Sexless Marriage... She Stopped Hugging Me Too

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Some of you get to the point where you realize, you know what, it's not just the sex that is missing. That's not the big important thing here. It's just that everything is missing as far as our romantic relationship is concerned. We don't touch, we don't hug, we don't give those little kisses hello and goodbye. We don't snuggle next to each other on the couch. We don't do any of that. That realization that the overall tone of the romance and relationship is just gone, that hits a little bit differently than saying we just don't do the old in and out in the bedroom anymore. Because the dead bedroom or sexless marriage thing can be explained away in a lot of different ways. She could just be tired, she could be perimenopausal, the kids could be be driving her nuts, she may not feel well, etc., etc. But when all the connection, all the loving and romantic connection in a relationship is just gone, that's something else entirely. I got an email from a guy named Mike, and here's what he says: Ralph, I've been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids, a decent house, and from the outside everything looks fine. Heard that one a few times. My wife and I do not fight much. We don't fight at all, actually. I used to tell myself the dead bedroom was the problem. If I could just fix that, everything else would fall into place. But sometime in the last year, I started paying attention to all the other stuff that was gone too, and honestly, that hit me harder than the no sex thing. She doesn't hug me anymore, not a real one. If I go in for a hug, she kind of pats me on the back like I'm a co-worker and steps away. We don't hold hands. We haven't kissed, actually kissed, in I don't even know how long. A peck on the lips maybe once in a while, but that's it. No warmth behind it. The other night I sat down next to her on the couch, not trying anything. I just sat down next to my wife and she shifted. She moved a little to the left. She created space. I don't even think she knew that she did it, but I noticed. This was the moment that I realized this isn't just a sex problem. I could probably handle the sex problem if everything else was still there. What I can't handle is feeling like a stranger in our own house, like she just tolerates me. She's not mean. She's not checked out of being a mom. She's a great mom, but she checked out of being my wife a long time ago, and I'm just now fully seeing it. I keep going back and forth on whether to say something or just keep doing my thing and hope it changes. I don't know what I'm hoping you tell me. I guess I just needed someone to say this out loud to. Mike, I appreciate you sending this in, but I want to be straight with you. What you're describing is not the typical from what I hear from guys. I usually get from guys like a dead bedroom story, but yours isn't just a dead bedroom story. Yours is a dead marriage story. I'm not saying this is all over, dude. You just need to pack a bag and call the attorney and phone it in, dude. No, what I'm saying is call it out for what it is. Be honest with yourself, man. This is not good. But what most guys do in your position is they minimize things and they point at the wrong thing. They point at the bedroom. They're over there looking at articles on how to get your wife back in the mood, how to plan better date nights, how to reconnect romantically. All of this work in an effort to what? Reignite the physical passion and sex within the marriage. And they're all missing the other stuff like Mike here noticed. The little incident on the couch that Mike noticed where he sits down next to the wife and the wife just instinctively moves away, that can be construed into several different ways. One is which your wife is at baseline, at a very basic level, physically repulsed by you. The lack of sex and the lack of any kind of other affection, they are related, but they're not the same thing. There are plenty of guys, believe it or not, that I talk to who have an otherwise loving relationship. They kiss, they embrace, they snuggle on the couch, they have long talks, all that stuff, but they just can't cross the bridge into the erotic side of things, for lack of a better word. But for Mike and guys like Mike, what you're seeing is just the overall affection in any way, shape, or form is just gone. That's, in my mind, even worse. You are looking at a much deeper level of disconnection. She is not participating in the relationship anymore. She is not active in the maintaining, the cultivating, the watering and feeding of the relationship. She's just existing side by side with you. Nothing more. It's a hard thing to say that your wife has just completely checked out of a relationship. It's kind of something hard to face, but I think it's something that a lot of you are probably realizing, hence why you clicked on this video. Kudos to Mike and others like Mike. You have a sense of awareness. It may take you a while to get there. Maybe like, could be years of certain behavior and finally you go, wait a minute, this isn't good. But at least you're there. Awareness is huge. You are noticing a complete lack of attraction, physical connection, warmth. And a lot of guys hearing this, what they will say in response to a story like Mike's, and