In this episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer addresses men in their 40s who are newly single after divorce, offering both a promotion for the Help for Men Brotherhood community and practical dating advice. He outlines why many men become single in their early‑mid‑40s—often after children leave home and wives file for divorce, sometimes coinciding with women’s perimenopause. He explains that many women in their 30s‑40s are biologically and socially driven to have children, which can shape their dating motives toward finding a provider rather than a romantic partner. Brewer discusses the dual mating strategy where men desire both erotic freedom and a provider role, and how mismatched expectations can cause friction. He shares a cautionary anecdote about a man who entered a relationship with a single mother, only to discover he was being used as a step‑father and financial support, highlighting red‑flag behaviors. The core advice is to “take your time” and observe a partner for at least three years before cohabitating or marrying, allowing the honeymoon phase to fade and true character to emerge. He also acknowledges personal boundaries, stating it’s acceptable to prefer partners without children, and that such preferences can reduce potential drama. Throughout, Brewer balances promotional messaging for the Brotherhood with warnings about “baby‑rabies”—the urgency some women feel to conceive—and urges listeners to be deliberate, aware of motives, and patient in building lasting relationships.
Chapters
Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. So I talk to a lot of guys who have gone through the horribleness of divorce. Most of the guys I talk to have been dumped. Perhaps they were cheated on. For whatever reason, most of the time it's their wife, ex-wife, who is the one to say adiós. And we know statistically that is the case around 70% of the time. It is the woman that says, I am filing for divorce. So a lot of these men are caught off guard, but let's be honest, after the fog clears in hindsight, they should have seen it coming. And a lot of these men are very lonely. A lot of these men had to endure extended periods of time of sexlessness, of disconnection, most emotionally and physically from their ex-spouse. So now they're out on the market again and they're hungry for attention. They're hungry for sexuality, that special connection with another human being. And so they put themselves out in the market. A lot of the time, a little too soon. And a lot of these dudes are in their 40s, early 40s, mid-40s. I don't think that's a coincidence. I think a lot of the split between a man and woman divorce-wise happens after kids are grown. So if they had kids in their early mid-20s, stands to reason early mid-40s, kids are out of the house, wife looks over her husband and says, what am I doing with you again? And it's splitsville. I also think it may coincide with perimenopause, which for many women happens in the early 40s. That's the process of the beginning of menopause. Can last up to 10 years before full-blown menopause hits. So a lot of potential factors at play, what got him into this position. But all we know is he's a guy in his early mid-40s and he's single again. And because he's early in his mid-40s, the pool of candidates for potential new mate may possibly include some gals as young as early 30s A lot of those gals may be divorced themselves, or they never found Mr. Right. And since they're early mid-30s and up, a lot of them are hungering for a baby. As I heard one woman say, "It has been our dream since we had to endure this horrible puberty as a teenager and endure the horribleness of, you know, having their monthly visitor and all the pains and awfulness that go with it." their body and brain has basically been preparing themselves for motherhood. And for a lot of them, for whatever reason, some by their own choice, some not by their own choice, it didn't happen for them. And so they're out in the market with number one mission in mind, and that is make baby. So a lot of their behavior in the dating world is basically all geared around trying to find Mr. Right and make some babies. Everything in her body and brain is screaming, "Do it now before time runs out." And although there seems to be kind of a narrative going on, a progressive narrative of women in their 40s, "Hey, it's okay to have children," ask any medical doctor and they will say, "You're kind of asking for problems." For a lot of women in their 40s, they discover they're just not as fertile as they used to be, and they have to go through some medical procedures like IVF in order to get pregnant. And then a lot of women in that age bracket hear from their doctors, you know, the chances of a lot of complications during pregnancy and Down syndrome with the infant and all kinds of other health issues rise dramatically when you get above the age of 35. So a lot of women are told this by their OB-GYN and they get a little scared and they get a little freaked out. They haven't made a baby yet. So I'm saying all this, guys, to say, Be careful. I'm not trying to paint all women as some conniving, manipulative creatures. I'm just saying, let's get real here. There's a lot of women out there that are going to want to make you their partner with the number one goal in mind is make baby. It may not necessarily be connect with, be a lifelong partner to. Number one goal is make baby. And what corresponds to that is not necessarily find ideal lover, but it's find ideal provider. We're getting into this age-old debate. And really, I say debate, and in my mind, it's not even a debate. It's a factual thing. We have data to back this up, by the way. It would seem that in the human animal, we have this, uh, dual mating strategy, if you will. We have one person that is for short-term fun and another person that is for commitment. What's funny is if you go up to a woman and say, you know, I see you not as wham bam thank you ma'am, um, one-night stand fun material. I see you as lifelong commitment, real partner, mother to my future children kind of person. Most women, I would argue, hearing that would say Well, thank you. That's very nice of you to say. I'm glad you don't see me as some kind of sex object. In turn, a woman goes to her man and says, I don't necessarily see you as wham bam thank you ma'am, one night stand, have fun kind of guy. I see you as the kind of guy to settle down with and father my children. A lot of men, as we've seen, I did a video on this. A lot of men say, whoa, that's no good. Timeout. I don't know about this relationship anymore. A lot of men want to feel that we are in fact the guy that brings about a level of eroticism and sexual freedom out of our partner, and we assume that Mr. Provider, settle down, father to my children kind of guy is not necessarily that kind of dude. And again, the science shows us that it looks like we're right. Ideally, we want to have both