Dear DSO: "Cheating Ex-Wife Left... But is Now Contacting Me Again!"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question at dadstartingover.com/dear-dso, and if it's a good one, I will answer it here for the whole world to see. And this one comes from Dunk, and Dunk says, advice for someone whose wife started a new relationship with a much younger guy 12 months ago who happens to be her boss. We struggled for 10 years with one thing or another but stayed together prior. Moved him into the family home 24 hours after I moved out in January. He says he hung around for Christmas and he was in denial. Started a new life providing stability for our 13-year-old. The new guy was a nightmare, a narcissist, a real head messer, one of those men you don't want to think exists. Anyway, she has split with him finally. And he has moved out after 9 months in our family home. She is now, as predicted, starting to try to change the dynamic like she is 12 months behind everyone else who has had to move on. During the past 12 months, she has said no to divorce and no to mediation, so I am treading water. How do I respond to the increased request to chat quote, I still love you, quote, I hope we can be best friends, etc., etc. She has OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and a history of mental challenges, so I'm always wary of protecting her a little bit and a niggle that she is going to do something stupid, etc. Although I am 99.9% sure that is not an issue, it still causes anxiety in me. Me. How do you respond to such things from your ex-partner who cheated on you, moved in a psychopath into the home, and, you know, caused all kinds of chaos? And she has OCD and a history of, quote, mental challenges, which shows me that probably all kinds of awful shit in her past, and you and the kiddo are paying the price for this, right? Welcome to the club. There's a lot of dudes in your shoes who reach out to me. If you watch these videos or listen on the podcast, you've heard this again and again and again. And it's basically broken woman meets broken dude. Sorry, dude, don't mean to be insulting, but the fact that you got with and hung on to somebody like this, known OCD, mental issues, etc., for so long and had a kid with them shows me that, yeah, you probably got some issues yourself to work on. So here she is trying to reconnect with you emotionally via the messages and so forth. And your question to me is, how do I respond to these messages? And the answer is, you don't. I know she's the mother to your child. I know you still have that niggling feeling, as you say, to quote, save her. That's something you need to work on. If you don't work on that and get better with that trait within yourself, your savior complex, if you will, your codependent mindset, it's going to color all your relationships moving forward. You're going to meet a woman just like your ex, trust me. So what you need to do is not respond to those messages. The only thing you respond to is messages in regards to the logistics of your 13-year-old. Who's gonna pick him up from practice? Is it my day or yours, you know, to pick him up after school? Whatever it may be, that's it. And then you have those messages and then follow up with that is a, "I miss you," or, "Can we have coffee? I'd love to chat," or whatever. You literally ignore those things. Let her go, dude. She's not your responsibility. She's obviously not, quote, long-term partner wife material. That's painfully obvious, in case you weren't aware. She's not even friend material. She's chaos. She's mentally not well. And you need to distance yourself from chaotic, mentally not well people. I'm sorry if that— if some people listening or watching this feel offended by that. Well, you're not supposed to give everyone a chance who has problems. Not in this way. He gave her a chance. He gave her years. He gave her a child. He gave her love and devotion, presumably. I'm assuming he's not an asshole. And, uh, and this is where it got him with this particular person. So 3 strikes and you're out. You don't get another chance. Sorry. And yes, if you want to minimize chances of going through this again, Yes, you're going to date and you're going to meet people, and sure enough, you're going to see some signs just like the ex. And that's where you, in all your wisdom from learning from the past so many years with the ex, this is where you say, "Oh, I see where this is going. It's been nice knowing you. Thanks, but no thanks." That's really, really tough for guys like you, Mr. Anxious, Mr. Hang On, codependent type, to do that. That's really tough. But you're gonna have to learn how to do that, dude. And it starts with the ex here. Ignore. You don't talk back. You don't say, "I'm sorry, please don't send me such messages." That's also interacting with. From what I've learned, that kind of opens the door to a conversation. "Well, why not?" And you're back and forth. The next thing you know, it's an hour conversation. You're like, "What the hell am I doing?" You literally just ignore. Then she's gonna reply, "Hello, are you there?" You ignore. Then she'll call you, "Are you still alive?" You ignore. If she pesters you and pesters you, you say, "I'm not interested in talking, thank you." Please leave me alone. Thank you. Keep it business. It's just kids only. So just ignore. That's it. Keep her out of your life and go work on your issues, dude, because you got them. We all do, right? Go get some help. All right, brother. Thanks for reaching out.