just wait, you'll see it in the comments in the video down below, wherever it is you're watching this, is that a lot of guys will say, when you get to that point, when it's gone like that, there ain't no coming back. It's just gone for good. I and others will contend, not so fast. The chances of you turning this around and coming back they're not necessarily in your favor, but not all hope is gone. I have seen guys who have endured a relationship where it's at a point which is way worse than what Mike is experiencing here. I have seen those guys turn it around completely, believe it or not. And for those guys, I can say unequivocally, it's not based upon what he says necessarily. It's not based on going to couples counseling alone and then everything just magically turns around. No, It's based upon the actions that guys like Mike take, what he does at this point going forward. If you are in this position, a position like Mike's, and you're saying, man, I just, I feel like I'm alone in this. I feel like there's no hope here. I don't know what the hell to do. May I suggest the Brotherhood, our private support community for men only. You can learn more at going to help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world going through the exact same thing. Join us. We would love to see you in our next member meeting. Now back to Mike. Let's talk about what is going on under the surface, shall we? A lot of men say the same thing that Mike said here. Man, she's a great mom. She's not mean. She's not an asshole. She just seems to be really disconnected from me. And a lot of guys have a very difficult time reconciling the two. Here is something that a lot of guys, you need to hammer into your head. A lot of your wives out there can love you as the father to their children, as their partner, you know, going through life with, as the logistical manager of the home, as their co-parent, if you will. But as far as what you want for her to see you as a man, to have that visceral attraction to you, that part can be just completely gone. You, Mike, and others, you're in a marriage, but she is in a co-parenting relationship to basically with a roommate. So why the hell does this happen? Well, guys, each of your little situations are completely different. Let's be honest. But from what I have seen, Over and over, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the majority of you, this is your scenario, is that your wife stopped seeing you as a man that she has love and attraction to in that way. And instead, she sees you as another person that she is responsible for. Her role very naturally shifted from wife to Mike to being the manager, the logistical manager of the household. And Mike, like most men, sat back and said, "Have at it, sweetheart." And it's not because Mike is a bad guy. He's not an asshole. He's not lazy. He's not some simp, Mr. Nice Guy or whatever. He is just doing what he thought he was supposed to do. And in being Mr. Passive and just letting her take the reins of basically everything and sitting back and not doing a whole hell of a lot in terms of life direction and helping to, you know, steer the relationship in the direction that he would like. He in turn becomes the kind of guy who doesn't warrant the kind of, I guess you could call it, sexual respect that he wants. She stopped touching him, stopped coming across the fence, so to speak, into the erotic and loving territory, not because she just spontaneously decided to one day, but instead because her body said, "I don't want that anymore." Physical attraction. You can't fake it. Sexual desire. You can't just flip a switch and suddenly it happens. I said this in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and by the way, you can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com, my most popular book by a long shot. In that, I gave the example to guys. I said, pretend that you're with a woman and she is 900 pounds and she has a full beard. And you know what? You get along great with her. She's a great friend. You have a lot in common. You could, you know, laugh and talk each other's ears off. It's just She's really great in that way. But as far as the sexual side of things are concerned, no, she could have a lot going for her. But there's something at a visceral, physical level in this case that makes your body say, don't go there. And what if that woman came to you and said, you should feel bad about that because we click at such an emotional and intellectual level. You should feel all those great sexual and romantic things towards me. Darn it, if you were a good man, that's what you would feel. No matter how much she tries to shame that into you, you just can't get there with her. That is precisely how a lot of our wives in our lives out there look at us. They recognize all these great things about you, but as far as going there with you, it ain't happening. What many guys will tell you when they sit the wife down and go, I miss having sex, I miss the touching and the kissing, it's really important to me. You know, you really hurt my feelings when you don't do that kind of stuff. Can we please start doing that again? Often what happens is the wife will either emote and cry and say, I'm sorry, I didn't realize This is so important to you. And then nothing. Or she gets really, really defensive. She gets angry. She