In this solo episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer addresses a listener’s email from "Paul" who is struggling with a sexless marriage after his wife entered menopause three years ago. Paul describes how his wife cites articles claiming that loss of libido is normal after menopause, leaving him feeling guilty, frustrated, and unsure whether his desire for sex is unreasonable. Brewer first promotes the Help for Men Brotherhood community and his related resources (book The Dead Bedroom Fix and a companion app). He then provides a concise biology lesson on menopause, explaining the hormonal changes (decline in estrogen and testosterone) that can cause reduced libido and physical discomfort such as vaginal atrophy and dryness. He emphasizes that reduced libido is not the same as eliminated libido and outlines several treatment avenues: hormonal replacement therapy, lubricants, and lifestyle improvements (sleep, exercise, nutrition, hydration). Brewer critiques the wife’s reliance on articles as a conversation‑ender and urges couples to explore proactive medical and lifestyle solutions together. He discusses the emotional toll on men—guilt, shame, and societal messages that downplay male sexual needs—while affirming that a 50‑plus man’s desire for intimacy is normal and not immature. Practical communication steps are offered: acknowledge menopause, avoid arguing with articles, ask the wife what actions she’s taken, clearly express how the lack of intimacy affects him, and seek support from peer groups like the Brotherhood. The episode concludes with encouragement to join the Brotherhood, read his book, try the app, and reassurance that men can either work through the issue together or, if necessary, move on and still find fulfillment.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Your wife goes through menopause, and just like that, the sex life is Over. Done. Finito. And the wife comes to you, articles in hand, saying, "Look, the science shows this is perfectly normal." So what do you, still horny average dude, what do you do in this situation? Do you just accept it? Do you spend the next, I don't know, 20, 30 years of your relationship as a celibate dude? Do you shut up and keep your needs to yourself? Probably like your dad did. Or is there something you can actually do about this? Something that will stop you from feeling like a jerk every time you bring it up? And yes, something that will allow you, Mr. Normal Average Horny Dude, to get your needs met. That's what we're going to get into today. And let's start with an email from Paul. He says, "I've been watching your videos for a while and I keep almost writing in and then talking myself out of it, but here I am." My wife went through menopause about 3 years ago. That is when everything changed. Before that, our sex life wasn't perfect, but it was there. Since then, it's basically stopped completely. We've had sex maybe 4 or 5 times in 3 years. Every time I bring it up, she gets frustrated, and she says that after menopause, women just don't have the same drive, and this is completely normal. She's even shown me articles about it. But here's the thing. I don't know what to say to that. Because maybe she's right. She went through something real. Her body changed. I know menopause is hard. I'm not trying to be insensitive to that. But I also feel like I'm 54 years old and I'm supposed to just accept that my marriage is never going to have a physical component again and I should be okay with that because biology. Every time I bring it up, I feel like a jerk, like I'm some teenager who can't control himself. She makes me feel like wanting sex at my age after everything she's been through is somehow unreasonable, and part of me has started to believe it. Am I wrong for wanting this? Is this just what marriage looks like at our age? I genuinely don't know anymore. Paul. Well, Paul, no, you're not wrong for Wanting what you're wanting? Welcome to being a healthy male human being. And the fact that you are asking that question tells you everything you need to know about what you've been enduring for the last 3 years. You have been slowly but surely talked out of your own needs. It's not necessarily through some big momentous cruel and horrible event, but through little tiny things over 3 years of time. The articles, the little rejections, The eye rolling. She's framing her argument through the reality of something, and it is real, the old menopause, and she is using that as what we call a full stop. It is a conversation ender, isn't it? It is the way to make you feel unreasonable for having a very normal need. Before we get started with this, I want to make something perfectly clear. Menopause, it's real. You and I, dude, we can't fathom what's going on with the average woman going through menopause. For some women, it is absolute hell. But what I am gonna push back on is the idea that universally going through menopause means an end to sexual intimacy. And more importantly, I'm gonna push back on this whole notion that a man who doesn't accept that is somehow some kind of immature monster. Let's do a quick biology lesson. What's happening actually when a woman goes through menopause? With menopause, which is basically Mother Nature's way of saying, hey, Your baby-making days are over, please don't do that. Mother Nature is slowly but surely dialing down certain hormones in the body that contribute to fertility and yes, libido. And two of those hormones are estrogen and testosterone. Not only do most women report a reduction, not only do most women report a reduction in sexual feelings, but they also report literal physical feelings, which are not so good, such as having the act of intercourse is extremely painful to them. Due to vaginal atrophy and dryness and so forth. So the idea of getting