Accept REALITY and Not What SHOULD Be

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. After talking to hundreds of men and reading stories from thousands of others, all experiencing the pain and regret of divorce and infidelity, well, you start to see patterns. That's what started this whole website and podcast adventure of mine, after all. Patterns. Me, Hmm, there's something going on here. Like, for example, language patterns. Men saying things like, "We were supposed to be," and "She should have," and "This is not how it was supposed to go," or "She should care about," or "I don't deserve this." The man had plans. He did X and he was supposed to get Y in return, and that didn't happen. So this does not compute. He did everything he was supposed to do. This isn't fair. He doesn't deserve this. He just doesn't understand. He played by the fucking rules. All of my initial advice to these men can be summarized as, okay, well, you were wrong. So now what? I'm not sure where and when it happened, but somewhere along the line, a large portion of the male population got together in a secret meeting and decided to put together a book about just the right kind of male behavior. I'm picturing a giant leather-bound tome called "The Rules" with the subtitle of "Do these things and you'll have a very happy, sex-filled marriage for decades." I've never seen this book, but from what I can gather, the contents include gems like "Household chores: your road to insane sex," "Happy wife, happy life," "Never rock the boat or we will all die," and "Men are pigs and women are saints. Come to terms with your awful shameful sexuality." Here's an example of one of the readers of this fake book. This was posted on Reddit from a typical dude on the divorce forum. He says, "Hi, I'm 47 and my soon-to-be ex-wife is 42. We have been married a long time and we have an 18-year-old daughter. I found out about a month ago that she has been seeing another guy that she met online." As far as I can work out, he is a drunk and he is always borrowing money off of her. I don't understand where it all went wrong. Pretty much throughout the marriage, I have done all the cooking, 75% of the housework, as well as having a full-time job, as well as any gardening, etc. I know I'm not good-looking, but I've spent half my life looking after her. I feel half my life has been wasted. I gave up so much. And I have nothing in return. Then she does this. She didn't speak beforehand and say that she wasn't— that she was unhappy. I feel so damaged. I don't think I will ever find someone I can trust. What now? Thanks for reading. Do you see the not-so-subtle form of, hey, what the fuck? This wasn't in the book. He's saying that he played by the rules by doing the vast majority of the housework, paying the bills, and even did the gardening. He actually brings up those not so good looks of his, but he quickly brushes that aside for the more honorable trait of looking after his wife. He was the maid, the homemaker, the gardener, and the dad. Wow. How could this sudden lack of attraction come about? If that wasn't sad enough, the comments on his post are even sadder. Not one person responded with the recognition of him doing absolutely everything wrong in his codependent description. Instead, they all said a variation of, "It's not your fault." You see, 'cause after all, it's in the book, right? So it must be an anomaly, a data point outside the bell curve. So carry on, nice dude, your next princess awaits you. Of course, the book doesn't actually exist. It's not a leather-bound creation with actual pages and text, but it's a metaphor for the rules and regulations a large group of today's men have in their mind. Where do these rules come from? Come from Hollywood? Disney? Conditioning in school? The lack of strong paternal figures? Too many single moms? Well, whatever it is, the conditioning has one interesting aspect. It is so damn strong and so damn pervasive that we ignore the obvious that is right in front of our faces. We focus on what should be versus what actually is. We focus on what we deserve versus what we actually got in life. It's like saying, "This tiger is eating my face right now. Ouch! This can't be happening. All tigers are supposed to be awesome. This must be some kind of evil tiger-demon hybrid. Yes, that's it. As soon as this demon tiger is done here eating my face, I'll just go to the hospital, and then I'll see about finding another tiger." To further illustrate, here's a peek into the mindset of a typical codependent nice guy/provider at various milestones in his life. He may say something like, "Yes, that cute girl at school, she only likes jocks. But you know what? She's wrong. She is stupid and she should like nice guys just like me instead. I would worship her. Man, a girlfriend would sure be nice. When will I have sex?" 