pulls out the shaming language. She just treats you like shit. In both cases, what's happening is you're adding a level of awkward tension to the whole thing. She now knows that you are very much dependent on her to feel complete. And she's just like, I don't like that. I'm tired of everyone wanting me. The kids are wanting me. Everybody wants me. And here's Mr. Husband saying, I need you too. And she's like, "Enough already." And in a not so roundabout way, she realizes she has a lot of power over you and how you feel about yourself and how you feel about life in general. And that chips away at attraction. Guys, ask yourself this. For all of you that have had the repeat talks in this way with your wife, have they ever worked? Have they ever resulted in the kind of intimacy and connection that you want in a substantial, long-term, consistent way? And I don't mean in like 1 or 2 weeks of like hysterical bonding because she thinks you're going to leave her and suddenly she acts like a horn dog. No, I mean like real substantial connection. No, of course not. You can't talk your way into a genuine attractive connection there. You have to act your way into it. Action causes real change, not just yapping away. So Mike and others, if you've been watching my stuff, you know where this is going. You need to do some real substantial change to yourself for you, not for her. If you go to the gym and hope to become a Greek god just to impress your wife so you can get into her pants, you've not done the real work. Women seem to be remarkable at being able to sense when the work that you're doing is in a way trying to impress mommy instead of being an organic artifact of who you are as a man. If you're the kind of guy who goes to the gym because that's just who you are and that's what you do and you're concerned about your health and you want to feel and look good, Great. If you're a guy that says, "I'm going to the gym," and you keep coming back to her going, "Eh, eh, look at me now, huh? You want me now?" Even if you don't do that in a very blunt, over-the-top way, she can sense it via your actions and your attitude. Your goal is to become the kind of guy whose life is full with or without her in the picture. You don't do this in order to punish her. You don't do this in order to make her jealous or instill some kind of dread in her, as some guys say. No, that's a manipulative, psychopathic way of looking at this. No, you do this because you want to be a healthy human being. Having a healthy human relationship with your wife is an artifact, a byproduct of that. The kind of guy who has fully invested himself in his goals and his mission in life, has his own things regardless of what other people think about them, especially his wife. That's the kind of guy who attracts people to him in a positive way. That's the kind of guy who has an overall healthy life, including his community and yes, his romantic partners. This type of guy doesn't need something from his wife necessarily. And paradoxically, this leads to a spouse, his wife, who wants to give. So yes, as I alluded to, all of this, in my opinion, does in fact start with the physical. As shallow and stupid as that may sound, especially to you ladies watching this who roll your eyes, you know, here's another guy talking about going to the gym and getting all buff. Ladies, guys, it's important. No, this doesn't mean you need to look like a bodybuilder or Greek god or a male model. You need to take care of yourself, guys. Exerting yourself in the gym, outside of the gym, hit the floor, do some calisthenics, go for a run, do some hill sprints, do some jumping jacks, some pull-ups, push and pull heavy things. You know what you're doing? You're doing what your body was supposed to do. And when you don't do those kind of things, when you're very sedentary, when you sit still for long periods of time, things go haywire. The anxiety goes up. You don't feel right. All your, your blood markers tell you, dude, you're unhealthy. Everything is saying, do something else. And when you hit the gym and you become active, suddenly a lot of things start improving. This is why it's a very important step one in the whole process. Mike talks about how they do not ever fight. That's not necessarily a good thing. It's usually a guy or gal who is scared of conflict. And often a reason a guy is scared of conflict with his spouse is because she is his everything when it comes to friendships and any kind of social connection. And if he disrupts that, then he disrupts all of that. And he can't have that because he puts a lot of weight, his emotional weight, on her shoulders. That ain't good, dude. You need to go out and cultivate a social circle, a community of your own without your spouse. Go get your friendships back. Yes, that means doing uncomfortable things like, hey dude that I barely know, you want to go grab a beer? Want to go watch the game? Want to come hang out, play games? Whatever it may be. Get a hobby, an interest that gets you the hell out of the house and away from your wife. Get your life back, dude. And then the thing that a lot of men call your frame, you'll hear it called, but you need to stop being so damn needy. You need to stop chasing. You need to stop being such a codependent dude. And a part of codependency within a man or a woman is being very dependent upon the