Ralph Brewer answers a listener named Thane about dating again after divorce. He shares a story about ending a connection when he noticed suspicious behavior, then advises staying alert for red flags without over-analyzing early dating. Trust your instincts and ask friends when something feels off.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. But Thane, very cool name, from Facebook says, any advice for starting a new relationship after a disaster. She has some green flags, I see. Well, Thane, this is where it gets a little difficult because, um, this is, you know, a comment on Facebook. We're not talking in real time here, but I have questions. Starting a new relationship after disaster— what exactly does disaster mean? How soon did you start a new relationship? She has some green flags. Well, those are great, but what about the not so great things? Because while you're in the infancy, the early stages of the relationship, you're like, woohoo, this is really good about her. She's pretty, she's nice, she likes me, she's got a good job, whatever, she's super intelligent. And then you see these little not-so-good things in the background going, what about me? And you're like, ah, don't worry about you. Those little things in the background saying, what about me, those red flags, those always come back later to bite you in the butt, don't they? So that's what you got to be concerned with. So all kinds of questions, Mr. Thane. Thane, going back to Thane, he says the disaster was 2 years ago. You worked on yourself like your other advice. I did not meet her on a dating app but through a friend group. Okay, so 2 years after the disaster, the tumultuous ex-relationship, you have met somebody else. So cool. So original question was any advice? Yeah, keep your eyes and ears open. You don't want to be one of those always looking for the bad thing type of guy. Just enjoy, I guess, enjoy your time with her, enjoy your company with her, enjoy the moments you have together. It may not last, or it may. But don't go into it with like, you know, I'm watching, being extra, what's the word I'm looking for? Like investigating and ironing out every, or trying to suss out every little thing that she does. And you know, if you think about it, you're like probably pragmatically like, well, shouldn't we look for all these bad things? Yes. But when you're in the early stages of a relationship, shouldn't you just be enjoying each other? And if you are in fact looking for every little thing like, tell me about that, tell me about this, tell me about— you're in essence kind of advertising to them, hey gal, I just met, you are potentially long-term relationship material. And so I'm putting you through the wringer to see if you're wife material. Which is putting the cart way before the horse. Just have fun, just enjoy it. But at the same time, when you— when something presents itself to you that gets your heart racing, that makes you say, oh no, did I just hear that right? Or, what am I looking at here? For example, um, I, unlike you, Mr. Thane, I didn't wait no 2 years after my, uh, end of my first marriage to start dating again. Now I say that to you, you're just talking about this relationship. Maybe there's been others between marriage. I'm going to say assume bad marriage and this one, or was this like, was there nothing? Is this your very first foray into a new relationship? Regardless, my story was, oh no, I was, I was a wreck. I was a weirdo basically and was all like, I'm going to put myself out in the dating market like right away. And hey, gals make me feel better. Basically, you know. And, um, I met all kinds of not so great people and, and some great people. And one of them was a gal that really hit it off via phone and texting. Let's arrange a date. And then I noticed, um, in pictures and everything else, um, it was a friend of a friend thing. And then I noticed, um, one phone call in particular she sounded kind of slurry when she talked. And I was like, is she drunk? And, you know, just whatever. And then I remember we were arranging for our first in-person date. She had kids, I had kids, trying to, you know, do that whole thing, who— when we have mutual time off. And then once again, the phone conversation, she sounded a little slurry again. I was like, oh man. And I didn't have the balls to ask her right then via voice. But later on that night, I remember I texted her and said, hey, by any chance— and she denied it initially. And then I can't remember what it was that led her to go, okay, you got me, yes. And it's like, is this a problem? She's like, yeah, probably. It's like, oh, that's not good. And I was like, damn it, because I was getting along so well with this gal. And it was really, you know, again, just trying to use these women to make myself feel better. And she was making me feel better until I saw this one thing. And kudos to me, pat myself on the back, I just said, this ain't gonna work, and I would appreciate if you didn't contact me again, knowing like I know me, and if you start contacting me again, it's gonna make me just go, oh well, and no. And, um, so I had to tell her like, this ain't gonna, this ain't gonna happen. And then I had to go to the friend, the friend, the mutual friend we have, and say, did you realize that? And he of course says, oh yeah. It's like, well, thanks dude, I appreciate it. You could have said something beforehand. He's like, oh yeah, she's got issues, man. She's a mess. And it's like, okay, great, thanks. But anywho, those are the kind of things that you just got to go, and it could be something they say, do, the way they act, whatever it may be. And you have to— it's so hard because like, if you were like me, like, for the first time in a long time, I feel wanted, I feel great, I feel thank you, Lord, for putting this person in my life. And I'm not even a religious person, but thank you, God. And then there's that one little thing that makes you go, man, and it's so hard to let them go, isn't it? Because you feel so good. But that's my advice. Look out for those things. Reach out for help from others, from dudes in your life. Check out the group, HFM Brotherhood, helpformen.com. That's the kind of thing you bring to the group. I'm like, guys, what do you think of this?