individuals wrapped into one human being. We want our lover, and we want our provider and partner in crime to go through life with. That's ideally, I would say, if we put it on paper, that's probably what both genders want. But not when we have this predominant thought of "must have babies" and "must find person to raise said babies with." A lot of women will tell you they will set aside the things such as, "Is he a great lover?" "Eh, he's all right, I guess." "Does he really get your juices flowing? Are you in love?" And a lot of women will say, "I don't know about in love. I love the guy. He's a great dude and all, but—" The other stuff, not so much. And I and others would argue that is not necessarily the greatest basis for a long-term relationship. Not if on your checklist is the item of remain sexy and romantic and connected in that way. You're starting at like, you know, on a scale of 1 to 10 in the sexy connected department, you're starting at like a level 3 and it just goes down from there. Ideally, you want to start like a 10. And then through time it gets down to like a 7 or 6 on the scale. It's still enough to keep both people happy. Now sticking with the guy who is like, you know, 40-some years of age out on the dating market, he's not going to necessarily always find women who are like, "I need to make babies. You're the perfect candidate. Let's go." In fact, that's probably the minority of people, women, that you will meet out in the dating market. Most are already going to have kids in tow. And as one guy that I recently chatted with one-on-one, and you could book time with me, by the way, at help4men.com, help4men.com, and go to coaching in the menu. He later came to terms with the fact that the woman that he fell in love with a couple years ago was really just with him to help raise her two little kids. There were a lot of red flags throughout the relationship, but he dutifully ignored them because he wanted to be a good man. He wanted to be a good stepfather to those children. He wanted to show them a good life. And then after time, after they became sexually disconnected a year and a half into the relationship, the last 6 months of the relationship, he said, "I think I'm being taken advantage of. She doesn't help out around the house. She doesn't contribute financially in any way. We're not connected sexually. Basically, we're just roommates and I pay all the bills and I take care of her 2 little kids. And this is not fair and it's not good." I think I made a big oopsie here. And he's right. He did. He was so caught up in the idea of wanting to settle down and start a family that he saw woman, young woman with two young kids as kind of a short circuit, shortcut way of getting to that goal. It's a ready-made family. He just slides in and plays father. And he learned Not necessarily always the greatest basis for the beginnings of a romantic relationship. As time moved on, the honeymoon phase faded. He saw the real her, which was a woman just looking for somebody to take care of her and take care of the kids. And she really didn't see any reason to reciprocate with her own actions. She just didn't have those kind of tools in her mental emotional toolbox. She was a broken person. So, a long-winded way of saying, guys, be careful. Take your time. I keep harping on this in a lot of videos. Take your time, take your time, take your time. In fact, the number I throw out is one that a lot of people, men and women both, say, "Dude, that's a little extreme." And that is, before you decide to cohabitate, marry, you know, take that next, next level of a relationship, be their partner for 3 years. 36 months, it goes by fast. But in those 36 months, you will see the real them. The honeymoon phase will subside a bit. You will see them go through some major life moments. You will see them contend with pain and loss. You will see them at their best. 3 years is a good round number to see the real person. And if this guy that I'd just spoken to had done that, he would've seen all of this roller coaster that this woman was going through, and then the fog would've lifted from his own eyes and he would've said, "Oh, I see what's going on here." and he would have saved himself a lot of time and a lot of trouble. So I don't want to see you guys end up in the same boat. This is not to demonize all single mothers out there. You know, I've been contacted by women that say, you know, I was cheated on by my partner. We have two little kiddos. He ran off with the 19-year-old secretary at work or whatever it is. Or, you know, something horrible like my spouse passed away. And then these women go on the dating market and they hear from men, single mother, sorry, ain't happening. And they're understandably hurt by that. They're good women just trying to go out and, you know, start the next chapter of their life. And by virtue of the fact that they had children with somebody else, a big chunk of the population, by their estimation, has just completely written them off. With that being said, guys, if that's your stance, and if you're like, I really don't want to be with a woman that already has kids, That's totally okay. Those are your, I guess you could say, boundaries or your preferences in the dating market, and that's all right. You can have a certain age group, height, weight, any kind of demographic, and nobody's going to shame you for it. It is what it is. And that demographic may include, I don't want a woman that already has kids with somebody else, understanding that you may be passing up some very good people But if that's your preference for whatever reason, then that's your preference. And in fact, it could be said, sorry ladies, that if a man takes that stance and says, "No single mothers, please," he is, you know, as far as the chances of drama and awfulness happening in the relationship, the chances probably do go down a bit. And women may say the same thing about a guy who has kids of his own already. She may look at that and go, "Oof, I don't know." You know, a woman may look at that and say there's probably drama with his, the biological mother to his children, and I don't want to deal with all drama and all that nonsense. Or that he doesn't have enough time for her because he's always running around doing kid activities or whatever it may be. Again, all these are perfectly understandable reasons to not get involved with a single parent. If that's your choice, that's your choice. No biggie. But if you do decide to go down that road, take your time. Okay? Make sure that they're not in it just so you can take care of their kiddos and pay their apartment rent and put food on the table. They're not just in it so that they can quickly procreate with you and, you know, set aside the courtship phase because they're in a hurry to get, you know, hurry to get impregnated by somebody, anybody. Just a good man is all they ask. Then again, not the good foundation for a long-term relationship.