'You know what? All girls are sluts these days.' Or something like, 'Sure, the boss passed me over for a promotion, but you know what? He's an idiot. I'm the smartest one here. I hate this company. I should just quit. The whole company would crumble without me.' Or, 'Yeah, I caught my wife texting that guy at work, but it wasn't anything serious, and I'm being insecure and controlling. She would never hurt me and the kids.' Or, 'You know what? We haven't had sex in a while, and she seems to hate it, but that's expected. She's stressed out and tired all the time. I need to help out more around the house. I will do 75% of the work instead of the 50%. This is what marriage is all about. It sucks, but what can you do? Or finally, you know, sure, my wife left me for that loser douchebag, but she obviously has mental problems and I had nothing to do with this. These guys are given an inordinate amount of evidence and hints throughout their life that the present course of action is not correct. At the time, the evidence is just vapor and it's not worthy of their attention. It's not concrete. The evidence is drowned out by the all-too-consuming anxiety and preoccupation for doing what we feel is right and expected, all to appease a panel of judges that doesn't exist and it never has existed. It's not reality, it's just what you think should be, and damn it, we will go to our graves defending this fake book of rules. You need to stop living in the imaginary world of should. Understanding what is is the starting point for real, true self-improvement. All else is just delusion. Everything else does nothing but soothe your inner baby. There is no real endgame for the world of the nice guy. There's no mission. There's nothing to strive towards because it's not a game plan grounded in reality. It's like grabbing your Xbox controller and screaming at it and wondering why you can't get past level 1 of the game. Dude, look over and see what your buddy is doing. Just push the fucking buttons. Let's re-examine the milestones of a typical nice guy life and look at how applying the gift of seeing life as it is, in other words, reality, can help. So to say, "Yes, that cute girl at school, she only likes jocks." You know what? So maybe looking better and being more outgoing and confident is a good thing. Maybe I'm too shy and out of shape. Maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong crowd. My dad always used to say, "If you walk with cripples, you'll start to limp." Well, duh, it makes sense. I should see if I can get in at the gym and try to be buddies with those guys there. It can't hurt. Or the boss passed me over for a promotion. I wonder why he picked Joe instead. You know what? I'm gonna buy Joe lunch and I'm gonna figure out what his secret is. Next year, that promotion is mine. Or, I caught my wife texting that guy from work. I told her that was completely inappropriate and I demand to see her phone right now. She said no. I told her to leave our bedroom and she will hear from my lawyer tomorrow. She started crying and she gave me her phone and it was a message from the guy calling her cute and she said, thank you, you're pretty cute too. It's not bad, but she's not going to be working with that guy anymore. I also informed his wife. All hell broke loose, but that's not my fault. Or no, we haven't had sex in a while and she seems to hate it. So I need to figure out where it is that she lost attraction and maybe work on myself. I slipped a little in the hot husband department since we had a baby, so I don't blame her. But all I can do is go back to the guy that I was when we were dating and work harder on me. And see what happens. And then finally, yeah, my wife left me for the loser douchebag, so I guess my changes weren't enough, and that sucks. But we did have some great years together. The texting with the guy from work was a huge red flag, so it's not a huge surprise. I should have followed through with the lawyer when I had a chance. I feel bad for her making such horrible decisions, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I have to make the best of this for my kid and for myself. It's going to be tough, But I've been through tougher. If you live in the now and in the real, things start to make sense. You have more boundaries and a deeper sense of self-respect. You tell others what you think and feel in a given situation, regardless of the potential consequences. You have a strong sense of integrity, but it doesn't come at the expense of your masculinity. You have needs and you're not afraid to express them. You're not afraid to take a loss. You're better able to cope with the inevitable downfalls when they happen. You expected them and you're emotionally prepared. You didn't put all of your eggs into an imaginary basket of comfort and soothing. You played the part of the seasoned adult with an abundance of possibilities. You played the part of a man.