mile away. Everyone can. The script of your life, everything except for the sexual, loving, romantic part, is exactly the same. You're still the same dude doing the same dishes and the same chores, going to the same job, coming home, hunting hours your day. Everything else is the same except for that one little part that you love so much, that you want so much, that she could give two shits about. This is not just some major transformational thing on your part, you know, that's a really powerful thing. What it is is basically a guy that is drowning himself. You're holding yourself underwater and you're hoping that your wife comes to your rescue and she doesn't even notice that you're gone. Greg, you said something important in your message here, that you feel invisible. I hear that all the time from guys. You don't necessarily feel invisible just because you can't get into your wife's pants. That's a part of it, but basically You feel invisible because you keep showing up day after day doing the same stuff, the same job. Your role in this life movie of yours is the guy who keeps everything running smooth. The kids are fed, the bills are paid, there's a roof over your head. All that stuff is going just fine. But despite all of these efforts, despite you carrying out your role and doing your part just fine, your wife, who seems to be, let's be honest, kind of the director of this movie, she sat back and watched you in this role and said, eh, not good enough, not enough for me to give you a raise, so to speak, or to reward you with love and affection. So all the things that have become a very integral part of basically everything to do with your role in this relationship, the boss over there says, I don't give a shit. And because the boss lady there doesn't like you anymore, you feel like less and less of a dude. All these efforts that you're putting in mean nothing. Nobody sees them, so to speak. So you feel invisible. You have put the entire weight of your sense of self-worth on the shoulders of a woman. The woman who quite a while ago said, "I don't really like you that much anymore, dude." So no wonder you feel invisible. It's like this perfect storm or this vicious circle of events where she was attracted to, let's say, version 1 of you. And by virtue of some of her behavior, by virtue of age and time and stress and everything else, you slowly but surely morph into version 2 of yourself, and her attraction to you has naturally started waning over time. And you get to version 2, and she's just like, I feel nothing towards this guy. A lot of that is not necessarily your fault. Some of it is, let's be honest. Hey, we're dudes, we want to take accountability, right? And so here you are caught in this vicious circle of, I'm version number 2, why doesn't she like me? Damn it, she used to like me in version number 1, but I can't go back to version number 1 because I'm older and time and everything else. And she doesn't have the energy to articulate exactly what it is that she wants because frankly, she probably doesn't even know. What it is that she wants. And so you feel very stuck. Again, you are gauging everything. You are measuring everything by her reaction to you, to version number 2 of you, when in fact you should be doing a lot of the stuff that you did in version 1 of you anyway, with or without a wife. Because honestly, you were probably physically healthier as well as mentally healthier than that old version of her. But you allowed her and all of her negative actions and indifference towards you to chip away at that old guy. And now here you are. By the way, dude, you are not alone. Raising my hand here, that was me as well, which is precisely why I've written all these books and why I've created the Brotherhood, the support community for men only. You can learn more at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world getting together in live meetings, private forums. We get together in person, all kinds of cool stuff. Check it out, the Brotherhood at help4men.com. Here's what I want you to do, Greg, and all the rest of you who are dealing with this. Don't bring it up to her. I know that's what your Mr. Nice Guy self, your codependent self— let's go there— I know that's what you want to do. You want to run to her and say, let me explain everything that's been going on. Let me tell you what's going on in my head. Please fix this, wife. Don't do it. You, if you want to put it in really blunt kind of negotiating business terms, you have no leverage here. You have no power in this negotiation. Your marriage was hollow, nothing for years, and you have removed yourself from it or removed your pursuing from that equation. So what? As I said, she's been getting along fine without you. So this isn't going to have the sting and the impact that you think it will. What you do is the actual work, going back to the version 1 of Mr. Greg. Let's start with the really shallow stuff, the physical stuff. If you've put on a lot of weight, if you become very blah and out of shape and you stop moving