emotions of your partner. If she feels good, I feel good. If she's having a bad day, my day is ruined. Guys, That is not good. When you go in for the hug and she gives you the casual little pat pat on the back and then pulls away from you, don't make it more weird than what it already is. You want to react like a guy who has better things to do than to catalog all the little emotional reactions that his wife has to everything around her. You want to act like that guy because you should have more important things to do, more important things to worry about than all these little emotional reactions. And by the way, if you would like some day-to-day help with these kind of little situations that come up and you need some daily reminders, may I suggest check out the Dead Bedroom Fix app. Go to deadbedroomfixapp.com and check it out. It's my newest app and I love it. I am very proud of how that turned out. Now, the big question that I think a lot of you guys miss out on, and it's one that I don't want to avoid here, and that is, guys, you need to ask yourself, you guys like Mike and others that are in this position, what am I actually working toward here? Are you looking to actually, I guess you could call it reconciling, although we're not talking about, you know, cheating or anything like that, but reconciling in terms of you have a definite split, you guys are going in two different directions. Do you wanna pull yourselves back together and become a healthier, happier, more connected couple? Is that possible? Absolutely. If that's what you want, great. But there's another possibility here. You need to face it. And this isn't anti-marriage for some of you more codependent guys who get very upset at this kind of talk. Hear me out. The reality is you could do everything in the world and be on paper the absolute greatest dude in the world. And like, if I put an auditorium full of 100 women, you know, together, 99 of them would say, can I be his wife, please? You know, those kind of guys. You could do all that stuff and your wife may very well say, not interested. Well, guys, guess what? With or without her, you'll be fine. We're just talking about you right now. You as an individual. You and your sense of security, your health, emotional and physical and otherwise. You will be fine without her. But don't think that that means that doing all this work invariably leads to a disconnection and leads to guys drifting apart, and that's the whole purpose. You need to be fine. No, doing all that work actually puts you in a better headspace to do that reconnection. All that puts you in a much better headspace to evaluate and act in a certain way within your relationship because you're not panicking, you're not freaking the eff out, you're not a super needy little weirdo. And because all that stuff lessens the attraction that your wife has for you, so then you can sit back and look at the situation with clear eyes finally for once, and you can say, Is this really what I want? Is this marriage what I want? I often ask guys who go on and on about how horrible their marriage is, and I say, guys, what is it that you want? And they'll pause and they'll think about it for a bit, and then they will say in very succinct terms, I want ABC. And I'll say, okay, can you get ABC with your wife? Be honest here. And more often than not, they say, I see your point, because for years and years their wife has told them, no, man, That ain't me. And a lot of you don't get to that point of that realization, if that's in fact your situation. A lot of you don't get to that realization unless you do all that hard work, unless you build yourself into the secure human being that you and ironically your spouse needs. So get to the place of strength first and then decide where to go with this marriage. So, Mike, you said you needed somebody to say this out loud to. I hope that this helped you. What you're feeling, Mike, is real. It's not just you being a little needy you-know-what. This is real stuff that you're feeling, a real disconnection. These are alarm bells. Something's going on here. The fact that you recognize is huge because there's so many guys that just don't. They just go their whole life with just la la la, not listening. Everything's fine. Got to take care of the kids. And weeks, months, years go by and nothing. So you got step 1 out of the way, which is recognizing, acknowledging there's a problem. That's huge. But step 2 is even bigger, arguably, and that is do something with it. Don't sit back and hope that your wife does the right thing, that suddenly she has a grand epiphany about what a great husband you are and she just turns herself around and everything will be fine. I've seen guys wait for years for that and they just remain in this weird limbo state and they get more and more depressed. So again, if you're in the situation and you want to work through it and you want to expedite the process of getting better and possibly turning your marriage around, may I suggest the Brotherhood our private support community for men only. Learn more at help4men.com. Guys, thank you so very much for watching. I do appreciate it. If you could give me a like, subscribe, follow, however the hell it works, wherever you're watching this, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so very much, and we'll catch you on the next one.