it on, number one, I just really don't feel like it, and when we do do it, oof, it hurts like hell. You can see how that can contribute to a lessening of her sexual desire. But the reduction of sex drive is not the same thing as an elimination of sex drive. For most women, the reduction is there, but it's not total in nature. And most importantly, there are options for treating this, if you will. Hormonal replacement therapy. There's something I've talked about quite a bit, a little bit controversial right now. It's starting to become more and more into the mainstream. Got a lot of women, the Karens of the world, are going on hormonal replacement therapy and realizing, oh wow, this is a game changer. And then you have something as simple as lubrication. Well, there's like a whole world of lubes out there that you can use that can help with the physical pain of the act. And then there's the lifestyle factors that no one wants to talk about, such as you need to sleep better, you need to exercise, you need to eat right, you need to stay hydrated. All these things have a pretty huge impact on your overall sense of well-being and yes, your libido. Yes, there are in fact women in their 50s and 60s and beyond who have, believe it or not, a healthy sex life. How? Why? Because they proactively addressed the situation. When Paul's wife shows him article after article saying, "See, libido's supposed to go down. See?" She's just presenting one side of the story. And that is the version of the story that supports the conclusions that she has already made. And Paul, being a nice sweet guy that he is, says— he looks at the articles and he says, "Well, maybe she's got a point." But here's the thing that he's not addressing. Has she proactively in any way, shape, or form tried to resolve the situation? Did she talk to a doctor about hormonal replacement therapy? Did she hit the gym? Did she put away the junk food? Did she work on getting a good night's sleep? Did she put the alcohol away? Or did she just decide unilaterally, "Our sex life is over," and and she's trying to find stuff to justify that. What Paul and others like Paul are experiencing is extremely common. This, my friends, is a biological reality. We have men in their 50s and 60s and beyond who have healthy sex drives. And they are married to women who are going through or past the whole nasty menopause stage. So we see a real gap there, don't we? That gap is real. Showing up in conversations that men are having about their relationships. And yes, men talk about this kind of stuff. You can check out our men's group at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join and learn more about the Brotherhood, our private support community for men only. We would love to have you. But out there in the non-Brotherhood mainstream world, if you will, it is one of the least discussed topics there is when it comes to long-term relationships. Nobody likes to talk about that common disparity, that gap between horny older man and his quote unquote frigid wife. And yes, it's not fair. We got a man who's taking care of himself. He has a healthy drive and he still wants his wife in a very sexual way. He loves her to death. He lusts after her. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't cause this. He's not broken. He's just on a different biological timeline, if you will. Compared to his menopausal wife. Her body has really changed. And his, in comparison, not so much. And now they're standing on opposite sides of a gap that neither of them created. Biology, or Mother Nature as I often refer to it, it doesn't care. And it never has. Mother Nature doesn't care that you've been Mr. Faithful for the last 25 years. It doesn't care that you have done, quote, everything right and you've been a good boy. Mother Nature creates this disparity, this gap between the two of you, and then it sits back and says, let's see you two figure it out. Now I'm saying this not to be cruel or not to be overly negative about marriage and long-term monogamy in general. I'm just being realistic here, guys. You're not selfish. You're not weird. You're not a monster for experiencing this. Welcome to the club. The problem is not the gap per se. The problem is, is that one person sometimes unilaterally decides, well, the gap is there. This is our new reality. No sense in fighting it. And that's where Mr. Paul is, and that's what needs to change. Let's talk about the guilt. This is something a lot of men feel, the guilt and the shame. Paul says, like what most guys say, every time I bring it up, I start to feel like a weirdo. I feel like some kind of teenager who can't control his libido. I feel like a dick. That is not a feeling that Paul and others have reached on their own. It's not something they've conjured up in their head. That's a feeling that has been installed through repeated framing within the relationship and frankly, society in general. There's a lot of messaging out there that tells men Dude, get over yourself. The sex is not that important. Go take care of business yourself, if you know what I mean. Not very helpful, is it? And here's Paul, who's a loving guy, who loves his wife. He does not want to be a cruel guy. So he absorbs that messaging over and over again for a period of years, to the point where he's now on the computer typing up a message to some bald stranger on the internet. Once again, let me be direct. A 54-year-old man with sexual desire wanting to have a physical relationship with his wife is normal. It's not immature. It's not insensitive. It is one of the most basic components of being a human being. And the fact that your wife, Paul, has framed this as a character flaw says more about her than it does you. Now, here's the thing. She's probably not doing this consciously. She's not waking up in the morning