your body, it's time to change. Lose that excess weight, start moving your body. You know what happens? Not only do you feel better physically and you look better physically and people notice, that's a positive, right? But you also feel better mentally and emotionally. It's funny, the anxiety starts going down, the confidence starts going up. And what I've told a lot of guys in this case is, it's funny, as your confidence goes up and your sense of security goes up, your patience for bullshit goes way down, which goes along with the next step, which is stop hovering over her. Stop, you know, being so needy and just weighing her down with all of your needs. I know you removed yourself from her and you stopped pursuing. In a way, that is a good thing if it comes from the right kind of headspace, which is, I've been rejected, message received, I will redirect my energy elsewhere. So it's time to do that. Redirect your energy elsewhere to positive things. What about your community? What about friends? What about those hobbies that you used to do in version 1 of yourself? Get to it, man. Get you back again. Get your life back again. Get your spine back again. Or as a lot of people say, get your balls back, dude. Which means that when she says something potentially disrespectful, if she's an asshole, call her out on it. Hey, stop it. I don't talk to you that way. What are you doing talking to me that way? What's going on with you? That's a man who is strong. It's time to flex that muscle a little bit more. All of these efforts, the physical, the emotional, the putting up boundaries, saying what you will and will not put up with and following through with it, it may have a very positive impact on your relationship. You may have a wife who— this happens every now and then, guys. I know there's gonna be a lot of guys in the comments saying, "Oh, hell no, dude. Just run for your life." Once in a blue moon, Every now and then, I don't know what percentage of the time, 10, 15% of the time, the woman says, "You know what, dude?" She may not overtly notice what it is that you're doing. She may subconsciously notice. She may say, "I see the direction of this relationship, the temperature of this relationship changing in you specifically, husband. So I have more energy and a reason to shift along with you." It's like she comes along for the ride. That's a very positive outcome. And that's what you want, right? Or this may reveal a lot about her and about your relationship, which is even if you are the most emotionally healthy, physically healthy, mission-driven, kind, sweet, but tough boundary-having individual, she still may not want anything to do with you. And you know what? That is okay. With or without her, you want to be a mentally healthy, strong individual that can stand on his own two feet. No more of this bullshit of my wife doesn't like me, therefore my life is ruined. No, it's not. She is one individual. Don't give her all that power over your everything. What's funny is this dead bedroom situation can be looked at as kind of your rock bottom moment where it calls into question everything about you. I know you love her to death and you wanted to grow old with her, but she may very well— chances are say, "Don't like you anymore, dude. Get the hell away from me," which is in essence what you are going to rediscover or finally wake up to after so many years of being rejected. It's like, "Wow, I think my wife dumped me a long time ago." For many of you, yes, she did, and she has every right to do so. And you have every right to say, "Message received. I'm going to go in this direction." shake hands and go your separate ways. That is not inevitable. That is not 100% of the situations, but it's the majority of the time. Not because there's no fixing this or whatever, but because what? Your relationship, if you look back with 20/20 vision, you will realize your relationship was founded on a very faulty ground to begin with. She was a very broken little girl who became a very broken woman. And you were a very broken little boy who became a very broken man. And yes, you two found each other and you created this very broken union. And here you are. So Greg and others, put the work in.

You're worth it.

And don't forget, you don't have to do this all alone. Just raise your hand, say, "A little help here." And guess what? Hundreds of men will come to your aid. Check out the brotherhood at help4men.com/join. You can keep running all these little quiet tests with your wife. You can wait for Mommy to rescue you as you keep trying to tread water at the deep end of the pool. Or you can start putting in the work yourself and rebuilding yourself into the man that you were meant to be, with or without your spouse. Guys, thank you so much for watching. I do appreciate it. And for those listening in on the podcast, I appreciate you as well. Give me a like, give me a follow, subscribe, however the hell it works. Wherever you're watching this, I would appreciate it. Thank you so very much. We'll catch you on the next one.