going, "How can I be an asshole to my husband, Paul?" No, she genuinely feels what she's feeling. She went through hell. She ran the scenario in her head over and over again, and she's decided, "I think I'm done with all that." People do that all the time. They make decisions based on their own comfort. Yes, it is selfish, if you will, but they got to the point mentally where they think that this is reasonable. And when Mr. Paul doesn't see the reason and the logic behind it that she has in her mind, she gets irate. It's like, "2 2 is 4, dude. Why do you keep saying it's 5? This makes no sense." But her intentions, her beliefs, her rationale in the moment doesn't change Paul's reality. Paul, you need to stop accepting this premise as it is. So here's what I think Paul, you, and others like you should do in this kind of scenario, which is really, really common, as I've mentioned. Number 1: Wife brings you articles. Don't argue with the articles. Every time you try to engage with her and go, "Oh, yeah, well," you've already lost. You're accepting the framing of the situation as just a medical one. When that is too simplistic. Next time she brings up an article, you could just say, I'm not dismissing menopause. I understand that it's real. I get it. I also need you, wife, to understand that I'm not going to live the rest of my married life in sexlessness as a celibate monk. Just not happening. So what are we, wife, going to do about this together? Number 2, ask the real questions. What has she done to try and address this situation? You're not being accusatory. This isn't some rhetorical question. This is like, no, what have you done? Have you talked to your doctor about the options that are out there that exist? Because there are options. Have you done anything to explore with a medical professional whether this is an actual fixed situation that cannot be remedied, or have you actually looked into any of the assorted hundreds of different remedies and treatments out there for this? If not, this is not about biology. It's about a decision that you, wife, made that's just dressed up as biology. Number 3, name what this is doing to you and do so clearly. No BS. Paul, you need to say, "Wifey, I love you. That's why I married you. I am not trying to minimize what menopause means for you and what it has done to you or doing to you. I need you, wife, to understand that 3 years of no intimacy, that's really affected me in a big way." Sorry. It's affecting the way I see our marriage. And no, this isn't a threat. It's just honesty. I'm just putting it out there. Is what it is. Adult to adult. And number 4, Paul, stop carrying this load alone. You said that you almost wrote into me multiple times and talked your way out of it, and now you finally did. That's 3 years of sitting in silence and holding this all in and not sharing it with the world and your peers. That isolation makes everything worse. Gets to the point where you even question whether your needs are legitimate. And everyone outside of you right now listening to your story is saying, "Dude, you're normal." This is exactly why I keep pointing men to groups like ours, the brotherhood. Once again, help4men.com, or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Being around other men who are putting in the same work or guys who have been there and done that, holy crap, does that make a difference in your life? It expedites learning, it expedites healing, it expedites doing better in life. You should not be sitting alone with this for 3 years, dude. Nobody should. So in closing, Paul, you ain't a bad guy, dude. You're not immature, you're not insensitive. You are a man in his mid-50s who has watched a very core part of his marriage, hell, a core part of his existence on this planet Earth, just fizzle away. And on top of that, you've been made to feel guilty about it, and you didn't do anything. That is not okay. Menopause is real, very real. Once again, you and I can't fathom what they're going through. The biological gap between you, Mr. Horny 50-something, and not so horny at all 50-something wife, that's a real thing, man. We see it all the time. The situation is not fair, but fair isn't the point. The point is that one of you has decided, ain't gonna do nothing about this. That is a choice. And that is not good. Frankly, from where I'm sitting, that shows that one of you has given up on the marriage, point blank. So is your wife, Paul, willing to address this together? If so, wonderful. You've gotta be patient, dude. If not, Paul, how important is this to you? You've been suffering for 3 years. You've been trying to email me. You finally got up the nerve to put your feelings out there. Obviously, this is a big deal to you. It would be a big deal to anyone. You do deserve better than this. If you decide to leave this relationship, you'll be fine. I know there's a myriad of stories out there from 50-some-year-old men who say, "I can't find a woman. There's nobody out there. I'm going to be alone forever." For every one dude who says that, there are three who are saying, "Oh wow, this is a lot easier than I thought it would be." You, if you play your cards right, will be fine. More than fine. Trust me. And if this hits home for any of you guys, check out my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. You can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com. And I also have a new app out there, deadbedroomfixapp.com. We just launched it a couple weeks ago and it is already super popular. I am very, very excited about it. Check it out, deadbedroomfixapp.com. Guys, once again, thank you all so very much for watching. I do appreciate it. Give me a like, give me a subscribe if you could please, a follow, however it works wherever you're watching or listening to this. And we'll catch you on the next one.
